Love of my life or the worst decision in my life | What would you do if you were me

[Paddy345]

 

I think i have found the love of my life, and have reached a cross roads, I'll just give you some context about me and my life that can help you, help me navigate through my current struggle.

Introduction: My rollercoaster life, as i like to call it. from prison sentences (2016-2018), working in million dollar start ups (2022), to having 18 months of physical injury that caused me to not walk and amplified my fear of of being alone to the point i nearly got sectioned as i was constantly trying to end my own life (2020 - Summer 2022)

My relationship History : I started properly dating at 24, had an escort addiction, and lacked confidence, due to years of being rejected by women in my teens. i lacked so much confidence and had a high degree of a fear of rejection, that my friends would have to point out to me that a women found me attractive and wanted to date or have sex with me. I've always sadly been a people please.

From 24 I've been with 3 women romantically, including my current gf. The first was a superficial girl, broken who loved bad boys, i was fresh out of prison, and re-starting my university education, due to feeling lonely i stayed with her, got caught cheating. Had sex with her whilst she moved into other relationships, almost had a child with her. And decided to move university, as she was my class mate...Pregnant in our third year with another mans child.

Although I cheated on her, i couldn't bare what other people would think seeing her with another man and child during graduation when she was seen as my girlfriend, and on top of that seeing her everyday was messing with my head, so i transferred into a new university.

I found another girl at this new university, due to COVID, all classes were on zoom, and me and this international student got too talking. It became romantic, she had planned to live and come to the UK, but last minute either her not getting a job, financial issues or not finding a place to live stopped her.

Mind you this was during the time where i was severely suicidal and seeing doctors for my injuries, even walking with a stick, I was failing university, and my side businesses were suffering too.

I decided to go see her, in her country (I won't name it) - It was a European country. She ended up being a psychopath, always mentioning how big my friends penis looked in photo's and not being that affectionate, it messed with my head to the point i was doubting my friend who she spoke of, and he did not even meet or know the girl.

It didn't look like she was coming the UK, and i feel like i fell in love with her quickly because i was suicidal all year and thought i found a girl who accepted me, but really she has a misconception that i was some rich British guy looking for a trophy wife, and she was looking for a sugar daddy, as she got upset when i said i would not be able to help her financially or allow her to stay with my family.

After another suicide attempt around 13 months ago from writing this, we decided to part ways.

I found the love of my life or this is the worst decision of my life: Currently, I am with a girl i met through work. I'm 26M, and She's 25F. I have been honest with her about my life, escort addiction, patterns of cheating and self sabotage in relationships, my mental health (Bipolar), suicidal tendencies. She's accepted me with open arms.

She has a child from a previous relationship, where the father of the child is not present. I'm from a lower middle class family living in the outskirts of the capital of UK, basically the suburbs. with a few bad neighbourhoods. She's middle class from a single family household, and lives in the hood.

Now i know this shouldn't matter but even writing this, the people pleaser in me is coming out.

She's amazing and i feel like my soul mate, she has overbearing threatening brothers who have threatened me and promise to apologise next time i see them.

I have been unsure about having a committed relationship with a woman who has a child, i don't know if i can financially make that commitment, and I don't know if i am mentally ready for that.

Also i don't know if i am mentally ready for a relationship, I am really insecure, have a fear of being alone, and am scared that this is causing me to be in a relationship where i am settling. However i do have a track record of fearing commitment, due to what others think and self sabotaging the relationship, i hope i am not doing that now.

Settling for whatever comes with dating a single mother, when there are 1000's of women out there, settling for a woman without a degree and who may not match my financial income in the future, A woman who wants to raise our children (if we get there) another religion opposing from mine. Not to mention the crucifixion i will receive from my racist conservative right wing family for being with a girl from another race, religion and with a child.

We're on a break, and i've got a month to tell her what we want to do. I have been open with her, and she recommended a break, where we don't see other people, for me to figure things out and for her to feel like she has some degree of control in this situation, and too mentally prepare if we do break up.

I don't want to lose her, but want to see if i can get better, I also do not want this to depress me and put me in the state i was from 2020-2022

 

Cons

Financial limits that come with having a partner with a child and who may not have the career aspirations or capability that i'd expect in a partner.

Fear of repraisal from my family if we get married (Which i can navigate through if i need to)

Being intertwined with her family, who i do not like or get on with, but again this can be navigated if needs be.

Me feeling like i am so insecure i'll never find another great woman, coupled with my getting in a relationship as it'll make me feel better, look better, and who doesn't loved being loved. - But all this reasons are toxic reasons to want to be in a relationship.

5. Feeling like i am settling due to points 1 & 2 above.

 

Pro's

 

She's my best friend i love her - But i fall in love so quickly and easily, almost with anyone who ticks my boxes and shows an interest in me, due to my lack of self worth.

She's accepted my true self, the good bad and ugly and due to my physical injuries i will most probably have arthritis that a 70 year old has in my 40's, and has promised to be with me.

I am very insecure when it comes to sex and pleasuring women since my injury, she has not been with many men and the sex is amazing, and i have not problem pleasuring her, and she does not prioritise sex as a major thing unlike the previous promiscuous women i have been with.

Being with her makes me want to be a better person.

I know 4 weeks is not enough time for me to come up with an answer but i would love some advice on how i best spend my 4 weeks before giving her an answer.

[Batya33]

Women who are full time moms do have career aspirations -their career is unpaid though as a full time mom. It's a full time job. If you are not 100% enthusiastic about being a stepfather then it's not fair to be with this woman and it's not fair to the innocent child.  They are a package deal.

Does she know about your prison sentences too -you didn't mention that part in what you shared with her.  

I think if you're already on a break -stay apart.  The cons here far outweigh the pros IMO.  Best of luck to you and good for you for being so self aware.

[Paddy345]

Hi batya, your advice is very much appreciated and yeah she is aware of my prison sentence, it was a non-violent drug offence. What would you say if the child is not a factor and i am more worried about me not being ready for a relationship as the reason for the break, i feel once i conquer myself i can accept being a step father. 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Paddy345 said:

Hi batya, your advice is very much appreciated and yeah she is aware of my prison sentence, it was a non-violent drug offence. What would you say if the child is not a factor and i am more worried about me not being ready for a relationship as the reason for the break, i feel once i conquer myself i can accept being a step father. 

If you have to "conquer" yourself and convince yourself and work to "conquer" to be ready for a relationship and then you 'd only "accept" being a stepfather -then obviously she is not the right person for you and your being in her life would not be in the child's best interests.  At all.  

[Paddy345]

Lets forget she has a child for a second, i do hope me engaging in this back and forth does not annoy you, i just feel alone in this moment, and genuinely feel like she is the love of my life, but then i enter the paradigm of being someone who falls deeply and very quickly due to my lack of self worth. 

If my reasons for the break are to assess whether i am ready for a relationship or not, what would your advice be. 

[Andrina]

From what you've written, you attempted to end your life 2 to four months ago. There is no way you should have entered a relationship so soon after this occurrence, nor do I presently think you should reenter that relationship. You likely need several years to get the proper psychiatric treatment and the right meds that work well with your body before attempting to date.

There is no deadline for having a romantic partner. You have to be the right person to find the right person, and you're not at that point just yet. 

You mention the word settling 3 times in regards to this woman. It's not fair for her to be with someone who is using that word about her. She is the one who would be settling whether or not she knew this is what you thought.

And nobody should be in a situation where they are threatened. You're not in love at this point, in early dating stages. I know no matter how infatuated I was with a guy, if his family was threatening me, I'd exit that toxic environment ASAP.

Be alone and continue working to achieve mental health and a positive self image. Until that happens, your romances are doomed to fail.

 

[Batya33]

Just now, Paddy345 said:

Lets forget she has a child for a second, i do hope me engaging in this back and forth does not annoy you, i just feel alone in this moment, and genuinely feel like she is the love of my life, but then i enter the paradigm of being someone who falls deeply and very quickly due to my lack of self worth. 

If my reasons for the break are to assess whether i am ready for a relationship or not, what would your advice be. 

Feelings aren't facts.  I can't respond as if she doesn't have a child and the fact that you would want that sort of input tells me you are not ready.  I'm sorry you feel alone.  You don't fall deeply and quickly because of a lack of self worth.  You choose to react to feelings of love by interacting with a person who is not a good match.  Own your choices IMO.  

[Paddy345]

I appreciate your radical honesty, thank you. Although it is hard to hear, perhaps it is what i need 

[Paddy345]

Thank you for you comments, Although it is not fair to say i am settling, me and this woman are uncomtorably  honest with each other, to the point she is aware of this. I wouldn't back bite like that. 

 

Although i understand your advice, i feel like she is a good fit for me, due to our compatibility, ability to be honest, mature and accept each other...And as i said she is like my other half, my best friend almost. 

[Paddy345]

Which adds an element of fear of not wanting to losing her, as imagine i don't find someone like her by far she is the best woman i have been with. 

[Kwothe28]

Your dating life usually reflects your state of mind and life you are leading. You lead a turbulent life with lots of mental health and even physical health issues. So no wonder your dating life consisted of:

- Girl who loved bad boys and got pregnant in college

- Girl who wanted a SugarDaddy

- Girl that already has a kid in 20s(let me guess, single mom and kid without dad) and has a troublesome family

Those are all your choices as well as escorts and such. And I am sorry, but until you fix your mental health and stop leading turbulent life, those are the kind of girls you will gona get. You need to fix your life first. And then seek a partner who will corespond your life ways. 

Until then, be single. You shouldnt play dad for somebody else kid while her family threatens you. Focus on yourself. Get your life in order first. 

Are you in therapy? 

[waffle]

56 minutes ago, Paddy345 said:

I don't want to lose her, but want to see if i can get better,

There's your answer.  Continue your search for someone better.

But don't lie to yourself and say you're in love with her.

[Paddy345]

30 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Your dating life usually reflects your state of mind and life you are leading. You lead a turbulent life with lots of mental health and even physical health issues. So no wonder your dating life consisted of:

- Girl who loved bad boys and got pregnant in college

- Girl who wanted a SugarDaddy

- Girl that already has a kid in 20s(let me guess, single mom and kid without dad) and has a troublesome family

Those are all your choices as well as escorts and such. And I am sorry, but until you fix your mental health and stop leading turbulent life, those are the kind of girls you will gona get. You need to fix your life first. And then seek a partner who will corespond your life ways. 

Until then, be single. You shouldnt play dad for somebody else kid while her family threatens you. Focus on yourself. Get your life in order first. 

Are you in therapy? 

Yeah although this woman had a child at a young age, she is not your typical young single mum, not in the slightest, usually through no fault of their own, women in these situations come with red flags, not this girl. And i've sorted the issues with her family out. My final dilemma is figuring out whether or not i genuinley love this girl or those feelings are driven from a deeper insecurity and fear of being alone. 

[Paddy345]

1 hour ago, waffle said:

There's your answer.  Continue your search for someone better.

But don't lie to yourself and say you're in love with her.

Yeah my dilemma is figuring out whether or not i genuinely love this girl or those feelings are driven from a deeper insecurity and fear of being alone. 

 

She's so great though i do not want to lose her, or hurt her nor her child, which is why this timeout, break whatever you want to call it has occurred. 

[Paddy345]

1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

Your dating life usually reflects your state of mind and life you are leading. You lead a turbulent life with lots of mental health and even physical health issues. So no wonder your dating life consisted of:

- Girl who loved bad boys and got pregnant in college

- Girl who wanted a SugarDaddy

- Girl that already has a kid in 20s(let me guess, single mom and kid without dad) and has a troublesome family

Those are all your choices as well as escorts and such. And I am sorry, but until you fix your mental health and stop leading turbulent life, those are the kind of girls you will gona get. You need to fix your life first. And then seek a partner who will corespond your life ways. 

Until then, be single. You shouldnt play dad for somebody else kid while her family threatens you. Focus on yourself. Get your life in order first. 

Are you in therapy? 

Thank you for your comment though,it is much appreciated and no i stopped therapy last year due to me not being able to afford it

[Paddy345]

1 hour ago, Andrina said:

From what you've written, you attempted to end your life 2 to four months ago. There is no way you should have entered a relationship so soon after this occurrence, nor do I presently think you should reenter that relationship. You likely need several years to get the proper psychiatric treatment and the right meds that work well with your body before attempting to date.

There is no deadline for having a romantic partner. You have to be the right person to find the right person, and you're not at that point just yet. 

You mention the word settling 3 times in regards to this woman. It's not fair for her to be with someone who is using that word about her. She is the one who would be settling whether or not she knew this is what you thought.

And nobody should be in a situation where they are threatened. You're not in love at this point, in early dating stages. I know no matter how infatuated I was with a guy, if his family was threatening me, I'd exit that toxic environment ASAP.

Be alone and continue working to achieve mental health and a positive self image. Until that happens, your romances are doomed to fail.

 

Thank you for you comments, Although it is not fair to say i am settling, me and this woman are uncomtorably  honest with each other, to the point she is aware of this. I wouldn't back bite like that. 

 

Although i understand your advice, i feel like she is a good fit for me, due to our compatibility, ability to be honest, mature and accept each other...And as i said she is like my other half, my best friend almost. 

[Kwothe28]

34 minutes ago, Paddy345 said:

Thank you for your comment though,it is much appreciated and no i stopped therapy last year due to me not being able to afford it

That explains a lot. Again, you need to take care of yourself better and bring your life in order first. That means doing a proper mental health care. You wont go far if you dont. Your chaos would just attract more chaos. That is not a solution you seek. Its scary to be alone, I know. But until you get your life in order you cant think about dating anyone. It would only draw you further down the rabbit hole.

Enroll into therapy again. You tried to kill yourself few months ago. That is not a proper mental capacity to do anything really advanced, like being in a proper healthy relationship and being a dad to her kid, which would be expected from you. You need to do that for yourself. After that, you can think about relationships. You are still very young, there is no rush to anything.

[DarkCh0c0]

43 minutes ago, Paddy345 said:

Yeah my dilemma is figuring out whether or not i genuinely love this girl or those feelings are driven from a deeper insecurity and fear of being alone. 

Love is not enough to keep a couple together.

You need to be in a healthy headspace and then find a partner on that same wavelength.

For now, you seem to be in a transitional period in your life and I recommend not making such a commitment as you're still clouded by your judgements.

Take some time to be single, find friends, new hobbies and focus on loving yourself. Once you do that, you will attract people like you and you won't question yourself like this anymore nor take breaks to figure things out.

Listen to the inner voice that got you here for help. If you're honest with yourself, you just know that right now this deal with her doesn't cut it fully for you, and that's okay.

And, I'm sorry for what you've been through. You're very brave and courageous to keep going and wanting to improve your life! Give yourself a pat on your shoulder.

[Batya33]

I was not being radically honest.  I felt what I wrote was basic common sense.  If I were you I'd avoid choosing big psychobabble type verbage and get down to basics with yourself -you seem to indulge in making this a lot more complicated to justify settling and sticking around with this single mom. 

I really like how people have pointed out to you that when you cut through to the basics you are infatuated with a woman you recently met, clinging to her because you don't think you can do better, and making excuses as to why it's ok to be with a mom when you would have to jump through mentally tortured hoops even to accept being a stepfather to this child.  It doesn't matter if she's not like a typical single mom (whatever the heck that means -i don't really like the sound of that) - the fact is she is a woman who has a minor child completely dependent on her with no father in the picture. 

She is a package deal.  You come with tons of doubts about her and her situation and with a past that she seems to have "accepted" but yet has known pairs of her socks longer and better than she's known you. 

Love is not enough.  Loving is giving.  You're not ready to give love to this person in the form that would be required.  You say all these superlative things about her and your feelings and you haven't known her over a long period of time to know whether your feelings and opinions have any real basis in reality. 

[Jaunty]

NOPE.  You are not far enough along in your journey of recovery from your various things to function successfully in a serious relationship and especially not with a child involved.

You are in early dating stages with this woman, and it's not enough time for you to even know how compatible you may be.

AND, like others, I can't even think about it very seriously after reading how you think you'd be "settling" for this or that with this woman.   I mean ... and take this from a perosn who has screwed up a LOT in my own life ... you are going to require a great deal of acceptance, with your own track record.  So talking  being concerned about "settling" for a woman without a degree and with a child just put me absolutely on NOPE as soon as I got to that point of your post.   Honestly, no one who comes here and thinks so much about how they're "settling" at the beginning of any relationship is going to get a generally positive response.  It's a terrible way to start.

Focus on yourself.  Some of your issues need more time devoted to them to be resolved than you've given to them.

100% moveon.org.   

 

[SooSad33]

7 hours ago, Paddy345 said:

I have been unsure about having a committed relationship with a woman who has a child, i don't know if i can financially make that commitment, and I don't know if i am mentally ready for that.

Also i don't know if i am mentally ready for a relationship, I am really insecure, have a fear of being alone, and am scared that this is causing me to be in a relationship where i am settling. However i do have a track record of fearing commitment, due to what others think and self sabotaging the relationship, i hope i am not doing that now.

As I often say.. IF any doubt, back out. ( gut feelings).

 

I have spent the last 3+ years on my own.  Knowing I don't have it in me to be involved.  I am mentally & emotionally drained.  So, I am in no ways ready or able to be involved.  I remain on my 'mood stablizers' and carry on.  I have a few friends and do much of my own thing.  I have hobbies, walk my dog, etc.

Never feel rushed into a relationship.  ( she backed out on you- suggesting this 'break'? .. then maybe it's just time to not go back.  But continue to work on yourself! 🙂 

 

7 hours ago, Paddy345 said:

I don't want to lose her, but want to see if i can get better, I also do not want this to depress me and put me in the state i was from 2020-2022

Well, you can get better if you want to - but not in a month.

Are you properly medicated nowadays?  This will be a real issue for you throughout, if you're not 😕 .

 

IMO, you do need some more time.. to work through your issue's.  Your fears etc.  A relationship comes with expectations, your time, your energy.

 

 

[Tinydance]

Well if you would like my honest opinion, it's this....You speak about this girl like you're probably better than her, because she's a single mother and she didn't go to university. I understand if you don't particularly want to take care of a child who is not biologically yours. If you stay with this girl unfortunately you would actually need to take care of the child both in terms of care giving and financially. Some people don't want any kids who are not actually their own kids and I have no judgement about that. So I guess you just need to think about whether her having a child is a make or break for you. That's completely your decision.  I can't really give you advice on that part because it's how YOU feel about her having a child.

In terms of everything else you've written, and I don't mean this judgementally, but you actually don't sound like the best catch from the outside. I know you are really trying to turn your life around. Studying at university, trying to have a serious relationship. And you were getting therapy which I think is great! I know you really struggle with mental health and I'm sure you're doing your best.

But you were in jail for two years before. You didn't write what crimes you committed but I have a feeling it was something pretty bad. You don't just get two years in prison for stealing a loaf of bread lol To be fair even just being in jail in general would probably put a lot of women off being with you. I'm personally not sure if I would want to date someone who has been in jail because I would be worried they night re-offend. I've never gotten into trouble with the law myself (not yet anyway). I never really did illegal drugs or even did things like steal something small from a shop.

In particular if a woman has a child, she might not want someone who has been in jail around her child. Also people with a criminal record may have less job opportunities. 

Also you having bipolar disorder is not your fault but as you can imagine suicidal attempts are very serious. My first boyfriend and best friend of 3.5 years committed suicide and it took a huge toll on me. I'm not even sure I've ever completely got over it and it's now been 19 years since then. My ex-fiance had severe mental health issues and was suicidal. I was really supportive to him but it was very difficult and exhausting.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, you said maybe you can "do better" than this girl, though you really love her. Well, exactly the same can be said about you. She can also do better than you. You have a lot of skeletons in your closet and issues you struggle with. Yet she loves you and accepts you exactly as you are.

I don't really see why you think you're better or can do better than her. And even though you were studying at university, you were failing it and making suicide attempts. So yes you were at university but not exactly passing the degree I'm guessing?

Maybe this girl hasn't got a degree but she's dedicating herself to a purpose in life - which is being a mother to her child. And that's a 24/7 job. If she's doing a good job of it then no offence but she's probably a lot more stable than you are.

As a 37-year-old who has done A LOT of dating I can tell you that it's really hard to actually find someone who loves you and you also love. And especially who accepts you just as you are.

Also who cares what your family think of her? It's not like she's done something wrong just because she's of "another race" and has a child. It's probably not her fault that the child's father didn't want to be involved and she has to be a single Mum. You're making some judgemental comments considering you're not really in a place to make them. I mean, you have quite a bit you could be judged for as well.

Above everything, your mental health should be your number one priority. If it's possible to go back to therapy and take the appropriate medications, I really think you should do that. You could also join some support groups. I think they can be helpful depending if it's your kind of thing. Unfortunately having a mental illness is an ongoing struggle that you always need to get support for. You can definitely be in recovery but it just doesn't sound like you're there yet.

 

 

[Batya33]

6 hours ago, Tinydance said:

But you were in jail for two years before. You didn't write what crimes you committed but I have a feeling it was something pretty bad. You don't just get two years in prison for stealing a loaf of bread lol To be fair even just being in jail in general would probably put a lot of women off being with you. I'm personally not sure if I would want to date someone who has been in jail because I would be worried they night re-offend. I've never gotten into trouble with the law myself (not yet anyway). I never really did illegal drugs or even did things like steal something small from a shop.

He said it was a nonviolent drug related offense.  For a number of reasons I would be ok being acquainted with/friendly with a person in that situation.  I would not have dated a person with that sort of past.  But some women are fine with it and even seek to date incarcerated individuals.

[Paddy345]

29 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

He said it was a nonviolent drug related offense.  For a number of reasons I would be ok being acquainted with/friendly with a person in that situation.  I would not have dated a person with that sort of past.  But some women are fine with it and even seek to date incarcerated individuals.

Without saying to much and revealing who i am, there is a lot of sentiment in this forum around my criminal record, not making me a catch. But i'd just like to add that my lived experience within the criminal justice system, being educated whilst incarcerated, has kick started my career, i am lucky that i've managed to make the best out of a worst situation. I don't have issues getting jobs ect.. 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Paddy345 said:

Without saying to much and revealing who i am, there is a lot of sentiment in this forum around my criminal record, not making me a catch. But i'd just like to add that my lived experience within the criminal justice system, being educated whilst incarcerated, has kick started my career, i am lucky that i've managed to make the best out of a worst situation. I don't have issues getting jobs ect.. 

I think you could be a catch for sure for the right person.  I have an acquaintance who served time at least twice for white collar crimes and now advocates on behalf of incarcerated women.  She is divorced and dates at times. I no longer want to be friends with her because she manipulated/lied to me way back to get me to do her a favor (this is before I knew about her criminal record) and I was very close to being one of her victims of her scam some years ago that landed her in jail. 

But, I still follow her on Facebook, see that so far she's been leading an honest life, and could see myself supporting her cause not on her behalf but perhaps on behalf of someone else. 

I personally would never have dated anyone with a criminal record and at the same time would know for sure that person was a catch for someone else. And would have been friendly with the person if we had stuff in common just like any other person. As I wrote above. 

I also refused to date men who lied about their age, marital status, education level on dating profiles no matter what the reason and two of my friends married men I knew of who lied about their ages.  I don't judge my friends -those men were catches for them, not for me in line with what I was looking for.  

I'm glad you made the choices you did while incarcerated and after and I wish you the best of luck!  I'm sorry you've seen people post that you are not a catch because you were in prison.  I haven't read every word of every post and have not seen that.