Feel like a teenager! - what to do?

[Alwaysobsessing]

I've been married for 14 years and not had the easiest time of it in the past few years - my husband is an alcoholic, long-term unemployed and generally a bit of a nightmare if the truth be told. I finally realised this year that things weren't going to change and enough was enough, and filed for divorce in May. Not an easy decision but the right one. We are definitely separated and I couldn't have been clearer about the fact that it's over, but are still living together due to the fact that he has nowhere to go and as yet we haven't been able to have any sort of sensible discussion about money. It's not a great situation but I am taking it day by day and the divorce should hopefully be finalised in a couple of months. 

I recently met someone... he's also mid divorce at a similar stage to me (though not still living together). We met at a friend's party three or four weeks ago and my friend knows him well (is actually related to him!), can vouch that he is a really nice guy etc. We hit it off at the party - kissed, swapped numbers, but realised that unfortunately we live a long way apart... I'm talking about 200 miles. Both have kids and my situation in particular makes getting out of the house tricky as it's not like I can even leave my daughter with my soon-to-be-ex-husband due to his alcohol issues. However, I happened to be sent for work for the night to the city where this new guy lives last week - I sorted out childcare arrangements with the mum of one of my daughter's friends and we arranged to meet up. In the couple of weeks leading up to the date he was very attentive and proactive, more so than me to be honest - suggesting we talk on the phone (which we did a couple of times, for over an hour each time, conversation all very nice and easy). A bit flirty in his text messages but not really full-on or overly sexual. I got the impression he was genuinely interested in getting to know me as a person as well as any other motive. Anyway, we met up, all was great and we ended up having sex. First time for both of us with someone new and I was shocked at how well it went - I had expected it to be a bit awkward or weird but it really wasn't. I felt slightly bowled over by the whole thing as, stupidly, I have always believed that I go for difficult, problematic guys because "nice guys" don't do it for me in the bedroom. Turns out there are exceptions to this rule! 

So anyway, the night all went very well - I am pretty sure he had a good time too, as sure as you can be in these circumstances - and the next day I came back home. That was six days ago. We have texted each every other day since... he definitely hasn't ghosted me or anything like that, but somehow things feel a bit different. Maybe the tone of his messages has shifted a bit - before it felt quite romantic, now it's more friendly, chatty etc...a few veiled references to our night together but quite subtle. So we're chatting back and forth, sending a few messages a day, but neither of us has suggested talking on the phone again or the possibility of meeting up in person. I feel like I'm waiting for him to do it, but maybe he's doing the same?! I'm conscious that early on, I was the one who said quite firmly that I wasn't really in a place to jump into something new. Now I've changed my mind, even though really it's far too early for both of us and the location issue makes things quite impractical. I haven't told him this - I feel like I'm making it clear by being more proactive in texting him etc, but am not sure if this is coming across or not. Am I best off just cutting my losses and letting it fade away? I don't really want to, but nor do I want to get hurt. I just can't quite figure out what he's thinking and am not sure how best to handle it. If he just saw it as a one night stand, then fair enough, but then I wouldn't have thought he'd have made the effort to still be in touch - unless he's just being a gentleman about it?! Ultimately I feel like I'm sitting here obsessing like a teenager over him with no real idea of what is going on in his head, and I don't like it!! If anyone has read this essay, keen to hear your thoughts...

[boltnrun]

I would revisit the idea of dating him once your respective divorces are final and you've sorted out your living arrangements. 

Maybe he's realized the futility of trying to start a relationship while you both are still married and you still live with your husband.

Of course your husband can't live with you forever once you're divorced. And it would be exceedingly awkward to have gentlemen company over while he's living there.

So I would just keep occasional contact and see where you both are once the divorces are finalized.

[Jaunty]

Your situation is difficult.  You need to at least not be living with your husband, if not divorced, before you will actually be "dating material" for any man.  I mean - what is the guy supposed to do?  He can't ask you out because of your child,  he can't come over and spend time,  and you have no prospect of changing any of this anytime soon.  Your divorce will be final in a couple of months but hubby can't move out because he has no place to go, he is drunk, and you have not been able to talk about money.  You have a long road ahead.  And, the new guy is 200 miles away.

On top of this, the fact that you've already had sex puts some pressure on the potential relationship.  You pretty much bypassed  the dating and "getting to know" parts.   It's either going to be you're in a committed relationship or a casual booty call type of thing, now that that step has been taken.  

 

[moodindigo91]

I think it is pretty common to "obsess" over the first person you are intimately or romantically involved with after a getting out of a long-term relationship. It's the first time you are experiencing something new for a very long time. They even have a word for these relationships - the rebound. 

I honestly wouldn't put too much stock in your feelings for him at this point. If in a few weeks or months you are still feeling drawn to this man, then I would consider trying to move the relationship forward. Although since you guys live so far apart, I'm not sure if it would really be the best move for you anyway. 

You are just getting out of a long marriage. You're not even fully out of it yet! I think you should stick to your original plan of not jumping into anything serious right away. Take some time to rediscover yourself. Spend more time with your daughter. Find new hobbies. Who knows what kind of men you'll meet who live close by. Good sex is great, but it isn't really a foundation for a healthy long-term relationship. I'd chalk him up to a rebound at least until you've finalized your divorce and everything that entails before considering the idea of changing around your entire life for another man. 

[Alwaysobsessing]

Thanks - yes, the situation is difficult and really far from ideal in many ways so I can completely understand if he's decided that it's not a good idea to pursue it. I think you're right moodindigo91 that I've got a bit over-excited about him because it feels novel to be spending time with someone who actually seems nice and fun to be around. I really didn't intend to jump into anything with anyone so soon, but now that I've met him it's difficult not to wish that things were different. Maybe I do need to pull back and just see how things settle. I also agree with you Jaunty that the sex thing has kind of put pressure on it now... I wonder if that's what he's feeling about it. To be honest it is very unusual for me to jump into bed with someone so quickly - even when I was much younger and single I never really did that. So again maybe that's making me feel a bit tense about the situation. 

[smackie9]

Why not just do this in a casual manner...meet up when you can and just enjoy your time together but don't get invested. I get it, the menu looks pretty good when you have been starving. You don't need to be jumping into something serious just yet. Slow your roll.

[SooSad33]

On 10/18/2022 at 4:21 PM, Alwaysobsessing said:

I'm conscious that early on, I was the one who said quite firmly that I wasn't really in a place to jump into something new. Now I've changed my mind, even though really it's far too early for both of us and the location issue makes things quite impractical. I haven't told him this - I feel like I'm making it clear by being more proactive in texting him etc, but am not sure if this is coming across or not. Am I best off just cutting my losses and letting it fade away?

Is always the excitement, then reality sets in.

Yes, I do feel you two are not 'in the right mind' to have this succeed.

With the distance and you really not knowing the 'real' him at this time, is maybe best for you to back off and just continue on your own trail.  Continue to work on all of this going on in your own life and work through your emotions as you work through your divorce & your child.

May be an idea to let all settle and get your own life settled for a little while - to where you do know, for sure that you are ready to date again, and 'able' to give whole heartedly.

I found it can take anywhere from a year or more, after all is done.

[Andrina]

The thing of it is, that no matter where you travel, if you're at a bar or a party, etc., it's not rare to meet someone you share chemistry with. I know it's happened to me at least a half dozen times as a teen and an adult after my first marriage tanked. I always just saw those  experiences as fun, flirtatious, temporary moments but never thought they would transform to anything long term.

Two hundred miles is major when you think about if it actually worked out, one of you would have to uproot and move away from family, friends, careers, and most noteworthy, the child's other parent in each situation. Child custody arrangements get exhausting and is stressful for the children when they are shuffled far distances, along with being expensive.

After experiencing a divorce myself (happily married the second time around), I would suggest giving yourself a good long year to stay solo and process the divorce, even as it was your choice and a good one. You should also be concentrating on adjusting your child to the new family dynamic. 

I made so many mistakes when dating after my divorce and wish I'd done that very thing, even as my daughters were older (one entering her senior year in high school and one in college). 

And then when you are ready to date, I'd date locally. That's one thing I did do right. There are far too many cons to long distance. Far more than I did not mention. 

So do you and your husband own a house together, or rent? Or is it you that solely owns the house? Just figured we could also give some advice what to do according to your living situation. Good luck.

[tattoobunnie]

My buddy went on a bang fest when she got separated...her now ex hubs didn't touch her for 3 years.  I'd just have fun...focus on fun and meet up when you can and feel like it.  Other than that, don't sweat over it. He's just not a deadbeat, so he looks hot.