I have feelings for my first cousin and I’m ashamed

[anonymous_puppy]

I have feelings for my first blood cousin and I am unsure how to accept or overcome this situation.

Sometimes I would be with our family at gatherings at Christmas times or New Years etc and I would fantasise of being able to let her know or relieve the temptation or the weight etc.

I realise this would be very bad for our family so I’ve kept it close to me. I’m from the UK. Cousin marriage and consent laws are more relaxed over here. Cousin marriage is legal and consent is 16. She is 21, my sibling brothers age and I am 23. She is extremely conventionally beautiful and I react to her as I would to an actual crush which is what worries me. As it stops me from socialising normally without nerves or uncomfortableness and wondering how she feels if she knows or is also uncomfortable. I get the hunch that she does. Girls usually have to know for their own natural protection I presume.

I think she likes me too, or I get the feeling she does. She tends to mirror my body language, sometimes she can’t resist gazing into my eyes, or she’ll focus her attention to me when no one else does etc. it might just be her natural extroversion which I think some girls suffer from with guys assuming they like them. However it’s a hunch. that’s my favourite feature along with her hairstyle and just generally the image idealisation of a crush I would normally have. This is the issue. Along with the root being below average in looks and suffering in my real dating life as a result with other complex issues which I know I have control over.

What do I do to escape this? Anytime I’m with any of them thoughts of her become inescapable and at times the feelings become so apparent that I wonder if she’s thinking of me in those moments. At times it can be paralysing. Strongly desiring to kiss her, hold her hand, hug her etc. she had a boyfriend who I was happy for but they broke up due to distance and direction issues I think in life.

I don’t know what to do. I assume nothing is going to be the obvious answer here but like I said it destroys me internally at times, and can’t always focus when I’m around a crush. I wonder if telling could actually be a solution to some degree - ie kept a secret between us to make the situation around us more comfortable as though we are not ‘hiding’ any true feelings; but like I said this could obviously be disastrous.. I would never say anything if there was no reason to suggest it being a logical or smart idea.

Anyway, sorry to blab on but if anyone has any advice or has been through this situation and got to the other side of acceptance or got over it I would greatly appreciate your words of wisdom on this really frustrating and upsetting situation.  

[Spawn]

Yes its a bad idea, wish her well silently & pursue others, get into some other activities meet people and start dating others 🙂

[Wiseman2]

41 minutes ago, anonymous_puppy said:

I am 23.

Do you date or have a GF? That would help.

Right now you are just getting horny but, of course it's inappropriate to come on to her.

[gamon]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

 of course it's inappropriate to come on to her.

 Where did you get that idea from??

In the UK, marriages between first cousins is legal and on the uprise and is considered to be "perfectly ok" as per numerous search results.

 

 

 

 

[boltnrun]

18 minutes ago, gamon said:

 Where did you get that idea from??

In the UK, marriages between first cousins is legal and on the uprise and is considered to be "perfectly ok" as per numerous search results.

 

 

 

 

Yes, but in those cases the feelings were mutual.

In the OP's case, the only thing he has to go on is she looks at him. Well, I look at a lot of people, particularly at a gathering or if there's a conversation going on. It doesn't mean I have an attraction to everyone I look at.

[catfeeder]

Decide whether you intend to pursue anything, or not.

If so, don't turn it into a suicide mission with some tawdry confession, just ask her if she'd like to meet you for lunch next weekend.

If so, then see her a bit outside of family gatherings and see if it turns into anything worthwhile.

If she says okay but then is never available or she says no, the you'll be clear that she's uncomfortable with the idea, and there's your answer.

From there you'll know how to behave going forward.

Quote

 ...like I said it destroys me internally at times,

Using narratives like this won't help. You can talk yourself into making this a catastrophe, or you can decide that you're adult enough to handle it--and behave accordingly.

Everybody needs to deal with crushes. Turning them into mental disasters is NOT a coping strategy, it's the perfect way to sink yourself.

Head high, make a decision, then make yourself proud by how well you can handle it.

Surprise yourself!

[Tinydance]

Marrying your cousin may not be illegal but from a biological and reproduction perspective I think is bad. I was recently watching a documentary about people in the UK Pakistani community marrying their first cousins and a lot of them had children with disabilities because it's not good genetically to have children with a blood relative. Also just in my opinion it's kind of weird and incest. I understand you find your cousin attractive but there are a lot of other girls out there. You should have plenty of opportunities to date women who are not related.

[Wiseman2]

On 1/17/2022 at 2:14 PM, gamon said:

 Where did you get that idea from??

In the UK, marriages between first cousins is legal 

Where did you get the idea that they're getting married?😂

[gamon]

14 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Where did you get the idea that they're getting married?😂

My point being that first cousin relationships aren't considered inappropriate in the UK, as you had suggested in your post.

 

[Fudgie]

6 hours ago, gamon said:

My point being that first cousin relationships aren't considered inappropriate in the UK, as you had suggested in your post.

Depends on who you are. Are you part of the Pakistani community? Are you a member of the Royal family? Then yeah, it's probably not considered inappropiate. However, the UK has definitely adopted a more Western (read: American) attitude towards such relationships. So, outside of a couple communities, it is looked down upon and regarded as incest. It is viewed similarily as those in the US: something that backwards, desperate "poor" people do.

Personally, I think if you want biological kids in the future, OP, this is a non-starter. If you read the literature out there, there are claims that it isn't as dangerous to have children with a first cousin. That's true but the genetic risk is still double overall. Now, overall that may not seem like much but it depends on the family history and the genetic disorders involved. It could be actually quite devastating.

Look, I'll try to be brief here: I know what it is like to care for someone for whom you really shouldn't have feelings but do. I don't want to go into details. But you need to put those feelings down for a bit and think "Is this worth it". There are some bells in life that you can't unring and while you may be able to keep secret, it could devastate your life if they were found out. And that's just assuming you get that far - she may not even share the same feelings. Yes, she looks at you but you're looking a lot at her so how do you know that she's looking at you in the same way and not in a "why is my cousin looking at me like that" sort of way?

I am not telling you what to do here. I am asking you to take a serious pause and consider is at stake in progressing. Is this really worth it? If you have ANY inkling that it is not, which I think you do because you posted here, then you need to back it up and find someone/something else to distract yourself with.

As for the shame, there is no shame. You can't help what you feel, only what you do. Judge yourself for your actions, not your feelings, because your actions are what define you. 

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, gamon said:

, as you had suggested in your post.

It's inappropriate because he doesn't want to have this crush on her. Not because of UK laws.