Doing good deeds, then holding it over someone's head

[Kwothe28]

I recently helped a friend with his washing machine. He bought a new one but didnt want to pay for delivery service extra fee for taking it into his home because it was only from outside the street to his house. So he asked for help and I did it. Its the kind of favors you dont really expect repaying. Would he help me if I needed something similar? Yes. But you dont expect them to kiss your butt just because you helped. 

I think its more appreciation thing. You want to feel appreciated and that is fine. But you have to be able to sort of "read" people for that. If you think people will take advantage of you, just dont help. I have a local politician friend. I fully know he expects you to help otherwise he gets mad, so I have no trouble refusing it. That kind of people will never appreciate it and will always just take advantage. Same with your friend from a previous thread. He helped you but expects to be able to "unload" emotionally on you every time he feels fit. You fully should expected that from somebody who has feelings toward you. Not saying that just for life, I also mean professionally. You have to be able to know stuff like that so you would know what to expect from who.

[Batya33]

Also take a good hard look at what you get out of it -do you like feeling powerful - the person with superior knowledge who takes someone under their wing - that's a mentorship not a friendship (although I've always been a strong proponent of mentees giving back to their mentors - not just showing appreciation but making themselves useful despite the -by definition -imbalance in knowledge/skills).  

You're not describing a "good deed"  - you're describing a person you thought was a friend for whom you did a favor. And because this person was a friend you assumed it would be reciprocated if not in kind then in some way.  So in a true friendship doing favors is second nature - and it's second nature not to feel the need to keep score.  There's a level of trust that it's reciprocal if not then then someday, in some way.  And there's a sense -since there's no keeping score- that over time it generally balances out so that the friendship feeling is one of care and respect and trust.  

You didn't respect yourself here.  You did favors you told yourself were "good deeds" and then felt confused at your resentment.  You weren't honest with yourself about your boundaries or expectations or even what the relationship with this person was. A lot to learn here.  

Here's an example by contrast - I had an old computer (this is over 20 years ago).  A friend of a friend told me there was a local nonprofit that wanted old computers because they could not afford new ones.  So I offered to donate mine.  I put aside time for it to be picked up from my high rise apartment. Had no idea who was coming/how many people.  It was one of those old clunky desktops plus a printer.  When she arrived she assumed I was going to help her carry it down to her car. 

I had no way to do that without injuring myself.  I felt that I had done more than enough donating the computer instead of trying to sell it, etc.  I felt she should have made arrangements to be able to transport my donation to the destination (if she'd asked in advance I'd have told her I couldn't).  She seemed annoyed.  I felt she was acting entitled.  I expected her to be appreciative and she expected me to help transport it.  I didn't have a good feeling after.  That's an example, to me, of having a reasonable expectation of a genuine thank you  (where the recipient knows you did the good deed).  

[Tonight.majestic]

6 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

 Same with your friend from a previous thread. He helped you but expects to be able to "unload" emotionally on you every time he feels fit. You fully should expected that from somebody who has feelings toward you. Not saying that just for life, I also mean professionally. You have to be able to know stuff like that so you would know what to expect from who.

I've been thinking a lot about this scenario - trying to be objective and see his side of the equation as far as where exactly did I use him. 

He has helped me, that I'll admit. I'm realizing that perhaps it's best I settle the score between us somehow. 

I guess, lesson learned. 

[Tonight.majestic]

7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's time to stop trying to make people like you. There is a very consistent pattern of contradicting yourself.

This is not about others or how "demanding" they are. This is about lack of self respect and boundaries.

You need to understand that you can't make people like you by being a doormat. Instead strive to be respected by respecting yourself.

You're right about that. I've been raised in an environment where I was told early on that in order to have respect for yourself and demand it from others you have to be well endowed with education, a career, good pay, decent looking etc. 

 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Tonight.majestic said:

You're right about that. I've been raised in an environment where I was told early on that in order to have respect for yourself and demand it from others you have to be well endowed with education, a career, good pay, decent looking etc. 

 

But you're an adult now so you get to make your own choices.  So do you really believe -as an adult who has her own mind and body -that your Starbucks barrista who may or may not have an education and who most likely is not making good pay does not deserve respect?  Also why would you "demand" respect from others as any kind of regular way of interacting?

[catfeeder]

On 12/10/2021 at 12:48 PM, Tonight.majestic said:

she said thank you for all you've done for me and gave me a photo album of our time together. That was it. No symbolic gifts,

That album WAS a symbolic gift. A thoughtful and lovely one.

If I help someone, it's because I want to. It's a gift, not a contract.

Inside, I trust that my generosity will be paid FORward, not 'back'.

The only way that I could justify my time and efforts as a gift would be to never mention it in any context beyond telling this person after an accomplishment how proud I am FOR them (rather than OF them, to avoid claiming any ownership of their accomplishment).

Either I'm all-in, or I'm a pass, regarding anything I wish to give. Beyond that, I don't think of it as 'my' effort, I think of it as supporting someone else's effort--to make of what they will.

Head high, good karma is rarely instant--so don't look for it.

[Cherylyn]

The symbolic gift was odd.  If I tutored someone for free for YEARS, I wouldn't want to receive a photo album of both of us as a tutor and student.  Am I supposed to display this album on my coffee table?  Really? 

A very well thought out gratitude symbolic gift should've been at the very least a nice dinner and even then she got off cheap.  Do you realize how expensive "on call and on standby" years worth of tutoring costs?  It would've been prohibitively expensive for her and she knows it.  She used you and took advantage of your generosity which I'm sorry to say, is actually your fault because you allowed to be taken advantage of in the first place.  You'll know better in the future.  I'm glad thus far, you've since learned the power to say "NO" and politely decline requests.

Your story is reminiscent of my former affluent friend from long ago.  She asked me to drive her and her kids in my large SUV to our destination which was a total of over 200 miles round trip.  She didn't help pay for gas nor anything.  Instead, she gave my son a "symbolic gift" which was subpar clothing, tacky, gaudy and obviously a reject yet she had no qualms giving it to us!  The better gift would've been a contribution towards gas (petroleum), treating me to lunch or dinner.  That's just plain common sense. 

As for respecting yourself, I agree with that and very much so.  However, demanding others to be well endowed with education, a career, good pay and decent looking is unreasonable.  I've known the gamut.  I've known very accomplished people with educational pedigrees, extremely high incomes and the whole lot while their characters are despicable.  I've known gardeners, low paying blue collar workers and the like who possess commendable character.  I've known wealthy, extremely humble people.  My MIL and FIL (mother-in-law & father-in-law) are prime examples of that. I've known both good and bad people from all walks of life. 

If you want to play it safe and prevent from getting hurt in the future (or offended, insulted, disrespected), then copy the other person or friend.  Don't do more than they would do for you.  If they're generous and kind, then you do likewise.  If they have their limits and not as nice as you had hoped for, then back off and don't do too much for them such as giving your heart and goodwill.  Create healthy boundaries for yourself.  If you're too nice and kind, you'll become disappointed again because people will not respond with the same level of respect.  This is how society is.  Either people were not raised with good manners or if they were, they don't practice it.  Some people are ignorant.  They are clueless and reciprocating in anyway is not part of their mindset.  It's not their way.  They're "too busy" to care or they simply don't care how you feel, period.  If you're miffed, you're miffed because you are the one who set yourself to be miffed.  Don't set yourself up for disappointment and disrespect anymore.  

I was once very generous with people.  Due to any calamity, emergency or tumult, I was the first to race to their doorstep with home cooked meals in tow.  I only reserve those gestures for a few people in my life who've earned this level of care, labor, expense and time from me.  In the past, I sewed quilts, potholders, trivets and aprons for them.  I loved making things for others.  Or, I would order online and have marvelous gifts shipped to their house.  I offered kind words of moral support.  I did this for neighbors, members of my community, church brethren, acquaintances, relatives, other in-laws and friends.  Then when they knew of 4 major surgeries within a year in my household, where were they?  They were nowhere to be seen nor heard.  It was crickets.  I went through great lengths to comfort others in my own way and when it was my turn to be in need, they all scattered to the four winds.  Therefore, nowadays, if people are kind to me, I'm kind to them but I no longer do more than what they had done or not done for me.  It's better to be fair and balanced regarding friendships and relationships.  

Some people grow accustomed to being spoiled and when I stopped being as generous as I was.  They wondered where all the freebies went.  Hmm.    🤨

It's better to concentrate on yourself and be kind to yourself first.  Then when you have time, resources, help, labor, attention and energy for others, make sure both of you don't put forth anymore effort than the other person does.  Be equal. 

 

 

 

[Tonight.majestic]

13 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

The symbolic gift was odd.  If I tutored someone for free for YEARS, I wouldn't want to receive a photo album of both of us as a tutor and student.  Am I supposed to display this album on my coffee table?  Really? 

A very well thought out gratitude symbolic gift should've been at the very least a nice dinner and even then she got off cheap.  Do you realize how expensive "on call and on standby" years worth of tutoring costs?  It would've been prohibitively expensive for her and she knows it.  She used you and took advantage of your generosity which I'm sorry to say, is actually your fault because you allowed to be taken advantage of in the first place.  You'll know better in the future.  I'm glad thus far, you've since learned the power to say "NO" and politely decline requests.

Your story is reminiscent of my former affluent friend from long ago.  She asked me to drive her and her kids in my large SUV to our destination which was a total of over 200 miles round trip.  She didn't help pay for gas nor anything.  Instead, she gave my son a "symbolic gift" which was subpar clothing, tacky, gaudy and obviously a reject yet she had no qualms giving it to us!  The better gift would've been a contribution towards gas (petroleum), treating me to lunch or dinner.  That's just plain common sense. 

As for respecting yourself, I agree with that and very much so.  However, demanding others to be well endowed with education, a career, good pay and decent looking is unreasonable.  I've known the gamut.  I've known very accomplished people with educational pedigrees, extremely high incomes and the whole lot while their characters are despicable.  I've known gardeners, low paying blue collar workers and the like who possess commendable character.  I've known wealthy, extremely humble people.  My MIL and FIL (mother-in-law & father-in-law) are prime examples of that. I've known both good and bad people from all walks of life. 

If you want to play it safe and prevent from getting hurt in the future (or offended, insulted, disrespected), then copy the other person or friend.  Don't do more than they would do for you.  If they're generous and kind, then you do likewise.  If they have their limits and not as nice as you had hoped for, then back off and don't do too much for them such as giving your heart and goodwill.  Create healthy boundaries for yourself.  If you're too nice and kind, you'll become disappointed again because people will not respond with the same level of respect.  This is how society is.  Either people were not raised with good manners or if they were, they don't practice it.  Some people are ignorant.  They are clueless and reciprocating in anyway is not part of their mindset.  It's not their way.  They're "too busy" to care or they simply don't care how you feel, period.  If you're miffed, you're miffed because you are the one who set yourself to be miffed.  Don't set yourself up for disappointment and disrespect anymore.  

I was once very generous with people.  Due to any calamity, emergency or tumult, I was the first to race to their doorstep with home cooked meals in tow.  I only reserve those gestures for a few people in my life who've earned this level of care, labor, expense and time from me.  In the past, I sewed quilts, potholders, trivets and aprons for them.  I loved making things for others.  Or, I would order online and have marvelous gifts shipped to their house.  I offered kind words of moral support.  I did this for neighbors, members of my community, church brethren, acquaintances, relatives, other in-laws and friends.  Then when they knew of 4 major surgeries within a year in my household, where were they?  They were nowhere to be seen nor heard.  It was crickets.  I went through great lengths to comfort others in my own way and when it was my turn to be in need, they all scattered to the four winds.  Therefore, nowadays, if people are kind to me, I'm kind to them but I no longer do more than what they had done or not done for me.  It's better to be fair and balanced regarding friendships and relationships.  

Some people grow accustomed to being spoiled and when I stopped being as generous as I was.  They wondered where all the freebies went.  Hmm.    🤨

It's better to concentrate on yourself and be kind to yourself first.  Then when you have time, resources, help, labor, attention and energy for others, make sure both of you don't put forth anymore effort than the other person does.  Be equal. 

 

 

 

You're absolutely right. 

And I've learned my lesson the hard way. I don't tutor her and won't ever again. 

Speaking of the Devil, she recently contacted me (I ignored it). She contacts me rarely but when she does, it's either to brag about her accomplishments or to ask for a favor. When I have an accomplishment of my own, she turns uncomfortable. She also tries to hold some things over my head (which I haven't achieved yet). 

It's ridiculous but deep down, I know she's insecure about herself. 

 

[Wiseman2]

25 minutes ago, Tonight.majestic said:

she recently contacted me (I ignored it). She contacts me rarely but when she does, it's either to brag about her accomplishments or to ask for a favor.

Make your New Year's resolution getting rid of dead weight and frenemies. Go through all your social media, messaging apps, contact lists and clear out junk.

Reset all your social media settings so you restrict your content to trusted people. Delete and block stale useless people.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Tonight.majestic said:

You're absolutely right. 

And I've learned my lesson the hard way. I don't tutor her and won't ever again. 

Speaking of the Devil, she recently contacted me (I ignored it). She contacts me rarely but when she does, it's either to brag about her accomplishments or to ask for a favor. When I have an accomplishment of my own, she turns uncomfortable. She also tries to hold some things over my head (which I haven't achieved yet). 

It's ridiculous but deep down, I know she's insecure about herself. 

 

If you think so poorly of her and her motives why did you choose to go all out for her as you did?

[Tonight.majestic]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

If you think so poorly of her and her motives why did you choose to go all out for her as you did?

Because at the time when I was doing it, she wasn't bragging and there was some manipulation on her part where she'd guilt trip me through various methods when I'd say no. She was a different person, then. But I suppose it had to do with wanting something from me. 

I do not hold it over her head what I've done for her whatsoever and I do not expect her to do me any favors but I've distanced myself from her and no longer offer her tutoring or help of any sorts. 

[Batya33]

7 minutes ago, Tonight.majestic said:

Because at the time when I was doing it, she wasn't bragging and there was some manipulation on her part where she'd guilt trip me through various methods when I'd say no. She was a different person, then. But I suppose it had to do with wanting something from me. 

I do not hold it over her head what I've done for her whatsoever and I do not expect her to do me any favors but I've distanced myself from her and no longer offer her tutoring or help of any sorts. 

You control you.  No one can “guilt” you and of course friends don’t guilt each other. So you were as they say in notice she wasn’t your friend.  So circle back to yourself and figure out why you chose to react by offering tutoring. Otherwise you’ll make these choices again with someone else.  I’m glad you’re not helping her anymore.  Now it’s time to do what if takes to help yourself and be honest with yourself. She wasn’t a different person.  You simply chose a reaction inconsistent with being a person with healthful boundaries 

[Tonight.majestic]

4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

You control you.  No one can “guilt” you and of course friends don’t guilt each other. So you were as they say in notice she wasn’t your friend.  So circle back to yourself and figure out why you chose to react by offering tutoring. Otherwise you’ll make these choices again with someone else.  I’m glad you’re not helping her anymore.  Now it’s time to do what if takes to help yourself and be honest with yourself. She wasn’t a different person.  You simply chose a reaction inconsistent with being a person with healthful boundaries 

You're right and I know better now. It was a good learning experience. And, now, having gone through that, I also take a good look at myself and try to be objective if I've taken advantage of others. 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Tonight.majestic said:

You're right and I know better now. It was a good learning experience. And, now, having gone through that, I also take a good look at myself and try to be objective if I've taken advantage of others. 

Do you feel you have an issue with that ?  Perhaps just case by case basis - give thought when you’re faced with situations involving requests for time or favors to check in with yourself. Contemplating your navel and trying to remember past instances I don’t believe leads to better choices because of the individuality of most of these situations.  For example I called my friend twice yesterday to return her call.  Voicemail. Then she texted that she’d be available at night.  I was technically available but not in the mood to talk.
So I honored my boundaries and told her I’d probably call today instead. Which I did.  Just take each situation as it comes. And practicing healthy boundaries is the best way to get better at it. As opposed to thinking about it abstractly.  In my opinion.  

[Cherylyn]

14 hours ago, Tonight.majestic said:

You're absolutely right. 

And I've learned my lesson the hard way. I don't tutor her and won't ever again. 

Speaking of the Devil, she recently contacted me (I ignored it). She contacts me rarely but when she does, it's either to brag about her accomplishments or to ask for a favor. When I have an accomplishment of my own, she turns uncomfortable. She also tries to hold some things over my head (which I haven't achieved yet). 

It's ridiculous but deep down, I know she's insecure about herself. 

 

Distance yourself from this friend and have her reduce her rank to an acquaintance in your life because  she hasn't earned the friend status. 

Beware of sociopaths.  Sociopaths nurture, cultivate and maintain friendships with you because eventually they want something from you whether it's your services, money, time, labor, attention or anything which will meet their own ends.  The sneaky part of this type of scheming is that you don't know that you owe, or beholden or entrapped until you're caught in their sinister web.  Beware. 

It's not just about tutoring either.  It can be anything extracted from you.  Never allow others to take advantage of your good heart.  Never be naive. 

At any rate, be a good judge of character.  If anyone doesn't behave honorably, then you need to back off and maintain a safe distance from questionable people in your life. 

[Spawn]

well there are many kind of people out there, but some feel like taking advantage of you even though you helped them out of kindness. You should slowly distance yourself from these kind as they add no value to your life.

[Cherylyn]

This world is full of people who will take advantage of your kindness.  It's the way of the world, unfortunately.

Granted, not everyone is this way but you have to be aware and never let your guard down in order to survive and maintain your sanity. 

Use your experience, intuition and gut instincts to help navigate you with friendships and relationships because it will save you a lot of grief.

Tread lightly.