Is it really over?

[EOCTheWinnar]

This is going to be a strange story. My girlfriend and I were best friends who had both lost 'long' term partners in the past. I was 17 and she had just turned 16 a few months prior. Becuase of both of our pains and the facts we were best friends we slowly started hanging out until one day we held hands and a few days later we both realized we were technically going out even though neither of us asked each other.

 

We had been going out for about three years and over the three years we experianced many things most recently going on a cruise with just each other and deciding to move out together.

 

Things have never been perfect, she comes from what she considers a broken home. However, her parents are both married. They have almost divorced 2 or 3 times but never went through with it.

 

The problem is she has always felt like everyone has treated her like a little kid. She HAS been called a loser and such from her parents but in ways they are kind of right, at least I can see how they would think that from their perspective. They still love her more than anything though and I don't think she mean she is literally a loser but just don't know how to put it any other way. They will tell her for weeks and weeks to clean her room and she almost didn't graduate this year but barely pulled though. I would say 75% of the responcibilities she has had I have taken care of for her. If anyone tells her what to do says shes 18 and doesn't have to listen to them.

 

She has never been a partier really but we used to smoke pot all the time when we were friends, then we quit for two years and even though she has an addictive behavior to anything because of her home life (or so it seems that is the reason) I allowed her to start smoking pot again.

 

Ever since then our relationship has gone from good to horrible. She was already irresponcible and now she smokes obsessively. If I can't see her because of work she will spend hours trying to find someone to hang out with. I believe it is because she doesn't want to be home where she gets bored easily and also believes her parents are preventing her from doing anything.

 

In all honesty they really don't expect much from her, just for her to clean her room and go to school really. They never prevented her from going out anything.

 

She has tried to break up with me a few times before however maybe once or twice every year but then quickly decided she didnt want to.

I always did the wrong thing and cried and begged her back when she did. Last time she tried to break up with me I tried a different approach and told her I didn't care. Boy did she cry her eyes out and then take back the fact that she wanted to break up at all. I'm thinking this is becuase her parents have always tried to call it quits after any argument. I think it is her head that you give up that easily.

 

We had been better for like a month and decided to go apartment shopping on thursday. Friday night I had not been home for like two weeks. She had lived with me for a while and I basically lived at her house now. Since I hadn't seen my family in a while nor got to hang out with my friends so much recently I told her I was going to a friends house that was moving to Florida and wanted to see him because he was moving soon. She yelled at me for some reason and went into her house.

 

Skip ahead to Sunday, I haven't heard from her since Friday and one of my best friends, who is also one of her good friends that she hangs out with and smokes pot with his friends hasn't heard from her either. Then he calls back later and says she asked if she could crash at his house for the night ( he lives with a lot of our other good friends too female and male so its not like she is interested in him (which she definatly is not)).

 

Apparently she was out at a club (Which is really unlike her) and I call her cellphone and she says she wants a break. I think she hung up so I do too. Two or so minutes later she calls back and says its over and hangs up.

 

I haven't heard from her since and its Tuesday. No explanations or anything other than "we fight too much." Which we really don't. We rarely fight, just when we do its a big deal.

 

What I am thinking is A) shes out at the club just to get her minds off things. and most of all B) now that shes graduating and 18 she is probably afraid that she will finally have to mature. She is so behind on maturing and doesn't have a car, stable job, anything. And she knows that now she will really have to do this stuff and since I am the biggest part of her life I think she believes she has to break up with me to do so.

 

My friend who she is staying at his house says we are perfect for each other and she just needs to mature. I haven't even tried to call her becuase a) I am too nervous and b) I think ignoring her may freak her out and make her realize what has happened.

 

Anyone have any advice on what we should do? She told me before she broke up with me "I still love you I just need a break" and then two minutes later "We are over bye." I know she loves me but in your guys opinion is it that she is 18 and probably wants to see what else is out there or that she just needs to realize that we don't need to break up for her to mature a little. I'm not asking for her to mature over night, but a little at a time over a long period of time would be nice and will happen regardless.

 

I mean we were each others best friends and made a perfect couple for 2 and a half years.... We had bad times at times but what couple doesn't. She told me she loved me first and has always been the one to bring up any kind of commitment. Maybe she is just afraid that since we have been dating so long she is stuck with me and no matter what will be married to me.

 

I am so confused and don't have many details to relate to. Her parents don't know much either.. she just left and hasn't came back or told them anything.

 

I've had a long term relationship of two years before and when we broke up it didn't affect me like this. I know there are thousands of possible mates but I know in my heart that we ARE perfect for each other. I'm not saying I could never love anyone else but I don't think I would ever be as content.

[RandomAdvisor]

For your sake, I hope it's over. This girl is extremely irresponsible, and has terrible habits (smoking weed). Why would you want to commit yourself to a person like that? Thank god you didn't get an apartment with her. You'd probably get kicked out in two months as she spends her rent money on drugs.

 

It must hurt, but it's for the best. And it's inevitable too. How can you say your relationship with her was good when she tried to break up with you once or twice every year? That's not healthy at all. If you did get back together with her, do you really think anything would change? Do you think she'd change? That she'd start being responsible, doing the things that need to be done without anyone telling her?

 

You know that wont happen. Don't be surprised if she calls you back either. People like her need people like you to enable them. By your own admission you did many of the tasks she's supposed to. You really think she's going to want to give that up? Hell no! Unless she's found someone else to leech off of, she'll come calling soon.

 

If you really care about her, you wont talk to her. Why? Because the sooner she has to take care of herself, the better. That's the only way she'll learn to be responsible on her own. By helping her, you do her a disservice.

[newts]

I advise not to move in together, you will end up being the parent and she will still be the child. She needs to obtain he own identity, she sounds like she has spent too much time blaming her parents for who she is, yes your up bringing has alot to do with your attitude, however, when you are an adult, you can make your own decisions and do things you own way and make your own life better. I am sorry my friend, she is going to drag you down.

[twizod]

I completely agree with some_guy282 because I have been the enabler in all but one of my relationships. I seem to seek out this type because they "need" me and it makes me feel good to help them out. I think the best advice would be to let her live on her own and mature that way out of necessity. You can be in a relationship but not help her out, you know? You gotta live separate and enjoy each others company but if she has problems let her figure them out. No matter how much it hurts her to grow up. Just take a breath, sit down, and be the support for her and not the enabler of her.

[EOCTheWinnar]

Well the once or twice a year break up thing.... I thought that was pretty good, typically we have gotton in less fights than any other couple I know of... I'm not talking she wants to break up and we are miserable for like a week it just seems to be her way of saying that she needs to cool off for a day or so...

 

As in, her friend and her will get in a fight and she will get pissed and tell everyone to leave her alone, then when I go to see if shes ok she will say we need to go on a break... So I will say ok and then an hour or two later she will say sorry and thats it.

 

Maybe I was a litle pissed about the whole situation or not last night..

 

As for as the weed, I don't consider weed bad at all. I know many people who are super responcible and are perfectly fine who smoke it. And I know many people who aren't responcible at all and act like the BIGGEST losers when they do it.

 

I happen to fall into the catagory that I can smoke it seldomly throughout the day and get everything I can normally do accomplished still.

 

She happens to fall into the category that she can't get anything done and she just wants to sit around all day.

 

The difference is, I'm the one who doesn't even seem to care to do it anymore or anything. I mean its nice and all... but.. I just don't care about it.

 

I'm hoping she is just going through a phase as she is not normally like this.

 

When she doesn't smoke weed, she is more responicble, probably not up to how much she should, but not annoyingly so at all and we also have a perfect non fighting everything seems ok kind of relationship.

 

My point is, you guys say I shouldn't be with her, but I love her personality. If she didn't have this maturity problem we would be a perfect couple.

 

Do you guys think she will come back to me because she is used to me doing everything? I'm not saying thats a good thing, at this point I'm more curious than anything.

[Liquidius]

Just because she smoked weed, it doesnt make her a bad person.

 

However, I dont think there is anything you can do to make her come back to you apart from being your normal self, and giving her some space. It all seems rather sudden what has happened, she might just need to time to get her head together.

[RandomAdvisor]

Do you guys think she will come back to me because she is used to me doing everything? I'm not saying thats a good thing, at this point I'm more curious than anything.

 

Yes. You have to reject her when she does though! As someone else mentioned above, in this type of a relationship you are like the parent. This isn't good for either one of you. If you're still thinking about her in 5 years, maybe you can look her up and see if she's changed. In the mean time, she needs to grow up, and she can't do that with you.