Reconnecting and Trying

[Inigo]

She and I met on a dating app in August and dated until the end of Oct. We hit it off immediately, had long discussions on what work we've done to better ourselves and what we want out of a relationship. I'd say we saw each other 12 times, but never went beyond deep kissing and a little bit of neck kissing. (She'd mentioned about how previous guys would always assume that being invited to her place meant it was naked time and that she appreciated that I was letting things happen at her speed.) Officially BF/GF for about a month before she calls to tell me that she's not feeling it. She's missing the "spark" and even though I'm an amazing guy who she thinks the world of, she doesn't see a path forward. We spoke in-person a day later and she made her feeling about the spark clear. 5 days later, she texts and wants to meetup to talk...to which I agree.

We talk, she mentions how much she missed me in that time, how much she didn't realize she'd hurt with not having me in her life. Asked if I'd be willing to reconnect and give us a shot. I agreed and over a few ensuing phone calls, she pointed out a few things which may have hindered her feeling the spark. (My breath and my cologne...both easily resolved.) We're moving forward, but obviously my emotions are on high alert...to the point of probably overreacting. Anytime she seems to take a while to contact me, I worry that she's not feeling it again. She's made sure that I know that's not the case (I've not brought it up at all), but until we can have time together to bring out the passion...I'm going to start going grey!

How do I step outside of myself, allow things to flow, and show her my hot, sweet, and playful sides? I want to give this my best effort.

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, Inigo said:

She's missing the "spark" and even though I'm an amazing guy who she thinks the world of, she doesn't see a path forward. she pointed out a few things which may have hindered her feeling the spark. (My breath and my cologne...both easily resolved.)

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately she is trying to friendzone you and giving you all sorts of reasons. Don't jump through all these hoops. just tell her nice to know you, bye and move forward to some who is more enthused about you.

[waffle]

Yes, you are setting yourself up for the Friendzone.  She wants to keep you around while she continues to look.

[Batya33]

I think she missed you a lot and realized she was throwing away a good guy but then realized she cash force herself to feel chemistry.  

So now she’s dating you - and got you back so no more “absence makes the heart feel fonder” but what she thought meant she has a spark - missing you - she realizes now it was just a fear of missing out on a good guy.
I’d have a direct and non accusing conversation- tell her it’s best if you don’t continue seeing each other if she’s still not really feeling it. See what she says. I’m sorry - I know this is hard. 

[Inigo]

I don't understand the flirty and sexual texts. The energy she exhibits in our calls. The fact that she's said she's into me and wants to give us a try, including the physicality and intimacy.

[Kwothe28]

I dont understand what you are asking. You had 12 dates with that girl over a few months. Infamous "the spark" is either there or not. You cant just magically create it, she either thinks you are good for her or not.

And there in lies your confusion about the whole thing. She "dangles the keys" in front of you but will never give you the car to drive. Meaning that she will get flirty over text and calls, but hits the brakes when you get together. Because she would like for you to be there but will never cross that line with you. No matter how hard you try to prove to her something. She will always yank that keys in the last minute with "Oh, you know, no spark there lol". 

What I am trying to say is that its not you who is the problem here. You are "the placeholder" until somebody else comes up. Just somebody who is there orbiting until some other guy takes that keys from her and drives away with her. And the soon you realize that, the better.

[Capricorn3]

2 hours ago, Inigo said:

I don't understand the flirty and sexual texts. The energy she exhibits in our calls. The fact that she's said she's into me and wants to give us a try, including the physicality and intimacy.

She's messing you around while she looks for another guy.  She enjoys the attention and you are a convenience until she finds someone better.  Don't give her that satisfaction. She's messing with you and you'll only get hurt.  Time to close the door on this one.

[Andrina]

After 12 dates, if she was truly into you, she would have asked you to fix the breath and cologne instead of dumping you.

She's still not into you and likes the ego boost--having an extreme fan. She's selfish, knowing she's getting the attention she wants even if it means leaving you frustrated and unsatisfied.

A beautiful face and body doesn't mean a person has a beautiful heart.

She's going to dump you all over again or fade away. Use the power of self-worth and don't let this happen. Step away yourself. Block and delete. The right woman will make it crystal clear how into you she is. Hold out for her.

[Lambert]

2 hours ago, Andrina said:

She's going to dump you all over again or fade away. Use the power of self-worth and don't let this happen. Step away yourself. Block and delete. The right woman will make it crystal clear how into you she is. Hold out for her.

I agree! 

The VERY best thing you can do for your own mental health and self esteem is dump her. 

This woman is not looking out for you, she's just needy for attention. 

[Rose Mosse]

Good grief. I would never ask someone to change their breath or cologne, this short into dating someone. That is definitely one way to snap someone's legs right out from under them. I understand you're into her but the hot/cold is unappealing and I'm sure you realize that she's unpredictable and goes back on her word. 

She also didn't need to bring up other men or other dates being over at her place. This is distasteful overall. She's with you so why should other men have any influence over how she feels or thinks. I don't think she is in an ok enough place to date. 

 

[reinventmyself]

12 dates and an attachment forms.  Even in spite of a lack of chemistry and other things mentioned. 

Saying goodbye to really nice people is never easy.  Her reason to run back is to fill the uncomfortable void she felt and not because she had some epiphany that you were the one.  I might have done the same when I was younger, until I realized how incredibly selfish it was.  If I put enough thought into breaking up with someone, the kindest thing to do was to leave them entirely alone.  Anything else was self serving.  

Remember, people usually take a great deal of time making these decisions.  Her choice to leave was not impulsive.  Her choice to return likely is.

It's very likely it will be a matter of time before she realizes the chemistry can't be manufactured.  

I could be wrong.  I've seen it happen, but in the meantime when you should be riding the high of new love and passion, you are instead feeling insecure and walking on eggs shells.  This surely doesn't bring out the best of you.    Ultimately relationships that start this way continue to feel lopsided.

Why not hold out for someone who is just as crazy about you?   

In the meantime, the trust has been broken.  You should be treading very carefully until which time it's turned around.   It's perfectly normal to feel the way you are feeling. 

 

[SooSad33]

Yeah, she mentioned no real spark after a a few months ( and 12 dates). 😕 

Then, to let you 'come back' after your having to 'fix' a couple things? I'd be uncertain as well!

I feel that one should know in this time whether that person is a go.. or not.

So, for her to push you away then say okay, come back.. Like what?  Why?

Is maybe best to tell her to get real... Not lead you on again.

If it were me.. after 12 dates, then to pull away, I'd have stayed away.

IF they are truly into you, you'll know it.