Chapter 3

[Batya33]

I've been fit and slim since at least 1982 when I was 16 and started working out.  I have never been overweight except -pregnancy plust 3-4 months post pregnancy.  I wanted someone who was healthy and fit.  Around 20 years ago or so I went on a first meet with a guy who'd been a child actor and now was in his 30s and still acting but- a bit - done.  Anyway he was extremely into fitness and told me his body fat percentage (8%?). Mine was not (I actually wasn't sure but I know based on my BMI etc and you know I am a woman, had female curves etc I was sure I was not despite being slim/fit enough. 

The meet was comical.  We met at a coffee shop I frequented and on purpose I ordered one biscotti (vanilla almond!) and offered him some just to see his look of horror lol).  He was thin and very muscular -"sinewy?"  Didn't really appeal to me.  Neither did his attitude about fitness- it was just too -full on.  Too rigid even for me.  

My husband and I did a 4 mile round trip walk on Saturday as we were child free.  It was a heatwave and probably not the best idea although we made a few stops along the way and had refillable water bottles.  I'd have been fine if one or both of us cut the walk short because I'm not out to "prove" anything (and yes one of our stops was for him to get ice cream lol) but on the other hand if the thought of having a date-ette doing a walk through the gorgeous park, going to our favorite stores for food to bring home - would never appeal to him (meaning "couch potato" to the max) that wouldn't work either. Balance.

[DarkCh0c0]

9 hours ago, dias said:

The experience with this girl made me understand that a healthy and active lifestyle in a partner is way more important to me than I thought. Not only about the physical appearance aspect but also because fitness is a huge part of my life and I want someone to share experiences. Socializing, drinking and eating with friends discussing about nonsense is not my thing at all.  

So will you stop talking to her?

[mylolita]

4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I've been fit and slim since at least 1982 when I was 16 and started working out.  I have never been overweight except -pregnancy plust 3-4 months post pregnancy.  I wanted someone who was healthy and fit.  Around 20 years ago or so I went on a first meet with a guy who'd been a child actor and now was in his 30s and still acting but- a bit - done.  Anyway he was extremely into fitness and told me his body fat percentage (8%?). Mine was not (I actually wasn't sure but I know based on my BMI etc and you know I am a woman, had female curves etc I was sure I was not despite being slim/fit enough. 

The meet was comical.  We met at a coffee shop I frequented and on purpose I ordered one biscotti (vanilla almond!) and offered him some just to see his look of horror lol).  He was thin and very muscular -"sinewy?"  Didn't really appeal to me.  Neither did his attitude about fitness- it was just too -full on.  Too rigid even for me.  

My husband and I did a 4 mile round trip walk on Saturday as we were child free.  It was a heatwave and probably not the best idea although we made a few stops along the way and had refillable water bottles.  I'd have been fine if one or both of us cut the walk short because I'm not out to "prove" anything (and yes one of our stops was for him to get ice cream lol) but on the other hand if the thought of having a date-ette doing a walk through the gorgeous park, going to our favorite stores for food to bring home - would never appeal to him (meaning "couch potato" to the max) that wouldn't work either. Balance.

I have to say a similar thing Batya but I’ve never done pure exercise just for exercise. Any exercise I do is a bi-product of something, and it’s never for the exercise, that part is just something that comes along with it! Like the dancing. I see it as creative and letting loose and expressing yourself and feeling good and it’s not about “cardio” for me. 
 

I used to get people ask how many days a week I spent in the gym (none, ever) or if I was a gymnast (why?!) but I swear it’s just being hyperactive in nature (restless) and the dancing. I eat quite terribly - sugar diet. Aka “the hummingbird diet” of coffee, sodium and sugar 🤣 I put on 4 stone each pregnancy (what is that in kilograms?!) I enjoyed every cherry pie 🥧 LOL! 
 

I had an eating disorder… or have. I don’t think you ever get rid of it. But you learn how to not let yourself get obsessive and ridiculously thin. 
 

Never knew my body fat percentage apart from one time, my friend and me were in a chemist and there was this machine that took your weight and fat percentage. I was 100lbs at the time and 5’5’’ and it said I was 24% fat which seemed a lot. It made sense though. I’m quite delicately boned but I’m packing a lot in 🤣 I’m sorry, it’s just the way it is. My kids had the tape measure out a few days ago and out of pure curiosity I measured my waist and it came out at 27” and I was happy with that - could be worse.

 

Depends a lot on your body type as well - how you store fat, where it goes. Mine goes on my thighs and bum, for the most part. 
 

I couldn’t care less now. I dress to my advantage as much as I can, appreciate and enjoy my figure and embrace it for what it is - flat chested, small waisted, put fat on my cheeks and thighs and am a pear shape. It is what it is. As long as my husband is chasing me up the stairs to the bedroom every night, I’m not bothered about my weight. I couldn’t even tell you how much I weigh now.

 

I think ultra fitness people find other ultra fitness people because it really is a lifestyle. It’s never just half an hour running - it encompasses a lot, so I suppose you either have someone along for that ride or you have to accept you’ll be doing your gains and goals and reps solo! 
 

x

[mylolita]

10 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

So will you stop talking to her?

Sorry to pile in on this Dias, but Dark has a very valid point. 
 

This would be the moral and fair thing to do.

 

x

[mylolita]

Can I just add, are we talking red flags here? 
 

Mine is anyone who has one of those smart watches and monitors how many hours of REM sleep they get. 
 

I’d be terrified for my life and have to leave straight away 🤣🤣🤣

 

x

[DarkCh0c0]

7 minutes ago, mylolita said:

Mine is anyone who has one of those smart watches and monitors how many hours of REM sleep they get. 
 

I’d be terrified for my life and have to leave straight away 🤣🤣🤣

Fo real? 😆

I never thought about this one! But so many gym-holics carry some of those.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, mylolita said:

have to say a similar thing Batya but I’ve never done pure exercise just for exercise. Any exercise I do is a bi-product of something, and it’s never for the exercise, that part is just something that comes along with it! Like the dancing. I see it as creative and letting loose and expressing yourself and feeling good and it’s not about “cardio” for me. 
 

I do both every single day with rare exception -I always work out in a structured way but I exercise a lot during the day by cleaning, doing errands (I walk and climb steps likely 1-2 miles extra a day beyond my workout as I walk to all errands), and in the past playing with my son of course! For me personally it's crucial and sort of like brushing my teeth to do a structured  work out daily.  Especially at my age. For both physical and mental health. Lately it's most often in our fitness center but it is outside either where we live or where we are away on vacation or traveling. 

I don't track steps or REM sleep or any kind of tracker and I do time my workouts because since I became a mom I had to fit them in with my parenting schedule so I do more often and for less time but enough time to get the cardio benefits. 

I weighed myself almost daily from the 1980s until 2008 when I got pregnant.  It was unhealthy to do that.  I never weigh myself anymore and I get weighed about once a year by my doc.  My weight doesn't fluctuate but after I gave birth and lost the weight I lost about another ten pounds after which oddly is just like my sister and mother -we both lost weight as we got older despite being slim to begin with.

[yogacat]

My Mom tracks her steps and sleep. It gives her a sense of accomplishment at 78 years old. 

Not all gym rats count steps. 😂

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, yogacat said:

My Mom tracks her steps and sleep. It gives her a sense of accomplishment at 78 years old. 

Not all gym rats count steps. 😂

My friend is not a gym rat and counts steps because where she lives there are no sidewalks so she walks her property and doesn't go to a gym.  She  does sometimes use their home equipment.

[mylolita]

17 minutes ago, yogacat said:

My Mom tracks her steps and sleep. It gives her a sense of accomplishment at 78 years old. 

Not all gym rats count steps. 😂

It appeals to the neurosis within people 🤣

 

x

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, mylolita said:

It appeals to the neurosis within people 🤣

 

x

It depends.  Sometimes it's doctors orders.  Sometimes just for fun.  My son has fun doing it and sometimes my husband does it with him.  

All of this also is to say I never, ever recommend how I do things when it comes to exercise or diet to anyone else and even if I am asked -and sometimes I am - I won't go into it in detail -maybe I'll share that I do daily stretches for my lower back or that I drink a lot of water but that's it.  It's a really sensitive topic for many, it's very individual and I'm not in the health care field.  

[yogacat]

44 minutes ago, mylolita said:

It appeals to the neurosis within people 🤣

 

x

Says you. 😉

[mylolita]

1 hour ago, yogacat said:

Says you. 😉

Takes one to know one! 😆

[dias]

So to give an update: When she came back on Thursday we met after work, we went for a walk, for a drink and then at a hotel. On Friday she came to my place and stayed till Saturday night. We did a lot of activities and we had a lot of fun. On Saturday, she lifted weights for the first time in her life and we walked 2 hours on the mountain. We went to a popular beach I go nearby, we met a friend of hers and then we went to a restaurant in the evening.

I had a good time, true, however, the more time I spent with her the less sexually attracted I got. Which is strange since the sex was kinky and good. For the first time in her life she says she started to like cunnilingus with me (at least this is what she said who knows the truth). I tried very hard to ignore her extra weight but I just couldn't, it was impossible. 

She really wanted me to train her but I knew it was not going to last unless she was with me 24/7. The next days she started falling into her old habits (apparently). I felt I became the food and exercise gestapo for a couple of days which is horrible for both. It just can't work like this. I told her she needs to visit a nutritionist and hire a personal trainer if she is serious about it. 

She is back in Frankfurt for two weeks and then she is coming back till September. We spoke yesterday, I said it's better to end it (again lol) since it's not working anyway. She said she knew it would not going to last but she wanted to spent at least the summer together since we had a lot of fun. 

That was an option for me too, but I am not sure, I don't want to get more emotionally invested in her. Better stay apart.  It would be more difficult for me and her too later on. 

Two things I noticed about myself: 1) Living with a person 24/7 is very difficult for me, I could only do it if I were in love otherwise I find it very difficult no matter how much fun I have 2)Even kinky sex cannot make me stay even in no-strings attached situations unless I am physically attracted to this person. 

Probably will stay single forever. It's not that bad though aside from the spells of loneliness. 

 

[dias]

I will miss her company a lot though, that is in fact true. 

[Batya33]

I think you're turned off by what a pushover she is being - she's jumping through hoops to get your approval - working on changing her body for you, having oral sex because you like giving it, etc and that's a turn off.  That's why you focus on what you see as imperfections - it's a choice because you're not that into her. And you just recently met so you don't have a foundation of love, commitment, caring etc where then if the person's physical features change - a bit extra weight, a bad haircut, an acne issue or the person looks extra tired- it's part of the whole experience of your person -the person you are into.  So if that stuff happens either it goes unnoticed or it's like taking in the view - oh that's a lovely mountain, oh I see some litter over there, gross, oh look a rainbow. 

You're trying to force being into someone  you just met, who you already wish to remake (watch the movie Vertigo), I mean sure you might enjoy her in small doses -a fun convo, a fun night out, a fun sexual experience but you're not going to be into "her"/ 

[dias]

19 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think you're turned off by what a pushover she is being - she's jumping through hoops to get your approval - working on changing her body for you, having oral sex because you like giving it, etc and that's a turn off.  

This is the most absurd thing I have ever heard. Why would I be turned off by that? Jeez. 

20 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

You're trying to force being into someone  you just met, who you already wish to remake (watch the movie Vertigo), I mean sure you might enjoy her in small doses -a fun convo, a fun night out, a fun sexual experience but you're not going to be into "her"/ 

Yes I tried it, it feels like I am forcing it, it was not right for both. 

[dias]

She is not a pushover by any means. She has had multiple long term relationships and hook-ups, she is way more experienced than me. She ain't weak or a 18 years old virgin. You got the wrong impression. 

[Batya33]

7 minutes ago, dias said:

This is the most absurd thing I have ever heard. Why would I be turned off by that? Jeez. 

Yes I tried it, it feels like I am forcing it, it was not right for both. 

It's not. It's a turn off when someone acts like a doormat.  You know she is desperate to keep you -you told her she was overweight, told her it affected your attraction, communicated all these doubts when you just met -but after you had sex.  A woman who knows her worth would not be hanging out with you much less having sex and starting  the workout routine to please you.  People pleasers in this sort of way are a turn off very often in a romantic relationship.  I dated men like this short term - I did not tell them to change for me as you essentially have but they would try to change for me if I pointed out incompatibilities that meant we likely wouldn't be a good match. 

By contrast I dated a man who acted insecure within the first few dates and he told me then he knew and was already seeing a therapist for his issues. I respected that -it wasn't "for me" -it was for him. ( ended it a few weeks later when he resumed his insecure behavior -not ok with me).

  Had this woman told you when she met you - "hey you know I put on some weight the last _____ year/months and I signed up with a trainer/joined a gym/am playing pickleball -it's not something I am happy with and I know I need to work out/exercise more and I'm totally into it.  That's different.  She's twisting herself in a pretzel includling literally to please some guy who basically told her she wasn't good enough for him -that's the message for sure - and who she knows she shouldn't hang around with -didn't she get really upset with you? But she's desperate for your approval.  That is a turn off for many people.  Sure would be for me. 

That is one of the reasons it feels like you are forcing it IMO.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, dias said:

She is not a pushover by any means. She has had multiple long term relationships and hook-ups, she is way more experienced than me. She ain't weak or a 18 years old virgin. You got the wrong impression. 

I didn’t say she was in general. She is acting desperate if she’s continuing to have sex with a man who’s now told her more than once she doesn’t measure up to his standards and needs to change. That vibe is a turn off. JMHO. numerous hookups doesn’t mean she has healthy self esteem or knows her worth. Neither does having had relationships. I’m not sure why you mentioned her sexual and relationship experience. Has nothing to do with my opinion. And for sure you know her in person and you’re not that into her. I’d leave her be. Let her find someone who accepts her as is. 

[Kwothe28]

On 6/25/2024 at 5:36 PM, mylolita said:

Mine is anyone who has one of those smart watches and monitors how many hours of REM sleep they get. 

My colleague has one. I was thinking of buying one to measure my blood pressure. 🤣

Not into fitness but think it could help me measure some stuff more easily without buying a large machine to do it on daily basis.

11 hours ago, dias said:

Two things I noticed about myself: 1) Living with a person 24/7 is very difficult for me, I could only do it if I were in love otherwise I find it very difficult no matter how much fun I have 2)Even kinky sex cannot make me stay even in no-strings attached situations unless I am physically attracted to this person. 

 

Do you think that its because you couldnt imagine doing it in the future with somebody who you know it couldnt stay fit?

Dont get me wrong, I think its OK if you are not that attracted to her to just not do it with her. Its kinda prerequisite for ONS to have physical connection as its mostly important for it. Just think that its interesting introspect to have about yourself. And that yes, physical is something of very big importance to you then.

[DarkCh0c0]

On 6/26/2024 at 9:27 AM, dias said:

Probably will stay single forever. It's not that bad though aside from the spells of loneliness. 

Oh comon!

It's still a good experience.

You'll find someone else for sure. In this day and age, a lot of women (and men) are more into fitness and health than ever before. What you want is not a big ask.

[Batya33]

Just now, DarkCh0c0 said:

Oh comon!

It's still a good experience.

You'll find someone else for sure. In this day and age, a lot of women (and men) are more into fitness and health than ever before.

Yes I totally agree with all.

[mylolita]

There was a boy 
A very strange enchanted boy 
They say he wandered very far, very far 
Over land and sea 

A little shy and sad of eye 
But very wise was he

And then one day 
A magic day he passed my way 
And while we spoke of many things 
Fools and kings 
This he said to me:

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn 
Is just to love and be loved in return"

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn 

Is just to love

and be loved

in return"

 

x

[dias]

One last update about it since this would be indeed the last one: She reached out again on Monday and we started talking again (yeah I know but when we start talking we talk for hours) and she said to at least be friends with benefits for the summer as she was bored to find someone else for a summer fling lol. 

I agreed. However, as you can imagine it couldn't last. At some point she was pressuring me to tell why I liked a girl from my past and well I told her the truth that she had a hot body. I knew that moment it will end things forever which it did as she felt sexually rejected. We talked yesterday again a little bit on good terms. I believe yesterday was the final goodbye. I don't think our paths will ever cross again, we might run into each other in a night out and wave to each other but this is it. Actually this happened on Thursday at the company's party, the abrupt girl I met from Tinder a few months ago walked into the bar. She waved, I waved back and that was it. I think the same would be with this one too. 

It wouldn't work out on a practical level anyway. Too much travelling from both sides. She already went on a date yesterday.

All good.