Dating life is hard

[Anonymous]

Ok I was wondering if anyone else is experiencing this / feels this way

Im considered attractive (apparently😂🙄) so I get asked out a lot. But I am never attracted to the people asking me out. 
I rarely find people who I find hot / want to date. BUT when I do, they never seem interested back / never pursue me. 
So I’m stuck in this endless cycle of being pursued, but never by the people I want and end up not dating at all.

Why? Anyone have similar experiences? Any advice?

[Batya33]

Yes.  I think you have to become the right person to find the right person.  Part of that process is getting to a place where you accept that dating is hard -it's hard to find the needle in the haystack - but my guess is the men you are attracted to are the ones who might be unavailable -you like the thrill of the chase and the challenge of winning someone over.  You lose that spark when someone asks you out if you don't immediately think the person is hot.

So being attractive looking is often a plus. It doesn't mean it's easier to meet the right person.  Sometimes it can make it harder.  

Also try to meet people in environments where 'pursuit" is less typical. So for example I have several friends who met people by volunteering at community or church theaters backstage. While designing sets or costumes they got to know each other as a group.  Over time some of the people sort of coupled off. But it happens more naturally that way -often there's no "pursuit" -sure someone might be the first one to ask the other person out but it's a person they've known for awhile, worked side by side. 

Another example is dance lessons, cycling clubs, volunteer work.  Where are you meeting men who "pursue" you or who you have to "pursue?"

[Anonymous]

6 hours ago, Guest Anonymous said:

 

😂🙄
I rarely find people who I find hot / want to date. BUT when I do, they never seem interested back / never pursue me. 
 

Reflect on why you are only attracted to men you can't have.

Screen better. Don't waste time on men you're not interested in.

[Rose Mosse]

6 hours ago, Guest Anonymous said:

Ok I was wondering if anyone else is experiencing this / feels this way

Im considered attractive (apparently😂🙄) so I get asked out a lot. But I am never attracted to the people asking me out. 
I rarely find people who I find hot / want to date. BUT when I do, they never seem interested back / never pursue me. 
So I’m stuck in this endless cycle of being pursued, but never by the people I want and end up not dating at all.

Why? Anyone have similar experiences? Any advice?

Some of this will happen inevitably in life. Most don’t fall out of the womb perfect looking for another perfect mate. Take these as lessons along the way and rethink the criteria you need in a partner. Sometimes it takes a little adjustment and tweaking as we go along. 

[poorlittlefish]

7 hours ago, Guest Anonymous said:

Ok I was wondering if anyone else is experiencing this / feels this way

Im considered attractive (apparently😂🙄) so I get asked out a lot. But I am never attracted to the people asking me out. 
I rarely find people who I find hot / want to date. BUT when I do, they never seem interested back / never pursue me. 
So I’m stuck in this endless cycle of being pursued, but never by the people I want and end up not dating at all.

Why? Anyone have similar experiences? Any advice?

I could have written your post myself. It's not just you! 

[1a1a]

I experienced that for 5 years and I think in my heart of hearts I wasn’t ready to be vulnerable again, and so the available/interested people immediately were boring and unattractive to me. 
 

Read He’s Scared She’s Scared by Julia Sokol and Steven Carter, it might be Illuminating. 
 

Second the try and meet some people in a context where you’ll see them regularly but it’s not about dating. The unattractive ones might creep up on you with their personalities and the experience of interacting with them. 

[Carnatic]

18 hours ago, Guest Anonymous said:

Ok I was wondering if anyone else is experiencing this / feels this way

Im considered attractive (apparently😂🙄) so I get asked out a lot. But I am never attracted to the people asking me out. 
I rarely find people who I find hot / want to date. BUT when I do, they never seem interested back / never pursue me. 
So I’m stuck in this endless cycle of being pursued, but never by the people I want and end up not dating at all.

Why? Anyone have similar experiences? Any advice?

Guess it depends on what you find attractive. It's difficult when you say about the people you find hot / want to date, because ultimately we all only want to date people we are attracted to (there's no reason you should be expected to do otherwise) but whether that in itself is the issue depends on you. For some people that list of 'people I find attractive' is a very exclusive list that boils down to a list of physical criteria for what mainstream society considers 'hot'... and as soon as you refer to people you find attractive, a lot of folk will assume you are like this. But to other people it may be an eclectic bunch impossible to define, may be a very broad brush that includes the majority of people you meet, or may be a list of internalised criteria that contains no physical descriptions at all. The people you are attracted to also might be rejecting you based on something other than looks.

[waffle]

On 2/23/2022 at 6:36 PM, Guest Anonymous said:

I'm considered attractive (apparently😂🙄) so I get asked out a lot. But I am never attracted to the people asking me out. 
I rarely find people who I find hot / want to date. BUT when I do, they never seem interested back / never pursue me. 
So I’m stuck in this endless cycle of being pursued, but never by the people I want and end up not dating at all.

This is extremely common and has been well-documented.

Simply put, we're all "reachers" (I got that language from this article: 
https://theblog.okcupid.com/a-womans-advantage-82d5074dde2d
under the heading The Truth About Messaging a little more than halfway down).  We're in pursuit of those who are out of our league, so to speak, and those same people aren't pursuing us because 1) why would they? They don't have to pursue us when we're willing to pursue them, and 2) they're busy pursuing the ones out of their league.  The ones pursuing us that we're not interested in, they are "reaching" for us because, again, we are out of their league.  See how this goes?  One male acquaintance of mine who, by his own admission, routinely chases women out of his league, explained it to me like this: he has nothing to lose by pursuing those women because he expects to be turned down.  And if by some chance he actually happens to get the attention of one of them, then that would be a bonus and an unexpected and pleasant surprise.

Ideally we'd all be interested in those "in our league" and they'd be interested in us.  But first of all, those people can often be hard to identify especially at the outset, and second, human nature is to want something just a little bit better (or in some cases a lot better) than what we can actually have.

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, waffle said:

Ideally we'd all be interested in those "in our league" and they'd be interested in us.  But first of all, those people can often be hard to identify especially at the outset, and second, human nature is to want something just a little bit better (or in some cases a lot better) than what we can actually have.

I think that was true of me in my teens/early 20s and what I considered to be out of my league was fairly foolish and a bit superficial or more than a bit.  I didn't look at it as "better than I can actually have" because -particularly by my 30s - I was laser focused on finding the right match for me - and that had nothing to do with "better" or "league" - it wasn't about winning a prize or having arm candy -I simply wanted to feel reasonably sure and reasonably excited about the person I was with. 

Yes, in some ways my husband inspires me to be a better person but not because he is "better" because in certain ways he has more effective ways of interacting with people, a more type B mindset where my Type A can get me into trouble at times. 

He is smarter than me.  That doesn't make him better overall.  His hair is absolutely without a doubt better than mine and it's so wasted on a boy LOL.  But I didn't click with him from a sense of "wow I got him -and he's out of my league!"  But I definitely did have that mindset in my teens and early 20s especially so I can relate.  And made a couple of mistakes in picking people who were wrong for me but were a challenge.  

[catfeeder]

On 2/24/2022 at 5:32 AM, 1a1a said:

Second the try and meet some people in a context where you’ll see them regularly but it’s not about dating. The unattractive ones might creep up on you with their personalities and the experience of interacting with them. 

Yes, context has come to mean everything as I've matured.

My definition of 'hot' has expanded beyond crushing on the 'star' in the room. I've learned what kinds of chemistry I can discover from bonding. This opens up 'hot' as multi-dimensional rather than flatly superficial.

For instance, becoming familiar with someone's intelligent humor lends me a whole new lens through which I view that person. I've found myself crushing on people who I'd never have identified as attractive from a photo or in a lineup.

The more opportunities we embrace to get to know others outside of a dating-audition context, the more attraction can 'creep up' on us--and surprise us!

It's such a wonderful 'AHA!' to learn that I'm not trapped by a 'type'.

Head high, and keep the faith.

[Carnatic]

The whole concept of someone being 'out of your league' is a tricky one. After all, it's not as if there is a one-dimensional scale going from unattractive to attractive... but it's not as if there are no commonly-held ideals for what counts as attractive either. Talking about 'leagues' sort of assumes that everyone belongs in a certain place on a scale that only partially exists. Someone you think of as out of your league may just seem that way to you because you think of them as attractive, but who knows how common your views are? I am attracted to a lot of women... I think, certainly seems a lot in terms of how often I swipe left/right on dating apps, or women I describe as a celebrity crush that friends are surprised by.

How do people really know who is out of their league? It depends on your view of yourself too. For example, I have a really poor self-image. For this reason I am pretty much never attracted to any woman who I don't dismiss as 'out of my league'. I presume that because my self-image is so poor I am probably underselling myself. I am trying to be more open to dating (for unrelated reasons to this post) but that necessarily would involve talking to women who I view as out of my league while deep down have no idea whether they are or not.

[Batya33]

I think league can come into play in certain environments -people on a college campus, people who all live in a certain neighborhood etc.  When I was dating I knew it was silly to try to pursue a guy who all the ladies wanted because of his 'hot" looks and it was silly to try to pursue a guy who for whatever reason - looks? success? appeared to have his pick.  I wasn't interested in going for the "prize" - so that is when league kicks in IMHO.

I dated a man who was unattractive looking (not to me -although to be honest sometimes!) - and was a wonderful person in every way and so intelligent and ambitious, compassionate, thoughtful.  I brought him to a company event as my date.  We were in our late 20s/early 30s. This coworker of mine who was very pretty and dating our very handsome coworker saw me with him and basically her jaw dropped and she had this look like "how could you be with someone so ugly" (like I could do better I guess??).

I thought that made her ugly and I remember making eye contact with her with a big smile like "yes I am with him!!!".  I was pleased when her handsome boyfriend ended their engagement (he and I were good friends) as he saw her for who she was, finally.  

So there are leagues and I think they're counterproductive but as a reality-based thing I think if a person is pursuing someone where because of that other person's looks/"status" and pursuit by many others the chance of being "picked" is slim there's a point where you evaluate whether it's worth the investment (rejection aside -rejection -feeling rejected - is part of dating).

[Carnatic]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I think league can come into play in certain environments -people on a college campus, people who all live in a certain neighborhood etc.  When I was dating I knew it was silly to try to pursue a guy who all the ladies wanted because of his 'hot" looks and it was silly to try to pursue a guy who for whatever reason - looks? success? appeared to have his pick.  I wasn't interested in going for the "prize" - so that is when league kicks in IMHO.

I dated a man who was unattractive looking (not to me -although to be honest sometimes!) - and was a wonderful person in every way and so intelligent and ambitious, compassionate, thoughtful.  I brought him to a company event as my date.  We were in our late 20s/early 30s. This coworker of mine who was very pretty and dating our very handsome coworker saw me with him and basically her jaw dropped and she had this look like "how could you be with someone so ugly" (like I could do better I guess??).

I thought that made her ugly and I remember making eye contact with her with a big smile like "yes I am with him!!!".  I was pleased when her handsome boyfriend ended their engagement (he and I were good friends) as he saw her for who she was, finally.  

So there are leagues and I think they're counterproductive but as a reality-based thing I think if a person is pursuing someone where because of that other person's looks/"status" and pursuit by many others the chance of being "picked" is slim there's a point where you evaluate whether it's worth the investment (rejection aside -rejection -feeling rejected - is part of dating).

Yeah you're right that they may often be very locally based... And ultimately the main factor is just whether they are getting asked out constantly, or never get rejected or whether they are getting rejected constantly, or don't get asked out. Regardless of how they look and how you look and what other qualities you may have. If you approach someone who gets dozens of offers a week then you've less chance of getting a yes, than if you approach someone who hasn't had a date in years.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Carnatic said:

Yeah you're right that they may often be very locally based... And ultimately the main factor is just whether they are getting asked out constantly, or never get rejected or whether they are getting rejected constantly, or don't get asked out. Regardless of how they look and how you look and what other qualities you may have. If you approach someone who gets dozens of offers a week then you've less chance of getting a yes, than if you approach someone who hasn't had a date in years.

Not to put too fine a point on it but I mentioned fear of rejection but I don't consider declining a date to be a rejection.  It's rejecting a date perhaps but nothing to do with rejecting a person.

[Carnatic]

5 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Not to put too fine a point on it but I mentioned fear of rejection but I don't consider declining a date to be a rejection.  It's rejecting a date perhaps but nothing to do with rejecting a person.

That's a specific use of the term 'rejection' though, as it's an emotive subject, but it's difficult to know what better word to use for when you ask someone on a date and they say no.

[smackie9]

Rejection...turned down. 

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Carnatic said:

That's a specific use of the term 'rejection' though, as it's an emotive subject, but it's difficult to know what better word to use for when you ask someone on a date and they say no.

I'd practice using and considering a different word. If the person says no you describe it as "I asked her out and she said no" or "she declined the invitation"- "she declined".  

[Carnatic]

11 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I'd practice using and considering a different word. If the person says no you describe it as "I asked her out and she said no" or "she declined the invitation"- "she declined".  

To be honest it really doesn't bother me. I don't think I've ever encountered this situation where 'rejection' is an emotive word to be reserved for certain situations. Obviously people do have fear of rejection but that's not fear of the word so I don't think restricting your use of the word changes anything there. I presume you would use it only if there had been at least one date before they decided they didn't want to see more of you. If you want to date someone but they don't want to date you, that's rejection.

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Carnatic said:

To be honest it really doesn't bother me. I don't think I've ever encountered this situation where 'rejection' is an emotive word to be reserved for certain situations. Obviously people do have fear of rejection but that's not fear of the word so I don't think restricting your use of the word changes anything there. I presume you would use it only if there had been at least one date before they decided they didn't want to see more of you. If you want to date someone but they don't want to date you, that's rejection.

I'm not into "emotive" as a way to discuss this -I know what it means, it's not what I mean.  I don't like "rejection" when it implies that the person is rejecting the other person as a person. I'm not restricting at all - I'm explaining why I don't use that word.

If someone knows me as a person and rejects me as a person -whether in dating or otherwise that's different.  If I ask someone out on a date and the person says no with rare exception they are not rejecting me as a person especially if I am basically a stranger. I didn't really  fear rejection either when I was dating.  I found it ineffective back then to ask men out on dates to reach my personal relationship and family goals. 

I was good at asking men out, I was good at meeting men and striking up conversations and flirting, asking men to dance.  Showing interest.  It was part of being good generally at meeting and engaging people and making it a priority to work on social skills or fine tune them as needed.  Not everyone is interested in that. Not everyone is interested in people -in figuring out what makes them tick, contributing in conversation, support, with laughter - I am, basically always have been.

I definitely did my share of pursuing and chasing but really if you're interested in what makes people tick and people sense that and you're approachable and ask good but not prying follow up questions then it's easier to ask a person out or show interest. Without feeling like you're putting yourself on the line because it's developed naturally. People like people who show genuine interest in them as people.  It's charming in the true not fake sense of the word.

[maritalbliss86]

On 3/1/2022 at 5:46 AM, Batya33 said:

I dated a man who was unattractive looking (not to me -although to be honest sometimes!) - and was a wonderful person in every way and so intelligent and ambitious, compassionate, thoughtful.  I brought him to a company event as my date.  We were in our late 20s/early 30s. This coworker of mine who was very pretty and dating our very handsome coworker saw me with him and basically her jaw dropped and she had this look like "how could you be with someone so ugly" (like I could do better I guess??).

I thought that made her ugly and I remember making eye contact with her with a big smile like "yes I am with him!!!".  I was pleased when her handsome boyfriend ended their engagement (he and I were good friends) as he saw her for who she was, finally.  

I actually had that happen to me, too, but in high school (which makes sense lol).

But I get it that people want to see other people making what appears to be, "equal," matches.  If you take the appearance factor out of this, and just look at the intellectual factor, then it makes more sense logically that people tend to actually marry/pair up within their, "league," kind of.

You won't find a *smart* man marrying someone dumb, to put it bluntly.  And he shouldn't!  Because it'd be a liability long-term.  I'm sure some men do, thinking that sexual attraction alone can make up for that, but if she's dumb (or if a man's dumb) they'll sabotage the relationship in a myriad of ways that sex can't make up for.  A truly wise, perceptive person of either sex understands that naturally... it's common sense.

So the tendency to see people pair-up or marry, "within their league," there's a practicality to it and some common sense in that people should not do something that is ultimately not in their best interest long-term.  This is why a rich man can generally get someone much younger/more attractive, because they both bring something valuable to the table (and he obviously tries to vet for her having logic and common sense and not being an idiot).  The younger women are within his, "league," so to speak because his money has propelled him there, and so on. 

It's a lot more complicated than merely believing people are shallow and vain.  They are often looking for the best overall, "deal," and, "match," and that means shopping within their means to do so, and, "league."

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, maritalbliss86 said:

But I get it that people want to see other people making what appears to be, "equal," matches.

I think that's different than the typically shallow attributes that come with the term "league" as opposed to "compatibility".  Like, the problem with wealth is it's changeable so the person attracted to wealth might find him or herself in a bad situation and no longer in "league".  By contrast intrinsic qualities -which usually don't trigger the term "league" are less likely to change - like emotional intelligence, intelligence, character, integrity, Type A or Type B, etc.  

I think no one should be concerned about people who like to see league-equal matches if that mostly has to do with looks and the outer trappings of wealth, etc. -who cares what they think.

[limichelle]

I don’t know I used to be that way. Honestly I don’t care about looks all that much. At the end of the day I just want someone who can make me laugh and I can be comfortable and myself with. 

[boltnrun]

My brother claims to want an "intellectual" woman but is invariably attracted to (and has twice married) women who chatter nonstop about topics like makeup, the Real Housewives and what Kim and Kanye are up to. And he is an engineer who is extremely intelligent and loves to read about history, architecture and science. He dates and married women who don't read at all.

My theory is his brain wants to rest after having to think all day long lol.

But as far as physical appearance, he's attracted to women who are curvier. He's skinny, but he wants a robust woman he can snuggle up to.

I OTOH will roundly reject any man who has no interest in sports. That is non-negotiable!

[Jibralta]

On 3/3/2022 at 8:54 AM, maritalbliss86 said:

You won't find a *smart* man marrying someone dumb, to put it bluntly.  And he shouldn't!  Because it'd be a liability long-term.  I'm sure some men do, thinking that sexual attraction alone can make up for that, but if she's dumb (or if a man's dumb) they'll sabotage the relationship in a myriad of ways that sex can't make up for.  A truly wise, perceptive person of either sex understands that naturally... it's common sense.

Yes. 

For a long time, I was confused by that line from the movie Forrest Gump: "Stupid is as stupid does." But numerous experiences over the last 14 years ago have shown me the truth of that statement. It doesn't matter how intelligent you are. If you make stupid choices, you're effectively dumb.