Ex still stalling

[Màire Rua]

Hi all,

Was in 18 month relationship- I broke up with N17 in Feb 2021 due to him not willing to compromise moving down to my home place & both of us living together. He was living with his parents & coming to me in a rented house share situation. As I’m in my late 30’s ,I wanted to move forward to move in together . Since our break up we have remained in touch  & I met him twice -once recently . The feelings are still there on both sides. The big issue is -& I have highlighted this to him : he won’t get vaccinated -& I have 3 family members that are vulnerable with health issues & 1 of them was on a ventilator in the past . The other side of it - I’m not willing to have a man by my side where I can’t have my freedom go cinema / go on holiday etc.. where I am from COVID Cert is required for cinema / pubs etc / going out for breakfast . I fail to comprehend how he won’t take on board how I feel. I am giving him 1 last chance to turn around .I am meeting him before Xmas . I really love this man ,but I think his immediate family are dominating his decision making ,& I feel he needs extra support / counselling to build his self esteem etc . He has great potential, but has to overcome this hurdle 

 

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, Màire Rua said:

. He was living with his parents & coming to me in a rented house share situation. He has great potential.

The issue is not vaccinations, it's that he lives with his parents and you're sort of his BnB with benefits.

He's also not interested in moving to where you are.

You're trying to fix and change him. How old is he? He's not your child to reraise according to your needs and expectations.

Dating is a what you see is what you get situation. It's not a let's remake this person.

You'll have to accept that you are incompatible and that it's over.

There's no "hurdles" to overcome. There's your way and his way and they don't align.

[redswim30]

1 hour ago, Màire Rua said:

He has great potential, but has to overcome this hurdle 

 

It really boils down to this.  "Great potential" is a toxic phrase for any relationship.  Because what that really means is, "I don't love who they really are NOW but I'm hoping someday that I can turn them into who I want them to be."  You need to love someone as they are now, as there are never any guarantees of someone changing into who you think they "could" be. (And IMVHO, that rarely happens anyway)

Don't fool yourself.  This isn't a "hurdle", this is who he is.  He doesn't view it as a problem and never will.  If this is deal breaker for you, better to be honest with yourself NOW. 

I say this all the time.  People put too much stock into FEELINGS as the key indicator of a successful relationship.  Feelings are fleeting- they come and go, even in the BEST of relationships, but feelings are also not enough of a foundation.  I believe people can have tons of feelings for tons of people within their lifetime- it does NOT mean you would or will make successful life partners.  You need compatibility, trust, empathy, compromise, kindness, honesty, forgiveness.  Without those things, all the FEELINGS in the world can't compete.  

Time to be honest with yourself.  There are people out there that will share your values that you can/will also have feelings for. 

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, Màire Rua said:

I think his immediate family are dominating his decision making ,& I feel he needs extra support / counselling to build his self esteem etc . He has great potential, but has to overcome this hurdle

You may feel this way, yes, but does he?

I agree with your stance on vaccinations, but you can't force someone to be who you want them to be. He doesn't appear to want to change his core beliefs and values, so your best bet is to recognize that he isn't compatible with you and keep moving. 

[Coily]

On the vaccination, brow beating him will only serve to drive a wedge. It's his body and decision, and his consequences.

It really sounds like there are deeper relationship issues than what you are hyper focused on. The best thing you can do is encourage him to find his own path, but if you suspect his family are dominating him how is that different from you wanting him to move?

Might be best to let an ex be an ex.

[catfeeder]

You haven't even overcome the first things that broke you up, so his vaccination status is irrelevant.

Don't distract yourself from the real problem. 

[Jibralta]

On 12/7/2021 at 8:33 AM, redswim30 said:

"Great potential" is a toxic phrase for any relationship.

Amen.

[itsallgrand]

He's not stalling. He doesn't want what you want. 

You are trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. 

[LootieTootie]

Obviously he doesn't want you enough to change. If he had realized he needed to grow up, he would have jumped on the opportunity long time ago.

Time to accept him for who he is instead of making excuses for him.

[Lambert]

As with any disappointment it's complicated.  And I think we can understand how that feels.  But you're making a mistake and you're finding ways to justify it. 

Feelings are still there.  of course they are, you are still in contact and he is part of your life and thoughts. 

His family is domineering. As previously stated, this is from YOUR perspective. It might not be how you and your family relate or act. However, this is his family, his priorities, his choice. Not yours.

The vaccine choice difference and moving are deal breakers.

You say you're giving him another chance.  Another chance for what?  To enjoy his company and like him?  You already do.  That's not the problem. 

He's the problem, he's not giving you another chance or I guess he is. because the only chance is one of you gives in to the other.  

So that means..  he is not moving, not getting the vaccine, nothing changes but YOU CHANGE. 

You accept this and you live with it.