Desperately need advice before I make a huge mess

[Spookiestshowintown]

The title is what it is, but let me provide context. Please keep in mind I’m by no means looking for validation or making excuses for myself when I say this. 

Let me start 12 years ago. My now wife and I were engaged, and months away from marriage. There is a girl back home (I was in the Navy) who was always my one…we started out as friends, went on a few dates, and life drew us apart. I came home on emergency leave from Iraq due to a sibling passing away. I spent a lot of time with her, she brought me loads of comfort and that butterfly feeling in my stomach when I was around her came right back, years later. (This was pre-dating my current wife)

Fast forward a few years and we always kept in touch, seeing each other when I came home on leave. My now wife and I started dating…a short while before we were married, my one and I both expressed strong feelings for one another, something we have never done before. 

I struggle with nice guy syndrome and was too cowardly to end things with my fiancé and ruin her happiness and plays her family made, money they spent, etc. So…we got married. My one was livid…rightfully so. My only explanation was being a coward. We grew apart and every few years one of us would reach out through social media and “check-in.” She had relationships, I stayed married…but I’m ashamed to say those feelings towards her never left. Ever. 

The last few years have been a struggle in my marriage. We’ve grown apart, we stopped being intimate, and I’ve been asking for marriage counseling. I’m prepared to share everything with her and face it head on…the history with the one, our lack of intimacy, the feeling of being a roommate, etc. Every day my wife and I grow further apart, my feelings for the one grow stronger…again. 

My question, or hesitancy is…I desperately want to reach out to the one and be an open book and take responsibility, share my past and current feelings for her and hope for the best…but I don’t know her relationship status, if she feels the same way, or if this is even something she would want to hear. Inside my head I picture her either becoming furious, or completely ignoring my reaching out. I honestly couldn’t tell you which would be worse. 

Am I selfish in wanting to reach out? I am well aware of how shameful it is to be thinking these things while being married…I feel terrible about it, but I honestly cannot help it. I desperately need a woman’s advice and what to do here. I’m afraid no matter what decision I make, I will just hurt one or both of us. 

Is there a point of view I’m not seeing that might help? 

Thanks!

[SooSad33]

So you were never quite into your marriage really, were you?

Like you never should have married?

I feel since you were never able to let her go, I think of that saying, if you love more than one, you love neither enough.. And if you have to choose between two, choose the 2nd one, as it shows you never felt enough for the first one.

I'm not sure if you should reach out to this one again re: your feelings, since it has been 12 yrs. Do you think she's ever seen you as more than a friend?  

A good way to see this, is, if you were to reach out this way & you two went there (relationship-wise) and if things did not work out, could it permanently damage the friendship you had all this time?

In ways, I also think if you were to do this much, at least you would know where you stand and to finally get it over with so you can then move on with your life. ( is almost like you've been riding this wave for so long it's eating away at you).

As for your marriage.. Is up to you on how you truly feel with this woman.  Do you truly love her?  is it worth the fight to keep it going? Or just admit you're not all in it and end it now.

Either way, I do suggest you sit back a while, even if you two do split, so you don't jump right into something again & have that fail as well.. as your mind's not in the right sense at this time.

So... lots to consider?

 

[Kwothe28]

I think that you should first stop being a "coward". That means dealing with your marriage and divorce before starting anything with her. That may take a while but its still something you need to do first. It wouldnt be fair to your wife, or even the other girl if you just started anything now.

As for the girl, who knows. Its been a while so maybe she is married or has somebody already. Even if she doesnt and if she is single there is no guarantee that she will take you back(if you were even together, its not really clear). Its all big "What If". And you will have to accept whatever answer that may be. You chosed and as you see, you chose wrong so now there is no certanty. 

But again, dont be a coward and solve your marriage first. Then chase ancient crushes and loves.

[catfeeder]

Settle your current business before pursuing something else, or you'll come off as disloyal.

That's not attractive.

[Rose Mosse]

Perhaps look at the way you've lived your life up to this point. You seem to be avoiding issues. Avoiding anything that has to do with real commitment or emotional investment. You were in love with someone and you married someone else. You married and you're avoiding your marriage. You might get involved in an affair and you'll still avoid either woman. You can't seem to face yourself for some reason. I only see a person who is severely avoidant and unable to deal with current issues at any given time. 

The excuses about not wanting to disappoint your fiancee at the time by marrying her are only excuses. You only wanted to avoid the issues so you went along with it. It was convenient to do. In the same way avoiding your marriage is the convenient thing to do rather than be honest with your wife or end your marriage and be alone. 

I'd explore fear of being alone and why you're avoiding things. 

[MissCanuck]

Solve your marriage issues first. If that means divorce, then get it rolling. 

Don't reach out to this other woman unless and until your have formally ended your marriage. Stop making a mess of things in your life, and start getting it right. 

[adviceplease2]

So you were never into your wife, expressed feelings with this other girl before you were married.....but still got married knowing your feelings were for someone else?

*** man.  You know what answer you want.

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Spookiestshowintown said:

  I will just hurt one or both of us. 

Is this an arranged marriage? Are kids involved?

This old flame seems more like an escape mechanism from a stale marriage.

What is causing the rift in the marriage? Are you two in a rut?

It seems like you are living a lie and just passively coasting along in a fantasy world about the one who got away.

This has nothing to do with being a nice guy. You're not doing your wife any favors just existing in the marriage and daydreaming about ideal love.

Get to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health.  Discuss PTSD and your military experience as well as depression, anxiety, etc. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Start there. Not that this is a magic bullet to improve your marriage or a way to get back with the one-who-got-away, but rather to develop a real solution to your inner conflicts.

Is your wife a shrew? Do you want a divorce? That's something to explore first.

[MrWallFlower]

I guess I’ll be Mr Unpopular here by saying:  So, while you were dating your fiancé, now wife, you and the first girl professed your “strong feelings” for one another.  Sounds to me like you never gave your marriage a chance.  You don’t say whether you have children with your wife.  However, you made a marriage covenant with your wife and that is where your obligation is.  Perhaps you should honor that vow and be totally devoted to your wife—could totally revive that marriage.  Of course it has been a struggle, with the constant “keeping in touch” from this first girl.  You need to totally cut that off and only after giving your marriage the focus can you decide if you should stay together.  
 

Why didn’t you and the first girl give it a shot before meeting your wife.

[boltnrun]

So let's say you do go ahead and reach out to "the one" without bothering to tell your wife or separate from her.

Your "one" will see that you're a man who tries to have affairs while married.

Why do you think that would be attractive to her?

[Andrina]

Wow, for all the important things in a romantic life, you apparently haven't learned anything from any of your mistakes.

If you and the hometown woman had really been into one another, at least one of you would have suggested long distance dating until the distance could be closed by, I'm assuming, marriage, if things worked out.

I'm not sure if you were truly into her if that idea hadn't crossed your mind or hers at the time.

Neither of you practice good relationship boundaries, so do you really think that would result in happily ever after? You continued to communicate and flirt with another woman while taken. She, in turn, if she had good ethics, would've said, "Oh, now that you tell me you are involved with someone, we can no longer talk. We need to respect your new partner. Good luck. It's been nice knowing you."

Because yes, if what you say to a friend you have chemistry with is something you'd never let a gf/fiance be privy to, you're totally unethical and poor boyfriend material.

Good guy syndrome? How is making a woman live a false life filled with rotten stuff done behind her back being a good guy? 

No, don't tell your wife about some fantasy life you've built up in your head about an alternative universe with someone else that likely wouldn't have been successful, anyway. If you're going to devote yourself to fixing your marriage, you're going to have to vow to not answer any communication from the lady from your past, and even block her number, and you will have to delete her info. If you won't do that, do your wife a favor and free her. Just tell her it's not working but avoid the la la land story of the one who got away.

If you do get a divorce, stay alone for at least a good year and work on bettering the way you behave as a decent citizen of the world. Learn from your mistakes. And then if you want to reach out to that lady, nobody's stopping you if she's free. If she's taken, don't contact her. Because if you do, you still haven't learned enough and you'll be forever unsuccessful in love.

[redswim30]

I'm gonna take a different approach here. 

You wouldn't be the first person who ever got married cause they felt like they were "supposed to" or thought they were putting the other person's happiness above theirs.  Happens all the time, honestly. People marry the wrong people every day.  I knew I was making a mistake when I got married the first time, but I was young, immature, and felt it was expected and what I was "supposed to do".

But, why cling to the marriage if you know it's not what you want at this point? If you know your heart isn't with her, just get divorced. It's bound to happen no matter what happens with this other woman.  But definitely get divorced FIRST.   I see no point "confessing" anything about this friend to your wife.  Your failed marriage has really nothing to do with her, and if you ever DO get together- she won't thank you for dragging her name in the mud to your ex-wife when she hasn't even done anything wrong.  (This would be worse if things with her ever DID get serious)

You say the word "shameful" at lot, which I find interesting.  Do you come from a super religious family? I personally believe that everyone has feelings for many people during their lifetime.  Anyone who has even been married, especially in a LONG marriage, will inevitably at some point catch feelings for someone else- even if it's a harmless crush and even if nothing comes from it.  We're all human. The point is what you DO about it.  

It doesn't sound like you ever had an actual affair with the woman you describe as your One, so stop beating yourself up.  Closeness to another person isn't a crime, especially if they were someone you knew prior to your marriage.  It sounds like you've always loved her.  That's also not a crime.  It also sounds like you were afraid of taking that leap with her, also not a crime.  Doing what you feel you were "supposed to" rather than what you wanted is a very common story.   

But I will ask- why now?  Is it because you've finally come to realize she is the love of your life and you can't picture your future without her?  Or is it because you want a security blanket/another option in the face of your divorce?  You need to figure this out and the distinction is VERY important. 

If you want to change your life, you need to do so in a way that is respectful of both of these women. Divorce your wife.  You don't love her and she doesn't deserve to be strung along.   I see no problem with you reconnecting with your friend but only do so after some time has passed, don't share any feelings until your divorce is final and do NOT Hold her to any expectations. 

Everything in life has a price.  The question is always- Is the cost worth it?

 

 

[smackie9]

I  think you better take a different perspective, and look at what you would be be giving up. We don't regret until it's gone. Life will be very different without your wife and family. It is worth it? Just to see if things may or may not work out with this other woman? 12 years ago you were in the moment. 12 years later you are clinging onto that memory still that most likely will never be recovered and at what cost? I think you really need to talk to a psychiatrist. Ditching everything to reunite with this woman is not going to solve you problems.