Finding no success on dating apps, way too hard to meet people IRL atm, everything just seems hopeless

[sodahonda123]

I'm a 26 year old heterosexual man and I've never been in a relationship.  The closest relationship I had was when I talked to a girl for an entire year during the pandemic.  After seeing each other three times in person, she finally told me that she just could not see past me being a good friend.  I've been on and off dating apps for a very long time now and I've never been successful in them because I simply just can't get matches.  I have a financially stable career, and everyone I've asked for advice says that I have a good personality including my therapist.  I'm not convinced that the reason I've always been unsuccessful with the opposite sex is because I'm just plain unattractive or not good enough for women nowadays.  Dating to me right now feels so competitive.  It's no longer about being the right person to someone or finding someone that's right for you.  Rather, it's about being the best "option".  I have to be better than all the other single men and that means being more physically fit than them, smarter, and being wealthier.  I absolutely hate this because it puts so much pressure on me as someone who literally just wants to find someone compatible with them.  But now, I have to physically fit, I have to play games with women so I don't look desperate, I have to make sure I don't look like a simp so I can't be too nice I have to be mean too because apparently that's what most people want nowadays.   

 

Long story short, everything just seems hopeless for average looking men nowadays- end rant.  

[waffle]

Do you know how to date?  What sorts of things did you do on the three dates you went on with the person you chatted with for a year?

What does a relationship consist of, for you?

 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, sodahonda123 said:

 have to play games with women so I don't look desperate

I can't be too nice I have to be mean too because apparently that's what most people want

If this is your philosophy, it's no wonder you can't get dates. Get off the pickup artist sites that advise this nonsense.

[sodahonda123]

11 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

If this is your philosophy, it's no wonder you can't get dates. Get off the pickup artist sites that advise this nonsense.

I don't want this to be my philosophy.  It's a ***ty philosophy but based on my experiences so far it certainly feels like this is reality.  Every time I'm being myself I am told I am too nice.  

[sodahonda123]

43 minutes ago, waffle said:

Do you know how to date?  What sorts of things did you do on the three dates you went on with the person you chatted with for a year?

What does a relationship consist of, for you?

 

I'm not sure if I know how since I don't have a lot of experience.  We mostly hung out in my car, a restaurant and a movie.  Didn't do too much b/c of the pandemic.  Just when the pandemic was starting to ease off with the vaccine and I was getting more comfortable going out I was told that she doesn't see me anything more than a romantic interest and there's no chance of our relationship becoming anything more than friendship even though I was everything she was looking for in a significant other.  She kept saying constantly that it wasn't me it was her which honestly made me feel a lot worse.  The only thing I can conclude is she just wasn't attracted to me physically because we cliqued in every other avenue (similar personalities, interests, professions, etc.

[catfeeder]

55 minutes ago, sodahonda123 said:

I don't want this to be my philosophy.  It's a ***ty philosophy but based on my experiences so far it certainly feels like this is reality.  Every time I'm being myself I am told I am too nice.  

How many people have you met in person from the dating apps?

Most people are NOT our match. The whole point of meeting is to screen out bad matches, and that requires a thick enough skin to withstand the search for a needle in the haystack.

The goal isn't to compete with anyone else, it's to find the person who attracts you AND views YOU through the right lens. Odds are, that will NOT be most people.

Same is true for all of us. 

Hang in there, and head high.

[Jibralta]

1 hour ago, sodahonda123 said:

Every time I'm being myself I am told I am too nice.  

So you think the solution is to be something or someone that you're not? And then you're stuck pretending to be be something or someone that you're not for the rest of your life. 

Terrible idea.

That's going to get very tiring. Not to mention cumbersome and totally unrewarding. 

You're only 26. Relax a little bit. Adjust your time table to fit with the rest of the planet. Everything isn't going to happen the second you want it to happen. 

[sodahonda123]

50 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

How many people have you met in person from the dating apps?

Most people are NOT our match. The whole point of meeting is to screen out bad matches, and that requires a thick enough skin to withstand the search for a needle in the haystack.

The goal isn't to compete with anyone else, it's to find the person who attracts you AND views YOU through the right lens. Odds are, that will NOT be most people.

Same is true for all of us. 

Hang in there, and head high.

I haven't met a single person from the apps because I just can't seem to get matches.  

[waffle]

5 hours ago, sodahonda123 said:

Dating to me right now feels so competitive.  It's no longer about being the right person to someone or finding someone that's right for you.  Rather, it's about being the best "option".   

Can't disagree with this.  The trend is towards dehumanization; people submit their pictures to be evaluated like a piece of meat, and the first meeting is simply to compare the person to the picture and call out the "liars."  Meeting someone IRL is marginally better although you will still run into some element of shallowness and superficiality.

I really think the secret is, besides having a "good personality" and other phrases which don't mean a heck of a lot, is to have realistic expectations.  If you're an average person with average looks, don't aim for the bleached blonde hotties with big fake knockers because you're "not attracted" to those who are more in your league.  And know how to treat a woman well--don't have a chip on your shoulder about spending too much money or feeling like you're owed something--dating is not a transaction.  I'm not saying you're doing any of these things, I wouldn't know if you are or you aren't, but those things are turn-offs.  Have interests, because those who are interesting HAVE interests.

And don't be afraid to ditch dating apps if they're discouraging you.  There are plenty of clubs and singles groups and meetups if you're willing to do the research.

[Batya33]

Might seem like an obvious question but why do you want to be in a relationship? Also what activities do you do (including pre covid) where you interact with people in or around your age group? 

[sadchick83]

Dating apps are not for everyone.  I was listening to  podcast over the weekend and  the author mentioned if they were successful, the apps would be bragging about their awesome statistics in actually meeting someone for more than just a hook-up. Make sense as they have a huge amount of statistical data. 

Can you allude to what you look like? It might be helpful.

 

 

[Kwothe28]

Well you did chose online dating. Where girls in general have a lot of matches and where you have to separate yourself from the flock in order to get a chance. In a competative conditions like that, you would have to at least have something that separates you, whether its a looks or just very good communication skills. As you are unexperienced, you probably dont have both. Also dating apps have something I call "the illusion of choice". And where if you even find somebody decent you always wonder if there is something better around the corner. Its not for somebody inexperienced who cant deal with stuff like ghosting, rejection etc. So, as you dont have a good time there, avoid them in general. Better pick some other form of dating.

Also, I think "inexperience" part is more of the issue here. You "dated" a "time waster". A girl that wasnt that into you but there was nothing there on the horizon so she persisted because she was boring and there wasnt anybody else or to maybe see if there is something going on. As nothing did, she at the end cut you off. Instead of you maybe seeing that any girl that just see you 3 times in a year just wastes your time and cutting her off. You need to see stuff like that and react. Stay if the girl shows interest and leave if the girl is flacky like that. 

[smackie9]

It's not the dating apps fault, it's not the women. Get a dating coach. They will be blunt with you in what you need to do to turn things around.

[BeaTlesFan77]

Sometimes I wonder if IRL is a thing of the past the way things are right now. 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, beatlesfan77 said:

Sometimes I wonder if IRL is a thing of the past the way things are right now. 

My friend's son who is in his 20s met his now serious girlfriend last year through a dating site, after he'd recovered from covid.  But yes it's tough going right now!