Telling a girl you like her but she is seeing someone who she doesn't like for a while now

[rayman1427]

I like this girl at work. She has been seeing some guy from work over 1 year in secret or at least she thinks it's a secret. She has told other people that she doesn't like the guy she is seeing and only sees him as a friend. But she can't find a way out. The guy is 6 years older than her about to turn 40 so I guess this is his last hope for a long term relationship. The girl was hurt before in her love life so maybe she feels that breaking up with him would be the same thing she went through. They are only seeing each other, they are not boyfriend or girlfriend or at least that is what she keeps telling everyone that she is single but seeing someone. I don't know how that works but either way I told her over a card and a gift that I have feelings for her.

I am on vacation and she saw my gift while I was gone. She told one of my colleagues at work that she is really confused and doesn't know what to do because a co-worker slash maybe friend likes me but I don't like her back and maybe she feels she will betray her if she accepts me. I think the girl may like me and I want to tell her in person how I feel when I get back but I am starting to have second thoughts.

I do not want her to make a rash decision but I also don't want her to be in a relationship she feels obligated to be. She doesn't like the guy I know that for a fact. The guy treats her nice, buys her stuff, takes her on trips etc etc but she says she has a boring time when they are together. She refers to him as a friend when she mentions hanging out with him.

Would it be wrong to chase after her knowing she is seeing someone but she doesn't like/love him and they been hanging out for at least 1 year or longer? The girl is very nice and sweet and I don't think she wants to hurt the guy but I feel she is hurting herself more by being with someone you don't have feelings for. All I know is she is confused AF on what to do and what she wants in her life. any advice?

Am I in the wrong by telling her how I feel even though I know she is seeing someone but not in a serious relationship?

[MissCanuck]

56 minutes ago, rayman1427 said:

The guy treats her nice, buys her stuff, takes her on trips etc etc but she says she has a boring time when they are together

Why do you want a woman like this?

She is taking advantage of him and insulting him behind his back. You need a better picker, OP. She's not a decent person, so pursuing her is not a good idea anyway. 

[rayman1427]

8 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Why do you want a woman like this?

She is taking advantage of him and insulting him behind his back. You need a better picker, OP. She's not a decent person, so pursuing her is not a good idea anyway. 

You may be right but our heart works in mysterious ways. I feel she doesn't know what she wants. She is very insecure and has low self esteem. Maybe she feels that there is no one out there for her and she feels at least with the guy she is seeing she has someone that cares for her and takes cares of her even though she doesn't like him as more than a friend and that is better than being alone at least for now. 

 

Maybe I can help her change how she feels about herself but I am pondering if I am doing a wrong by seeking someone who is seeing someone else already. That is my struggle.  

 

I think the guy knows how she feels about him but I think he thinks over time, she may develop feelings for him. 

 

She said she wants to find a way to end it but doesn't know how and feels trapped since she doesn't want to hurt him for he has been very good to her. 

[greendots]

You've already openly expressed to her that you like her. She knows. Should she genuinely be interested in you, she will contact you.

Since you're working together I wouldn't push this any further. You don't want HR on your case.

Welcome to the forum!

[MissCanuck]

48 minutes ago, rayman1427 said:

She said she wants to find a way to end it but doesn't know how and feels trapped

I'm sorry, but this a total cop-out. 

She's a big girl. She knows exactly how to end this, and she's not "trapped." She's being overly dramatic and that should tell you eveything you need to know. She is still choosing him. 

50 minutes ago, rayman1427 said:

Maybe I can help her change how she feels about herself

No. You are not her therapist, and nor should you try to be. She isn't some poor flower who just needs a little watering. She's an adult making some poor choices, likely because it serves her in some way. She's not the nice, sweet person you want to believe she is. 

51 minutes ago, rayman1427 said:

I am pondering if I am doing a wrong by seeking someone who is seeing someone else already.

Yes, you are. Whatever miserable things she says about him, it's clear she is still dating him. You are playing with fire here and stand to get very hurt. 

She's making excuses, and that's usually because someone doesn't have the heart or maturity to tell you directly that they're not interested that way. 

 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, rayman1427 said:

She said she wants to find a way to end it but doesn't know how and feels trapped since she doesn't want to hurt him for he has been very good to her. 

Leave her alone. For your own wellbeing. The workplace is not a singles club. Date outside of work.

Stop making things awkward for her. She's there to get a paycheck. Steer clear of office gossip.

It seems she sees you as a male-girlfriend who she talks about her love life to.

Date interested women outside of work. Stop being her confidant and stop doing creepy stuff like the gifts. It's inappropriate.

[Kwothe28]

I would also ask why you invent a reasons for a garbage person like her?  She is seeing somebody in secret because she likes attention and gifts. But she doesnt commit to him from one reason or another. But tells him he is just a friend or at least tells you that? You do know there is an option that she tells you that so you could be her "orbiter"? You already started with gifts. 

There is nothing sweet about that girl. She is garbage. If you ever have something with her, expect the same treatment she has for the other guy. Keeping you in secret. While she tells people around office how you are friends. She knows what she wants, she is not confused. Its just you who made an image of her in your head. How she is some innocent sweet girl. Who is just confused and doesnt know what it means when a 40 year old person takes her to vacation.

[Andrina]

Wow, you're all in your mid-thirties? Sounds more like high school nonsense.

There is a big difference in asking out a woman who is single and casually dating, as in she's had one or two dates with one ore more guys, but isn't boinking anyone--

Versus, a woman who implies she's single but has been boinking a guy for an entire year.

So yes, any self-respecting guy would move on to seeking someone who is actually available.

Because of your infatuation, you've built up this fantastical tale of why she's doing what she's doing to steer the story in a way that you will be a white knight riding in to rescue the hopeless damsel who doesn't know what's best for herself. It's likely not true, but if it were, people who don't have their &^%$ together make for horrible partners anyway.

Time to start thinking of her as just another co-worker. In fact, if you can easily find similar work elsewhere, I'd look into that because now everyone knows the lengths you've gone to to win her over, and as said by others, the workplace is not a dating venue.

[Rose Mosse]

7 hours ago, rayman1427 said:

You may be right but our heart works in mysterious ways. I feel she doesn't know what she wants. She is very insecure and has low self esteem. Maybe she feels that there is no one out there for her and she feels at least with the guy she is seeing she has someone that cares for her and takes cares of her even though she doesn't like him as more than a friend and that is better than being alone at least for now. 

 

Maybe I can help her change how she feels about herself but I am pondering if I am doing a wrong by seeking someone who is seeing someone else already. That is my struggle.  

 

I think the guy knows how she feels about him but I think he thinks over time, she may develop feelings for him. 

 

She said she wants to find a way to end it but doesn't know how and feels trapped since she doesn't want to hurt him for he has been very good to her. 

No, step back from all this. Ask yourself why a person of low self-esteem and a plethora of personal issues appears attractive. Do you also have low self-esteem? You can go about things differently and start associating with other people who treat their partners better and feel good about themselves. Stay away and steer clear. Remain professional only around her.

[catfeeder]

Sounds like you're inventing a load of schoolboy bunk, and you're the only one who's buying it.

If you believe yourself to be rescuing a grown woman from her own capacity for disloyalty, you'll just promote yourself from the one she's disloyal WITH to the one TO WHOM she'll next become disloyal.

You might enjoy your victory for about 5 minutes before it occurs to you that you need to start watching over both shoulders. Not a great way to live, but if you choose it, there you are.

Think.

[smackie9]

Sorry but your heart is whispering sweet stupidity in your ear. You are a grown man, and you know the difference between right and wrong...she is all wrong, a parade of red flags. She's a grown a$$ woman, she knows what she is doing and it's out of selfishness. She's using the guy plain and simple...a nice guy and she talks trash about him while playing the victim to anyone who will listen to her gripe. She now has pulled you into her web of nonsense. Don't fall into the white knight syndrome trying to "rescue" her. She is bad news.

[SooSad33]

12 hours ago, rayman1427 said:

Would it be wrong to chase after her knowing she is seeing someone but she doesn't like/love him and they been hanging out for at least 1 year or longer? The girl is very nice and sweet and I don't think she wants to hurt the guy but I feel she is hurting herself more by being with someone you don't have feelings for. All I know is she is confused AF on what to do and what she wants in her life.

Yup, this would be wrong....

By sounds of it, she is just 'hurting'.

She sounds like she'd be much better off, with no one!  And for a good while.

Also, she is a co worker?  Ick 😕 .. No, I suggest you do not pursue this at all.  Do you really want more pressures at your work in this sense?  Would be sooo awkward - think about it.

 

Also, you say this is not a 'true relationship' but they are 'seeing each other'... Then you steer clear of all of this!

IMO, she is not in a good frame of mind at all 😕 .. You mentioned how she is possibly still affected from a past relationship?  This is what I'm going at- avoid someone like this!  She's been hurt AND she is remaining with some guy she really doesn't fancy?  How do you think she'd be , running into your arms?  I dont see anything positive in this at all.

 

[waffle]

19 hours ago, rayman1427 said:

She refers to him as a friend when she mentions hanging out with him.

Rest assured she has told him you're just a platonic friend as well.

[rayman1427]

On 9/2/2022 at 10:32 AM, SooSad33 said:

Yup, this would be wrong....

By sounds of it, she is just 'hurting'.

She sounds like she'd be much better off, with no one!  And for a good while.

Also, she is a co worker?  Ick 😕 .. No, I suggest you do not pursue this at all.  Do you really want more pressures at your work in this sense?  Would be sooo awkward - think about it.

 

Also, you say this is not a 'true relationship' but they are 'seeing each other'... Then you steer clear of all of this!

IMO, she is not in a good frame of mind at all 😕 .. You mentioned how she is possibly still affected from a past relationship?  This is what I'm going at- avoid someone like this!  She's been hurt AND she is remaining with some guy she really doesn't fancy?  How do you think she'd be , running into your arms?  I dont see anything positive in this at all.

 

agree. But she has shown me signs that she may be interested in me. She always smiles when she sees me, specially when I have been gone from work a while. She keeps constant eye contact when I talk to her. She laughs, jokes around when I talk to her. She has told me some personal secrets that even the guy she is seeing doesn't know about her. She gives me snacks, desserts she brings when she sees me in the breakroom. I am not saying the likes me but I think there is a possibility.

She has told other co-workers that she is confused about the relationship she is in now. She doesn't know how to get out of it because she feels that if she ends the relationship she will hurt the guy like how she was hurt even though they are not truly boyfriend/girlfriend yet. She has low self esteem and is very insecure and I feel that is why she is seeing this guy because this guy has been there for her. She has known him for 7+ years I have barely known her for like 10 months.

[catfeeder]

You're inventing your own problem. Credit this woman with the adult capacity to figure out her own position.

If you don't, then how can you trust her not to pull the same disloyalty on you?

So even if you 'win', you lose.

I'd pull back and read my Sig. Either she will offer you an appropriate opening to deal with her directly, and not through the gossip of others, or she won't.

That's all you need to know.

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, rayman1427 said:

She has low self esteem and is very insecure and I feel that is why she is seeing this guy

Stop projecting.

You are going to learn the hard way that this woman is bad news.

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, rayman1427 said:

. But she has shown me signs that she may be interested in me. 

You're a male-girlfriend. A coworker.

Because you have a crush on her, you're viewing everyday workplace interactions as "signs".

Why don't you have a GF outside of work? That way it wouldn't be so confusing.

[Rose Mosse]

On 9/4/2022 at 6:15 PM, rayman1427 said:

agree. But she has shown me signs that she may be interested in me. She always smiles when she sees me, specially when I have been gone from work a while. She keeps constant eye contact when I talk to her. She laughs, jokes around when I talk to her. She has told me some personal secrets that even the guy she is seeing doesn't know about her. She gives me snacks, desserts she brings when she sees me in the breakroom. I am not saying the likes me but I think there is a possibility.

She has told other co-workers that she is confused about the relationship she is in now. She doesn't know how to get out of it because she feels that if she ends the relationship she will hurt the guy like how she was hurt even though they are not truly boyfriend/girlfriend yet. She has low self esteem and is very insecure and I feel that is why she is seeing this guy because this guy has been there for her. She has known him for 7+ years I have barely known her for like 10 months.

It sounds like a crush. Stay professional and date outside of work. This woman is a mess.