Suggesting Open Relationship to Long Term Girlfriend

[AnyHelpPlz123]

My girlfriend and I have been together since we were 16 and have both never been in another relationship. We are in college and live together. We both have the same interests and love each other's company. There's no one else that I would want to get married to and spend the rest of my life with.

However, the longer we live together, the less sex we seem to have (one point it was once every 4 weeks). It felt terrible to bring this issue up to her because it made me look selfish. To me, sex is an important part of life. Her solution was that she is willing to try to have more sex (once a week only). However, it just seemed forced to me. I don't want to have sex with someone who doesn't want it.

I did some more thinking and I would like to try an open relationship. We are still so young, and she's the only one I've been with. I really want to spend the rest of my live with her because we get along so well. When I asked her about trying an open relationship, she shut down and got very upset. In her opinion, open relationships are for couples who don't love each other. This is not true at all for me.

Am I in the wrong here?  I just think that trying an open relationship would help and I would like her to consider it more instead of rejecting it right away. I would appreciate any advice you can give me. Breaking up with her is the last thing I want to do. Thank you!

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, AnyHelpPlz123 said:

My girlfriend and I have been together since we were 16 and have both never been in another relationship. We are in college and live together.

When I asked her about trying an open relationship, she shut down and got very upset. In her opinion, open relationships are for couples who don't love each other.

Just move out. You're not compatible and have entered the roommate zone. It's highly insulting to say 'hey lets live together as BF/GF and I'll screw around, ok?'

Once you bring this up it's the final nail in the coffin in an already dead relationship, so stop using her as a security blanket while you sow your oats.

 She's right. You don't love her, you just want your cake an eat it too. "Open relationship" is trying to dress up condoned cheating as if it's some cool lifestyle. She's no fool.

Be prepared for her to tell her friends and family you pulled this stunt and for her to end it for good on the advice of people who do care about her.

[Capricorn3]

So, do you think that by having an open relationship she'll suddenly be having more sex with you?  If she's not so much into sex right now, it means that YOU will be free to have sex all the time with anyone you want to, but that still doesn't change the fact that she won't suddenly change and have sex with you three times a week (or whatever).  Looks like the only one who will benefit here is you, right?

[boltnrun]

How would you feel about her having sex with a bunch of randos?

[AnyHelpPlz123]

@boltnrunIt would be fair because I would do the same.

[Capricorn3]

You've been together since you're sixteen.  You're still young and I get the impression this is more about you realising that you have missed out on "sowing your wild oats" and have no experience other than being with her. You're now wanting to spread your wings, so to speak and if she's not willing to go down the open relationship route then there is no other choice but to end thing.  That way you will be free to get all the experience you are wanting before you eventually decide to settle down with someone.

[Batya33]

If you'd be ok with her having sex with other people then it's time to let this relationship go, at least for now - maybe down the road you'll get back together but since you've always been monogamous I doubt you're into open relationships -you just want to be able to have more sex and try out different partners and somehow you're able to accept that she'd be doing the same.  And she knows why you brought this up which is why she's understandably upset.  If I thought you were changing into a person who wants polygamy or an "open relationship" I'd respond differently. 

Accept that right now you really don't want to marry her and don't want to be committed to her.  If you did you would never suggest that the two of you sleep around to be able to fix what you think is missing in the relationship and dress it up as some trendy "open relationship".

I know of three relationships where the two people didn't really date until they met as teenagers.  My mother -she was married 62 years.  My niece -they met when she was about 12 and he was 14 and they've been together 13 years, married for years, 3 kids,happy.  My best friend from high school -met as teenagers, really didn't date much before -each other's firsts and married since the late 80s, happy.  Yes, early teenager relationships can have these  risks -where you realize you want to sow your wild oats.  Issue is you do, but she does not.

[boltnrun]

Whether you think it's an excellent idea or that she should not "reject" your idea for you to have sex with other woman is irrelevant because SHE is not on board.

So that means you have three options; give up on this idea and stay 100% faithful to her, cheat on her behind her back, or break up with her.

I think breaking up with her is the best option.  You're not a horrible person for wanting to experience others, but this "open relationship" plan is really just a transparent way for you to get everything you want.  Real life doesn't work that way.

[Kwothe28]

3 hours ago, AnyHelpPlz123 said:

However, the longer we live together, the less sex we seem to have (one point it was once every 4 weeks).

Yeah, welcome to married life bro. 

Joking, dont take me seriously lol

Anyway, you need to consider a few things. After a while passion component in some relationships dies down. That means that you do get physical less frequently. Possible solutions are:

a) ignite a passion here and there. You probably wont be all over each other like in the beggining, but with some effort you will maybe get more. Try to be more passionate and intimate, set the mood, try roleplay, whatever suits both of you better. Maybe she or even you are overworked, or having some other troubles, there is a lot to explore there.

b) stay there for the sake of it. You are together since you are 16. You got used to each other and you probably cant imagine somebody else there. But that would mean that you would have to deal with the fact that you would probably get less sex. Again, sometimes we lose passion in meantime and we never get it back but have other stuff that connects us with the other person. Or cheat since she wont accept open relationship, but that is a really low solution there and wouldnt be fair to your girl.

c) leave. You are together since you are 16. At least one side wants to experince what is more out there. I wouldnt even be surpised that you already have somebody in mind for that open thing since you did suggest it. And in the situations like that, the most sensible thing is exactly this, just leave. 

So there, pick the path and work on it.

[yellowhibiscus]

This is typical in any long term relationship.

Open relationships take a lot of emotional maturity, trust, and respect. It requires a solid foundation beforehand. It doesn't sound like that describes your relationship with your girlfriend. You are young and just because you have the same interests and enjoy each others company, that does not mean that your relationship has what it takes to survive an open relationship. I would try to work on how to bring each other closer and meet each other's needs and if that doesn't work, then perhaps you are not compatible. 

[itsallgrand]

I'd just suggest listening to her. Don't try to force anything, just listen. 

I know for me, I'd be devastated if my partner suggested this to me. We entered into this relationship on the terms it'd be only us two. That's what I wanted, and if I wanted to sow my Oats some more I'd rather be single. Not everyone feels the same, but judging by her reaction, she's hurting really badly right now. You broke her sense of security and trust in the relationship. 

You may not have many options now, she may be on her way out. Please understand that hearing those words can be like hearing "this relationship as you thought you knew it is over for me", because it is... it's the end of your desire for monogamy with her. 

Let her go. Don't drag her into scenarios she doesn't want, because that will hurt her even more. 

Sometimes loving someone is having the guts to be honest and admit its not working. 

[poorlittlefish]

Have you spoken to her about why she doesn't want sex very often?  Are you taking enough time on foreplay?  Are you making sure she's satisfied or only concerned with yourself?  Are you hassling her about it (which will make things worse) or coming onto her when she's busy or dead tired?  Is there any romance within your relationship to help put her in the mood?

[Andrina]

Since you haven't had enough life experience and more dating relationships, you haven't realized that being with someone with a different libido than you should be a dealbreaker. Do you really think you can't have it all? Of course there are other women in the world who you also enjoy their company plus match in all the other ways including intimacy.

Just because you've been together years, doesn't mean you have to stay forever. It's common to outgrow youthful relationships once you move into being an adult. She will be upset with the breakup, but much later she'll know you did her a favor. This will free her to find someone who matches her as well. Because being with someone who isn't satisfied with exactly who you are is no way to live.

You'll be doing the right thing, as upsetting as it is. Take care.

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Andrina said:

you haven't realized that being with someone with a different libido than you should be a dealbreaker.

I wouldn't assume she has a different libido.  We don't know what's going on or if this is a temporary issue -maybe the birth control she is on, maybe something else.  And I don't think couples have to be perfectly matched in this way -there is room for compromise on both sides.  Here's a guess- since he thought it was ok to ask her if they could seek out other sex partners (putting aside the fancy and misused "open relationship" label) perhaps she's been sensing him pulling away from her emotionally which in turn has affected her desire for sex. 

[catfeeder]

It's natural for people to outgrow their first relationship and become incompatible, so this doesn't make either of you a villain.

However, asking a monogamous person for an open relationship makes a mess. Have you noticed?

It's understandable that you don't want a sexless existence, so you can ask GF whether she is willing to attend counseling with you to learn whether you can add some mutual desire back into your sex life.

If she's unwilling to do that, it's up to you to decide whether staying with the status quo or moving forward to pursue your OWN sex life is the best choice for you.

 

[Jibralta]

11 hours ago, itsallgrand said:

I know for me, I'd be devastated if my partner suggested this to me. We entered into this relationship on the terms it'd be only us two. That's what I wanted, and if I wanted to sow my Oats some more I'd rather be single.

Yes. If she was into open relationships, you'd be in one with her right now. You're trying to change the agreement. That's never ok. It's not ok in business, and it's not ok in relationships.

If you're not satisfied, break it off. 

[Lambert]

Here's some things to think about.... 

How you imagine this happening, will probably not be how it ends up going. 

Your solution to wanting more sex, is to have an open relationship.  But what you are failing to see is, the relationship is what needs fixing.  You need to talk to your girlfriend about why sex is not wanted by her.  Is there a reason-- health? mental? no attraction? 

If it's not just her natural libido (which won't change) there could be another reason.  

Ok.. so let's say she agrees to this.  Which she won't.  Her first reaction was her response and you should respect this.  But let's say she does... 

What do you think is going to happen?  Do you think you are so irrestible to women? You're just going to be lining them up? 

Most women are not interested in a guy with a girlfriend in an open relationship.  That is a fact.  The women that are and there's nothing wrong with it, if they are.  It's their choice.  But they are sleeping with lots of guys.  So you have to be very careful with STD's.  

So there you are sleeping with loose women.  What's your girlfriend doing?  She is shopping around to find your replacement.  Because she isn't into open sex or sex at all.  But maybe a new guy, paying attention to her etc?  She is not going to be sitting at home waiting around while you are off having sex with other women.  

I think you need to face the fact that this relationship is damaged in someway and needs resolved between the two of you.  Or the other thing it could be is, you are incompatible.

Do not welcome new partners into your lives.  Your relationship is already not stable enough and it's not something you both want.  It will destroy the relationship.  

 

[lostandhurt]

Having sex with other people is not going to repair what is broken in the relationship so why try that remedy?

I agree you need to figure out if your two libidos are compatible long term.  How did you get where you are today?  What changed for her to not be interested in sex? When did it start to go downhill?

Banging random people is not the cure for this issue, communication is. 

  This isn't because you have been together since you were kids or the only sexual partners you have ever had because this happens to all types and kinds of relationships.  It would be best to do some thinking, look back on the intimate side of your relationship and see if you can find some clues and then sit down with her and talk about it.  Just don't try and talk about it right after she tells you she is not in the mood. Do it when things are calm and keep them that way as you talk.  Your biggest job during all this is to LISTEN carefully to her and understand where she is at in all this.

Lost

[MissCanuck]

23 hours ago, AnyHelpPlz123 said:

Am I in the wrong here?  I just think that trying an open relationship would help and I would like her to consider it more instead of rejecting it right away.

Yes, you are wrong. 

You are not wrong to be curious about sex with others (after all, you are young and have no other expeirence) but you are wrong to assume that an open relationship would be helpful for you as a couple. She is not clearly not non-monogamous, so it will never work. It has already hurt her a lot that you even suggested it, so you are wrong to try to convince her otherwise. It would destroy whatever is left after you dropped this suggestion on her.  

It is also fairly naive to think this would improve your relationship. No, not when she is not already a willing and enthusiastic participant. 

Respect the fact that it's not what she wants, and this might be where you two need to break up. You won't be able to have this both ways, OP. 

[HappilyMarried1]

On 11/5/2021 at 5:43 PM, Capricorn3 said:

So, do you think that by having an open relationship she'll suddenly be having more sex with you?  If she's not so much into sex right now, it means that YOU will be free to have sex all the time with anyone you want to, but that still doesn't change the fact that she won't suddenly change and have sex with you three times a week (or whatever).

This is so true and if she does change and want to start having more sex it is not going to be with him probably.

[Jibralta]

1 hour ago, HappilyMarried1 said:

On 11/5/2021 at 5:43 PM, Capricorn3 said:

So, do you think that by having an open relationship she'll suddenly be having more sex with you?  If she's not so much into sex right now, it means that YOU will be free to have sex all the time with anyone you want to, but that still doesn't change the fact that she won't suddenly change and have sex with you three times a week (or whatever).

This is so true and if she does change and want to start having more sex it is not going to be with him probably.

Yeah, that's one of the big flaws in his argument.