He's sending mixed signals

[JadeJudy]

Sooo I’ve met this guy like 3 months ago, we started talking and we really clicked. We talked everyday and he complimented me a lot. He always said I was beautiful and that he liked me. (He once even said ily, omg haha) So he asked me to meet up with him a couple of times, but I always said no because I was scared haha. (I'm shy, okay) After a while, he was like ‘now we’re gonna meet or I’m coming to your house!’ hahaha so I met him while we were going out. We went on a walk and we talked and kissed and it was really fun. The day after, he said he had a lot of fun so things were going really well.
After that, we continued to text everyday and we met up a couple times (always while going out) and he even slept with me. (he asked to meet up after work too but I denied it, so he didn’t just want to meet while going out) He also told his friends about me and asked me to come to his work with my family because he wanted to see them. So things were going well, but one day I had the feeling he didn’t text as much as before. He didn’t reply dry or anything, but he didn’t ask me stuff back, so the conversation stopped. (you have to know, I’m an overthinker) Then one night (like 2 weeks ago) he was out and texted me ‘I want you xx’ and called me, so I met up with him. We had fun and the day after he said he loved that he had seen me again, so I was really happy.
The 2 following days, I initiated contact. (Normally, it's 50/50, but I tend to send him more often) The day after, I didn’t send him anything to see what he would do. He didn’t send me anything. So after 2 days of silence, I send him a message again and he responded but again, not asking me anything. The day after the same story. So I stopped initiating again and we didn’t talk for a week..
He’s friends with my niece and he told her he was having some trouble and that he then always becomes distant, but that he still liked me and it wasn’t my fault. I was a bit sceptical (still am haha) but I gave him the benefit of the doubt. After all, I really like him and just a week before, he said he liked me, so yeah. I send him a message again, asking him if he was still alive, but he didn’t open my message for a whole day.. (he did reply to others) In the evening, he replied with ‘yess haha’ So I asked if something was wrong (bc of the silence) and he said ‘No, why?’, so I said he was being a bit quiet, which he ignored again for a whole day. I was a bit mad (well to be fair, more sad) and ignored his reply for a day too. (I know, childish but I didn’t feel like replying) So I eventually opened, and it said that he was having some trouble and that he became distant, same thing he told my niece. I was glad he didn’t just give me a dry reply, and decided to trust the answer. So I send him a nice message that he could always talk to me etc.
Buttt then, my niece and I were going out and he was too. I walked past him and he looked away, like ‘*** she’s here’ I was really sad after that. (UPDATE: he told my niece that he was calling and didn’t see us, but I’m not quite sure..) So the rest of the night, I didn’t went to talk to him or anything, I felt a bit stupid. But when I got home, I saw that he had send me a message saying ‘hahahaha okey’ (to that he could always talk to me, but I made a joke at the end) and ‘hahaha I don’t have a place to sleep’ So I was confused. Mad that he looked away and happy that he send me a message. If he really didn’t like me, he would reply dry right..? But he doesn’t continue the conversation either. Because I told him ‘normally, you fix that before going out’ and he replied with ‘hahahahhah’. (But like, more ha's than normal? So enthousiastic.. told you I overthink  )
Now I send him a message again and he hasn’t replied yet (send it at 10 in the morning) I just am confused. (again, he did send to others) He really liked me and I liked him, and then all of the sudden, he drifts away.. It would just be a pity to stop talking because we get along really well. Maybe it’s because I didn’t meet up with him enough.. I’m just not someone who moves into things quickly. But I’m definitely willing to do so, now that I know him a bit better. It’s not even that I have feelings yet, I just wanted to see where things would go. I know he’s sending mixed signals, which isn’t good, but maybe I can regain his interest? Because he did like me. I’m really sad this happened and I don’t really know what to do next. Should I say something about it? Should I just act normal? Should I stop talking? Would be sad to lose him, even as a friend. I know I seem desperate (maybe a lil) but I just don't have a lot of experience with relationships and I wanted to give you all the details so I could really get your honest opinion. I could use some of your advice haha.

 

[reinventmyself]

15 minutes ago, JadeJudy said:

 I know he’s sending mixed signals, which isn’t good, but maybe I can regain his interest? Because he did like me. I’m really sad this happened and I don’t really know what to do next. Should I say something about it? Should I just act normal? Should I stop talking? 

 

I am sorry this is happening.

You say you don't have much experience dating and this is a good, yet uncomfortable lesson.  When someone is giving you mixed signals, they aren't really interested.  They are hoping you get frustrated (like you are) with the nonsense and leave.   A guy that really likes you will not risk losing you.  Period.

Mixed signals = no go

If a guy really likes you, you will know it and he will make it known by his actions and his consistency.

You are way too valuable to try to regain someone's interest after they have turned to playing games with you and not responding.  Don't participate and stop contacting him.  

Dating is tough sometimes.   It's typical to come out of the gate strong and then after some interactions decide that you aren't a match.  Next time meet him earlier.  No more long periods of electronic communication that builds an unrealistic anticipation that rarely matches reality.   It's in real life that you take it slow and decide whether he's worthy of your time.

[reinventmyself]

 . . I read some previous posts of yours and you seem to have a pattern of making excuses for men who treat you poorly.

This isn't the first time someone starts to back peddle and blame yourself for having done something wrong.  You talk yourself into the fact that he really likes you, despite evidence otherwise.  You tell yourself he merely has issues opening up.  And if you continue to be patient and plot out ways to contact him to win him back.  People who have issues opening up are people you should pass on.

This must be really disappointing.  But I promise you, if you learn to read the signals of disinterest and toxic personalities very early on, you can close the doors on these guys and leave yourself available for more suitable partners.

Engaging in all of this for too long leads to collateral damage and continues to further shape your naïve dating habits.   

[JadeJudy]

I know, but I don't have feelings for him yet so I don't expect him to do so. I just want to keep talking and put in more effort by meeting, if he would give me the chance. I think we could be a match. When we met, we could talk really easily and he was really cute. I talked to a guy friend about this and he told me the guy really wanted me if he did al of the things I told him he did. That can't disappear in a week right.. It's not like anything happened. And why would he tell my niece it's not my fault and still reply all enthousiastic? I know the situation is bad but this still gives me a bit hope. It's not like he hates me, so can't I still redeem myself? Or do you really think he can't regain interest?..
I just hate losing people, that's why I always do this. This sucks.

[Kwothe28]

He keeps you there in case he is bored. Other then that, there is nothing mixed about this. This is not serious. Would even argue that it never was. He "sweet talked" you into sex. Knows that now he has you on the hook and that is it for his feelings. I mean you do know what this means?

55 minutes ago, JadeJudy said:

hahaha I don’t have a place to sleep

I dont blame you for being confused. You assumed some connection and acted on that. But he used that and keeps you there. But will never commit to anything other then "booty call" when he needs some. Sorry it happened, but yes, if they dont want to initiate contact and anything more then just few sentences every now and then, you have to assume they wont commit. Look further if you are not looking for anything more then physical thing.

[JadeJudy]

Well I thought about that too, but then he wouldn't talk to his friends about me and want to meet my family right? He's genuinly nice. And I would be happy too if we were just friends, just not the uncertainty there is now. When he finally texts back, do you think I should say something about it? But I also don't want to push him even further away.. What do you think I should do? Assuming I still want to give it a chance.

[reinventmyself]

17 minutes ago, JadeJudy said:

I know, but I don't have feelings for him yet so I don't expect him to do so. I just want to keep talking and put in more effort by meeting, if he would give me the chance. I think we could be a match. When we met, we could talk really easily and he was really cute. I talked to a guy friend about this and he told me the guy really wanted me if he did al of the things I told him he did. That can't disappear in a week right.. It's not like anything happened. And why would he tell my niece it's not my fault and still reply all enthousiastic? I know the situation is bad but this still gives me a bit hope. It's not like he hates me, so can't I still redeem myself? Or do you really think he can't regain interest?..
I just hate losing people, that's why I always do this. This sucks.

The situation is bad, yet you still hold out hope he will give you a chance to redeem yourself and regain interest?  My Dear, you didn't do anything wrong and when you continue to chase after someone's interest when it's not reciprocated you risk appearing desperate and in turn he will lose respect for you.

Respect yourself.  We all hate losing people.  But your challenge here is to not get attached to people so quickly, learn to walk away when they show a lack of character, interest or when things become lopsided.

Consider people in life your life as honored guests.  They don't deserve to be in you life unless they treat you with kindness and respect.  Period.  Life becomes a whole lot easier when you have higher self esteem and surround yourself with quality people who genuinely care about you.

Don't chase men.  It's unattractive.   Sorry for the directness, but I think you need to hear that.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, JadeJudy said:

I’ve met this guy like 3 months ago. we met up a couple times (always while going out) and he even slept with me. 

Was it ever established that you were dating or exclusive? How many dates have you been on with him?

It seems like way too much texting and not enough dating. Is he married/living with someone?

You keep saying we "I met him while we were going out".  What does that mean? You ran into him or were going out on dates with him?

 He's just not that interested, unfortunately. Stop texting this much. See if he steps up to actual dating .

[reinventmyself]

6 minutes ago, JadeJudy said:

Well I thought about that too, but then he wouldn't talk to his friends about me and want to meet my family right? 

But this was in the very beginning, correct?   Over time his behavior changed into something entirely different.  You need to focus on that.

[JadeJudy]

@Wiseman2 No, we weren't exclusive, but I've only known him for 3 months.. I think that's a bit fast, no? And he had asked me to meet up but I just always said no because of trust issues since the previous guy haha. And we asked each other every week if we went out and then we would always go to each other and go sit somewhere alone. And yes we didn't meet up, but that's totally my fault. That's also why I want to regain his interest. He really tried. So if that's the reson I want to make up for it.
And @reinventmyself yes but 2 weeks ago he said he loved he'd seen me, just randomly after a conversation. So it's not been that long. 

It's not like anything happened, so why should I stop talking to him if we clicked? Wouldn't it be a pity? 

[Kwothe28]

38 minutes ago, JadeJudy said:

Well I thought about that too, but then he wouldn't talk to his friends about me and want to meet my family right?

Did he actually did it or just told you that? Did you met his friends? Did he introduced you to them? Did he said that you are his girl or just some random chick?

Words without actions are nothing. He also said he loves you. His actions dont match that either. His interest should be high if he wants you. Instead he goes to club and doesnt even see you. But then initiates "booty call" after. Again, you assume that he is interested in more. His actions tell you differently. So, trust that.

[Wiseman2]

35 minutes ago, JadeJudy said:

 he had asked me to meet up but I just always said no because of trust issues since the previous guy haha.  And yes we didn't meet up, but that's totally my fault.

Unfortunately you seem to be sending "mixed messages" by refusing to date. If you are not ready to date 'due to trust issues',  then take a break.

No, 3 months is not too soon to be exclusive if you are actually dating regularly and intimate. No one is looking for a text buddy that just pushes him away.

[JadeJudy]

@Kwothe28 No he actually did, I saw all of his friends suddenly looking at me while he talked to them haha. They also followed me on instagram and some of them were there when we hung out. He once asked me to send him a picture so he could show me to his best friend. That's good right? haha. And in the club, I was avoiding him because I felt akward after the incident. 

But I'm thinking of sending him this message (when he replies):

'Hey XX, you're making it clear, but ignoring me isn't really the best solution haha'

'I just don't want it to become akward because I do think you're a fun guy'

It sounds better in my language haha. Should I sent it? Or would you be like '***' if you recieved it haha. I just know I'll drive myself insane if I don't get awnsers, did that last time too. (and I'm already doing it  ) 

 

[boltnrun]

In July you said you learned a lot from the last guy you got overly attached to without actually dating him.

Can you explain exactly what it is you learned from that, and how you're applying what you learned to this situation?

[reinventmyself]

19 minutes ago, JadeJudy said:

@Kwothe28 No he actually did, I saw all of his friends suddenly looking at me while he talked to them haha. They also followed me on instagram and some of them were there when we hung out. He once asked me to send him a picture so he could show me to his best friend. That's good right? haha. And in the club, I was avoiding him because I felt akward after the incident. 

But I'm thinking of sending him this message (when he replies):

'Hey XX, you're making it clear, but ignoring me isn't really the best solution haha'

'I just don't want it to become akward because I do think you're a fun guy'

It sounds better in my language haha. Should I sent it? Or would you be like '***' if you recieved it haha. I just know I'll drive myself insane if I don't get awnsers, did that last time too. (and I'm already doing it  ) 

 

His lack of responding is your answer.  Don't keep asking the same question.

[Andrina]

3 hours ago, JadeJudy said:

I send him a message again, asking him if he was still alive,

Your whole post reeks of your lack of self-esteem. You can't think much of yourself to reach out to someone who has ignored you repeatedly. People are regularly bombarded with problems and daily stress. If he was truly going through something and was into you, he'd let you know he had to deal with it and give you a timeline where he could make an effort in dating you. Instead, he went silent and was rewarded with you offering to be his shoulder to cry on.

You exude the aura you're giving out to the world--that you're fearful of trusting a guy, that you put up walls, but on the other side of the coin, as soon as he utters his pretty words, you cling to him like a barnacle even as he tries to pry you off. Dysfunction attracts dysfunction, so until you work on your self-worth, you're bound to repeat this pattern again and again.

Never take what anyone says as fact or a huge sign of fluffy emotions as meaning you'll be together longterm at this beginning stage. That's when hormones are running amuck. Good signs are when a guy is patient about not being intimate. He wants to get to know you and is happy spending time with you doing other things besides making out. When you give the gift of your body before you know the guy's intentions, it makes a woman want to bond with a guy if he's not right for her. A lot more hormones are released in a woman that causes this--far fewer released in the man which is why men don't experience this same phenomenon as often.

I'd suggest not dating again until you boost your self worth, and can date without fear (think of it as enjoying someone's company for the moment with a wait-and-see attitude). Learn to cut people off who don't give as much effort as they get. Read books on how to date wisely. 

And no, you can no longer be friends. You've crossed that boundary by having sex. No new guy you begin to date will want to continue if he finds out you chat with a guy you boinked. Why you'd want a friend who drifted away from you anyway is mind boggling to me. Most people move away from pain and move toward positivity. You have a lot of work to do on yourself since your behavior is strange in that you're doing the opposite of this.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, JadeJudy said:

But I'm thinking of sending him this message (when he replies):

'Hey XX, you're making it clear, but ignoring me isn't really the best solution haha'

What exactly do you want from him? Texting? Passing by each other in clubs? Occasional hookups? Because until you're clear on what you want it will be confusing.

You claim he knows your niece? How old is he?

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, JadeJudy said:

But I'm thinking of sending him this message (when he replies):

'Hey XX, you're making it clear, but ignoring me isn't really the best solution haha'

'I just don't want it to become akward because I do think you're a fun guy"

No, don't send him this. 

It sounds too desperate. It's better to accept the fact that his lack of contact means he's not into you the way you're into him, and bow out. 

 

[JadeJudy]

Yes I need to work on my self-esteem but I met him and we just talked the whole night. He made me happy again, after all the sadness I went through with the previous guy. He was there at the right time. And it's not like he forced me into being intimate. And he did put in the effort. And I know I shouldn't treat him distantly because someone else hurt me, but I was just being careful. I'm new to all of this you know. I just didn't know you should move so quickly while dating haha. I just think that's the reason he lost interest, not my personality, which is why I hope I can fix it. Is that so bad? And I'm not defending his actions, I just want to say he's not a bad guy. But now he isn't treating me like he should, I'm aware. Also you say that I shouldn't just trust his words, but I know I have these trust-issues, which is why I believe(d) him.

And @Wiseman2 I don't know yet. I don't have feelings but I want to get to know him. I feel like we could end up as a couple, but if the feelings don't come, we could be really good friends. Also, I think I wouldn't mind occasional hookups. It's good to get a bit out of my comfort zone. And yes, he works with my niece. He's 18, I'm a bit older.

I think to just stop talking is a bit childish and I want/need some clarity for my own good. I think I deserve that. So I think I'll send that message to see what he has to say. That seems pretty decent to me? 

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, JadeJudy said:

He's 18, I'm a bit older.

 I think I'll send that message to see what he has to say. 

Why not ask him to go for coffee and have a nice day out? No clubs, no silly games, no manipulative texts.

It seems like he's not responding precisely because of the weird texts your sending, so sending more will just turn him off further.

By a bit older do you mean a couple of years or your niece is closer to his age.

Why not date more mature men who are interested in you?

[Batya33]

You’re not working on your self esteem at all if your excuse is what you wrote after “but”.  I love how Andrina put this.  I agree. He’s not that into you.  And you played games in the beginning. It’s all “ha ha I’m shy” and then you seem to get off on being “chased” and him threatening to come to your house. It’s all very princessy and entitled and then you have sex on the first or second or third time you meet. Huh?  
That’s why I agree with the others. It’s not about sweet words and being the shy damsel in low self esteem distress who has to be swooped up and rescued. Not if you want an actual healthy relationship. it’s fun for causal hookups. Please stop sending yourself mixed signals.  

I don’t think your interactions with him bode well for a friendship. You’ve been sexual with him and want more despite you saying you don’t have. “Feelings”.  Your actions are someone trying to convince this person to be with you. Because you feel like it. Those are the feelings that tell me this isn’t a situation on which to build a friendship. 

[Jibralta]

21 hours ago, reinventmyself said:

Mixed signals = no go

Bottom line, right here. 

16 hours ago, JadeJudy said:

He's 18, I'm a bit older.

It's no surprise that he's acting like a kid. Find a guy your own age, or older. 

[JadeJudy]

@Wiseman2 I'd love to ask him out, but isn't it weird to do so now? I don't want to come off as pushy. I want a bit more green flags first haha. And I didn't send him weird texts at all, just normal conversations about his day etc. Never anything serious about emotions. My niece is a year younger than him, but why does that matter? It's just a coincidence they work together. 

@Batya33 I'm not playing any games, I really am not that kind of a person. I never talk to guys in a romantic setting so I'm not familiar with dating at all. That's why I came here for advice, not to be attacked. I'm not dumb, I know he isn't as interested as he used to be. But I see the potential and I just wondered if I could do anything to regain it, because I feel like I could have tried harder. It's only now that I see that (yess, growth haha) And if you think that's pathetic, well it could be. But I just don't like cutting people out of my life, I don't see the point in that. When I see him, I don't want it to be an akward situation. We're just 2 people who get along really well and I would be sad to let that go. 

Also today, he immediately awnsered to all of my messages. He didn't ask me stuff but he also wasn't dry or anything. Yes, it's the bare minimum but it's an upgrade from being ignored for a day haha. So I didn't end up sending him that message. Don't know what I'm gonna do tomorrow yet.

Ohh also, I was trying to tell you I don't want to cut him off for giving mixed signals because I have mixed feelings myself. I think it's normal with the amount of times we have met, which is why I would like to get to now him better. Then we could either become a couple, stay friends or decide we should go our own ways. That's the ideal situation imo, and that's why I don't want him to fade away just yet. I guess that makes a bit more clear how I feel about it.

[SooSad33]

On 11/20/2021 at 5:26 PM, JadeJudy said:

Yes I need to work on my self-esteem but I met him and we just talked the whole night. He made me happy again, after all the sadness I went through with the previous guy. He was there at the right time. And it's not like he forced me into being intimate. And he did put in the effort. And I know I shouldn't treat him distantly because someone else hurt me, but I was just being careful

All of this & you have trust issue's?

Meaning you're still affected or not over your ex?  Not good.

One should NOT feel the need to run into someone else's arms to try & get over an ex.. or because they are needy/ feel lonely.  A good frame of mind is best and to not be still affected by an ex.  But, to go into a new relationship stable & comfortable/happy.

Yes, maybe you do need some work on self .  Not over react because this dude hasn't messaged you too much lately... could be because yes, he may have some of his own issue's going on and also because the 'honeymoon phase' is over.

So, you can choose to lay back and take it as it comes.. w/out assumptions.  People can push other's away being over bearing.

Sounds like you're willing to give this more time.  Fine, but be careful or you will push him away.  Plus, remember, yes communication is important!  So, if you feel he continues to do this push/pull, Don't sit back & take it.  Find out what he's doing this for, because I feel IF someone is truly into you you'll know it, not be confused on where you stand.

 

[Batya33]

I believe you are playing games with yourself. I believe it’s not a good look to keep rejecting the opportunity to meet in person out of “shyness” to the point where he’s claiming he’s going to come to your home unannounced- and then when you finally agree to meet him you’re not too shy to get sexual right away. It could come across as playing games.