Am I too insecure?

[Beargirl201]

Hi! Well my boyfriend moved away for a few months because of this education opportunity and in all of his messages he talks about how amazing his new neighbour is, and they are spending a lot of time alone together and going on trips and stuff. And other than compliments about her, he won’t  tell me anything about who she is. I don’t want him to think I don’t trust him, but I feel awful everytime he talks about how perfect she is. Am I too insecure? 😞

[SooSad33]

Can you fill us in a little more?  eg your age, how long have you been involved?

Do you know his history?  ( Has he had any previous long term relationships?).

 

He moved for a few months.. How many?  Is he due back home soon?

I hope he made more friends than just this one 'female neighbour'.

And I hope you two do more than just 'messaging'.  Like actual 'voice calls'.

 

 

[poorlittlefish]

I don't know that many women would be comfortable to hear that their boyfriend is spending a lot of time alone with another woman.  Telling you that he compliments her and thinks she's perfect is downright rude and hurtful.  If he won't tell you anything about her and presumably there have been no opportunities for you to meet this woman, then I'd say he's enjoying a new relationship and keeping you in the background for when he returns home.  Your boyfriend is being disrespectful so no, you are not being insecure.  You need to have a serious talk with him.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Beargirl201 said:

 they are spending a lot of time alone together and going on trips and stuff. 😞

How long have you been dating? How old is he? 

It may be best to set yourselves free from this because it's clear he has a thing for her and they are sort of almost dating.

You two seem to have deficient communication because in one breath you're saying all he talks about is her and in another you claim he won't tell you anything about her.

How is that possible? 

[Batya33]

I am all for people having platonic friends no matter what their marital/relationship status.  If she is single - has he told you he talks about you with her? Can you two meet up in these few months -or is it too far? What have you asked about her? Do you trust him otherwise?  I am suspicious because this is a brand new friend and they are spending an awful lot of time together for new platonic friends, and he's there for an educational opportunity -is she in the same program? I personally would assume there's some attraction there on at least one side.

I'd tell him - how would you feel if I made a new male friend and was going on these trips/outings alone and telling you how awesome he was?

How often do you have conversations by phone or face time that are longer than 15 minutes?

[Beargirl201]

7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

How long have you been dating? How old is he? 

It may be best to set yourselves free from this because it's clear he has a thing for her and they are sort of almost dating.

You two seem to have deficient communication because in one breath you're saying all he talks about is her and in another you claim he won't tell you anything about her.

How is that possible? 

Yeah sorry for not specifying!

and he tells me stuff like “I’ve just been hanging out with my neighbour all day” and how she’s really nice and pretty but he won’t tell me her name, age or any actual details about her.

but you’re right, I should just talk to him straight about it.

[Beargirl201]

10 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

Can you fill us in a little more?  eg your age, how long have you been involved?

Do you know his history?  ( Has he had any previous long term relationships?).

 

He moved for a few months.. How many?  Is he due back home soon?

I hope he made more friends than just this one 'female neighbour'.

And I hope you two do more than just 'messaging'.  Like actual 'voice calls'.

 

 

I’m 22 and he’s 23 and we’ve been together for around 8 months. And yes, he has had a long term relationship before, which he was in for around a year. He’s going to be away for just over three months. He hasn’t mentioned any other friends and it seems like they spend almost all day together.

And we do voice call almost everyday, and things were going really good with us until this. But the thing that’s really bothering me is how he keeps delaying me visiting him 😕

 

 

[Beargirl201]

4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I am all for people having platonic friends no matter what their marital/relationship status.  If she is single - has he told you he talks about you with her? Can you two meet up in these few months -or is it too far? What have you asked about her? Do you trust him otherwise?  I am suspicious because this is a brand new friend and they are spending an awful lot of time together for new platonic friends, and he's there for an educational opportunity -is she in the same program? I personally would assume there's some attraction there on at least one side.

I'd tell him - how would you feel if I made a new male friend and was going on these trips/outings alone and telling you how awesome he was?

How often do you have conversations by phone or face time that are longer than 15 minutes?

Me too! And I was genuinely really unbothered when he told me he made friends with her but it just seems like they’re spending all of their time together. And he’s never mentioned that he’s told her about me or anything. And I didn’t want it to seem like I didn’t trust him but I’ve asked for stuff like her name and whether she’s single but he always says that she’s just “a girl that lives nextdoor” and that he doesn’t really know her well, which is strange because he mentions that they are spending time together nearly every day. It’s just really confusing me.

I’ve never had any issues with trusting him before and up until this everything was going great. But we do video call and voice call for hours pretty much every night, but the fact that he keeps delaying me visiting him makes me really uncomfortable.

[Beargirl201]

8 hours ago, poorlittlefish said:

I don't know that many women would be comfortable to hear that their boyfriend is spending a lot of time alone with another woman.  Telling you that he compliments her and thinks she's perfect is downright rude and hurtful.  If he won't tell you anything about her and presumably there have been no opportunities for you to meet this woman, then I'd say he's enjoying a new relationship and keeping you in the background for when he returns home.  Your boyfriend is being disrespectful so no, you are not being insecure.  You need to have a serious talk with him.

You’re right. And he keeps delaying me visiting him which is obviously not a good sign. We’ve been together a while and everything was going really good up until now so it’s quite hard to accept that he may be doing this but I will definitely talk to him today. Thank you.

[Cherylyn]

I would feel insecure,  distrustful and disgusted if I were you.  Apparently,  your boyfriend doesn't know how to behave honorably whether your back is turned or not.  ☹️

He treats you with extreme disrespect. 

You can never change a man.  He is who he is.  If you try to change him,  he'll simply cover his tracks better in the future.   He'll keep his mouth shut and figure ignorance is bliss for you which is very sneaky behavior. 

He insinuates that you're not so perfect.  Beware.   He spells trouble for you not just now but in the future as well.   Either accept him the way he is or show him the door.  Let the door hit his  _______  on his way out! 

[Beargirl201]

3 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

I would feel insecure,  distrustful and disgusted if I were you.  Apparently,  your boyfriend doesn't know how to behave honorably whether your back is turned or not.  ☹️

He treats you with extreme disrespect. 

You can never change a man.  He is who he is.  If you try to change him,  he'll simply cover his tracks better in the future.   He'll keep his mouth shut and figure ignorance is bliss for you which is very sneaky behavior. 

He insinuates that you're not so perfect.  Beware.   He spells trouble for you not just now but in the future as well.   Either accept him the way he is or show him the door.  Let the door hit his  _______  on his way out! 

Yeah you’re totally right! I’m thinking of maybe just straight up asking him if he likes her, honesty is the most important thing for me and if I can’t trust him then this relationship probably isn’t going to work out anyway. I just feel sad now because I really loved him.
Thanks for your advice! 

[Batya33]

I wouldn't ask him that.  I'd ask him - do you still want to be in a serious relationship with me? And tell him his actions are not consistent.  Don't ask him how he "feels" -he may not even know.  But he'll know without hesitation that he wants to be with you.  If he says yes then ask him to make a plan to see you.  And see if his actions match his words.

[Beargirl201]

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I wouldn't ask him that.  I'd ask him - do you still want to be in a serious relationship with me? And tell him his actions are not consistent.  Don't ask him how he "feels" -he may not even know.  But he'll know without hesitation that he wants to be with you.  If he says yes then ask him to make a plan to see you.  And see if his actions match his words.

That makes a lot of sense, thank you so much. I’ll definitely keep that in mind. 

[Cherylyn]

37 minutes ago, Beargirl201 said:

Yeah you’re totally right! I’m thinking of maybe just straight up asking him if he likes her, honesty is the most important thing for me and if I can’t trust him then this relationship probably isn’t going to work out anyway. I just feel sad now because I really loved him.
Thanks for your advice! 

Don't ask him if he likes her because he'll tell you what you want to hear in order to prevent a heated argument or he'll become defensive and both of you will still engage in a heated argument. 

Don't love him because if he doesn't love you.  If he loved you,  he wouldn't have disrespected you when your back was turned and whenever you're with him.   You can never look at him the same way anymore because trust is dead.

Don't feel sad.  Be glad to know now instead of letting this drag on.  He is who he is.  Either tolerate him the way he is or do something about it by dissolving and exiting this sham of a relationship. 

You deserve to be treated with respect because being treated with respect IS love.

[smackie9]

So sorry this is happening, it's horrible. You are going to have to be honest with him in how this is making you feel. Ask him how would he like it if you were spending a lot of time with a new dude, and saying how good looking he is, etc.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Beargirl201 said:

I’m 22 and he’s 23 and we’ve been together for around 8 months.He’s going to be away for just over three months. the thing that’s really bothering me is how he keeps delaying me visiting him

I think at some level you know he is using the "while-the-cat's-away-the mice-will-play" philosophy. You two may call and video chat daily because he is coming back and doesn't want to lose that.

However you know he's into her and they are going on trips, hanging out constantly, etc. It's doubtful you'll see him the same way when he gets  back because of this nagging suspicion that something is off. She probably doesn't know he has a GF.

[catfeeder]

If a guy were to delay my trip to see him while telling me such things about another woman, I'd skip trying to 'manage' him with my concerns.

Whether he'd get defensive, or lie to pacify, or even give me perfectly caring responses, it wouldn't matter, because it wouldn't change his proximity or attraction to her, and it wouldn't change his behavior. So that would be a waste of effort.

Instead, I'd thank him for his honesty, and I'd tell him that in order to preserve any future potential we might possibly have, I'm walking away while we both still think highly of one another. This way, he gets to freely enjoy his new experience and his new friend, and I'm free to pursue my own happiness as well.

I'd invite him to consider where he stands when he returns, and if he's free and clear of all other attachments and wants to reach out, he's welcome to do so. If I'm still available then, maybe we can meet to catch up. Otherwise, I wish him the best.

I think of this as playing down the middle without losing my own dignity, especially since that wouldn't 'work' to accomplish anything, anyway. This way, I can heal and discover whether I might stumble across a better match for me, even while I've liberated myself from trying to police someone else from afar.

Head high, and my heart goes out to you.

[Cherylyn]

Don't deal nor bother with stupidity.  I'd walk if I were you.  He's a waste of your time and energy.

[JoyfulCompany]

Your concerns are very valid. It sucks, I'm sorry. There's a difference between being unreasonably insecure and your SO deliberately making you feel insecure.

In what way are being "pretty" and "perfect" friendship qualities? In what way is it respectful to you that he's hanging out with her, solo, all the time (and going on trips?!) but not telling you anything about her? In what way are you supposed to feel missed/wanted/appreciated/loved if he's delaying your visit?
No way.

I would typically have one more face to face conversation about it before walking away but in your case, where there's distance, I would honestly not bother wasting time and money to go visit him. I'll get very busy with my own life and fade out. When he's back, we can talk if he wants.

When I was your age, I would do anything to close the gap with the other person. Talk, explain, walk the whole way towards someone. It never worked out when they were unwilling to meet me halfway.
If you talk to him now you can expect he'll dismiss your concerns or get defensive. You can still try, of course, up to you. But with time you'll learn to recognize when someone is really into you by their behaviour. This is not it.

[Beargirl201]

Hey! I just wanted to let you all know that me and my boyfriend had a very long and calm conversation, and he seemed really sincere and apologetic about the situation. He told me he didn’t like this girl romantically and I’m not totally sure if I believe him if I’m honest. But he wants me to go and stay with him for a while. 
I think I might give him a chance, but I also may just be being naive. 
 

What do you all think? x

[boltnrun]

51 minutes ago, Beargirl201 said:

Hey! I just wanted to let you all know that me and my boyfriend had a very long and calm conversation, and he seemed really sincere and apologetic about the situation. He told me he didn’t like this girl romantically and I’m not totally sure if I believe him if I’m honest. But he wants me to go and stay with him for a while. 
I think I might give him a chance, but I also may just be being naive. 
 

What do you all think? x

Go visit him. Ask to meet her. If he refuses, ask him why not. If you do meet her, introduce yourself (don't let him introduce you) as his girlfriend. If he tries to stop you or introduces you as "my friend" you'll know the truth.

Another sure sign is if he's more considerate of her feelings than he is of yours.

I hope it all turns out to be OK.

[MissCanuck]

8 hours ago, Beargirl201 said:

He told me he didn’t like this girl romantically and I’m not totally sure if I believe him if I’m honest. But he wants me to go and stay with him for a while.

So, when is the trip?

He's got a crush on her, despite what he's telling you. It's obvious. Whether or not he acts on it is important, but also beside the point. If he's got space in his mind and heart to get this close to another woman, your relationship is already in a lot of trouble. 

 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Beargirl201 said:

 he wants me to go and stay with him for a while. 

Yes visit each other and particularly feel free to visit him where he's staying. Not to check up on him (or his "hot" neighbor he keeps going on about), but to reconnect and maintain the relationship.

[Batya33]

I would first see if he initiates you meeting his new best friend and how he introduces you - if he doesn't then sure you can go all territorial but his reaction is really what matters.  It's a good sign he agreed to have you come visit.

[Beargirl201]

7 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

So, when is the trip?

He's got a crush on her, despite what he's telling you. It's obvious. Whether or not he acts on it is important, but also beside the point. If he's got space in his mind and heart to get this close to another woman, your relationship is already in a lot of trouble. 

 

We decided that I’d go down to visit him tomorrow actually. And I do agree with you, I definitely think he has a crush on her. If he doesn’t act on it, I think we may be able to work though it though.