Don't know what to do after this breakup

[Chris21324]

Hi. I am 22 years old, my ex is 21. After 2 years and 7 months being together she broke up with me 4 weeks ago. She said the feeling had changed and that she missed me less than usual. (she always missed me freaking much, so yeah it could have been a big thing to her that she missed me less). She said she does not want to lose me and wants to stay friends.

Our relationship was pretty great. We didn't have much problems or big quarrels. We both study the same courses and are in the same year at the university. Sometimes she could complain that i study way too much and dont make a lot of time for her. This was certainly so in the beginning of our relation, but it only got better and better and the last 1,5 year this wasn't really a thing anymore. We were daily together (except the weekends), maybe even too much. We also did everything together. She did not interact much with her friends anymore (also because of covid) and also got "backstabbed" for it (they planned a vacation for September without her (they planned it in May)). This hurt her a lot. She always loved me a lot and she always wanted to be with me.

Because of exams in May/June and a family trip in July and a covid-infection, we did see eachother for only 6 days in 12 weeks. I felt something changed in August but she told me it was because of the situation with her friends and also a difficult thesis for university. She told me not to worry. In September her friends were on vacation and she told me she didn't wanna go on a trip with me because she wanted to work for the thesis and she also said she wanted to be alone for this 2 weeks while also avoiding social media. She also told me she was fed up with her friends and that she wanted to make new friends at the start of the schoolyear, she also told me that i was the only person she could trust. The week before school she wanted to talk to me and she said for the first time she was doubting us. We decided to give eachother some space and time, but 5 days later she broke up with me.

I have the feeling she is searching for what she wants in life and that she needs all liberty to find it, so that she doesn't need to keep in mind someone else. Striving for more autonomy. I asked her if i can wait for her, but she told me that she does not want me to hope we will get together again and that i should put our relationship out of my head. Now she interacts again with her friends and she also is more social now then when we were together.

Another option is that she got tired of me and our relationship, but it feels like that isn't really tha case as she keeps trying to keep in touch with me. We did have some conversations (like 5 in those first 3 weeks), but for me it is always very emotional. I told her it was better to not send eachother for 2 weeks (we don't have classes now for 2 weeks), so i could have time to accept the situation and try to let it go. But the first week she tagged me 2x in something and sent one video of her, no texts though. I respond like usual.

I love her with all my heart and if it was for me i would want to grow old with her. She feels like the one for me, my soulmate.

I don't really know what i can do, if even I can do something...

Thanks for your help!

[Wiseman2]

16 minutes ago, Chris21324 said:

 But the first week she tagged me 2x in something and sent one video of her, no texts though. I respond like usual.

While you may have to see her in class, you do need to block and delete her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. Sadly the day will come when she posts pics of a new BF, so don't stay friends.

Once you step away she'll feel less suffocated and at least miss you a bit. Right now she's running and you're chasing and that's not good for you.

Take advantage of your newfound freedom. Date, have fun, broaden your horizons.

[Kwothe28]

I am sorry, but, she missed single life and there is even maybe some other guy involved. She was very calculated to cut you off months before break up so this was pre-planned for months. She wanted to leave, made an opening and left you in the dust. Sorry it happened.

You need to pick up the pieces and move on, no matter how hard it is. First thing is to block her and dont get random updates and tags from her. You dont need that and deserve better. Put the space between you. She was very clear that she doesnt want you  in her life so you should put that wall there and make it inpenetratable. In time, you will be able to accept its over and move on. Because as you see, she already did that months ago.

[Chris21324]

Okay, plz read the post good cuz you say things that are not even in it.

It is very clear she still wants me in her life. She tries everything to keep the connection between us so that she doesn't lose me. At this moment she wants to be friends, while i want our relation back.

Nothing was planned. She started doubting in August and then decided mid September that she did not want to doubt anymore and end it. There is no bad blood between us, everything was just perfect between us but she now chose for herself. She felt that our relation made her to comfy and that she had no need to have social interactions with friends and others. She now pushes herself to do this back again. I don't see any reason to start blocking her now.

 

Only thing i wanna know is how the f*ck i must handle this situation for myself and for her

[Batya33]

Just now, Chris21324 said:

have the feeling she is searching for what she wants in life and that she needs all liberty to find it, so that she doesn't need to keep in mind someone else. Striving for more autonomy. I asked her if i can wait for her, but she told me that she does not want me to hope we will get together again and that i should put our relationship out of my head. Now she interacts again with her friends and she also is more social now then when we were together.

I would give her twice the space she seems to need.  Please don't be a doormat or play at analyzing why.  As upsetting as it is simply accept that she's not that into you for whatever reason and the rest are just excuses.  You're smart of course but be emotionally smart and avoid indulging in big words like liberty and autonomy - this is really really basic.  Sometimes feelings change and it's so upsetting I know.  

Do not stay in touch -you don't need to see -because you cannot un-see or unring the bell - pics of her with other men, etc.  

I married my ex fiancee.  We were not right together in our late 20s/early 30s.  We were in our late 30s for a number of reasons.  We're now in our mid 50s.  We didn't wait for each other.  Had we I am positive we wouldn't be together now.  I actually wanted him back after I ended things based on my doubts and panic - I missed him after a month.  He said NO. He said we'd probably end up with my having doubts again after a romantic reconciliation.  So we parted ways. 

We emailed a couple of times a year- mostly impersonal.  We met once in person about 1 year before we got back together.  After that we were in touch a bit more some months later because my relative who he had known passed away and he expressed his sympathy and we emailed some about her and about our memories of her.  So nice of him. Then about 8 months after that he was in town and asked to meet me just for a friendly catch up dinner.  And sparks flew -such a huge surprise!!  Please know this was almost 8 years -8!! -after we broke up.  And it's unusual. 

Had we reconciled right away or had he hung on to me I bet we would have had really bad history between us so that getting back together would not have worked.  At all.  As it was of course after a cancelled wedding it's hard to start again but the almost 8 years and our growth and the newly found love, chemistry and huge support from our families and friends helped a lot. 

Please don't be a doormat for your ex or pretend that you can analyze "why" and that she needs her "freedom" and won't date anyone.  Assume she will resume dating soon.  Assume you want to know nothing about it.  Good luck. 

[Wiseman2]

18 minutes ago, Chris21324 said:

Only thing i wanna know is how the f*ck i must handle this situation for myself and for her

You can't handle it "for her", only for yourself. If you don't want to be in the friendzone, you'll have to step away. She has every right to decide for herself whether she wants to break up or not, just as you have every right to move forward and not stay friends, being a fan rather than a BF.

 btw, you don't have to start a bunch of threads on the same topic.

[Chris21324]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

btw, you don't have to start a bunch of threads on the same topic.

Yeah i wanted to put it in the topics that are meant for this. Don't really know how it works here, u see everything? or u only see the topics u follow?

Sorry if this is not how it works!

[Seraphim]

31 minutes ago, Chris21324 said:

Yeah i wanted to put it in the topics that are meant for this. Don't really know how it works here, u see everything? or u only see the topics u follow?

Sorry if this is not how it works!

We all see it no matter what topic it is in. It is all loaded to the main page. So you are really blanketing the same members over and over . 

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, Chris21324 said:

It is very clear she still wants me in her life. She tries everything to keep the connection between us so that she doesn't lose me. At this moment she wants to be friends, while i want our relation back.

 

No she doesnt. Or else she wouldnt broke up with you. You are in a "bargaining" stage of grief. So its normal that you are trying to put it the way you did it. And how she doesnt want to lose you and wants to be friends and all. And how she wants you to be there and if you were there for her this wouldnt happen. As Ive said, its normal to think like that. While in reality, sorry, she left you and doesnt want you there. Its a hard truth that you will maybe own when you come to acceptance of that. Because again, if she wants you there, she wouldnt be shoping around for other people while she goes around with her friends and has a college single life at full. Because, that is exactly what she is doing there. 

For you, its the best to do the same. Again, it seems hard now. But after you block her and some time passes, it wont be that hard, trust me. Because you will accept that she is gone and not bargain how she wants you around.

[Chris21324]

12 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

And how she doesnt want to lose you and wants to be friends and all. And how she wants you to be there and if you were there for her this wouldnt happen.

But why does she keep making contact with me then, she starts it up. I don't search the contact even though i sometimes want it so hard. But yeah what is there to say for me, nothing. She just sends some cute vids or funny vids to me, i respond on it like i would respond to every other person.

[Chris21324]

33 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

We all see it no matter what topic it is in. It is all loaded to the main page. So you are really blanketing the same members over and over .

okay thanks, did not know that. Sorry for the misunderstanding!

[Seraphim]

1 minute ago, Chris21324 said:

But why does she keep making contact with me then, she starts it up. I don't search the contact even though i sometimes want it so hard. But yeah what is there to say for me, nothing. She just sends some cute vids or funny vids to me, i respond on it like i would respond to every other person.

I would block her. She is using you to get over you whether she knows that or not . You can’t “ be friends” with an ex while there are still romantic feelings. Just block her. It is hard but you will heal faster without her constantly popping up giving you false hope . 

[Kwothe28]

7 minutes ago, Chris21324 said:

But why does she keep making contact with me then, she starts it up. I don't search the contact even though i sometimes want it so hard. But yeah what is there to say for me, nothing. She just sends some cute vids or funny vids to me, i respond on it like i would respond to every other person.

It really doesnt matter. She doesnt want a relationship with you. So its disadvantageous for you to keep receiving her messages and tags. You need to move on, not to be constantly reminded on her presence. If she cant understand that(and apparently she doesnt) blocking is an answer to that. 

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

It really doesnt matter. She doesnt want a relationship with you. So its disadvantageous for you to keep receiving her messages and tags. You need to move on, not to be constantly reminded on her presence. If she cant understand that(and apparently she doesnt) blocking is an answer to that. 

Yes this -and why? Because she can. It takes no effort and it's fun for her maybe.  Anything less than her calling you or seeing you in person and saying "I made a mistake. I want to get back together if you will have me and I want us to be serious and committed.  I want only you" - is irrelevant contact.  And even then I'd hear her out and decide if you're still interested, available and if anything has changed so that you believe this time it will work.  

[catfeeder]

I wouldn’t stick around to keep HER comfortable in leaving you. She can’t miss you if you won’t go away. Stop responding.

[MissCanuck]

5 hours ago, Chris21324 said:

why does she keep making contact with me then

I did this with an ex, when I was young and immature and up my own backside. 

I broke up with him but was so used to his constant companionship that I didn't really know how to stand on my own two feet without having him in my life. I wasn't into him romantically anymore, but he was such a familiar part of my life that it felt strange to not keep in touch. 

Of course, that didn't last. I eventually realized that I was sending him too many mixed signals and giving him false hope. I distanced myself since I had no intention of reconciling with him. So, please don't assume that her being in touch means something more right now. She sounds like me, many years ago. You two will more than likely eventually drift apart, esepcially when she meets someone new. That day will come sooner or later.

You two got together young. These relationships often fizzle when you move into adulthood and spread your wings. It hurts but it's a normal part of growing up and moving forward. 

[Chris21324]

20 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

broke up with him but was so used to his constant companionship that I didn't really know how to stand on my own two feet without having him in my life. I wasn't into him romantically anymore, but he was such a familiar part of my life that it felt strange to not keep in touch. 

Yeah, i thought this too...

 

20 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

You two will more than likely eventually drift apart, esepcially when she meets someone new. That day will come sooner or later.

I fear for this too. I don't think i can handle something like that. But for now i just want us to be there for eachother, we like eachother, we understand eachother, we know eachother struggles and strong points so for now i think i can handle communicating with eachother. I also know that she is not open for dating anymore this year (she told me + she wants to focus on herself and the university). But in 2023 this will change and then i will have to see what i can handle...

[Chris21324]

I know that everyone says to block her and not keep contact but we are eachothers resting point and we have a lot of support from each other in the studies. In January we have the last time exams and from February we have internships for 1,5 year. It will be easier to let her go then i guess...

[smackie9]

On 10/22/2022 at 6:13 AM, Chris21324 said:

But why does she keep making contact with me then, she starts it up. I don't search the contact even though i sometimes want it so hard. But yeah what is there to say for me, nothing. She just sends some cute vids or funny vids to me, i respond on it like i would respond to every other person.

Because she adjusting. This is what people do. She knows what she feels she needs to do, but is slowly trying to quit you. It's tough to let go so the alternative is to stay friends while her heart heals. This is confusing to you yes. Is it fair? no it's not. That's why you need to make the next step and cut contact so you can heal. If she can't give you a relationship, then she gets nothing. And that will give her the reality that you are gone and she needs to put her big girl panties on and deal with it on her own.

[smackie9]

11 minutes ago, Chris21324 said:

I know that everyone says to block her and not keep contact but we are eachothers resting point and we have a lot of support from each other in the studies. In January we have the last time exams and from February we have internships for 1,5 year. It will be easier to let her go then i guess...

Is there not other people doing the same thing? Find a study group instead.

[Chris21324]

43 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

If she can't give you a relationship, then she gets nothing

Doing this would make me think i am a jerk. I know everybody says to cut the ties, but we broke on good terms and to then cut her completely out of my life and block her on everything is something that feels so jerky. 

[Seraphim]

3 minutes ago, Chris21324 said:

Doing this would make me think i am a jerk. I know everybody says to cut the ties, but we broke on good terms and to then cut her completely out of my life and block her on everything is something that feels so jerky. 

And her using you to get over you isn’t jerky ?

[Batya33]

8 minutes ago, Chris21324 said:

Doing this would make me think i am a jerk. I know everybody says to cut the ties, but we broke on good terms and to then cut her completely out of my life and block her on everything is something that feels so jerky. 

It might but you have to know your worth -you are worth more than someone throwing crumbs at you and you'll realize that your standards matter and require appropriate boundaries after a break up.

[Chris21324]

37 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

And her using you to get over you isn’t jerky ?

idk, i have the feeling she already is over me and that she now just wants to be friendly, to keep me as a friend. I can't say i am totally ready to be just friends cuz i still want a future with her. We started as friends, then later became a couple. I think she wants to back to the friends-part, maybe it is worth a shot in the near future? Idk how i will feel then and how i will feel when she will start dating again. Probably bad though

[Seraphim]

1 hour ago, Chris21324 said:

idk, i have the feeling she already is over me and that she now just wants to be friendly, to keep me as a friend. I can't say i am totally ready to be just friends cuz i still want a future with her. We started as friends, then later became a couple. I think she wants to back to the friends-part, maybe it is worth a shot in the near future? Idk how i will feel then and how i will feel when she will start dating again. Probably bad though

You CANT be friends while you want a relationship with her. It doesn’t work like that. If she needs friends she needs to look elsewhere.