Chapter 3

[itsallgrand]

I totally get needing some time alone to just be. No matter how much I love someone, I need my time alone regularly to recharge. I had told my SO this when we first got together, he was like yeah for sure. But it took him a while to really get it lol. I actually really love people, love chatting away and enjoy that. But it still drains me. 

It's part of why I like my daily main exercise to be just me. Group activities are fun, but it hits differently, right?! Alone you can get in a zone where your brain can let go. 

[dias]

27 minutes ago, itsallgrand said:

 But it took him a while to really get it lol.

Hahahaha I am sure he didn't get it at first if he isn't an introvert 🙂

28 minutes ago, itsallgrand said:

It's part of why I like my daily main exercise to be just me. 

Absolutely!

[Batya33]

8 hours ago, itsallgrand said:

I totally get needing some time alone to just be. No matter how much I love someone, I need my time alone regularly to recharge. I had told my SO this when we first got together, he was like yeah for sure. But it took him a while to really get it lol. I actually really love people, love chatting away and enjoy that. But it still drains me. 

It's part of why I like my daily main exercise to be just me. Group activities are fun, but it hits differently, right?! Alone you can get in a zone where your brain can let go. 

Yes for sure -over the years a few neighbors and some acquaintances seeing my daily routine or knowing of it have asked to join me.  I say no -it feels awkward but I do - for the reasons you said and also since I've carefully carved out this me  time, this time to get my exercise done, to be in my zone for sure - I'm not going to wait for someone to show up or have someone not keep up with me.  By contrast I love planning walks in the park with friends and I love when our son has gone away and my husband and I do a looooong walk on a local trail and get ice cream or maybe go to a Trader Joes -I know soooo exciting lol - but I love walking and talking with him.  But not when it's my exercise time.  It's weird to me that it feels weird to say no to people but I make myself do so to reinforce that it's more than ok to want this time.

[dias]

I don't like saying this but I find my parents the most energy-draining people. I can't stand them more than a couple of days. They are fussy people, they argue 24/7, they are not fun most of the time, they put me in the middle since I was a little kid. I don't like having them around for long, they exhaust me. 

I think the only person I could live with 24/7 is my brother and maybe a girl if we were very compatible. The latter I am not sure about as I have never done it for long. This was the only girl in my life I have spent 2-3 days in a row together 24/7. It was draining but it was also fun and peaceful. I asked my childhood friend if he has spent so much time with a girl and he said no, he would find it very difficult. Interesting though because he has slept with half of the female population of Athens and he only had one sleepover and he hated it. He likes his own bed too much hahaha. Both 32 years old and never had a proper relationship, not sure if it's to laugh or to cry haha. I do believe it takes maturity to live with someone else. I am not sure I have it. This girl told me I have everything a woman wants but I am emotionally very immature. Can't argue with that. 

 

[Batya33]

6 hours ago, dias said:

I don't like saying this but I find my parents the most energy-draining people. I can't stand them more than a couple of days. They are fussy people, they argue 24/7, they are not fun most of the time, they put me in the middle since I was a little kid. I don't like having them around for long, they exhaust me. 

I think the only person I could live with 24/7 is my brother and maybe a girl if we were very compatible. The latter I am not sure about as I have never done it for long. This was the only girl in my life I have spent 2-3 days in a row together 24/7. It was draining but it was also fun and peaceful. I asked my childhood friend if he has spent so much time with a girl and he said no, he would find it very difficult. Interesting though because he has slept with half of the female population of Athens and he only had one sleepover and he hated it. He likes his own bed too much hahaha. Both 32 years old and never had a proper relationship, not sure if it's to laugh or to cry haha. I do believe it takes maturity to live with someone else. I am not sure I have it. This girl told me I have everything a woman wants but I am emotionally very immature. Can't argue with that. 

 

I'm sorry you're in this situation -it does sound draining! I think compatibility depends on why the people are living together.  So if the couple is strongly committed and in love what might be issues are not or are minimized.  The goal is to work them out, compromise, accommodate because the couple is together for a larger purpose. 

If the purpose is more convenience or financial then if  there are "issues" it's easier to just move on/throw in the towel/focus on the "draining" aspect.  That's why I never saw a reason to live together as a test of the relationship so I didn't.  And in my case it would have caused unrealistic expectations.  We spent most nights together but maintained our own places till marriage. 

A few months after marriage it was us and a newborn in my 550 square foot apartment -and all of our son's stuff.  Living with someone who has just given birth to a human and had major surgery, taking care of a newborn who sleeps a couple hours at a time if you are lucky, navigating house guests and a doula for awhile and a husband who has to travel two weeks after the birth -that's a lot of issues and who would know in advance if the couple is "compatible" as first time parents and newlyweds? But it never occurred to me to be overly concerned about compatiblity -we had a common goal -goals actually and we made it work. 

By contrast I dated a guy who I invited over after four dates -not to stay over -just to see my place, hang out and the first thing he did was help himself to a bowl of cereal from the cereal boxes lined up on top of my refrigerator.  Without asking.  Obviously I'd have said yes and likely showed him where the stuff was but - who does that? Not a dealbreaker -to me-  but again one of those things that showed me incompatiblity in the beginning whereas if you have love and commitment, you might laugh it off or talk about expectations about groceries/food/menu planning (or not) etc.  (Cereal Guy ended up having lots of issues and did show dealbreaker stuff  two months in).

[dias]

Nothing interesting in the dating apps. On the dance school, I chatted with a young hot gal, nothing there. Always the same story, they look at me, I start a conversation which leads to nothing. Ok I expected it to be honest, I have come to understand which type of glance is the one that means a woman is really interested and not just want you to go approach her to satisfy her need for attention. I chatted with another one, I thought she might be interested, nope, she is taken. Same old same old. 

In my experience, which I know it's not the same for everyone, if a woman gives you furtive glances it means nothing. She might be interested in a conversation if you approach her, she might give you her phone number but that's it. It does not go beyond that because she was never really interested in the first place, she just wanted attention. The ones there is a possibility there is real interest are the ones who look at you straight in the eye for seconds or smile at you. Those are the true indicators which happen very rarely at least for me. I asked my childhood friend who is better at approaching women and he has concluded the same thing. I guess it's not only me. 

This is why dating apps are useful. You know the gals there are (possibly) single and looking, you don't have to approach random women who are not really interested or they are taken and whatnot. They save a lot of time. 

 

[DarkCh0c0]

On 7/19/2024 at 7:32 AM, dias said:

The ones there is a possibility there is real interest are the ones who look at you straight in the eye for seconds or smile at you. Those are the true indicators which happen very rarely at least for me

Yep.

On 7/19/2024 at 7:32 AM, dias said:

This is why dating apps are useful. You know the gals there are (possibly) single and looking, you don't have to approach random women who are not really interested or they are taken and whatnot. They save a lot of time

But it's the same. If anything, via online dating you're kinda stuck in dates that are even longer time wasters if there's nothing there. Whereas when you meet directly, you find out in 5-10 minutes and no harm is done. Sure, some are already in a relationship, but that's not always the case.

[mylolita]

On 7/19/2024 at 5:32 AM, dias said:

Nothing interesting in the dating apps. On the dance school, I chatted with a young hot gal, nothing there. Always the same story, they look at me, I start a conversation which leads to nothing. Ok I expected it to be honest, I have come to understand which type of glance is the one that means a woman is really interested and not just want you to go approach her to satisfy her need for attention. I chatted with another one, I thought she might be interested, nope, she is taken. Same old same old. 

In my experience, which I know it's not the same for everyone, if a woman gives you furtive glances it means nothing. She might be interested in a conversation if you approach her, she might give you her phone number but that's it. It does not go beyond that because she was never really interested in the first place, she just wanted attention. The ones there is a possibility there is real interest are the ones who look at you straight in the eye for seconds or smile at you. Those are the true indicators which happen very rarely at least for me. I asked my childhood friend who is better at approaching women and he has concluded the same thing. I guess it's not only me. 

This is why dating apps are useful. You know the gals there are (possibly) single and looking, you don't have to approach random women who are not really interested or they are taken and whatnot. They save a lot of time. 

 

Morning Dias! 
 

I have to second @DarkCh0c0 here!

 

With online, in my opinion, you are wasting far more time, if time is your game.

 

I know this sounds corny, but have you ever thought about going to regular speed dating, or singles meet ups? I realise it could sound desperate, but I actually think it sounds fun, non-serious and very social, and also everyone there should be single and looking for someone! Unlike in a bar or somewhere else, until you ask, the girl may be taken or married, or gay, or staying single, etc. 

 

If you’re in a city I imagine groups like this and clubs would be much easier to find? 
 

x

 

 

[DarkCh0c0]

Awesome! Looking great 😊 congrats!

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Awesome! Looking great 😊 congrats!

Same -this is great!!

[mylolita]

9 hours ago, dias said:

We had the performance this weekend. Two days straight. Saturday went so and so because we didn't have time to practice at the theater and the place was new. Sunday was much better. I invited my parents, bro and his wife, and this girl (yeah I know hahaha). 

The first time on stage is a bit tricky if you are not familiar being in the spotlight with 200 people watching. Especially if your choreography is so funny and childish. The second time is fun, you dance for you.  It was 2.5 hours of choreography consisted by 20+ choreographies with ages ranging from 5 to 45 lol. Thank God I wasn't the oldest. Hahahaha. Am I a kid or not hahaha. 

In the first one I had to play Donald from Disney and dance backstreet boys. Not my favorite choreography but hey. The second one I had to play the native american. The outfits were so funny. I mean I was laughing only looking at me in the mirror. 

OK, I don't think I am going to do it again. Well maybe, I don't know, it was fun actually. I like being a kid. It was a completely different experience. Maybe it is childish but I learned a lot. Plus I overcame my stage fright. This is useful at work too for presentations. Also, doing magic mike feels easy now, I am switching career hahaha

 

Don't quote the photos! In the first I am the only with the blue shirt and this silly hat playing Donald Duck, in the other one I am dressed like native american. 

 

 

FABULOUS DIAS!!!

 

Not so silly or childish at all! I am myself, although maybe appearing to live in a sophisticated lady cave, a foolish chiddler at heart 🤣 

 

My favourite cartoon character growing up was also Donald Duck, I absolutely adored his unfiltered rage and fury - LOLZ!!!! 
 

Awesome!
 

Dance away! (Said Bryan Ferry!)
 

x

[dias]

Thank you guys(gals)! It was really fun. It was so different from the things I had done before. Everyone really liked the show, especially my mother who loves dancing she was dancing on her seat lol. It was a pretty impressive show for a local dance school. Funny thing, turns out many people there (25+) are mostly introverts and homebodies which is strange given the nature of this whole thing (dancing, fun, working with others etc). They are more difficult to open up but once they get to know you they are pretty cool. I also like it because it's a family business and it attracts the same kind of people. There are no punks. 

I believe stage performances are very beneficial when it comes to being comfortable with exposure. Very valuable skill on every aspect of life. 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, dias said:

Thank you guys(gals)! It was really fun. It was so different from the things I had done before. Everyone really liked the show, especially my mother who loves dancing she was dancing on her seat lol. It was a pretty impressive show for a local dance school. Funny thing, turns out many people there (25+) are mostly introverts and homebodies which is strange given the nature of this whole thing (dancing, fun, working with others etc). They are more difficult to open up but once they get to know you they are pretty cool. I also like it because it's a family business and it attracts the same kind of people. There are no punks. 

I believe stage performances are very beneficial when it comes to being comfortable with exposure. Very valuable skill on every aspect of life. 

Could not agree more -thanks so much for sharing the photos and your experience - and you entertained so many that evening too!

[dias]

You know sometimes I am thinking if what we want is really what is good for us. For instance, I got the "perfect" job which I was chasing for years and on paper it has everything I want. Almost a year in and to be honest if my previous company paid me more than before (and even less than I make in my current job) I would still go back. Why? Probably because I miss the people in my previous company. The thing is, I can't identify why I would do this because my current job has everything I want and I am satisfied(?). I feel very lukewarm and meh about my current job without being able to pinpoint why or what is missing. Maybe all those years I was chasing the destination and now that I reached it I am like "meh nothing special". 

Maybe, even if it is feasible, moving to the US is not the right choice. I fear it could be the same and I will end up feeling "meh not worth it". Moving to another country (now that I know what it takes) is no small thing. Apparently, it would be easier to do this time since I have done it before but on average it takes 3-6 years to find the right location, make friends etc etc. Problem is we don't live forever. I don't want to put so much effort only to find out I am feeling meh after it. 

Same with this girl. We spent several days together last week and we had an awesome time. When I get past the fact that she is not a pretty girl nor has a hot body, I honestly feel she is the one. I have never experienced this kind of emotional intimacy with a woman. It baffles even me as I know I am very fussy and strange and I never expected someone to understand me so well. I really doubt I will find this again. I agree there are several matches out there for everyone, true, however, practically speaking where are they? Because this is the first time in my life I have found this sort of intimacy at 32. Yes probably I could find the same in a prettier girl but what would that mean? another 10-15 years of dating? Again we don't live forever. Or find a beautiful girl after years of chasing only to find out I feel meh about it. Dunno. When she came to the performance she met my family. My mother started to like her the second time because as a personality she is cool and pleasant. My brother only commented "she is not a pretty girl". And I am like yeah she isn't but we get along great. 

 

Communication and good company for me are essential. For example, my parents were/are good looking people and that was why they were attracted to each other but they can't stand each other and they argue 24/7. I don't want this.  Good company is what is left when you get past the initial physical attraction. If it's not there, looks alone means nothing. 

Anyway, I decided to go with the flow. We are officially together with this girl. I try not to overthink it about the weight thing, I just enjoy the beautiful moments and see where it goes. 

 

 

[dias]

Same with the location in the UK. When I was in Norwich, everything went great, I had the most beautiful memories from there. I felt peace and serenity. I had barbecues with the housemate, I lived in a beautiful country house, I went running along the lakes, I published photos in the newspapers from day one. I left because it was not by the sea and I love the sea. Everything went downhill after this. 

Bad bad choice, if I ever went back to the UK I would only lived in Norwich. It's the only place in the UK I would buy a house. Not Liverpool as much as I like it. But  I recognized this only in hindsight, I couldn't see it then. I mean I could but I had something else on my mind I wanted. 

That's why I am thinking all those things now. Turns out the decisions I made based on what I wanted were mostly wrong. I am not that clever after all. Maybe in life the right way is to stay where practically things are going well and not chase what you think it's what you want. 

[Jaunty]

It seems that you are very goal oriented, which is not a negative thing - but it can be if it means that you're missing a great deal of what the journey towards the goal has to offer to you.  

I hope you can get over your preoccupation with the looks of the woman you're with.   I am feeling happy for you for making the decision to be with her, but I can't help but have concern about what it would be like to be in a relationship with someone who really felt strongly that their partner found them unattractive.  It would hurt.  

I personally start to find a person I love to be attractive, without fail.  Whatever they look like starts to look very appealing to me even if they are not conventionally beautiful.  Maybe this will happen for you.  I hope so.

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, Jaunty said:

It seems that you are very goal oriented, which is not a negative thing - but it can be if it means that you're missing a great deal of what the journey towards the goal has to offer to you.  

I hope you can get over your preoccupation with the looks of the woman you're with.   I am feeling happy for you for making the decision to be with her, but I can't help but have concern about what it would be like to be in a relationship with someone who really felt strongly that their partner found them unattractive.  It would hurt.  

I personally start to find a person I love to be attractive, without fail.  Whatever they look like starts to look very appealing to me even if they are not conventionally beautiful.  Maybe this will happen for you.  I hope so.

I agree-I am goal oriented too and at 57 I've lived through a number of instances where attaining the goal isn't as awesome as expected-partly these are just phases -like something may spark you in your job next week (mine did this past week -it's incredibly nerdy why but -it did!)  and partly it's about expectations "when I get X I know I will feel Y."  Certain goals ended up exceeding my expectations, certain ones, not.  

Does your brother often make comments about people's looks when evaluating them as a person -their worth as a person -how awful what he said.   I hope she never gets even a whiff of your brother's comments on her looks.  

Yesterday I had my hair in a messy bun, was wearing my typical big tshirt and sweats, glasses and I'm sure my makeup I applied 12 hours earlier was gone -  and doing my usual clean up routine after dinner all over the apartment and my husband comments as I walk by likely carrying a rag and/or cleaner - "you look cute!" Partly I think because I called him out on him trying to trick me earlier into joining him in lugging our teenager out of bed at 3pm (sigh) but it was hours later so hmmmmm.  I don't need that affirmation from him but it's sweet because I don't look cute to me -but to him I do! 

It's interesting about goals - a man I was really into in 2003 who I was involved with for 5 months dumped me as he never fell in love -I was besotted.  He wanted to keep me around as "FWB" but I resisted as best I could and moved on a month later.  He met his future wife on a dating site.  She was MUCH prettier than me and much more model looks -meaning tall and slim (I was petite and slim).  And all the rest- smart- good family, accomplished in her career, etc. 

And yet -while they were engaged he sent me borderline inappropriate emails - which would have gone further but I refused to interact in that way.  I'm not even sure I was dating anyone seriously at the time but..... nope no thanks.

And again when he was married -emails suggesting his marriage was boring, etc.  Then one more call when he hears I married and had a baby -to congratulate me.  I with my husband's approval responded -left a voicemail thanking him.  So -hmm - he lands the better looking "girl" -she's a rockstar of "girls" and yet -he's calling me and contacting me when I'm clearly inferior in looks?

Maybe he thought he won - and realized -meh.  Yes I believe they are still married - 19 years now.  Also -interesting -he was a very successful corporate executive, very into hook ups and casual sex and short term flings -until we dated -he was 40 and he told me ok I'm ready to settle down now -enough of the player stuff.  And I guess he was -he did get married 2 years later -but ..... makes you wonder right? 

[mylolita]

Dias Dias Dias!
 

After everything is gained, lost, said or done - only substance remains. Everything else is very surface, and transient. 
 

If you want a life long partnership, you have to know that a hot body and beautiful face may likely not be here at 90. Will you still hold her hand, hold her close? These are questions you must ask. 
 

Regardless of your upbringing, which maybe leans achievement and appearance orientated, I would try and step out if that for a second if you can Dias. Your brother sounded very critical and mean there and Y’know, I’m not obviously saying your brother is a mean person - but I always think, if anyone’s going to start criticising appearances you better be fresh out of the modelling agency yourself my dear! It’s tasteless. I would have to ignore that one Dias and be unswayed. 
 

What people look like, how much they earn, what degrees on which papers they have required really does fall away soon enough. It adds to a person, but does not make them. You want to look at that flame within - her spirit. What you see when you look in her eyes, and ask yourself if you are truly in love with your girl? 
 

Everyone will have something stripped away at some point during their life. Be it looks, money, mental capacity, will abilities or strength - anything. What is left if the extras are gone means something. That’s who you’re getting to know. It’s hard to see through it, all the outer fluff, I’m not saying it doesn’t matter at all but, love transcends this stuff, I really know that. 
 

Ever watched the film ‘Vanilla Sky’? If not, I think you’d really like it. It covers these themes. 
 

Ask your heart, not your head. You’ll find out what you really want by consulting that truthful, sometimes overlooked and underestimated, central organ. 
 

What would you do if money wasn’t an option? 
 

What would you want your life to look like if you erased the need for money or status?

 

If you never need to impress anyone, or have anyone’s approval, what would you do? 

 

—-

“There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what I’ve wants, the other is getting it.”

 

- Oscar Wilde

—-

 

x

[mylolita]

 

[dias]

She invited me to her summer house in another smaller city (the old capital of Greece before Athens - beautiful place - beaches with mesmerizing blue/green water). She really wanted me to go there. I was really hesitant for multiple reasons. What if I didn't like it? I haven't spent more than a couple of days in someone else's house outside of family members. I had to meet all her family (father, aunts, cousins) and live very close to them which made me really uncomfortable. I had many concerns about it. 

Eventually I took the plunge as I thought what the heck, if I don't like it I am returning back to Athens immediately or stay at a hotel. Fortunately we had enough privacy. We spent 12 days together. I had an amazing time, we did so many cool things. We took her boat and visited islands nearby, we swam in beautiful beaches you can only reach with a boat, we went to restaurants and bars, we played board games, we walked and exercised in nature, we drove listening to music, we had barbeque, we ate on a bench watching the stars, we had sex every day for hours (we took it to next level for real, I thought I would end up in hospital hahahaha), we showered together, we ate together, we slept together, we even urinated together..... we spent pretty much 12 days 24/7 together. For me this is a record, I can't even tolerate my parents for more than 2 days. However, we were very compatible on a practical level which is awesome, this is the first time in my life I felt I am so compatible with a person. I didn't have this feeling of wanting to leave, I didn't feel suffocated at all. Pretty awesome (and so strange too)

How the heck I matched so well on a practical level with this girl only God knows. It is still puzzling to me, a big questionmark.  

[ShySoul]

Dias, don't question it. Enjoy it. 

People can spend a lifetime waiting for that kind of connection. It transcends anything you might have been hoping for or anything you expected. If you are lucky enough to have it, hold onto it as long as you can. It's a special feeling and means more then just about anything else.

Glad you found someone so right for you.

[Batya33]

That sounds so wonderful in every way! 

[itsallgrand]

That sounds heavenly. Made me think of a Movable Feast...when Hemmingway is describing some of the best parts of his life with his wife. 

Enjoy. 

[dias]

Thank you guys! Yes somehow we are very compatible on a practical level which is extremely rare. It's rare because we have a pretty good time without drama. We are both laid-back so we are relatively quiet as a couple with no tensity which for many would seem boring with no "spark" but we have pretty awesome time.

We make a good team, we collaborate well and we deal with situations the same chilled way. We think the same things the same moments. We have similar personalities, we are both like kids. I can tell this is sooooooo rare, maybe it happens once in a lifetime, if it happens. People say we make a lovely couple, even my mother said it when I showed her our pics together, now she really likes her because she never saw me this happy before.  

I could see this relationship working long term. Time will tell. I recognize though, matching so well with a girl in terms of personality might never happen again ever. 

 

[dias]

I came to Poland to see my grandma for a couple of weeks. It's really nice (for a northern country). I always prefer the Greek blue sea in the summer of course but it's also really nice here these days where the temperature is about 24C. Perfect weather, not too hot not too cold. Some photos as always: