Advice please

[smackie9]

8 hours ago, Laura45 said:

If you keep hearing it long enough you start to then think is it right or wrong what I'm doing  and he's telling me that people have been telling him I'm in the wrong and he's saying I'm sick etc that's why I came here to ask the forum...the thing is I havnt spoken to the kids dad he's now got a new family and lives in a different city and the bf never met him he's not been around at all and he's saying that I have broken his heart that he's gone because I have chosen my ex over him hes not going to be 2nd ...they are old pictures in an album!!!!...its madness!

This is called gaslighting. It's a tool abusers use to divert their terrible acts of abuse.

[smackie9]

8 hours ago, Laura45 said:

I have no friends and family around me really but i talk to them on the phone they all say the same thing to get rid....its hard to find councilling at all especially since the covid and most places have a long waiting list the only councilling I have found is the ones online that you pay a lot of money for but I'd like to go to someone and talk with them...

This is why they choose someone like you and what abusers do...to isolate you so you don't have support of friends/family. It's to make you feel helpless and more dependant on them, so you won't leave. It's all about control over you. You can contact friends and family to help you. You will be surprised what people are willing do to help get out of your situation. Reach out. Plan your escape.

[melancholy123]

Kick his sorry butt to the curb.  What a jealous control freak he is.  He is totally in the wrong, and you are perfectly in the right to keep those albums for your sons.  That man in those photos is their father!  That's why you keep them!  

Your bf is pathetic, block and delete him and hang onto those photo albums.

[Laura45]

13 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Laura. 

This is not about your ex. Or the photos. It is pointless to try to explain that to him, because it really has nothing to do with that. 

It's about your boyfriend's abuse. You need to get away from him. Have you got any supportive friends or family near you? Do they know how he 

4 hours ago, melancholy123 said:

Kick his sorry butt to the curb.  What a jealous control freak he is.  He is totally in the wrong, and you are perfectly in the right to keep those albums for your sons.  That man in those photos is their father!  That's why you keep them!  

Your bf is pathetic, block and delete him and hang onto those photo albums.

I know and he's telling me that I should have given the albums to my sons by now...and move on 

 

[Laura45]

Thankyou everyone for the advice...its so comforting to know that everyone's on my way of thinking because the whole week I been doubting myself and feeling stressed and thinking him and who ever is advising him are right...I saw him today in the supermarket and he came over and asked me what I'm saying and I told him about himself and he carried on saying I should have given them to the boys by now and the reason I got them still is I cant move on and now I have lost him because I have put my ex before him...and he won't be second best and he will go find a real woman..one who has an adult convo and won't put her ex before him...I told him good luck to him and he walked off...its stupid really to know this is a man of 51 years old and I'm having these kind of convos with him...and I've spent nearly 4 years with him its sad...but I know there will always be something I got to think of myself now..

[boltnrun]

Listen to your sons.

Do not make any further attempts to contact this abusive man, and certainly do not apologize or beg him back.

Block his number. Unfriend and block him on all social media platforms. If you run into him simply go on your way. Don't have a conversation with him. If he follows you, tell him to leave you alone. If he persists notify store security.

This man will get worse and worse if you allow him to. So don't.

[catfeeder]

16 hours ago, Laura45 said:

I have no friends and family around me really but i talk to them on the phone they all say the same thing to get rid....its hard to find councilling at all especially since the covid and most places have a long waiting list the only councilling I have found is the ones online that you pay a lot of money for but I'd like to go to someone and talk with them...

There are free hotlines on the Internet, such 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or https://www.thehotline.org/ .

Or search for 'domestic violence hotline' and add your location.

These are services that will speak with you about the level of danger you may not realize you are in, and steps to take to protect yourself from stalking and a confrontation that could end in abuse or death.

You can also ask for an appointment with an expert in your area, and these people are trained to help you exit an abusive relationship safely--and they will provide resources to help you do this.

You do NOT need to have been hit or injured to take advantage of these services, as they are as much about PREVENTION as they are about rescue.

Another option is to contact your local hospital, ask for a referral to help with domestic violence.

This man's verbal cruelty and accusations are considered dangerous, and as you've noticed, they have escalated. They are likely to progress into physical harm, and this threat is heightened when you try to get away from him.

Please speak with your sons and family about this problem, and stay with other family members or a local women's shelter for your safety until the experts tell you that this man is less likely a threat to you.

This will NEVER get better with this man, only worse, so please listen to your family and get safely away from him.

[Jibralta]

10 hours ago, Laura45 said:

I told him good luck to him and he walked off.

So is that the end, I hope?

[Laura45]

Hi yes it is 😞

[Wiseman2]

Just now, Laura45 said:

Hi yes it is 😞

Excellent. At least you are free of this creep. How did your adult sons and friends and family feel about him? Were they warning you?

[Laura45]

18 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Excellent. At least you are free of this creep. How did your adult sons and friends and family feel about him? Were they warning you?

Yes all the time they would always see me upset or down. They would say why don't you just get rid of him?..he's no good for you! Everytime we went out with friends he would spoil the night with his jelousy if i looked at someone or said hello he would kick off . One night I was helping his friends pay for the parking meter and he walked off shouting at me saying what u standing there for with my friends and was swearing and stormed off they said i dont know why u put up with it..looking back i really have put up with alot but I kept going back in the end they just let me get on with it...

[Jibralta]

27 minutes ago, Laura45 said:

Hi yes it is 😞

Good. He really beat you down. You don't deserve that. I hope you stay done with him and anyone remotely like him.

[boltnrun]

5 hours ago, Laura45 said:

but I kept going back in the end they just let me get on with it...

Because they saw that for some reason you chose to keep yourself chained to this abuser. You wanted him and nothing they said got through to you. 

But I hope now the fog has cleared.

I will tell you, at some point you will decide you "miss" him. You'll decide he wasn't that bad. You'll decide it was all your fault and you should really apologize, tell him you love him and ask to see him.  Or you'll think it's an excellent idea to text him "just to say hi". Well, don't do any of that. When you feel tempted, call a friend, a family member or one of your sons. Tell them you're tempted to contact him and ask them to talk you out of it. I can almost guarantee this will happen, so you need to be prepared. Oh, and store his number in your phone as NO DON'T or ABUSER. You'll see that and remember why it's a good idea to stay away from him permanently.

[tattoobunnie]

You are suffering so much PTSD, and that is why you are second guessing yourself.  He had years to gaslight you, so please block him on everything, and give yourself some time and self-care.  He is going to try to sweet talk you back, but don't fall for it.

[boltnrun]

4 hours ago, tattoobunnie said:

You are suffering so much PTSD, and that is why you are second guessing yourself.  He had years to gaslight you, so please block him on everything, and give yourself some time and self-care.  He is going to try to sweet talk you back, but don't fall for it.

Yes, exactly. Abusers don't like having to search for a new woman to abuse. They know they'll have to act nice in the beginning and they HATE acting nice, especially to women who they feel deserve to be treated poorly. So he will likely try various tactics to get you to come back. 

He may try: guilt, blame, tears, self pity, declarations of love, gifts and/or flowers, talking to your sons, berating and name calling, threats of suicide or threats of violence against you. Anyway that he thinks will work. He knows you want to love him. He knows you dearly want to be with him. He'll use that against you.

And no, he is NOT doing all that because he loves you. He's doing it because he knows it's difficult to find a woman who is willing to accept his abuse. He does not want to have to start over trying to find a new willing victim.

That's why I recommend what I wrote in my previous response. Be very, very vigilant.