Post costal dysphoria

[Kansasbbq10]

Has anyone had experiences with this? Have a sex partner who is generally avoidant (doesn’t cuddle and likes to leave after sex, after chatting a bit), who now told me he’s had postcoital dysphoria after sex all his life and that’s why he doesn’t do it often despite wanting to talk about it a LOT with me. Says sex is emotionally and psychologically draining for him. he’s the one always sexting but in person it is quite infrequent 

[Wiseman2]

17 minutes ago, Kansasbbq10 said:

Have a sex partner who is generally avoidant doesn’t cuddle and likes to leave after sex,. now told me he’s had postcoital dysphoria after sex all his life 

Are you ok with this? That's all that matters. If he hits and runs and that makes you feel like you cant bond or have intimacy, it doesn't matter what he thinks he has or calls it. Do not try to fix or change him or "talk to him" about it. It seems like he just wants hookups.

Is this the same man?:

 

[Kwothe28]

5 minutes ago, Kansasbbq10 said:

Have a sex partner who is generally avoidant (doesn’t cuddle and likes to leave after sex, after chatting a bit), who now told me he’s had postcoital dysphoria after sex all his life and that’s why he doesn’t do it often despite wanting to talk about it a LOT with me.

That is a mighty mental gymnastics for "I just like to ejaculate and evaporate". 

If he is a "sex partner"(and not some relationship) I would assume that its mostly about that, then about some mental desease. If he trully has problems he should seek help and treatment, not going around sleeping with people.

[Wiseman2]

28 minutes ago, Kansasbbq10 said:

Have a sex partner who likes to leave after sex

[MissCanuck]

43 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

That is a mighty mental gymnastics for "I just like to ejaculate and evaporate". 

Yep. The ol' shoot & scoot, dressed up with psychobabble. 

 

[boltnrun]

I had an "arrangement" with a guy friend. He would literally be heading out the door before I'd even started getting dressed.

But I wasn't trying to have a relationship with him so I just thought it was funny.

Are you trying to make this hit & run situation into a relationship? Because this guy doesn't act like he wants anything except to use your body to get himself off.  Despite what fake psychological terms he invents to excuse his actions.

[Jaunty]

I believe that people who fall into the category of "sex partner" behave exactly this way probably more often than not.  Pretty normal.  

[boltnrun]

BTW, is this the married guy who abuses you or the cancer patient?

If it's the married guy he probably needs to get out before his wife catches him.

[Kansasbbq10]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

 

Are you trying to make this hit & run situation into a relationship? Because this guy doesn't act like he wants anything except to use your body to get himself off.  Despite what fake psychological terms he invents to excuse his actions.

It really isn’t like this. we hardly ever have sex and he explained the dysphoria, and wanting to feel like he has control/discipline over his actions. Last night he just took me out. Tonight I’d wanted him to come over for sex but instead he plans this night of walking the boardwalk at sunset and getting a fancy dinner.

[Batya33]

He's not necessarily avoidant at all. He's doing what brings him pleasure.  As far as his fancy term to explain his decisions whether to have intercourse with you or not, I mean - sure could be or could be him just with an excuse.  I'm confused as to why you agreed to the dinner and walk if you want sex from him? He can plan all he wants-you don't have to agree-why not tell him just to let you know when he feels like coming over to have sex with you?

Also unless you have lots of free time to burn/waste why not assert boundaries -stop all the sexting and psychobabble he throws at you and limit your interactions to intercourse.

[Kansasbbq10]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

He's not necessarily avoidant at all. He's doing what brings him pleasure.  As far as his fancy term to explain his decisions whether to have intercourse with you or not, I mean - sure could be or could be him just with an excuse.  I'm confused as to why you agreed to the dinner and walk if you want sex from him? He can plan all he wants-you don't have to agree-why not tell him just to let you know when he feels like coming over to have sex with you?

Also unless you have lots of free time to burn/waste why not assert boundaries -stop all the sexting and psychobabble he throws at you and limit your interactions to intercourse.

The complication is that I want the sort of dating/romantic interactions he proposes, too, but certainly I want sex and get tired of the inconsistency in him wanting it. And he also doesn’t want to have titles like boyfriend and girlfriend so it really frustrates me and blows my mind why he’s asking me to do these date style things on weekend evenings and we don’t even get sex out of it!

[Jaunty]

I need clarification please:  This is the verbally abusive guy?  The one you refer to here as "toxic married guy"?  Or is it the cancer patient who you describe as a "jerk"?  

Ultimately it probably doesn't matter, except that you should probably be aware that I'm probably not alone in feeling like "helping" you with either of these ridiculously unhealthy situations is a waste of time and actually kind of enabling.  

Either way, this behavior is known as "hit and run" and it is not a psychological condition.  It's especially common among guys who are jerks or treat women in their lives badly as a general rule.  

[Kansasbbq10]

It’s toxic married guy. I guess I don’t follow why it is hit and run when he is telling me h wants to do cheesy date like things and not have sex. I’m just frustrated 

[itsallgrand]

This guy is an ass. 

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, Kansasbbq10 said:

It’s toxic married guy. I guess I don’t follow why it is hit and run 

Does he ever sleep over? It seems clear why he has to leave after sex. That he is occasionally doing "dates" is to keep it coming.

[Kansasbbq10]

31 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Does he ever sleep over? It seems clear why he has to leave after sex. That he is occasionally doing "dates" is to keep it coming.

I don’t think it’s that simple. Tonight literally I wanted him to come over and have sex. He says no he wants to take me out to the boardwalk and dinner instead. Legitimately I just wanted sex tonight 

[Andrina]

32 minutes ago, Kansasbbq10 said:

It’s toxic married guy. I guess I don’t follow why it is hit and run when he is telling me h wants to do cheesy date like things and not have sex. I’m just frustrated 

Yes, in this situation, it should be like sliding down rainbows and frolicking with unicorns. Could it be that karma really is a ***?

[Blue_Skirt]

39 minutes ago, Kansasbbq10 said:

It’s toxic married guy

What about the words toxic AND married do you not understand?

[boltnrun]

He jumps up and leaves because he has no feelings for you other than as a possession and a plaything.  Not because of some weird condition he made up to keep you from complaining AND to keep you from seeing anyone else.  

Boardwalk and dinner?  Maybe he thinks if he pretends to date you, you won't date anyone else.  That way your body will be for his exclusive use whenever he wants to knock one off and then run out the door.

Does he have children?

Would you want your future husband to be cheating on you and your children?

This guy is not only a married lying cheater, but he abuses you.  However, you said his abuse turns you on, so...

I guess I'll never understand why some people are perfectly fine with being an accomplice to destroying a family.

What a mess.

ETA-I'm puzzled why you think anyone on this forum would be supportive of this toxic affair.  Many people who frequent this forum have been cheated on.  

[Kansasbbq10]

52 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

He jumps up and leaves because he has no feelings for you other than as a possession and a plaything.  Not because of some weird condition he made up to keep you from complaining AND to keep you from seeing anyone else.  

Boardwalk and dinner?  Maybe he thinks if he pretends to date you, you won't date anyone else.  That way your body will be for his exclusive use whenever he wants to knock one off and then run out the door.

Does he have children?

Would you want your future husband to be cheating on you and your children?

This guy is not only a married lying cheater, but he abuses you.  However, you said his abuse turns you on, so...

I guess I'll never understand why some people are perfectly fine with being an accomplice to destroying a family.

What a mess.

ETA-I'm puzzled why you think anyone on this forum would be supportive of this toxic affair.  Many people who frequent this forum have been cheated on.  

Like it’s my fault if a married person chooses to be with me? If a man’s relationship with his wife is so poor that he wants to be close to me, talking day in and out, and taking me on dates with or without sex then it’s very obvious their marriage has long died. If she wishes to ignore the writing on the wall instead of divorcing him so both people are free to move on then that isn’t my fault.

I was in this situation , realized that never dating another man the rest of my life sounded horrible and I knew I wasn’t going to cheat, so I just divorced him 

[jul-els]

He’s not a good guy, but you seem to like him. Take him as he is or leave him alone. If it were me, I’d choose the latter, he sounds horrible, but it’s your choice. 

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, Kansasbbq10 said:

The complication is that I want the sort of dating/romantic interactions he proposes, too, but certainly I want sex and get tired of the inconsistency in him wanting it. And he also doesn’t want to have titles like boyfriend and girlfriend so it really frustrates me and blows my mind why he’s asking me to do these date style things on weekend evenings and we don’t even get sex out of it!

Married people cannot date or be your boyfriend so whatever he's asking you to do is simply to play at dating or pretend to be a couple -so silly.  I thought you were talking about a sex partner who is single. He's of course the one who is cheating - but you are not behaving in an ethical way at all.  And -consider the karma angle and whether his wife might get really really angry and take it out on you -or have someone else do so on her behalf.

[Jaunty]

4 hours ago, Kansasbbq10 said:

 I guess I don’t follow why it is hit and run when he is telling me h wants to do cheesy date like things and not have sex. I’m just frustrated 

It's hit and run because that describes exactly what he is doing.

You are good at picking and choosing what words to quote that this guy says to you, depending upon what kind of feedback you are seeking. 

You've already made it clear on this board that "married man has said 500x he wants no relationship with (you) and has never said he loves (you) back."  He also calls you hideous names all the time and treats you like garbage.  You've said that you enjoy this.  That is not healthy, but whatever floats your boat. 

My only point here is that "hit and run" is what married guys who do not love you, do not want a relationship with you, do not respect you, who do treat you like something that was stuck on their shoe after a walk in the dark, do.  It's completely in character. That's what this guy has to offer you.   Part of the relationship you, for some reason, enjoy.  

Wanting to walk on the boardwalk means nothing under these dismal circumstances.  

[catfeeder]

14 hours ago, Kansasbbq10 said:

Has anyone had experiences with this? Have a sex partner who is generally avoidant (doesn’t cuddle and likes to leave after sex,

No experience, but it does sound as though you've bought a load of bunk.

While there's no way that I'd put up with such a person, if you're willing to settle for that, I'm really sorry, but iI doubt it's going to get any better.

I hope you'll consider raising your bar and holding out for someone who treats you like you matter. You DO matter, and you deserve someone who recognizes your unique value.

[MissCanuck]

9 hours ago, Kansasbbq10 said:

Like it’s my fault if a married person chooses to be with me?

It's your fault that you choose to participate in this, yes. 

This is what you get when you choose toxic situations with men who don't care about you and treat you poorly.