Post costal dysphoria

[poorlittlefish]

11 hours ago, Kansasbbq10 said:

Like it’s my fault if a married person chooses to be with me?

It's not that you were forced into this situation and have no choice or free will about it.  If this guy was good for you (despite being married), then you wouldn't be posting online about all the things that are making you unhappy.

If you were with a decent, genuine guy, you'd be getting treated a lot better.  This *** is feeding you crumbs and at some point I hope you start realising you are worth more than that.

[Kwothe28]

11 hours ago, Kansasbbq10 said:

If she wishes to ignore the writing on the wall instead of divorcing him so both people are free to move on then that isn’t my fault.

Why doesnt he divorces her? Marriage is not set in stone today, if one party is unhappy they can leave. You said it yourself. But oh, him leaving would mean having her taking her cut, maybe even him paying alimony to her if they have kids. But like this? He has a wife at home that takes care of it and mabe even takes care of his kids. And "nut&go" lover that he does other stuff. So he is covered without that pesky divorce. That would take probably take his assets and even make his obligations toward kids(if they have them) more intense because then he would actually have to take care of them once in a while instead of having a wife do it for both. So he gets the best from both of worlds like this.

And yes, it is your fault. For accepting that kind of poor man into your life. That only uses you. 

Also

11 hours ago, Kansasbbq10 said:

I was in this situation , realized that never dating another man the rest of my life sounded horrible and I knew I wasn’t going to cheat, so I just divorced him 

Why do you have one standard for yourself and other for him? Why is it OK for him to cheat then?

[Batya33]

I agree with the above but he is not using her because she is allowing it.  And appears to benefit greatly from the attention he gives her, the challenge, the smug disdain for his marriage/wife-maybe makes her feel superior somehow? I mean I'm guessing because I don't get it but she sure does seem to benefit.  And so, to me anyway, he is not using her.  Maybe they are both using each other for sex but that's different.

[boltnrun]

It's not "using" when the person enthusiastically participates and feels she is entitled.

I don't agree that everyone automatically "deserves" a decent partner. Behaving in an immoral manner doesn't qualify as deserving of a good, faithful man IMO. We reap what we sow and I know this from personal experience.

Be the type of person you want to attract.

[Kwothe28]

6 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I agree with the above but he is not using her because she is allowing it.  And appears to benefit greatly from the attention he gives her, the challenge, the smug disdain for his marriage/wife-maybe makes her feel superior somehow?

Yeah, but lots of them get seduced by nice wordings. For example how he would instantly be with her if only wasnt for a pesky wife not seeing how the marriage is over and giving him a divorce. While in a reality wife maybe doesnt even know as he puts on a facade with her too. OP no doubt gets the benefits too as he takes her out and they have sex, but she is in deep denial as he somehow convinced her how he would indeed be with her. 

[boltnrun]

2 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

she is in deep denial as he somehow convinced her how he would indeed be with her. 

She said herself he tells her he doesn't want a relationship with her and doesn't want the "labels" of boyfriend/girlfriend.  He verbally abuses her, stalks her and calls her terrible names.  None of that sounds like "nice wordings" to me, but then again OP says his behavior turns her on.

There are all kinds out there!

[Kwothe28]

19 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

He verbally abuses her, stalks her and calls her terrible names.  None of that sounds like "nice wordings" to me, but then again OP says his behavior turns her on.

Ah, that kind of relationship.

I have a cousin that is like that. Her first husband abused her, we as her side of the family protected her. He begged her to come back so she did. With usual "But I love him!". Luckily they divorced but her second husband is no better. So, eh, there are indeed all kinds out there. 

[Wiseman2]

On 8/27/2022 at 3:38 PM, Kansasbbq10 said:

I wanted him to come over and have sex. He says no he wants to take me out to the boardwalk and dinner instead. 

Sadly it seems on one level you wish for a decent relationship and on another you crave these garbage-material men. 

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Yeah, but lots of them get seduced by nice wordings. For example how he would instantly be with her if only wasnt for a pesky wife not seeing how the marriage is over and giving him a divorce. While in a reality wife maybe doesnt even know as he puts on a facade with her too. OP no doubt gets the benefits too as he takes her out and they have sex, but she is in deep denial as he somehow convinced her how he would indeed be with her. 

I agree with Boltnrun on this one but of course I get it -I hear ya!

[boltnrun]

2 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Ah, that kind of relationship.

I have a cousin that is like that. Her first husband abused her, we as her side of the family protected her. He begged her to come back so she did. With usual "But I love him!". Luckily they divorced but her second husband is no better. So, eh, there are indeed all kinds out there. 

There are.

My ex craved a "drama relationship", which is why he broke up with me (I don't bring the drama).

Also, some people equate abusive behaviors such as stalking or name-calling as signs the person "cares".  And then there are those who insist "if there's fighting there's PASSION!!" 

I don't subscribe to any of that, but some people do.

[Kansasbbq10]

On 8/28/2022 at 1:13 PM, Kwothe28 said:

Yeah, but lots of them get seduced by nice wordings. For example how he would instantly be with her if only wasnt for a pesky wife not seeing how the marriage is over and giving him a divorce. While in a reality wife maybe doesnt even know as he puts on a facade with her too. OP no doubt gets the benefits too as he takes her out and they have sex, but she is in deep denial as he somehow convinced her how he would indeed be with her. 

His wife knows. At one point when I was not thrilled by him, I contacted her and she was like “oh whatever, he’s using you too. No need to contact me about this K thanks bye”

[Kansasbbq10]

On 8/28/2022 at 4:00 PM, boltnrun said:

She said herself he tells her he doesn't want a relationship with her and doesn't want the "labels" of boyfriend/girlfriend.  He verbally abuses her, stalks her and calls her terrible names.  None of that sounds like "nice wordings" to me, but then again OP says his behavior turns her on.

There are all kinds out there!

Lol yes I suppose there are. I can’t help it! I feel so much for him and truly I know when his behavior is out of passion/jealousy and I feel cared for at that time. Then at “real” times I need him such as when I had a worrisome diagnosis recently he’s actually there.

[MissCanuck]

This guy treats you like garbage. 

And your definition of "care" sounds highly dysfunctional, if I may be blunt. But if you insist, have at it. Just understand that you're volunteering for this. 

[Capricorn3]

1 hour ago, Kansasbbq10 said:

I can’t help it! I feel so much for him and truly I know when his behavior is out of passion/jealousy and I feel cared for at that time.

You CAN help it. You choose not to. Big difference.

If being abused makes you feel cared for, then you seriously need professional help. Please look into therapy to help you figure out where your extreme low self-esteem comes from.  The sooner the better.

[Kansasbbq10]

26 minutes ago, Capricorn3 said:

You CAN help it. You choose not to. Big difference.

If being abused makes you feel cared for, then you seriously need professional help. Please look into therapy to help you figure out where your extreme low self-esteem comes from.  The sooner the better.

I’ve tried but all have said there’s just nothing wrong with me and if I choose and enjoy a “relationship” like this then so be it. In theory I’d much prefer something “healthier,” but the happiness and excitement I get from being around him or even just a simple conversation  after years, is unparalleled.  He just asked to hang out with my daughter and me tonight and it was so lovely.

[MissCanuck]

Oh boy...you're letting your kid be exposed to this? 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Kansasbbq10 said:

 when I was not thrilled by him, I contacted her and she was like “oh whatever, he’s using you too. No need to contact me about this K thanks bye”

So, she's fine unloading her trash on you?

I would do some postcoital STD testing because it seems his wife knows what a stray cat he is.

Keep him away from your child.

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, Kansasbbq10 said:

I’ve tried but all have said there’s just nothing wrong with me and if I choose and enjoy a “relationship” like this then so be it. In theory I’d much prefer something “healthier,” but the happiness and excitement I get from being around him or even just a simple conversation  after years, is unparalleled.  He just asked to hang out with my daughter and me tonight and it was so lovely.

I guess you want your daughter to see this as an example of a healthful relationship?? Not "in theory" -in practice that is the reality of what you are doing to her.

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, Kansasbbq10 said:

I’ve tried but all have said there’s just nothing wrong with me and if I choose and enjoy a “relationship” like this then so be it. In theory I’d much prefer something “healthier,” but the happiness and excitement I get from being around him or even just a simple conversation  after years, is unparalleled.  He just asked to hang out with my daughter and me tonight and it was so lovely.

Well there is because you're potentially hurting your daughter a great deal.  And if you get sick from being exposed to all the other women he's having intercourse with who's going to take care of your daughter? 

[Kansasbbq10]

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Well there is because you're potentially hurting your daughter a great deal.  And if you get sick from being exposed to all the other women he's having intercourse with who's going to take care of your daughter? 

He says he’s never slept w anyone but his wife and 1 other gf. And it’s not like we have our toxic arguments or he stalks me in front of my daughter. I think It must come from a good place that he asks to spend time w her.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Kansasbbq10 said:

He says he’s never slept w anyone but his wife and 1 other gf. And it’s not like we have our toxic arguments or he stalks me in front of my daughter. I think It must come from a good place that he asks to spend time w her.

Why do you want your daughter around a man who is cheating on his wife and having sex with you - he is not your boyfriend of course and married men cannot date.  Do you want your daughter to know it's ok to have sex with someone else's spouse especially when he's treated you so poorly? Yes she will know/figure it out.  

You really believe someone who is cheating as to who else he is having intercourse with?

[MissCanuck]

4 hours ago, Kansasbbq10 said:

it’s not like we have our toxic arguments or he stalks me in front of my daughter. I think It must come from a good place that he asks to spend time w her.

You have got to be taking the proverbial pee-pee with this. 

 

[Kansasbbq10]

11 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

You have got to be taking the proverbial pee-pee with this. 

 

What does that mean?

[catfeeder]

51 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

You have got to be taking the proverbial pee-pee with this. 

 

Yep, I smell something funny.

[Kwothe28]

53 minutes ago, Kansasbbq10 said:

What does that mean?

Meaning that its so nonsensical that they think you are trolling. People in abusive relationship tend sometimes to develop "Stockholm Syndrome". Where they get attached to abuser so much that they cant leave. So I will give you that. But there is no way a person who thinks racionally would be able to say something like you did. And to subject her daughter to her abuser and stalker and thinks that would be a good idea.