Don't know what to do after this breakup

[Tinydance]

Actually this might sound bad but sometimes when you were with someone for a long time, you need to "wean" yourself off from that relationship. What I mean is, in your mind you know you want to end the relationship but you have history and a past with that person. So it's hard to let go and you sort of still keep in touch with your ex and you start drifting from them slowly.

This happened with my ex fiance. We lived together and I kicked him out because he developed a bad drug addiction. We were together for two years though so obviously it's hard to just completely feel nothing for that person straight away. He moved out and I was still talking to him here and there and I even saw him a few times over the next year or so. I didn't hook up with him or do anything but it took me a while to really cut off all contact. Though to be honest I think COVID lockdowns and me being alone 24/7 for at least a year probably contributed to that due to me living alone.

The thing is your girlfriend decided she wanted to break up with you and she obviously has some kind of reason for it. Maybe she just wants to be single and get more experience with other guys, or maybe she did actually meet another guy. You were together for nearly three years so I think for her to just end it, surely it's because this is how she feels? 

You say she's trying to keep you in her life but what is actually stopping her from keeping you as her boyfriend? There is no need for her to end your relationship, especially as you say you never really had any problems. If she ended it it's obviously because she wants to. 

I know she's keeping in touch with you but it could be because she wants the door open in case it doesn't work out with another guy. Or maybe she's just doing a slow fade where she talks to you less and less. 

In any case I don't think you can really do a lot because she's made this decision and you can't actually control her decisions. Of course she knows you love her and you want her back.

[smackie9]

Just do the slow fade. Don't respond to everything, look busy.

[Chris21324]

4 hours ago, Tinydance said:

You were together for nearly three years so I think for her to just end it, surely it's because this is how she feels? 

It was not our relationship or me that caused the breakup, she told me this explicitly. It is something inside her but she can't really explain it to me. Something changed inside her. She had some tough moments the last couple moments in (problem with her family's dog which made her very sad, friends who backstabbed her for which she was both sad and furious, a university prof who gave bad grades and didn't want to give proper feedback, the competition in the medicine-study) and i tried to be there for her. But maybe it wasn't enough. 

I think (she did not say this to me) that she started doubting what she wants in life and that she needed to search for herself again. Revive the friendships and also make new friends (because she also knows that these "friends" weren't very sincere with her). Then she started doubting us and this she did tell me, she kept on doubting. The one day she was convinced that we were made for eachother but the other day she could doubt again because she did not miss me like before (which is also a bit normal i guess in a long relationship). I think she did not want to doubt anymore because this made her unhappy, i saw this (a little bit too late though). So she decided to put it to an end, make a decision and stop the doubt, to begin with a fresh start at the new academy year. She puts more effort in her friends again. She seems happy at this moment, so that eases the pain a bit for me. It feels like she made the right decision but i am a lil bit afraid that the blow will come at a later moment for her. But yeah idk, I just hope that she made the right decision and can be happy. I try to let the feelings go now but i am still there for her when she needs me. I know that many find me a doormat like that, but it is my nature to be there for people and to support and help them. (i study medicine for something xp)

[MissCanuck]

16 hours ago, Chris21324 said:

But for now i just want us to be there for eachother, we like eachother, we understand eachother, we know eachother struggles and strong points

Well, yes. This is how relationships are. However, you will eventually drift apart, which is how thing go when you break up. It is hard when you remember how close you once were. It's painful to imagine that you won't be there for each other like you used to be. But you will get used to it, day by day. She had been pulling away from you for a little while so she's already ahead of you there. But you will catch up. 

16 hours ago, Chris21324 said:

I also know that she is not open for dating anymore this year (she told me + she wants to focus on herself and the university)

Please, for your own good, do not hold her to that. Many dumpers say things like this and then go back on that when they happen to meet someone who interests them. It should always be assumed when someone dumps you that they can and will date again when opportunity arises, despite assertions that they will not date for whatever reaosn. You will be absolutely gutted if you expect her to stick to this and someday find out she's talking to another guy. It is best to assume she will, so it won't be such a terrible shock to your system when it happens - and it might be a lot sooner than you think or what she's telling you. 

14 hours ago, Chris21324 said:

I think she wants to back to the friends-part, maybe it is worth a shot in the near future?

No, it doesn't work like that. The goalposts changed when you had a relationship together. You won't be able to be friends for a long time, until you would be fairly indifferent to running into her and next boyfriend. Until then, the idea of being friends is naive and unrealistic. 

[Wiseman2]

On 10/22/2022 at 4:56 AM, Chris21324 said:

, my ex is 21. 

Why is she still in college? Does she live at home? On campus housing? With roommates? Does she work? Who pays for her college?

It's important for you to reflect why you refuse to let go. It could be insecurities or fear of other girls and dating.

Unfortunately you suffocated each other being too dependant for too long and starting way too young. She does need to break free from this...and so do you.

You need to accept this. You're hanging around the friendzone wishing and hoping she goes backwards into being trapped in a growth stunting relationship, but that's not good for either of you.

Perhaps therapy could help you with independence, self esteem and a more realistic and healthy view of dating and relationships.

It's clear from copy/pasting this several times that you are extremely anxious about it and that's something a therapist can help you with as well.

 

[Chris21324]

52 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's important for you to reflect why you refuse to let go.

It is because of the connection we had. We felt eachother on a great way and had the same goals and interests in life. It is because i feel that we would have a great future together. And yes maybe i am afraid that this was that one relationship that will never be topped again.

[Chris21324]

55 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's clear from copy/pasting this several times that you are extremely anxious about it and that's something a therapist can help you with as well.

This is more because i want to have as much opinions as possible. In my near environment there are people who say i should just let her completely go and others who say that it is good to stay friends and let her have her space and time. It is because of this 2 contrary visions that i want to see what complete strangers and people with much more experience think about it.

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, Chris21324 said:

And yes maybe i am afraid that this was that one relationship that will never be topped again.

This your fear and relative inexperience speaking. 

It is very rare that the first real, solid relationship we have is the best one we ever have. It feels that way when we have little to compare it to, but most of us grow and change so much in adulthod that come to have more mature and longer-lasting relationships after we get to know ourselves better. 

This will one day not be as scary as it it right now. I promise you. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Chris21324 said:

 there are people who say i should just let her completely go and others who say that it is good to stay friends and let her have her space and time. 

Actually this seems like an unhealthy possessive attachment no matter how many opinions you get. It's not a jury trial. Even your friends tell you to let go. Therapy is the only way to explore your anxiety and not surveys to deal with indecisiveness and denial.

[Tinydance]

I think you can give her space and see what happens in the future but actually treat the space as real space. That means no contact. No texting, calling, social media to each other, etc. 

Of course you care about her, you were together for nearly three years. It's normal that you still have feelings for her because it hasn't been that long since the break up. 

What I find suspicious though is you said her friends were awful to her and backstabbed her. Now she's gone back to her friends and spending time with them again like nothing happened. Yet she broke up with you but you did nothing wrong. I mean, she has time for these mean friends but all of a sudden she has no time to be in a relationship with you?

I'm sorry to be blunt but you said you'd like some opinions. 

[Batya33]

Even if what she is saying seems true to herself -tell yourself- as many times as it takes -to add "with you" to whatever she said.  She doesn't want a relationship WITH YOU.  Because even if she actually doesn't want a relationship with anyone today she is telling you she is choosing doubts over  you, fears over you, other stuff over being with you. 

Because the sort of doubts she has makes her question the entire foundation of the relationship -they are not fleeting doubts or doubts based on something she or you can change and resolve the doubts. I lived all parts of this and on all sides - core-shaking doubts/fears, resolvable doubts, fleeting jitters and doubts especially at times of greater commitment. 

But because I wanted to be with my future husband, because at my core I knew we were right together, because this knowledge was based on a combination of head and heart, I chose him over fleeting jitters and doubts.  And remember- he was my ex fiancee so in the past I could not resolve my doubts and panic

Many people have stuff-bad and good -going on in their lives and for some it means the end of their committed relationship -but it doesn't have to.  She is choosing to prioritize being on her own to deal with her stuff instead of having you by her side because she believes you two are not the right match for her to want to be in the relationship and deal with her stuff.

I'm not judging her- it's her choice -but stop telling yourself she doesn't wish to date, or look for anyone new.

She might not for a week,  a month or months - I doubt she is cheating or interested in anyone else at this moment -but chances are high -close to 100% -that within the next couple of months she'll be dating again.  You do NOT want to be in touch with her when that happens.  IMHO.

[Chris21324]

3 hours ago, Tinydance said:

What I find suspicious though is you said her friends were awful to her and backstabbed her. Now she's gone back to her friends and spending time with them again like nothing happened. Yet she broke up with you but you did nothing wrong.

Yeah i know, i questioned this too. The last time we talked physically i also asked her why she hangs out with them again. She told me no to worry and that she knows how they are and what they did, but that they now are treating her good and that she likes it. She told me that she is still careful with it and that she won't let "herself get driven over again by them". As long as she is happy now i suppose.

 

3 hours ago, Tinydance said:

I mean, she has time for these mean friends but all of a sudden she has no time to be in a relationship with you?

It is really something that i am asking myself too and i can't find a proper explanation, my friends don't understand it either but yeah its her choice ofcourse so can't do anything about it...

[Chris21324]

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Even if what she is saying seems true to herself -tell yourself- as many times as it takes -to add "with you" to whatever she said.  She doesn't want a relationship WITH YOU.  Because even if she actually doesn't want a relationship with anyone today she is telling you she is choosing doubts over  you, fears over you, other stuff over being with you. 

I understand this 100%, but its more like the why's. Why does she not want to go further with me. She says she does not know and that i am not the problem in all this, that it is just her who started to doubt, she does not know why, it was just a feeling at the last weeks of our seperated 12 weeks. She kept thinking about it and the feeling went back multiple times in the weeks after she saw me again. When together it was always great but she told me that it was when i was gone that she did not miss me as usual and this troubled her.

She can't explain it to me and that is something difficult to live with, but it is what is, i know that. Maybe one day she will know how to explain but chances are big that that day won't come.

[Chris21324]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

unhealthy possessive attachment

It is not that i demand her to be mine again. I am just trying to find out what went wrong, with me or in her thoughts. Unfortunately, she can't explain me. Is she just trying to figure it out for herself now ?

It would be nice for me to know if i did things wrong in the relationship, so that i can work on that. It is just not knowing how and what happened that plays with my mind. Overthinking...

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Chris21324 said:

She says she does not know and that i am not the problem in all this, that it is just her who started to doubt, she does not know why, it was just a feeling at the last weeks of our seperated 12 weeks. She kept thinking about it and the feeling went back multiple times in the weeks after she saw me again. When together it was always great but she told me that it was when i was gone that she did not miss me as usual and this troubled her.

She can't explain it to me and that is something difficult to live with, but it is what is, i know that. Maybe one day she will know how to explain but chances are big that that day won't come.

Why is the why relevant since it's nothing you have control over or can change?  She may never know why.  In one case I didn't know why -and I wish I had -but then I did know 5 months after our final breakup because a random comment about his personality by our mutual friend made me realize what had been missing or not quite right for me -but it had nothing to do with whether he was a good person - he was and is a great person in every way.  Just not right for me. 

I actually did share part of it with him after we broke up -we did stay in touch/friendly -and he actually agreed with me.  But that was unusual -both the realization and the opportunity to share in a productive way.

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, Chris21324 said:

I am just trying to find out what went wrong, with me or in her thoughts. Unfortunately, she can't explain me. Is she just trying to figure it out for herself now ?

Probably not, if I'm being honest. 

All she knows is that she has outgrown the relationship and doesn't feel the same way anymore. She likely had been pondering this for some time before she ended it, which is when she would have been trying to figure it out. But what she figured out is that she could not continue the relationship. It is unlikely she is still trying to wrap her mind around that.

 

[SooSad33]

On 10/22/2022 at 4:56 AM, Chris21324 said:

Another option is that she got tired of me and our relationship, but it feels like that isn't really tha case as she keeps trying to keep in touch with me. We did have some conversations (like 5 in those first 3 weeks), but for me it is always very emotional. I told her it was better to not send eachother for 2 weeks (we don't have classes now for 2 weeks), so i could have time to accept the situation and try to let it go. But the first week she tagged me 2x in something and sent one video of her, no texts though. I respond like usual.

I love her with all my heart and if it was for me i would want to grow old with her. She feels like the one for me, my soulmate.

Sadly, it does not sound like she is your 'soulmate'.  No 😕 .

It sounds like she is trying to find herself.  She's wanting to explore.  Many do this at this time in their life.

For me, it's all or nothing.  And as mentioned, it can be very hard to accept just a friendship with an ex.  As I told one of mine, I could not go back to just friends.  We were more than that and it's hard to go backwards.  I was just done, totally.

I suggest you stop any interactions with her in order to work on healing from all of this - for your own good.

Instead, you focus on yourself.  Get back to hanging with friends/family more.... get a hobby, or sport, etc.  But, give her nothing.

[Cherylyn]

Request NC (no contact).  Also, tell her that it's best to permanently part ways including social media because it will be mentally healthier for you to make the transition to recover, heal and move on which is the truth.  If she refuses to acquiesce or cooperate with you and if she relentlessly contacts you,  know that you already gave her fair waning.  Then ignore, ghost, block and delete her.  Out of sight,  out of mind.  Time will heal you. 

[Pablo234]

Damn, i really have got a similar situation. With me she did not say anything before hand nor did we decide to give each other some space and time. It was just bam at one day that she asked me if we could talk and then she told me she was doubting us and that she wanted to stop the relation. I told her i still love her with all i have but did not start begging her to not make this choice. It is her choice so i can't do anything about it. But it is a real hell. 

She also wants to stay friends, she likes me, appreciates me and told me i did nothing wrong to us. A lot of advice is to do no contact. I see that this is difficult for you, well for me it is the same! We didn't have any troubles with each other and yeah everything was just great between us, we didn't hurt each other with words or actions. We just lived a nice and cosy life together, maybe it became too cosy. So it would be weird to start ignoring her or to stop all contact. I can feel you in this, but can't really say what you must do, because i am still trying to figure it out for myself.

Keep strong man, u ain't alone!

[DarkCh0c0]

On 10/23/2022 at 7:53 PM, Chris21324 said:

I can't say i am totally ready to be just friends cuz i still want a future with her

Only thing i wanna know is how the f*ck i must handle this situation for myself and for her

She's not your possession and you don't get to choose her future. She's an adult who has made the decision for herself to break up with you and slowly move on. YOU, as an adult, need to make peace with this and move on to other options.

Being desperate and a jerk at the same time is sooo unattractive. No sane woman would want to be around someone like that.

[jul-els]

On 10/22/2022 at 6:13 AM, Chris21324 said:

But why does she keep making contact with me then, she starts it up. I don't search the contact even though i sometimes want it so hard. But yeah what is there to say for me, nothing. She just sends some cute vids or funny vids to me, i respond on it like i would respond to every other person.

She’s giving you crumbs. Don’t accept it. Know your worth. Move forward. 

[OdliDPrincess]

Agree with the comment above.
Instead of concentrating on yourself. Return to spending more time with friends and family.... take up a hobby or sport, etc. Table tennis helped me to over come difficulties in my life. If you are interested can check here.

[Andrina]

When two people have two different relationship goals, the outcome is disaster. You will continue being invested, and the hurt will be even greater when she eventually dates again and you're placed on the back burner or totally shoved off the stove. Believe me, she will become less interested in a friendship with you when this happens, and/or her new bf will give her an ultimatum of ending communication with an ex or he's walking. Who do you think will be totally out of her life when she already let you go, knowing it could spell forever? 

In loving her, you're missing what should be clear. Whatever she gets from being "friends" with you, whether it be an ego boost from having a fan, or that it lessens her guilt over going cold turkey with no communication--the fact is that she knows staying in contact hurts you and is unhealthy for you, and yet she doesn't care.

When there were no relationship issues, it's even more relevant as there was nothing to fix. Merely that this was a starter relationship for her, and she lost feelings when the unexplored became too intoxicating.

It's not being a jerk to go no communication. You explain that for your own good so you can move on, that for your own good, you need to not keep an ex present in your daily life. That will prevent you from bonding with a new lady in your life, after you've healed and moved on. With no contact, you will stop thinking of her daily after a good 4 to 6 months.

And when you do meet a new lady, she won't appreciate you being in touch with an ex you never wanted to be an ex. 

There is not only one person in the world you can share happiness with. You're too close to the situation to see this right now, but be assured, she was not your one chance in life for this.

Surround yourself with friends, family, and fun hobbies right now. If you don't have that support system, it's time to create that, because a romantic partner cannot be your everything in life. That's too much pressure on her and she will find you boring for not having a fulfilling life besides her. Take care.

[Chris21324]

Hi everyone

I wrote her letter. To tell her everything she meant to me, how much i loved her, why i loved her, what the things are that i know i have to work on,... but also at the end i wrote to let eachother go now if she does not want me back. 

We were chatting, she was asking how i was doing etc., what my plans are for the holidays... and it was a moment i felt this is a good time to finish my letter and go put in in her letter box. As we were chatting, i did let her know that i wrote something and put it in her box and that i'll always love her. As i was driving back home she called me up, asked me if I could come over. So i went back and was there for 3 hours. She was very happy to see me, she was very happy i wrote her a letter (she didn't read it yet). And then we talked, she had a mental breakdown, started crying. She told me everything became her too much. Life, friends, love and escpecially university. She feels a lot of study pressure and doesn't know what future she wants. She is in a knot with herself and told me she is searching what she wants and who she is. This is also the reason she made an end to us. She needed to go back what she knows best, herself. She wasn't able to love herself, let alone that she was still able to give me love. She needs to focus on herself right now.

I told her i understand this completely and that i can wait and support her. But she says she needs to this alone without being influenced by anything. She doesn't want me to wait because she does not know how long it will take her and she does not know how she will stand to our relation after it. She also told me she started thinking: Do i miss him enough? Do i love him enough? Do i give him enough love? during those 12 weeks apart. I told her that this is not necessary, because she was doing so great in our relation, but all the other things were less great. Kinda miserable actually.

So yeah we hugged and layed against eachother for 3 hours. I comforted her and also tried to make her laugh again. The vibe and connection between us was still sensible. She also told me she missed me and still loves me but ain't capable of giving love at the moment. It all just became too much for her and she is tangled in her own wires. 

As it was time to go, i let her read the last page where i say that we must let eachother go completely now for our own mental health. Like that she can fully focus on herself and i can focus on myself and start accepting the situation. She started crying but said she understood. 

So yeah no contact anymore now. Now she puts more stories on her private ig account, maybe it is to kinda keep me connected, idk. But it will go better i guess. 

It is all up to her now, to do what she needs to do and figure it all out. 

[MissCanuck]

I think that your heart is in the right place, but not much has changed. 

She is fond of you, cares for you, and doesn't want to hurt you - but she knows this is over. It is time for you to work on letting go, Chris.