Dumped and confused

[Cbshb]

First time poster so be gentle! Been in this relationship for just under 4 years and we were committed to each other bought a fixer-upper house 6 months ago, moved closer to his parents and attended his sister's wedding as a couple. We have been talking marriage and engagement rings and had even started looking at where we'd like to settle down in the next 5 years

Days after the wedding he gets FOMO of the travelling that people a couple of years older then him have done and how he feels like he is unhappy in life and trapped in the situation. Also distressed over personal issues - friends and family illness. We talk and make steps to travel more and complete the house ASAP to give him the freedom he wants.

Days later he wakes up and says were incompatible and on different paths. To explain I'm studying and working so am pretty busy beyond a 9-5 but I've always included him in these decisions, and was also in the process of moving to a less demanding job. But rather than tell me how much this is affecting him and that he doesn't feel prioritised he allowed me to go ok thinking he was ok with it all. Anyway I leave that morning, no argument just go. Three weeks on I'm getting all sorts of mixed signals - i.e. he still loves and misses me, he wants to reconnect in a year and see if we realign, he needs to find peace and not be in a relationship, but is keeping the personalised necklace he made me, wanting to be friends, not knowing what he wants in the future and understandably my head's spinning. I feel like he just got fed up of waiting for me which makes me feel awful because I never knew he was waiting. After making plans to sell the house as soon as possible, I'm terrified that I'm going to lose him, he won't come back or review his decision, and that this decision was basically made for me whilst I still love him and have been honestly heartbroken crying everyday and struggling to sleep. Having

spoken to family and friends everyone is shocked and just as lost as to where his head is as I am, and my question is what do I do? I want him back I know that but I also know he has to go and figure out what he wants in life and probably speak to someone about his feelings. I just don't know what to do at the moment.

 

Is this just something men go through? I don't understand how he went from being so excited to build a new life and home, to stressed and pushing me away in 6 months. To me he just seems so confused but I can't pressure any decision he makes which is hard when it impacts me and my life.

[SherrySher]

He had it in his mind to get married, but then realized that he's not done all the things he wants to, he hasn't seen all the places he wants to, and he's not experienced all the things he wants to.

He's being very honest with you, and you honestly should be grateful.

Why?

Because if he shoved all of that down inside of him, and said, "okay, let's get married", it may work for a couple years, but eventually, he will start feeling FOMO again, and not only that, but the more he ages, the worse the feeling will get.

He'll feel depressed, and might even resent you.

The chances of him cheating are definitely there too if he doesn't feel like he did everything he wanted to.

I know that sound harsh, but for some men, it's just how it is.

My ex husband swore up and down that he didn't mind getting married without barely any experiences, and I believed him.

8 years later he was chasing everything possible, and cheating and lying.

You can't will something like that out of someone.

If they feel they still need to go out into the world as a single person and do as they please and explore and travel, then you have to let them go.

He's absolutely right, you're in different places in your life, you want different things, and you're focused on different things.

You can't force it to be different, one of you will end up feeling miserable, guaranteed.

Somehow you have to find it in you, to let him go.

Believe that there is another man meant for you, and this one (no matter how much you want him to be)....just isn't the one.

[SooSad33]

Welcome Cb,

I know it's hard & it hurts 😞 .

But nothing anyone can do.. but work on accepting his choice & actions.

Do not beg or harass him. but respectfully back away now.

IF he misses you & what you had, he will come around again.. and if he reaches out, no reason to reply, UNLESS it is about working on trying again.

But, in reality I know.. you are stuck.. on hope.

As mentioned, he most likely came to realize he wanted to do different things and get out there some more.  Wasn't ready to marry yet, etc.

You are grieving now, so you'll experience the pains, confusion, denial etc for a while. So, be kind to yourself and let yourself feel it & release it. ( if too much consider talking to your doctor about something for anxiety- I had to at one point I fell apart) 😕 .

Meanwhile, if you can find someone for support? Good friend or family to be around, talk etc. Helps as well.

It's always so hard for a while, but in time, it'll lessen bit by bit.  I often journal to get my thoughts out .

One day at a time . ❤️  TC

[Wiseman2]

40 minutes ago, Cbshb said:

bought a fixer-upper house 6 months ago. After making plans to sell the house as soon as possible. I don't understand how he went from being so excited to build a new life and home, to stressed and pushing me away in 6 months. 

Sorry this is happening. How old is he? Were you living together before?

Make sure he pays you back for everything you invested in the house. Make sure he's paying you rent if he's staying there and you moved out.

Unfortunately it's unclear why he went along with all this then decides he's depressed and has to find himself.

He's had 4 years to decide what he wants with regard to you, commitments, etc. It's odd that he comes upon this only after you invested your money in this house. 

Was he living with his parents before or spoiled? Of course people can travel and progress in their careers while owning a home, married etc. After kids that changes of course.

Take your time, step back and reflect on what's really going on. Don't coddle him or wait for him.

[SherrySher]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Of course people can travel and progress in their careers while owning a home, married etc.

Definitely not the same experience as being totally carefree and single. 

 

[Cbshb]

Thank you Wiseman, he's 27 and has owned a property beforehand we had lived together for 3 years prior to buying our own place. 

I have negotiated that I will get more money back then I put in due to this being his fault and it being an investment property.

Very weird situation, personally I think it's a quarter life crisis. As far as he's told me he was 'all in with me'.

He hasn't lived with his parents in 10 years, but wants to remove the tie of a house/mortgage and bills so that he can find himself - basically no idea what he wants to do with his life in the future so is running away.

 

[Lambert]

I'm so sorry.  it hurts no matter what when a relationship ends and the way he is treating you is very unfair. 

So in a way, you have to remember that and be strong for yourself. if he can discard you so easily, just decide after years of planning a life together. You have to think screw you pal.

Don't beg him. like I said be strong. cut him off. do not let him do this to you.  you deserve better. 

He's sad about his life and doesn't know what he wants like a little baby. I would not tolerate or allow him to be the victim here.

he's an ass.

be glad you didn't marry him. use this time to heal and focus on starting anew for yourself. Then when you're ready you'll find someone better.  live a great life.

If he can flake on you once.  he'll do it again.  heed the warning signal now. 

[Cbshb]

Thank you all for your thoughts he definitely needed to go and find himself, and whilst he's said he's open to reconnecting in a year - I do feel like thats letting him off the hook for what he has put me through. 

[Cbshb]

44 minutes ago, SherrySher said:

He had it in his mind to get married, but then realized that he's not done all the things he wants to, he hasn't seen all the places he wants to, and he's not experienced all the things he wants to.

He's being very honest with you, and you honestly should be grateful.

Why?

Because if he shoved all of that down inside of him, and said, "okay, let's get married", it may work for a couple years, but eventually, he will start feeling FOMO again, and not only that, but the more he ages, the worse the feeling will get.

He'll feel depressed, and might even resent you.

The chances of him cheating are definitely there too if he doesn't feel like he did everything he wanted to.

I know that sound harsh, but for some men, it's just how it is.

My ex husband swore up and down that he didn't mind getting married without barely any experiences, and I believed him.

8 years later he was chasing everything possible, and cheating and lying.

You can't will something like that out of someone.

If they feel they still need to go out into the world as a single person and do as they please and explore and travel, then you have to let them go.

He's absolutely right, you're in different places in your life, you want different things, and you're focused on different things.

You can't force it to be different, one of you will end up feeling miserable, guaranteed.

Somehow you have to find it in you, to let him go.

Believe that there is another man meant for you, and this one (no matter how much you want him to be)....just isn't the one.

Truth is he has had time to get it out of his system, he dated and slept with a lot of people before me. He's had the freedom to do as he wants, it just feels like maybe he felt trapped by me in the end.

The hope that he has acknowledged that maybe we'll realign in the future is what's keeping me going and I know thats not healthy so I've gone NC because I'm not nearly as angry at him as I should be.

[Batya33]

7 minutes ago, SherrySher said:

Definitely not the same experience as being totally carefree and single. 

 

But adults typically aren’t totally carefree just because they’re single. They have jobs and family responsibilities with parents or siblings etc. I have a friend who always wanted to travel. He got married in his early 30s and a few months later they traveled all over the world for the better part of a year. Both had professional degrees and when they returned both got good jobs. They now have two kids. For example. So it depends.
OP I think unfortunately your boyfriend has had a change of heart and he is all over the place like a moving target as far as why and being “confused “.  

Resolve that you only want to be with someone who is 100% enthusiastic about being with you.  Nothing less. Don’t ever try to convince him to be with you or give him the privilege of your friendship unless he wants to marry you. Let him go.  Completely. No waiting.  If he comes back and is totally committed see what’s going on then.  

Please make sure he does the right thing by you financially.  I am married to my ex fiancée so you never know but we both moved on after we cancelled the wedding.  For years.  All the best to you. 

[Cbshb]

I'm so scared to cut him off and lose him from my life, but I guess it's about self-respect and not letting him take advantage of my feelings for him. I've always known I can't ever just be his friend not after so much life planning together

[SherrySher]

37 minutes ago, Cbshb said:

Truth is he has had time to get it out of his system, he dated and slept with a lot of people before me. He's had the freedom to do as he wants, it just feels like maybe he felt trapped by me in the end.

The hope that he has acknowledged that maybe we'll realign in the future is what's keeping me going and I know thats not healthy so I've gone NC because I'm not nearly as angry at him as I should be.

Oh gosh, well then he's just treating you very badly.

Wanting to go out into the world, have a good ole time, and putting you on the back burner expecting you to wait.

If he valued you, respected you, cherished you, and felt that a future with you, was at the top of his list, he wouldn't be second guessing like this, or tossing you so easily.

Don't let him do this to you! 

You deserve so much better. Block, delete, move on. Let him suffer the consequences.

[SherrySher]

38 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

But adults typically aren’t totally carefree just because they’re single. They have jobs and family responsibilities with parents or siblings etc. I have a friend who always wanted to travel. He got married in his early 30s and a few months later they traveled all over the world for the better part of a year. Both had professional degrees and when they returned both got good jobs. They now have two kids. For example. So it depends.
OP I think unfortunately your boyfriend has had a change of heart and he is all over the place like a moving target as far as why and being “confused “.  

Resolve that you only want to be with someone who is 100% enthusiastic about being with you.  Nothing less. Don’t ever try to convince him to be with you or give him the privilege of your friendship unless he wants to marry you. Let him go.  Completely. No waiting.  If he comes back and is totally committed see what’s going on then.  

Please make sure he does the right thing by you financially.  I am married to my ex fiancée so you never know but we both moved on after we cancelled the wedding.  For years.  All the best to you. 

Okay, to be more straight forward on what I was thinking.

He wants to go sleep around and not suffer any kind of consequences. 

It's not just travelling, he wants to be able to hook up with someone when he feels the need.

[Cbshb]

Thank you all honestly, this is what I needed to here - after so long and such a committed relationship his decision was selfish and disrespectful and me sitting around waiting for him to make his mind up is underselling myself. He should not be able to have me as his friend and support system because that is one sided and a completely immature request. I hope he grows up and realises what he's lost, but I've got to move on with my life.

[SherrySher]

21 minutes ago, Cbshb said:

Thank you all honestly, this is what I needed to here - after so long and such a committed relationship his decision was selfish and disrespectful and me sitting around waiting for him to make his mind up is underselling myself. He should not be able to have me as his friend and support system because that is one sided and a completely immature request. I hope he grows up and realises what he's lost, but I've got to move on with my life.

Absolutely!

You have great value. You've got a good job, you have a good heart, you're loyal, responsible, etc

You ARE wife material.

Thousands of men are looking for someone EXACTLY like you.

If this bozo can't appreciate what he's got and thinks he can put you on the back burner while he runs around, then he doesn't deserve you.

Every decision has consequences, and him walking out on you like this, means he is not allowed any kind of access to you.

Having access to you is a privilege, and he lost that when he tossed away all the plans for the future with you.

Respect yourself more than tying your heart to some man who is willing to treat you so poorly.

[Andrina]

1 hour ago, Cbshb said:

The hope that he has acknowledged that maybe we'll realign in the future is what's keeping me going

This is always about a guy trying to avoid severe drama from the lady in the present. He feels like saying this will lessen the blow and let him exit without an emotional meltdown from his ex, allowing him to slither away in a more mellow fashion. Don't buy it.

Though you're too close to the situation to realize it, one day you will be so happy he freed you to find someone who will be crazy about you.

[waffle]

2 hours ago, SherrySher said:

Okay, to be more straight forward on what I was thinking.

He wants to go sleep around and not suffer any kind of consequences. 

It's not just travelling, he wants to be able to hook up with someone when he feels the need.

BINGO.

And being that it took him "days" (according to the OP) to come to the conclusion that he wants to be available to "travel", I think it's a safe bet he already has in mind exactly who he wants to hook up with.

Sorry, it completely sucks.  It sucks even more that he's feeding you nonsense like "let's reconnect in a year."  That's an insult.  He knows you don't want to lose him (even though in reality he's already gone) and he's using that to his advantage.  

I think we all (or at least a lot of us) get stuck in one of those "waiting" situations once in our lives.  Thankfully once is all it usually takes.

[Lambert]

3 hours ago, Cbshb said:

Thank you all honestly, this is what I needed to here - after so long and such a committed relationship his decision was selfish and disrespectful and me sitting around waiting for him to make his mind up is underselling myself. He should not be able to have me as his friend and support system because that is one sided and a completely immature request. I hope he grows up and realises what he's lost, but I've got to move on with my life.

Yes!

He has brass bulbs to put this all out there like he's so great... you just wait a year. maybe he'll change his mind. 

i don't know about you... but when I think of a partner and a life with someone this is completely NOT it. 

Trust yourself and your own path. There is another man out there that has yet to learn how his luck just changed.

The very best thing you can do is go on with your life and live it well, without him. 

Find your inner strength... burn the bridge on this guy. Save yourself, your self respect and self esteem... it is the only way. 

self empowerment... that's your focus... you seriously don't need his crap. 

[Kwothe28]

I am sorry, but he is probably not coming back. You dont break up the relationship like that and on top of all, selling mutual home, if you are not very certain about not coming back ever. He also probably has a hard time now(that is why all the mixed signals he sends) but trust me, it is his final decision that you should work on accepting. Others told you that maybe he wants to "live a life" a bit more and maybe they are right. He is fairly young so maybe he misses his old playboy life. However, I dont think he would ever do what he did if he was certain about you being the right one. He is just not, sorry, he himself said that to you. That doesnt mean there is anything wrong with you. Just that he doesnt see the future there. In the situations like that I wouldnt hope to reconciliation after a year and stuff like that. You need to heal now, try to do that and move on. There are far better men out there then some guy that would after 4 years together suddenly remembered how you are not for each other and just leave. You deserve better then that.

[MissCanuck]

This is probably over for good, OP. 

I am really sorry he did this now, but my guess is that he has got someone else in mind he wants to explore and he knows he doesn't feel strongly enough about you anymore to exclude all other options. When someone appears to suddently wake up one day and wants out, well, it isn't usually a sudden decision on their part. 

I would focus on moving forward and healing, and one day finding a guy who is totally sure about you and your future together. This one isn't, and it will be better in the end that it stops here. 

[Cbshb]

Now is it weird that he called my mother to explain after it happened - basically said I don't want her life to be ruined by my issues? 

Then texted her a few days later asking how I was and saying 'just so you know this is just as hard for me'. Is this just pure guilt?

He also asked his sister (she's 30) to reach out to me and she's been checking in on me every couple of days over the last few weeks.

And he's kept a personalised necklace he made for me.

I know I can't contact him, but I don't understand why he's done all of these things.

[Wiseman2]

26 minutes ago, Cbshb said:

 Is this just pure guilt?

Yes it seems to be. Ask your people not to talk to him. Also don't speak to his people.

It's creepy that he's doing these end runs around you to polish his imagine. It seems he knows he's a heel but doesn't want to look like one.

What is the significance of this necklace and why would he have it if it's yours?

Is it possible there's someone else? It seems sort of sudden, chaotic and laced with guilt.

[Cbshb]

9 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Yes it seems to be. Ask your people not to talk to him. Also don't speak to his people.

It's creepy that he's doing these end runs around you to polish his imagine. It seems he knows he's a heel but doesn't want to look like one.

What is the significance of this necklace and why would he have it if it's yours?

Is it possible there's someone else? It seems sort of sudden, chaotic and laced with guilt.

On it, I think it's in part keeping me trapped in thinking about him and hoping. Yes its guilty actions to try and rectify what he did. 

The necklace was just something he made me that I wore all the time, it's personalised so he can't give it to anyone else. I don't want it because of the memories but he's told me he's going to keep it which is just odd to me after all this.

I don't think so, he had been cheated on previously and was very cut up about it, so told me for a long time it's something he could never do. From what his sister told me he has a history of making these kind of rash decisions where he just makes big changes to his life like he gets bored, but never to the extent where he's just up and left a relationship like this. He's never been in a relationship for more than 2 years prior to this. 

 

[SherrySher]

46 minutes ago, Cbshb said:

Now is it weird that he called my mother to explain after it happened - basically said I don't want her life to be ruined by my issues? 

Then texted her a few days later asking how I was and saying 'just so you know this is just as hard for me'. Is this just pure guilt?

He also asked his sister (she's 30) to reach out to me and she's been checking in on me every couple of days over the last few weeks.

And he's kept a personalised necklace he made for me.

I know I can't contact him, but I don't understand why he's done all of these things.

Sounds like guilt to me.

I mean, yeah, he obviously has some feelings having been together for 4 years, but what you're describing is guilt, otherwise he would be by your side, begging you to come back, right?

[Cbshb]

5 minutes ago, SherrySher said:

Sounds like guilt to me.

I mean, yeah, he obviously has some feelings having been together for 4 years, but what you're describing is guilt, otherwise he would be by your side, begging you to come back, right?

Will atleast he is human and feels something. Yes I think if he still wanted to be with me then he would be begging me at this stage. I know for a fact he hasn't processed any feelings though just distracted himself with work so atleast I'm a step ahead in healing