Friend consistently forgets birthday

[yellowhibiscus]

I have a friend that I have known for about 8-9 years. Our birthdays are within 1 week of each other. Every year, I usually send her a text, call, card, or I've even brought over a birthday cake. Not once has she ever acknowledged mine (mine comes first). This year was the same- my birthday came by and nothing from her. She calls me on her birthday leaving a voicemail "Hey, it's my birthday and wanted to know if you could come out to celebrate!". I was so annoyed because it happens every year. Am I being immature or petty for feeling this way? How do you deal when a friend consistently forgets your birthday?

 

[BecxyRex]

All you can do is adjust your own mindset. Some people don’t put too much thought into birthdays, so you can accept she’s one of them and move on from your expectation. It sounds like wishing her a happy birthday, bringing cakes and cards are something you want to do, because that’s how you are. But not everyone is like you. She probably doesn’t think twice about this. 

[Rose Mosse]

From what you've described it appears she values time in person more than calls, texts, cards or cakes. Invite her out to celebrate for your birthday if you'd like to celebrate it with this person. 

[Cherylyn]

I hear you.  My formerly close cousin never acknowledged my birthday either despite me always remembering her birthday with postal birthday greeting cards,  money (both online and via postal route), gifts (store bought, online gifts or handmade quilts) and I was always quite generous.  I eventually confronted her and told her that granted, I'm not expecting reciprocation of material goods from her but a birthday greeting of some sort (text, email or postal mail) would've reaffirmed the importance of our cousin-ship.  I don't know if it was an oversight on her part,  just not caring to ask me when my birthday was or being consumed with her insurmountable stresses in her personal life.  Regardless of her reasons, it was hurtful to be completely ignored every year.

My cousin told me to remind her when my birthday was but to me, that was beside the point.  Why didn't she bother to ask me when my birthday was several years ago?  Why now after all this time?  Too little, too late.  This was in addition to her committing previous heinous offenses to me. 

I agree with you.  Friendships shouldn't feel one sided to the point where you're doing all the giving and the other person is always the recipient only.  Friendships shouldn't be unbalanced.  You don't want to feel as if you're being taken advantage. 

As for your friend, I would be honest with her.  I would remind her when your birthday is and that you would appreciate attention with the same courtesy for your birthday as you give to her.  Tell her that you are hurt that she never acknowledges your birthday.  No, you're not being petty nor immature. 

If she prefers to argue with you and becomes defensive, then make a pact with her.  Tell her that both of you will not acknowledge each others birthdays in the future and merely treat both birthdays as just another day.  Make an agreement and stick to it.  Leave birthdays, birthday acknowledgements, cakes, gifts (?), attention and the like out of the equation.  

[Andrina]

I don't get why you've given her a card and cake when every year she doesn't mention your birthday the week earlier. Why didn't you just go along with the way she does (or rather doesn't do) things and follow her lead? When she asked you out to celebrate for hers, you could just join the fun without a card or cake.

I'm assuming she's otherwise an ideal friend, since you haven't mentioned anything else that annoys you, so let that quirk slide.

Sometimes it's a good thing to adapt to someone's differences. Not everyone can be your twin in how they behave, and friends sometimes do disappoint. People are complex. As long as the bad doesn't outweigh the good overall, you should be flexible.

[Kwothe28]

Is your friend maybe self-centered? Its a common thing for self-centered people that their stuff(in this case birthday) is all important while they just dont pay atention to other people stuff. At least today its easy, even if you dont want to remember somebody birthday, you have social networks to do that. And its not really hard to remember since its a week from her birthday. So after 10 years of friendship, you have to assume that she just doesnt want to reciprocitate you efforts and make an effort of her own to at least congratulate.

In a situations like that, I agree with others, just do the same she does, no extra effort. It bothers you(as it should) and its not petty to feel under-appreciated when you do extra stuff for her birthday. So just stop doing it. Doubt it would change anything from her perspective, but at least you wouldnt waste your efforts on somebody who doesnt appreciate that.

[Jibralta]

1 hour ago, Andrina said:

Sometimes it's a good thing to adapt to someone's differences. Not everyone can be your twin in how they behave, and friends sometimes do disappoint. People are complex. As long as the bad doesn't outweigh the good overall, you should be flexible.

I agree!

[catfeeder]

Some people just don't do well with birthdays, and I agree with Andrina that projecting our own desires onto the behaviors of others who don't operate the same way or process sentiment the same way is a setup for disappointment, so why do that?

I would decide whether my own behaviors are motivated by truly wanting to express to friend my gratitude for her and my wishes for her, or more by hoping to model for her the behaviors I want her to adopt.

I'd give this careful thought. Really careful thought.

Because if I decide that I'm acting out of sincerity and WANT to continue behaving as I have, then I would do that. A gift is a gift, not a contract.

However, if I decide that my primary motivation is to model behaviors that I wish from her, and she has obviously failed to pick that up from me, then I'd just stop doing that and making it a thing. A simple social media wish of happy birthday will suffice going forward.

Another thing I've found helpful is, given that your birthdays are close, you can announce to her on the first that you BOTH get to claim the whole month as your birthday celebration time, and you'd like to schedule a mutual celebration with her. The actual dates don't need to matter.

[yellowhibiscus]

1 minute ago, catfeeder said:

Some people just don't do well with birthdays, and I agree with Andrina that projecting our own desires onto the behaviors of others who don't operate the same way or process sentiment the same way is a setup for disappointment, so why do that?

I would decide whether my own behaviors are motivated by truly wanting to express to friend my gratitude for her and my wishes for her, or more by hoping to model for her the behaviors I want her to adopt.

I'd give this careful thought. Really careful thought.

Because if I decide that I'm acting out of sincerity and WANT to continue behaving as I have, then I would do that. A gift is a gift, not a contract.

However, if I decide that my primary motivation is to model behaviors that I wish from her, and she has obviously failed to pick that up from me, then I'd just stop doing that and making it a thing. A simple social media wish of happy birthday will suffice going forward.

Another thing I've found helpful is, given that your birthdays are close, you can announce to her on the first that you BOTH get to claim the whole month as your birthday celebration time, and you'd like to schedule a mutual celebration with her. The actual dates don't need to matter.

I do get what you and Andrina are saying. However, I don't care about gifts- I would be happy with a text or a phone call. But there's nothing every year. And she makes a big deal out of her birthday and calls seeking out acknowledgement for her. She does seem to be very self-centered. 

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, yellowhibiscus said:

 I would be happy with a text or a phone call. But there's nothing every year. 

Ok. Start a new tradition. No birthday celebrations with this friend.

Celebrate with other friends who are as into this as you are.

Why beat a dead horse year after year? She's not going to change so the only person you can change is you. 

Next year give yourself the gift of getting rid of this grind.  It's that simple.

Is this the same friend?

 

[Jibralta]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

No birthday celebrations with this friend.

Great solution!

[Jibralta]

9 hours ago, yellowhibiscus said:

I do get what you and Andrina are saying.

I think you're missing their point. No one thinks you're motivated by a desire for gifts. The questionable issue is your need for another person to behave the way that you want her to behave. Why do you need this particular person need to behave in this particular way? Why is this behavior from her so meaningful to you? The obligation you're setting is very ***-for-tat and honestly I think it keeps people at arm's length more than it strengthens friendships. 

In the grand scheme of things, this is a small-potatoes issue for a lot of people. I mean, the police aren't going to show up because someone forgets your birthday. No lawyer in the land is going to take your case. The media doesn't care. And I bet Miss Manners might not even answer your letter. 

Does this friend serve no other purpose than to reciprocate your birthday greetings? There are bigger and better things to worry about, aren't there? 

[Lambert]

Mirror your treatment of others to their treatment of you. 

You are making yourself resentful and upset expecting something that in 8 years hasn't changed. 

I don't think your petty or immature but.... your doing this to yourself. 

She obviously doesn't care about it. She called you on her bday and invited you.  She wasn't waiting for you to call her or do anything.  So that's how she's going to be with you. 

Next year in your birthday, call her and tell her it's my birthday, come celebrate.  And that's it. Enjoy the company.  

Then on her birthday, do nothing. 

[Cherylyn]

18 hours ago, yellowhibiscus said:

However, I don't care about gifts- I would be happy with a text or a phone call. But there's nothing every year. And she makes a big deal out of her birthday and calls seeking out acknowledgement for her. She does seem to be very self-centered. 

She sounds like a narcissist.  Unfortunately, I've known several people reminiscent of your friend.  It's always all about them and no one else.  Why?  Because they lack emotional intelligence (empathy). 

Don't make a fuss over her birthday anymore.  Back off. 

Even though she has been your friend for 8 or 9 years, you need to question if her self-centered behavior is demonstrated by alarming red flags in other aspects of her character.  Generally, selfish people don't make good relationships or friendships.  They're shallow, flaky and unreliable. 

My younger sister and I exchanged birthday gifts every year until this year.  For many years, I've given her lots of great gifts, extremely generous monetary gifts, homemade, hand sewn gifts (quilts, oven mitts, pot holders, trivets) and the like whereas she's given me cheap gifts despite residing in a $2mil house!  Cakes and candied fruit were delivered to my front door.  She gave me earrings which I've never worn.  The packaging is still on those matronly earrings.  She gave me a miniature purse from a discount store which is very impractical.  She re-gifted items to me.  She gave me a gaudy scarf which I've never worn yet she wears very expensive designer clothing, shoes and handbags.  She gave me sandals which fell apart.  I've never received well thought out gifts from her. 

There were a few years where she completely ignored my birthday altogether with nary any acknowledgment whatsoever (no text, no postal birthday greeting card, nothing).  After receiving crappy gifts from her every year or random indifference in between those years, I finally had enough.  I wrote her a letter and told her that I didn't want anything for my birthday anymore and from now on, either we can acknowledge our birthdays via text or postal birthday greeting cards or simply treat it as another day without fanfare.  For my recent birthday, she sent me a birthday well wish text and it sufficed.  I'm relieved not having to rack my brain to figure out what type of material, tangible birthday gifts or generous monetary gift cards to give her in the future.  We're not close anyway so it's unnecessary to exchange symbolic birthday gestures.  She is a waste of my money and time. 

My local, dearest, best childhood friend and maid-of-honor and I always acknowledged our birthdays with generous monetary gifts, tangible gifts and postal birthday greeting cards.  Prior to the pandemic, we always spent the entire day together shopping and dining out.  She is my true, real  sister.   She has always been emotionally intelligent, perceptive and amazing.  She set the bar so high and I don't know many people as stellar as she is.

As for you, you can take several routes.  Continue giving your friend birthday texts, gifts, cakes, cards and attention unconditionally.  Don't expect anything in return including a simple "Happy Birthday" text to you.  If you don't expect, you'll hurt less.  Lower your expectations to nil.  If your friend doesn't consider your birthday special, then there is your answer.  Stop giving her your time, energy, thoughts, labor and resources because she is not worth it.  She's not a real friend because you don't matter that much to her and you're not that important to her.  She really doesn't care about your feelings at all.  If she refuses to place any importance regarding you, then rethink this friendship and learn to distance yourself from her.  She may very well be reduced to acquaintance status at best because a real friend treats you with respect.  Your friend disrespects you indeed. 

Or, you can just accept your friend warts and all and learn to look the other way instead of feeling disgruntled.  You need to reevaluate what is important to you.  Are you willing to accept and tolerate your friend's foibles?  Does she qualify as a friend in other areas?  Is she the type of friend who would help you during an emergency?  Is she the type of friend who would drop her life for you at a moment's notice?  Is she the type of friend who would drive you to the airport at 2AM?  Is she the type of friend who would give up her weekend to help you pack boxes, move and arrive at your doorstep early in the morning on moving day?  Is she the type of friend who would bring you a meal if you're ill or if your life turned upside down?  (For example: birth, death, economic struggle, hardship, etc.)  Is she the type of friend who would attend any occasion in your or your family's honor (other than your birthday) or festivity? (bridal / baby showers, weddings, a loved one's funeral, etc.)  Is she the type of friend who would loan you money if you were desperate?  Is she the type of friend who would allow you to sleep on  her sofa if you had no place to live?  Does your friend give you consistent moral support throughout the year?  Ask yourself these types of questions.  Then determine whether she's the type of friend worth keeping or distancing.

 

 

 

[catfeeder]

22 hours ago, yellowhibiscus said:

I do get what you and Andrina are saying. However, I don't care about gifts- I would be happy with a text or a phone call. But there's nothing every year. And she makes a big deal out of her birthday and calls seeking out acknowledgement for her. She does seem to be very self-centered. 

And when you've raised this with her, what was her response?

[melancholy123]

I'd stop sending her texts, cards etc and no way for a cake if she treated me like that.  Some people put no importance on the birthdays of others.