How to get over work crush

[Wiseman2]

On 11/4/2021 at 6:53 PM, Fluffymomo said:

 he gave me the time off when I tried to resign… 

How does someone "try to resign"?

Either you had a job lined up and wrote and submitted a resignation letter....or you didn't.

Is the paid time off sick leave, mental health leave or accumulated personal and vacation time?

Make sure you are professional at all times. Even when socializing with coworkers outside of work.

Also make sure you are professional at work and sidestep whatever you think is inappropriate behavior.

It sounds like the time off was to regroup and replace you without actually firing you because you already complained to co-workers that "he looks at your boobs", so it seems they are in damage control mode until they can get rid of you.

[catfeeder]

I must be missing something crucial, as I don't see any villains in this scenario beyond the coworkers and manager who have been cold to you--and never even offered comfort after the loss of your parent.

I'm very sorry for your loss, and my heart goes out to you.

It is common during vulnerable times to develop a crush on someone, especially in a position of authority, who has reached out with kindness and has been helpful. This is a typical and REAL phenomenon with therapists, doctors and bosses, and it's a term called 'transference'.

Finding yourself in this state is disorienting, because you view and hear everything from this person through an emotionally charged lens, and you can't tell whether their attention is benign or carries the intimate charge you are interpreting

This doesn't make either you or him 'bad' or morally 'wrong,' but it certainly makes you uncomfortable. That's exactly why you might consider reaching out to a therapist to help you work through this state to transfer your focus back onto your everyday 'real' life that is so difficult given your grief and loss--and so mundane in comparison to the excitement of a crush.

While I can understand wanting to exit a work environment that you find cold and unfriendly, I would not consider your crush on this man's 'savior' gestures during your time of need to be something that you can't move beyond given the right work with someone who is trained in healing grief and transference. 

This does NOT make you a freak, it only feels that way, and sharing your problems with a professional can help to 'normalize' your feelings away from isolation and assigning more significance to them than is necessary. The 5 stages of grief can feel overwhelming and crazy-making: denial, bargaining, anger, depression and acceptance (reference Elisabeth Kubler Ross) and are more like cycles rather than stages, where you can mish-mosh emotions together and keep cycling through them in a chaotic way over and over.

Romantic crushes make for pleasurable distractions from this chaos, but as you've noticed, they're a double-edged sword. However, a good therapist will recognize this issue as ripe for your place to start in healing, as it's where you've transferred your focus to avoid the 'real' pain and the mundane.

Head high, and write more if it helps. 

[Fluffymomo]

Hi All,

 

I can’t believe it’s been a month since my last post and I just want to give an update of my situation and the aftermath..

Well, I am resigning from this job next week. I have received 2 offers this month with 30% & 35% pay raise to current role. To be honest, I am still scarred from this job.. I have never felt so alone and insecure at any of the jobs that I had before. So I am very happy to walk away from this mess. I am not sure what their reactions would be like? But I am okay with starting fresh and move on.

Regarding “ the guy”, I have listened to your advice and pretty much cut off any interactions besides business related needs. He quickly cool down. No more small talks and also no more special projects. He then decided to hire another person in the department to further take away my responsibilities.. That was the last straw for me.. I no longer feel I am obligated to stay because of his “ kindness”

 

 

 

[Fluffymomo]

On 11/7/2021 at 8:34 AM, catfeeder said:

I must be missing something crucial, as I don't see any villains in this scenario beyond the coworkers and manager who have been cold to you--and never even offered comfort after the loss of your parent.

I'm very sorry for your loss, and my heart goes out to you.

It is common during vulnerable times to develop a crush on someone, especially in a position of authority, who has reached out with kindness and has been helpful. This is a typical and REAL phenomenon with therapists, doctors and bosses, and it's a term called 'transference'.

Finding yourself in this state is disorienting, because you view and hear everything from this person through an emotionally charged lens, and you can't tell whether their attention is benign or carries the intimate charge you are interpreting

This doesn't make either you or him 'bad' or morally 'wrong,' but it certainly makes you uncomfortable. That's exactly why you might consider reaching out to a therapist to help you work through this state to transfer your focus back onto your everyday 'real' life that is so difficult given your grief and loss--and so mundane in comparison to the excitement of a crush.

While I can understand wanting to exit a work environment that you find cold and unfriendly, I would not consider your crush on this man's 'savior' gestures during your time of need to be something that you can't move beyond given the right work with someone who is trained in healing grief and transference. 

This does NOT make you a freak, it only feels that way, and sharing your problems with a professional can help to 'normalize' your feelings away from isolation and assigning more significance to them than is necessary. The 5 stages of grief can feel overwhelming and crazy-making: denial, bargaining, anger, depression and acceptance (reference Elisabeth Kubler Ross) and are more like cycles rather than stages, where you can mish-mosh emotions together and keep cycling through them in a chaotic way over and over.

Romantic crushes make for pleasurable distractions from this chaos, but as you've noticed, they're a double-edged sword. However, a good therapist will recognize this issue as ripe for your place to start in healing, as it's where you've transferred your focus to avoid the 'real' pain and the mundane.

Head high, and write more if it helps. 

Thank you. I only saw this today but appreciate all your advices