Anyone have their ex suddenly have the time, money and energy to do things they always made excuses to never do with you?

[katmisj]

I believe I do have a hard time realizing what I deserve. One of the reasons is because he was the first guy that was loyal to me, caring and would do things no one has every done. So when the bad parts came, I didn't know if I should accept them in return of the good. At first this guy would do anything for me, and I felt safe and very much loved. 

I remember on our first month telling him that I think we have a lot of differences in the way we think and that down the road this could lead to issues and that it was better to break it off. He insisted saying he "never agreed on everything with anyone" and that he was ok with us having different views in certain things only for down the road in the relationship, anything we'd disagree on he'd use it as an excuse for us to break up. By the end of our relationship when things were really rocky and unstable, I remember one time we were watching that movie "Don't look up" and 20 minutes in he was like "omg, can't you see this propaganda? how they're trying to brainwashing people into thinking jews are good, that Trump is bad a yada yada... it got so uncomfortable that I had to say I didn't think anything of the movie and that he could change it if he wanted to do so. I just felt like he had a go at me anytime something left wing related would appear (he was 100% right wing) and it got really uncomfortable because he wouldn't even listen to my opinion, he would just straight out say he doesn't respect my views even though he would never give me a chance to fully explain it. I felt like he just had this image in his head of who I am without getting to know me.

Also he had this really racist appeal. One thing that marked me was how he reacted to asian people, saying how he doesn't like them etc but the woman he slept with while we were on a break was asian and also he would go out with a lot of asian women just for sex. I just felt like that's being such a hypocrite. Why pursue women you "despise"? I questioned him why he slept with an asian woman if he thinks so little of them and he responded "that's what they're for, I would never have a relationship with them" and told me he kicked her out of his house after sex. I'd feel uncomfortable walking on the street with him because if we went past an Indian or black person he would make remarks about them and it would just make the whole mood really uneasy. He also said he'd never have children with someone who wasn't white because he wants to keep his lineage pure. I told him we could consider adoption in case I can't have kids (I am adopted) and he felt really uncomfortable, I have no idea what my life would be like with him if I indeed can't get pregnant and I'd feel like *** for not being able to give him kids from his "lineage". 

We're from different countries (he's from NZ) and I've always been like "maybe it's just a cultural thing and I'm being sensitive" or is it just a guy thing...? He would also say that I'm too sensitive for him, there were many other things that I won't get into details here. 

I also said mean things and made mistakes but I think I never intentionally wanted to say hurtful things, I just felt like sometimes he was full of hate in the way he said things and viewed things. But then on the other hand, he was the sweetest. He would calm me down when I was having panic attacks, he would bring me food, hug me when I was sad, he would treat me like no other guy has ever treated me. And I had my moments as well. I was very insecure and sometimes mean, I yelled at him, so I wasn't perfect, but I guess I also just felt like I was never understood. 

One night I was having a panic attack and he yelled "SHUT UP I CAN'T SLEEP" and I just felt like ***. Last year I had really bad depression (to which I'm treating and I am heaps better! 🙂  ) and I'd have these moments where I just cried and felt sad and he would say "maybe you should go back to your country" only because I'd say I missed my family and I was in a really stressful job and stuff. I didn't feel very supported whereas he works from home and is constantly complaining when I have an actual physical stressful job. 

He would also say my house sucks and he never wanted to come over when I've worked really hard since I moved to this country to live where I live right now and buy furniture for my little place the way I'm happy with. He said it sucks because I don't have a good TV (I can't afford a better one and also I don't and never watch TV, I just watch movies on my laptop). The other guy I met after him came to my house and we cuddled while watching on my computer but my ex would never ever do that. It would have to be at his house, with his big TV. It just would really hurt to hear that my house sucks when I love my place. 

He lives in front of me, in a smaller apartment but he lives alone (I have a housemate), so we'd go there for more privacy, but there were days where I wanted to be at mine... and it gave me anxiety because he just didn't feel comfortable here. We'd never really spend a day cuddling in bed, I remember it was always his couch... I just lacked that connection there sometimes. 

Honestly I think I'm just overthinking everything, trying to find reasons as to why I shouldn't be with him when deep down I am still hurt and I'm still angry that he left me. Whereas he is probably already on a date with another girl. I'm actually surprised as to how quick he moved on. I mean, fair enough since January we've been on and off but this is from a guy who spent 2 years on and off with his ex, who begged her back even when she emotionally abused him and to this day he still thinks she's some amazing woman when she almost got him in jail by falsely accusing him of violence. It's all so weird to me and just goes to show how he really doesn't like me that much. 

I have no energy to meet other people. At all. I actually feel the opposite. Even though on Friday nights I get anxiety thinking he's out there with some other girl while I'm home alone, I also feel drained and don't have any more energy to be disappointed in men. I just want to be alone because I just don't believe I'll find someone at this point, I've had so many failed relationships that I've come to realize some people are just lucky in life when it comes to relationships. I'm really frustrated. 

[boltnrun]

You don't need to list all the things you disliked about him. It's not a trial and you don't have to present evidence. 

However, if it helps you to stay away from him please do whatever you need to do.

But doesn't this list show even more clearly why it makes no sense to keep reaching out to him to cry and try to get him to comfort you?

And why are you sitting home alone on Friday nights? What about family or friends? Why can't you make plans to spend time with them? Or join a group to do something fun?

2 hours ago, katmisj said:

I've come to realize some people are just lucky in life when it comes to relationships.

No, it's actually because you keep allowing someone else to steer your ship instead of doing what's best for you. You hold on way past time to walk away. That's not bad luck, it's a choice.

I hope you're still working with your therapist. I'd recommend sharing this thread with him or her so they can give you insight and tools to develop a more empowering mindset.