I have no idea if I should pursue a female coworker I've been seeing

[colored_dreams]

I used to be in a leadership position. I loved working with my colleagues and always held a professional distance with female coworkers.

I left my previous position for another one higher up, where I don't have any personnel. At a work party where the whole company attended one of my former female coworkers, which I always got along with great, came up to me. Long story short, we hooked up then and there. After which I texted her I wanted to see her again, to which she responded: ok.

This seemed like a pretty strange and short reply to send to someone you hooked up with and as easy as that, she got into my head. I also decided that I wouldn't reach out too much. She's been known to get a lot of male attention and even though I like her, I don't want to chase her too much. Fast forward, after the weekend she texted me, came over and we had sex again, which was to both me and (educated guess) her after which we hung out for a bit before she left.

We had no contact after that for the rest of the week. At work she was being unusually distant, which I interpret as a way to not let out that we've been seeing each other. Gossip is pretty bad at our company, so I understand that.

Next week she went out of her way to work out with me, before inviting me to go to a party with her and some colleagues. I declined because of priorities. The next day however, we did go to a party (it was a week long festival) after which we hooked up again, this time even better than the last. No contact again after that.

Two days later, I saw her at the gym. She just said "hi" and continued to do her thing. Afterwards she texted me to join her and other guys to the same festival again, where we had a really great time and of course, hooked up again. She slept over that night and completely ignored me the next day again.

I opened up quite a bit to her during our nights together and showed quite some emotion, which is out of character for me but felt really genuine so I just went with it. She however, never really reciprocated, besides saying she would miss me too (I was leaving for 5 weeks).

She lives a 2 hour drive from my home, which is quite a large distance in my country. My nephew lives 10minutes from her, and I was planning to visit him. I texted her that I would be around, to which she reacted enthusiastically, but we just missed each other because of circumstances. A few weeks later I visited my nephew again and had some spare time. I called her (I notified her I would be there in advance), we met up and we had a great time at a cafe. She asked me to come over to her place, which I did. She obviously wanted to have sex again, but I wanted to see how we would be together without it, so I held my distance.

She texted me after I left, we had a short conversation which she ended pretty quickly. Tomorrow she's going to be near my place to attend to a friends military ceremony and I'll see her next week at work (which will be the last week I'm going to work at that place). She said she wanted to up next week as well, but I'm doubting. My feelings will only grow and I don't even know if she has any for me.

When I reach out to her, she reacts enthusiastically or at least compliant, she wants to see me and she wants to have sex with me. What I don't know, is if she does this with other guys, but that's not my business at this point. She shows little to no emotion besides being happy to see me and wanting to cuddle with me afterwards. Texting is at minimum even though we have a good connection when we're together.

After typing this, it seems like she likes me, but not enough to pursue me or as relationship material. I like her really badly though, but I've been keeping that to myself, seeing as my earlier advances got pretty much ignored/deflected. I've been thinking that if she doesn't contact me tomorrow, when she's in the vicinity of my hometown, I get at least part of an answer.

The way ahead though, I'm not sure about that. I'm thinking of telling her I like her and want to see her more often, but I don't want to pressure her or pursue her if she's not into me, which I kind of get the feeling she isn't. That has never ended well for me. I've had only one 10 year long relationship where both parties were open about liking each other from the get go which just ended and I'm just not used to this hot/cold game and withholding or absence of feelings.

Tldr; I hooked up with a girl from work, who very briefly replies to texts, rarely initiates contact, shows no emotion but wanted to hook up multiple times. We met up once where we didn't have sex (intentionally from my side). Thinking of telling her I like her and want to see her more often, but afraid she doesn't feel the same and if she does, she doesn't really show it. I also don't know if she's seeing other guys and she lives far away from my place, so I'm doubting if there even is a future worth pursuing.

[MissCanuck]

Why don't you ask her on an actual date?

So far, it's mostly been sex after group events or when you're in each other's area for some other reason. It doesn't sound like you have spent time together when there's no other reason to be in each other's company (ie. at a work event, a festival, visiting relatives) but to enjoy time alone together. 

If she takes a hard pass, you will know to let this go. 

[Wiseman2]

Is all this tiptoeing around to avoid a relationship or to avoid being an "item" and fodder for office gossip? If you're concerned about a sexual harassment situation developing it's too late for that.

Are either of you in other relationships? What exactly, besides distance, is the reason you're keeping this a down low office romance and not really dating or respecting each other?

You can date outside of work. This seems like a convenience because work is easier distance wise.

 

[Kwothe28]

From what its worth I dont think it matters that you didnt started properly. And that if she wanted to date and not just hookup, you would see different kind of behavior from her. She is enthusiastic because she likes sex with you, not because of the prospect of some relationship. So, even if you made some effort, dont think it would matter there.

But you also didnt made some strides in being serious with her. You were fine with just hooking up and made no effort toward actually dating her. So its both of your "fault". If you are serious about dating then be serious. If she doesnt want it then search for somebody who will want something more then hooking up.

[jul-els]

From what you described, it sounds like she enjoys being with you but isn’t looking for anything serious. You however, are entertaining the thought. The only way to know how she feels about it is to ask her. Or just be happy with the status quo. Those are really your only two options. Based on how you say you’re feeling, I’d advise that communication is the best option. Then you can decide if or what you want from there. 

[Andrina]

9 hours ago, colored_dreams said:

I like her and want to see her more often, but I don't want to pressure her or pursue her if she's not into me,

From what you've written, she seems the opposite of someone who would ever be pressured into anything.

She seems very one-dimensional to me, so I don't know what you find appealing. Your self-worth seems a little low, so subconsciously, maybe you think this is all you deserve in life.

You're guessing what she's about which is not a bad way to interpret things, but to get the words straight from the horse's mouth, when you're in person again outside of work, why not ask, "So what are your dating goals right now? Are you just into casual multi-dating, or are you looking to find someone for longterm?"

It's totally fine, and even wise, to see if your dating goals match those of the person you are dating, and if they don't, you can make a clean exit without wasting more time.

I know I stopped dating several men when I was in the dating world when I was not happy about our differences in dating styles.

If you fear everything everything will fall apart when you voice what you want, it means the foundation is too weak to sustain anything meaningful, anyway. 

[SooSad33]

Yeah, you two seem 'too different', so not compatible.

Where you feel she goes cold, not very social other than when she wants to hook up, you don't hear from her enough. - But, you are wanting more than this.

Plus she is at a distance?  So this is an issue as well?

I suggest you just stop it all.  Don't arrange to 'meet up' anymore so you can work on distancing and ending this fwb situation.

In other words, No.  Don't pursue this gal.

Is good that you've picked up her uncertainty in time.  But don't continue this, where you do feel your emotions will over ride. 😕 

[lostandhurt]

I don't think you are a mind reader so it is time to just ask her straight out what she is looking for so you know.

 It doesn't have to be the end of this tryst but you do need to know so you can adjust your expectations.  If she is just interested in a FWB thing and you are not able to handle that then I would say end this before you get hurt.

Once you know her intentions and can shut down the feelings or hopes of having a proper relationship with her then perhaps you could go on with the fun with no strings.

Until you talk to her you will never know.

Lost

[catfeeder]

The end of your work with this company is your perfect ticket to raise the questions you'd like answered. And, it's your ticket out of the awkwardness of needing to cross paths again if you don't get the answers you want.

Are the circumstances of your leaving something to celebrate? If so, this will add to your confidence as you discuss your future plans.

This opens the door to ask her what she envisions for her future and whether a long term relationship is what she wants for herself.

[colored_dreams]

Thank you all for your answers! I'll talk to her next time I can..I want to get get to know her after all, so it's her ideas and answers I want. If that will turn out not what I want them to be, that's life after all. Thank you again for your words and wisdom!!

[Colored-dreams]

Quick update! We saw eachother again and ended up together (of course). I told her how i felt and she said felt the same about me. It was an awesome time really. 
 

A week later she very unexpextedly drunk texted me that she missed me and wanted to see me soon. We were supposed to meet up yesterday but she told me she was sick. The day before our date I texted about the place we’d meet, to which she replied the morning of our date. She said she had a really bad flu and hoped she would be fit again the day of our date. I was wondering if i should reply at all, but i just ended up telling her to get well.

This seems like flaking, so I will cut contact from now on. The ball is in her court, and I dont think we’re on the same frequency so to speak. If she does reach out, i’ll approach very carefully. Thanks again for the advice, I think this is the best way ahead. 
 

colored dreams