Ex considering trying again- what should i do?

[boltnrun]

10 minutes ago, Boris 42 said:

I have told her so many times i will not be reserve

So why are you still on "reserve"?

Saying multiple times you won't do something yet continuing to do it doesn't make sense. Just like the multiple "24-48 hour" deadlines you kept making up (and extending) didn't make sense.

Whether you think so or not you are doing exactly what she wants you to do...being available to her any time she wants attention. Your "curt" responses are still responses, showing her clearly that you are still very much available to her.

If you don't mean it, why bother saying it?

I hope your mother is better soon.

[Boris 42]

@Batya33 Can i ask how you think im being childish- im trying to be polite with her, without blocking her completely out of my life (for one reason or another...) Plus i do want the best for her in the end- even if thats without me...

 

[Boris 42]

I see your point @boltnrun but i dont see myself as playing reserve at the moment- im trying to move on but indeed, i guess the only way to truly do that is block completely...

Thanks for your best wishes- she is on the mend

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, Boris 42 said:

@Batya33 Can i ask how you think im being childish- im trying to be polite with her, without blocking her completely out of my life (for one reason or another...) Plus i do want the best for her in the end- even if thats without me...

 

I hope your mother continues to improve.  Your comments to her about her boyfriend because -wow-she didn't respond to some message you sent -has nothing whatsoever to do with wanting the best for her.  One of a couple of examples.  I don't think that's polite.  

[Boris 42]

OK, fair enough... i take your point... i was truly wishing her happiness though- even if it didnt seem like it!

Thank you

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Boris 42 said:

OK, fair enough... i take your point... i was truly wishing her happiness though- even if it didnt seem like it!

Thank you

If you do then act consistently with that wish. Like - only if she mentions first that she was offline the previous evening "oh nice to hear from you - hope you had a lovely evening last night whatever you did!"

[Kwothe28]

48 minutes ago, Boris 42 said:

She kept on messaging me even after i said i didnt want to talk to her until she had split with Yankee boy

Oh boy, where to start...

First of all, you cant "blackmail" her into leaving somebody to be with you. She needs to make that choice herself. Like this it seems that you hope that you and her getting no contact will make her reconsider some things, leave somebody else and be with you. It doesnt work like that.

Second of all, that is not what "no contact" is about. Its about your own peace. If you dont want her to contact you and she breaks that, you should just block her. Like this you are saying you want no contact until she decides for you only but still respond her every day. You are doing neither of you a favor.

Third of all, she is still with that guy. There is no logic in why she would break up with him now, and no, "She loves me enough to do so" isnt logical. So you should stop all contact yourself. Block if you have to. And find your own peace outside of her.

And forth of all, if she has mental health issues she should treat that. You are not her therapist, you are not even her boyfriend. You are not responsible for her mental health. That is not on you, that is on her.

[boltnrun]

13 minutes ago, Boris 42 said:

I see your point @boltnrun but i dont see myself as playing reserve at the moment- im trying to move on but indeed, i guess the only way to truly do that is block completely...

Thanks for your best wishes- she is on the mend

You either move on or you don't. As Yoda says, there is no "try".

You are indeed playing reserve by continuing to respond any time she messages you.

Do you know the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference? Your continued interaction with her shows her clearly that you will always be available to her no matter what she does. It's obvious.

[MissCanuck]

34 minutes ago, Boris 42 said:

i dont see myself as playing reserve at the moment

But you absolutely are. And she knows it. 

She is apparently free and single now, and still isn't leaping at the opportunity to try again with you. Now she needs therapy, and then it will be another reason, and another. 

You are the only one who hasn't read the writing on the wall yet. 

[Boris 42]

I see all your points... i do just need to block..

Indeed you are right @MissCanuckshe is now free and single, but she also knows she needs another 2 years in the US and even though before she has told me she sees us together in the end, i cannot wait..She also told me she is writing a very long message to me still to help her see where her head is...

I know given the situation, that she obviously doenst want me as her boyfriend now, so indeed i need to cut free.. I was doing well for a while, but then she started messaging daily again (i didnt reply, but then she used other routes of getting in touch with me....)

Thanks all and sorry for being a bit of a drag!

[bluecastle]

1 hour ago, Boris 42 said:

(in her words) she is a mess...

Sorry you're struggling, buddy. 

What I highlighted above is, I think, really all you need to know and all you've been trying very hard to twist into something more complicated than it is. She's in the US, she's a mess, in no place to date, and has made that abundantly clear in words and actions. I'd say the time has come for you to explore why you remain so attracted to this, to the mess.  

Yes, she's also been a bit messy with that clarity, but (a) that's how people often are when they're a mess and (b) it's very human (if never cool) to want to stay tethered to a source of comfort, a reliable hit of validation, and so forth. In a sense you are both falling prey to that instinct, reinforcing it, and making this all a lot harder and murkier than it need me.

In terms of how to heal, get your mind off all this? Rather than thinking in terms of dating, which is kind of replacement/void stuffing, why not challenge yourself to do something new, for you. I've done plenty of too-early frou-frou in your shoes, but eventually came to realize it was just tightening the strings I was trying to loosen, at which point I changed tact. Gave yoga a go. Cooked my way through some cookbooks. Called a random dude I know who plays classical music and asked him for 10 symphonies to listen to, what to listen for, in order to better understand an art form that intrigued and intimidated...

Funny thing is? While some of those pursuits now exist in the file of When I Was Reeling, many of them are Who I Sincerely Became. And that was really exciting—and, eventually, something I was thrilled to share with new people I dated.

Food for thought, to chew on as you so desire.

 

 

[catfeeder]

So in other words, you remain stagnating in the status quo of responding to her messages while you wait in the very reserve you claimed you wouldn't be.

I can appreciate why you don't block her, but every time you message her, regardless of what you say, the real message you send is that you're hovering on reserve.

Perfect way to live in limbo. Perfect way to confirm that her lack of respect for you is perfectly fine and to be expected. 

You have yet to grasp that the most powerful thing you can say to this woman is NO RESPONSE.

Any word you send to her, no matter how curt, only undermines the effectiveness of silence.

[Andrina]

1. She is keeping herself in your life, knowing full well it's complete torture for you. Do you think that's an ideal partner for you, either in the present or future--a person capable of that sort of sadism?

2. Allowing her intrusion into your life, either daily or sporadic, will prevent you from bonding to any new lady, so basically you should just be alone and gamble that in two years time, your ex will magically turn into the reality you've wished for. It's a 50/50 chance, although as Dr. Phil says, the recent past is the best predictor of future behavior, so the odds are not in your favor.

3. It's not fair to a lady you're dating for you to be receiving and responding to an ex who you wished for more from. If you wouldn't want a lady communicating with her ex in this same situation, then don't be a hypocrite. Treat people how you want to be treated. And hiding that you're communicating with an ex is deceptive.

4. You can wish someone well and then no longer be in his or her life. It's called self-care. You don't have to be a sacrificial lamb, doing what you think is best for the other--being polite, being caring, being a sympathetic ear. Although it's clear that your grief is being displayed with your anger, calling the guy Yankee Boy and being snarky to her. Another reason your interaction with her needs to end.

Besides blocking her, I'd also tell your relatives you no longer want to hear if she sends them messages. And tell them you also don't mind if they block her as well. She's finding every way to insert her presence in your life. Don't let her manipulate you like this. She doesn't care about your anguish. Care enough about yourself to protect yourself from emotional abuse.

 

[Boris 42]

Thanks again everyone, i really do appreciate it, and i know you are all completely correct in what you say... i guess i do, as @Andrinaand others say need to have some more respect for myself and find things other than work (and her) to think about (without going into another relationship, as im no where ready for that...)... hopefully ill get there... I just really thought this one was the right one... so much for my intuition! 😉

Thanks again for taking the time out

 

[boltnrun]

As soon as you decide enough is enough and put her in your past, you'll be surprised how much better you'll feel.

You think it'll hurt like crazy but I promise you'll actually feel relief. No more worrying about who she's dating or checking your phone for her messages and struggling over how to respond. It's very freeing.

[Boris 42]

So, i did it... now blocked..

Lets hope we dont run into each other at a meeting in the near future...

Thanks again all...

[boltnrun]

3 hours ago, Boris 42 said:

So, i did it... now blocked..

Lets hope we dont run into each other at a meeting in the near future...

Thanks again all...

Is that likely?  I thought she lives in the US.

Blocking is a good, positive step.

[MissCanuck]

6 hours ago, Boris 42 said:

So, i did it... now blocked..

Lets hope we dont run into each other at a meeting in the near future...

How would that be possible when she lives on another continent? 

Anyway, great that you blocked her. Your intuition telling you she was "the one" was really just your desire and hope speaking. This woman is definitely not the one you're going to wind up with. 

[Boris 42]

We both travel for work, and there are a number of international meetings in a year that we would both probably be at..Its quite a small field that i work in!

Anyways.. indeed, now i need to move on and forget she has played me for the last 6 months... i wish i hadnt been so stupid, but anyway, love makes you do strange things....

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, Boris 42 said:

We both travel for work, and there are a number of international meetings in a year that we would both probably be at..Its quite a small field that i work in!

Anyways.. indeed, now i need to move on and forget she has played me for the last 6 months... i wish i hadnt been so stupid, but anyway, love makes you do strange things....

I think you made unhealthy choices - nothing to do with feelings - you chose to react to your feelings by keeping in contact.  Certainly in these last interactions she is not playing you -you're choosing to stay in contact with an ex who has moved on.  If you justify it as "love makes you do stupid things" you're more likely to repeat this sort of behavior.  Good luck!

[Boris 42]

Hi @Batya33,

I have now chosen not to keep in contact with her.. Up until now she has been telling me she will come back in two years to be with me, this was the whole dilemma, and i was, at one point willing to accept that. Now im not, hence my block. As i say the only issue is we work in the same field and are likely to run into each other, thats what im not looking forward to but hopefully that will get better with time...

Thanks for the good luck wishes- i think i need it in this day and age, and especially with how i currently feel...

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Boris 42 said:

Hi @Batya33,

I have now chosen not to keep in contact with her.. Up until now she has been telling me she will come back in two years to be with me, this was the whole dilemma, and i was, at one point willing to accept that. Now im not, hence my block. As i say the only issue is we work in the same field and are likely to run into each other, thats what im not looking forward to but hopefully that will get better with time...

Thanks for the good luck wishes- i think i need it in this day and age, and especially with how i currently feel...

Watch the feet -what the person does -not the lips -what she says.  But listen to "I'm not ready for a relationship (with you)" Or "I need some space to work on myself [space from you most often]"  -those words take to heart- most people are not going to say anything that could jeopardize a potential relationship or make the person feel that they should look elsewhere.  Good luck!

[Boris 42]

Agreed @Batya33.. She had been giving me very mixed messages up until now though, telling me that she loved me and that she was going to come back in 2 years (when her work was done there)  . But now i have decided to look after my own mental well being... her constantly changing her decisions about whether she is going to come back, the fact she still says she knows im the best relationship she will ever have etc, cannot be taken anymore, and indeed, as you say actions speak louder. Maybe she will come back in a couple of years, maybe not, but i wont be waiting and it will depend on circumstances at that time... Now its time to work on myself as well...

Cheers

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, Boris 42 said:

Agreed @Batya33.. She had been giving me very mixed messages up until now though, telling me that she loved me and that she was going to come back in 2 years (when her work was done there)  . But now i have decided to look after my own mental well being... her constantly changing her decisions about whether she is going to come back, the fact she still says she knows im the best relationship she will ever have etc, cannot be taken anymore, and indeed, as you say actions speak louder. Maybe she will come back in a couple of years, maybe not, but i wont be waiting and it will depend on circumstances at that time... Now its time to work on myself as well...

Cheers

 I see it as -you chose to accept less than an enthusiastic -yes I want to be with you now, followed by being with you now.  Don't settle for scraps and pretty words and noncommital statements, ok? It's not mixed -anything less than an enthusiastic yes is a NO.  

[Boris 42]

Yes, i see what you are saying @Batya33. I think this is where i need to work on my self-worth a bit more. I have been through depression before (and im medicated for it now) but i just have a feeling that i was 'hitting above my station' with her even after 6 (5 solid) years together... i guess thats where i need to work on myself now as well to realise that i am enough...

I hope that makes sense, and thanks again for your time...