How to get back into track after unfortunate relationships

[Buzz86]

I've had relationships with some ##holes the last two years and now I'm trying to get back into track but don't know what I should do in order to speed up the process.

I do exercise and eat healthy and most of the time I'm busy studying for the uni courses but a bit difficult to deal with.

 

So far, I've tried changing my phone number, cutting-off all the ways that could connect me to those frustrating, toxic people, doing regular exercises and having various activities.

But I feel I need to change something as the last stage of removing everything from my mind and I can't figure it out. I've improved a lot since the last time I'd been here and appreciate all your helps! I feel a lot better, optimism, got a cool job, my stress level has been reduced by a lot.

 

[SooSad33]

Good stuff that you've given it all some time and worked a lot out , exercising, etc 🙂 .

You feel something is missing?  

Do you have hobbies? Hang with friends? Journal? I find getting out that way also helps, as It's another form of 'release'. ( out of mind, onto paper).

Even things like yoga, can help you out- I find that's like a calming form, although slow movements. It's good.

You can also make your own environment pleasant.. adding plants, have some sunlight (brighten the home), enjoy nice scents ( i like candles) 🙂 .  And I do a lot of my own things and have 'my time', I do my crafts, watch my shows, in peace..lol

[Cherylyn]

Change the type of people you socialize with.  This is how you put yourself in a more mentally sound, stable, normal, kind environment.  Become very picky and choosy because it pays off later.

[Rose Mosse]

3 hours ago, Buzz86 said:

I've had relationships with some ##holes the last two years and now I'm trying to get back into track but don't know what I should do in order to speed up the process.

I do exercise and eat healthy and most of the time I'm busy studying for the uni courses but a bit difficult to deal with.

 

So far, I've tried changing my phone number, cutting-off all the ways that could connect me to those frustrating, toxic people, doing regular exercises and having various activities.

But I feel I need to change something as the last stage of removing everything from my mind and I can't figure it out. I've improved a lot since the last time I'd been here and appreciate all your helps! I feel a lot better, optimism, got a cool job, my stress level has been reduced by a lot.

What about time for play? Or work? Just studying can drive anyone nuts or feel disconnected from the real world. Do you work as well?

[Buzz86]

3 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

Good stuff that you've given it all some time and worked a lot out , exercising, etc 🙂 .

You feel something is missing?  

Do you have hobbies? Hang with friends? Journal? I find getting out that way also helps, as It's another form of 'release'. ( out of mind, onto paper).

Even things like yoga, can help you out- I find that's like a calming form, although slow movements. It's good.

You can also make your own environment pleasant.. adding plants, have some sunlight (brighten the home), enjoy nice scents ( i like candles) 🙂 .  And I do a lot of my own things and have 'my time', I do my crafts, watch my shows, in peace..lol

Ah thanks, very cool ideas. The only bad thing I would say I have is lack of having true friends and I hardly can change that for now and I accepted this situation because I have to concentrate on my study and I've figured it out that I can have such friends but not here where I live. I used to be friends with a girl from the UK and she helped me a lot getting past things that I'd found difficult but I didn't try to make the friendship stronger as I wasn't mentally ready and didn't want to involve other another person's emotions while I'm not sure of my mental state.

Yep and that's it; friends, I don't have good ones (saddening)(the ones that I could hang out with and get support from, this is a kind of shallow friendship) for now of course.

I've always been wondering what I will have to do with my current friendships (which are shallow friendships if you ask me, they only approach when they need something. They never call or text or anything at all (this is the thing that my last friend (a girl) realized but it was so late (that she should take care of such things). For now, I enjoy my own company.

Yeah those are cool ideas I'm gonna try them for sure xD thanks.

 

[Buzz86]

4 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

Change the type of people you socialize with.  This is how you put yourself in a more mentally sound, stable, normal, kind environment.  Become very picky and choosy because it pays off later.

Exactly and I haven't been aware of this. Good point indeed. I've figured out that culture plays an important role here and this has been the main reason why things didn't go in a good way. Thanks for that, noted.

 

[Buzz86]

3 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

What about time for play? Or work? Just studying can drive anyone nuts or feel disconnected from the real world. Do you work as well?

Yep I'm working part-time (since I'm a student) and trying to socialize with people that potentially could help me improve and I'm currently satisfied with it because its community is multi-cultural.

I play online games, make music xD

Those are the things I can do for now because I'm busy with uni stuff.

 

I would like to ask a question if you don't mind. I'm trying my best to get admission from one of the US grad schools and I'm wondering when I should try befriending other people or dating there? (if you ask me, right after getting there lol because I'm somehow familiar with its culture since I've had friends there) just curious.

[Cherylyn]

Concentrate on your studies.  Friends who are similar to your personality and character will be available when you're ready. 

In the meantime, if your shallow friends approach you only because you will benefit them or they need something, politely decline.  Be gentle yet well mannered and firm.  People only take advantage of you if you allow them to.  It's better to be alone than lonely with the wrong people in your life.

[Buzz86]

12 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

Concentrate on your studies.  Friends who are similar to your personality and character will be available when you're ready. 

In the meantime, if your shallow friends approach you only because you will benefit them or they need something, politely decline.  Be gentle yet well mannered and firm.  People only take advantage of you if you allow them to.  It's better to be alone than lonely with the wrong people in your life.

Yes exactly. I think I'm mostly a talkative person when it comes to talking to my friends (and again frustrating; because I don't have such friends in real life. I've only known a few people online that were acting very interestingly, sharing common values and even personality traits that I'd never worried about the texting/calling thing. How would YOU deal with such people that would never contact? I understand that people can be pretty busy these days, but how about not talking for a while. For example, is it normal that your friends would never contact you unless you initiate a "short" conversation? I have no idea about this(I'm not ugly or anything like that. Colleagues and professors think very highly of me). These are the people that cared and talked to me in my difficult times (to some extent, but not noticeably supportive though). I'm not an egocentric person to dishonor their good deeds; all I'm trying to say is that they won't change a few minor things that I would like them to do. I've tried many times to change this but they didn't change. (let's just imagine I've moved out to another country, I can say this without a doubt that they will, as I will, forget each other like nothing was existed because they don't contribute to the friendship itself. That's what I've always been skeptical of. I think although they could be supportive, they are not my type.

Sorry, I'm just trying to make sure everything is just right.

[Buzz86]

Seems like they are just thinking of a short-term friendship while I'm looking for a long-term one. Yep, that's it. Because they have never talked about their future plans unlike I do and when I asked about it, they had no idea.

[Rose Mosse]

16 hours ago, Buzz86 said:

I would like to ask a question if you don't mind. I'm trying my best to get admission from one of the US grad schools and I'm wondering when I should try befriending other people or dating there? (if you ask me, right after getting there lol because I'm somehow familiar with its culture since I've had friends there) just curious.

You seem a bit eager. That's good. Keep up the motivation but chill out and lay back for a bit. Focus on getting into the school you like and enroll in the classes you need to enroll in. There are always jitters not knowing anyone in a new place but don't overplan everything. Have fun.

[Buzz86]

10 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

You seem a bit eager. That's good. Keep up the motivation but chill out and lay back for a bit. Focus on getting into the school you like and enroll in the classes you need to enroll in. There are always jitters not knowing anyone in a new place but don't overplan everything. Have fun.

Yeah you're right. I tried commenting about it but then removed. That's right, living in the moment matters. I will think of it later when I find myself ready for that. Let's just focus on studying.

Thanks.

[Cherylyn]

5 hours ago, Buzz86 said:

Yes exactly. I think I'm mostly a talkative person when it comes to talking to my friends (and again frustrating; because I don't have such friends in real life. I've only known a few people online that were acting very interestingly, sharing common values and even personality traits that I'd never worried about the texting/calling thing. How would YOU deal with such people that would never contact? I understand that people can be pretty busy these days, but how about not talking for a while. For example, is it normal that your friends would never contact you unless you initiate a "short" conversation? I have no idea about this(I'm not ugly or anything like that. Colleagues and professors think very highly of me). These are the people that cared and talked to me in my difficult times (to some extent, but not noticeably supportive though). I'm not an egocentric person to dishonor their good deeds; all I'm trying to say is that they won't change a few minor things that I would like them to do. I've tried many times to change this but they didn't change. (let's just imagine I've moved out to another country, I can say this without a doubt that they will, as I will, forget each other like nothing was existed because they don't contribute to the friendship itself. That's what I've always been skeptical of. I think although they could be supportive, they are not my type.

Sorry, I'm just trying to make sure everything is just right.

Lower your expectations of others and you won't feel surprised, shocked nor disappointed anymore.  With all due respect, in some regards you are naive as I once was.  Like you, I was sensitive once upon a time.  No more.  I've come to the conclusion to accept people as they are even though I may not always agree with how they act towards me.  For example, either they'll forget about me, they're apathetic, indifferent, very busy with their own lives, preoccupied with their troubles, poor health or endless other reasons.  Once you accept this concept, you will feel numb towards people and know  this is universal human nature.

Not everyone is available at your disposal.  I have a few close friends in my life.  However, I deliberately back off and give them lots of time and space.  They come around eventually but I'm not waiting for them.  I'm very busy with my own life.  We schedule something but my expectations are not high.  I'm realistic, reasonable and flexible. 

Follow other people's cues.  If they're enthusiastic about socializing with you in person or during correspondence, then do what's comfortable for you and respond kindly and generously.  If you sense they're very busy for whatever reason, give them a wide berth.  Exercise discretion. 

Even though some people might be considered friends, realistically, some people are just good acquaintances.  The less you expect, the less you'll feel hurt. 

You really need to concentrate and focus on your studies and you will reap what you sow later. 

I didn't have friends back in the day.  I was extremely consumed with working full time grave yard shift, financially supported my young, widowed mother and younger siblings while enrolled full time in college.  By the time weekends arrived, I was mentally and physically exhausted.  I didn't have time, energy nor brain space for friends.  I know I should have but I felt drained. 

After years of toil, I finally rose up the ranks at work. I graduated and FINALLY had time and enthusiasm for socializing.  I had the time of my life because suddenly I was surrounded by friends who had arrived just as I had done.  I had exclusive membership to the same successful and prosperous club.  Those were the glory years.   Your time in the sun will come if you study hard, work hard and remain patient.  

It can feel lonely while you're a student and early in a career.  The real fun begins after you've made it.  Then you'll barely have time for an endless steady stream of friends who will be crawling out of the woodwork.   Success attracts success.  Birds of a feather flock together.  When you're a winner, you'll suddenly be surrounded by winners, too.  It's how life works.  Keep in mind, you can also afford to become very picky and choosy regarding your preference for high quality people in your life.  Good things happen to those who wait as my mother used to say.

 

[Buzz86]

On 10/15/2021 at 1:34 AM, Cherylyn said:

Lower your expectations of others and you won't feel surprised, shocked nor disappointed anymore.  With all due respect, in some regards you are naive as I once was.  Like you, I was sensitive once upon a time.  No more.  I've come to the conclusion to accept people as they are even though I may not always agree with how they act towards me.  For example, either they'll forget about me, they're apathetic, indifferent, very busy with their own lives, preoccupied with their troubles, poor health or endless other reasons.  Once you accept this concept, you will feel numb towards people and know  this is universal human nature.

Not everyone is available at your disposal.  I have a few close friends in my life.  However, I deliberately back off and give them lots of time and space.  They come around eventually but I'm not waiting for them.  I'm very busy with my own life.  We schedule something but my expectations are not high.  I'm realistic, reasonable and flexible. 

Follow other people's cues.  If they're enthusiastic about socializing with you in person or during correspondence, then do what's comfortable for you and respond kindly and generously.  If you sense they're very busy for whatever reason, give them a wide berth.  Exercise discretion. 

Even though some people might be considered friends, realistically, some people are just good acquaintances.  The less you expect, the less you'll feel hurt. 

You really need to concentrate and focus on your studies and you will reap what you sow later. 

I didn't have friends back in the day.  I was extremely consumed with working full time grave yard shift, financially supported my young, widowed mother and younger siblings while enrolled full time in college.  By the time weekends arrived, I was mentally and physically exhausted.  I didn't have time, energy nor brain space for friends.  I know I should have but I felt drained. 

After years of toil, I finally rose up the ranks at work. I graduated and FINALLY had time and enthusiasm for socializing.  I had the time of my life because suddenly I was surrounded by friends who had arrived just as I had done.  I had exclusive membership to the same successful and prosperous club.  Those were the glory years.   Your time in the sun will come if you study hard, work hard and remain patient.  

It can feel lonely while you're a student and early in a career.  The real fun begins after you've made it.  Then you'll barely have time for an endless steady stream of friends who will be crawling out of the woodwork.   Success attracts success.  Birds of a feather flock together.  When you're a winner, you'll suddenly be surrounded by winners, too.  It's how life works.  Keep in mind, you can also afford to become very picky and choosy regarding your preference for high quality people in your life.  Good things happen to those who wait as my mother used to say.

 

Thanks so much for your guidance and for telling me about your experiences appreciate that.
I've figured out what my problem is.
The problem is that I fantasize to infinity. Either it is talking to a female or male.
I fantasize like imagining how the perfect girlfriend would look like and my brain tries to replicate this pattern and make it exactly the same as the way I fantasized.
And this leads to disappointment.
Not only with girls but males as well (Fantasizing about the perfect male friend, for example trying to collaborate on some projects in the future and then having our start-up) and this leads to a disappointment as well.

When it comes to a girl which I have a feeling for, I make a perfect image of them without my knowledge, and then I compare "that perfect image" with what they currently are and with how the relationship I want to be, and then I get frustrated again. Because neither they are perfect, nor they have any plan for the relationship (like what are the boundaries, what are the expectations, and things like that. they just want to have somebody in their life without any proper plans and that's what I hate most).

I have an overly perfectionist personality trait. I understand that they are behaving normally and this is me who has lots of expectations. Whatever I look into, is just an obsession with perfection.
Expectations cause me to expect a kind of "fast process" in everything and that ruins everything. Oh damn, thanks so much. Can you believe you helped me figure out something that I've been looking for a long time? I knew that I've inclined toward the "being fast in everything" concept, but didn't know what the underlying reasons could be.

Let me further elaborate on this. In friendships:
High expectations >> they should be fast and perfect >> they should answer fast, message/call more, they should become the best in the uni, trying to turn a normal relationship into a girlfriend thing while they are not my type (fantasizing and perfectionism) and so on.

Yeah xD I understand what you're saying. The real fun begins when you have satisfied the most basic needs (like securing a job and having money and the inner satisfaction that comes from our perception of the situation; like have we achieved what we've been fighting for? and so on)

Tbh I feel a bit insecure, mainly because in here; where I live, people of the same age tend to engage in trivial stuff that AT LEAST makes them happier for some time.
But I haven't done such stuff, either it is timepassing with friends or enjoying my time with a random girlfriend. All that I've done has been studying non-stop chasing my dreams.
I tried to convince myself with such thoughts that I will have whatever I want when I achieve my priority goal but yet, fails.
That's why I seem to be eager for example to enter a girlfriend relationship because I'm not sure about the future whether my hard work will pay off one day or not. What if it doesn't pay off? My goal is like this: Get admission and run, then buy my fav car, a house, have a group of true friends, run a start-up, a girlfriend of my type, marriage, and so on. 

[Buzz86]

This is good, because I've figured out a few important things. Now I'm gonna think about an action plan.

AND I haven't asked you guys how my English is (definitely it's obvious I'm not a native English speaker), but curious about it. Would appreciate that if I could have a feedback on my English communication skills, whether you can easily understand what I'm trying to say or not. Thanks.

[lostandhurt]

Have you forgiven yourself for your bad choices as far as relationships go?  You sound like you want to fix something like you are broken.  Do you feel broken?

 From what I have read you are doing exceptionally well so slow your roll a little and and let some things come to you instead of feeling like you need to force the issue.  Friendships is one of those things that just happen but you certainly can do things to increase your chances of making a good friend.

All in all you have your priorities in order, you are self aware of your faults and are working to improve who you are and you are open to new ideas.  There are a lot of people your age that aren't even close to where you are.

 Give yourself a break

Lost

PS  Your writing is easy to read and understand.

[Buzz86]

23 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

Have you forgiven yourself for your bad choices as far as relationships go?  You sound like you want to fix something like you are broken.  Do you feel broken?

 From what I have read you are doing exceptionally well so slow your roll a little and and let some things come to you instead of feeling like you need to force the issue.  Friendships is one of those things that just happen but you certainly can do things to increase your chances of making a good friend.

All in all you have your priorities in order, you are self aware of your faults and are working to improve who you are and you are open to new ideas.  There are a lot of people your age that aren't even close to where you are.

 Give yourself a break

Lost

I wouldn't think of the bad choices that way. I mean I'm up for an experience; it could be heart-breaking or showing you the way of life.
It's hard for me to say whether I'm heartbroken or not because a person that goes through trauma can't decide on anything (a trauma mainly caused by trying hard to be a better person). Just tried asking myself whether I'm heartbroken or not and I couldn't give it a proper answer.
Yep, that's right. let's just forget everything and take a break from thinking about things. Thanks so much for your supportive comment : )

[Rose Mosse]

33 minutes ago, Buzz86 said:

All that I've done has been studying non-stop chasing my dreams.
I tried to convince myself with such thoughts that I will have whatever I want when I achieve my priority goal but yet, fails.
That's why I seem to be eager for example to enter a girlfriend relationship because I'm not sure about the future whether my hard work will pay off one day or not. What if it doesn't pay off? My goal is like this: Get admission and run, then buy my fav car, a house, have a group of true friends, run a start-up, a girlfriend of my type, marriage, and so on. 

Ok that's fine. Have your goals but learn to roll with it also. Studying non-stop with no work or play will only cause burn out. You have no life outside of school and your mind is healthy and active. Put it to good use and start volunteering or involving yourself in other activities or sports. You appear to have good drive and motivation to do well but your mind is spinning in the mud. For example, I have a niece who loves animals, specifically birds. She volunteers some of her time on weekends at a bird sanctuary for rehabilitation of wild and abandoned birds, some local and some exotic. She's adopted two parrots in the process and her work at the hospital working with people has a new dimension. She also cares for animals in her free time. 

Being a perfectionist is well and good but don't overdo it and live in a world of fantasy as you describe. Make better use of your time. 

People are layered and sometimes complex. If you are looking for a meaningful relationship, you need to work on being multi-faceted yourself and keep up your motivation and drive. 

Your English is good.

[Andrina]

Usually there are so many clubs available at UNI that you could join. See which one strikes your interest. But from what you've written, I'd change your mindset in this case to just enjoying a group of people in an interesting social environment--a good way to enjoy the minimal leisure time you have.

Sometimes friendships take years of exposure to each other before a closer friendship evolves. Sometimes people click right away. You need to be realistic that instant friendships are more rare. If you're too intense and thirsty to make a friend, you will scare him/her away just as you would with a gf, going too fast.

What I get from what you're writing is first and foremost in a friendship you want a shoulder to lean on. Someone to help you through problems. Most people initially think of new friendships as a source of good company to enjoy a meal with and to chat about common interests. Later, if you've developed a strong bond, it's good to have a sympathetic ear, but if you find yourself friendless, it could be that you overdo that need for a person to cry about your problems to.

You might start a study group for people in your major. I went back to college to get a B.A. in my late twenties. A group of us oldies in my major, about 8 of us decided to form a study group and would meet at each others homes and shared notes, etc. and had discussions about the professors' lectures.

Even if no lasting friendships form, there is still quality to short-term connections such as this. Seems as though your mind could use some expanding. That's why the expression exists of "thinking outside of the box." 

Good luck, and let us know how it goes.

[Buzz86]

4 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

Ok that's fine. Have your goals but learn to roll with it also. Studying non-stop with no work or play will only cause burn out. You have no life outside of school and your mind is healthy and active. Put it to good use and start volunteering or involving yourself in other activities or sports. You appear to have good drive and motivation to do well but your mind is spinning in the mud. For example, I have a niece who loves animals, specifically birds. She volunteers some of her time on weekends at a bird sanctuary for rehabilitation of wild and abandoned birds, some local and some exotic. She's adopted two parrots in the process and her work at the hospital working with people has a new dimension. She also cares for animals in her free time. 

Being a perfectionist is well and good but don't overdo it and live in a world of fantasy as you describe. Make better use of your time. 

People are layered and sometimes complex. If you are looking for a meaningful relationship, you need to work on being multi-faceted yourself and keep up your motivation and drive. 

Your English is good.

That's right. I work too(part-time though) and do volunteer projects as well.
I don't have enough time to do things. I think I haven't fully described my situation yet, that's why. I'm a senior in the uni, and my current major is related to Engineering and I'm gonna change my major to Physics (so I've been having to study the 4-year materials in 2 years all by myself), and in the meanwhile, I've been pursuing a minor in computer science and attending many other courses including vocational training, workshops, online courses .... Ohhh that's a long list right? Add my current uni courses to these! That's a lot of pressure already and I can't do anything about that, because that's how I can make a buff in my resume. Classes 6 days a week, and volunteer work on the seventh one lol. So, unfortunately, I can't do anything regarding this.

[Buzz86]

14 minutes ago, Andrina said:

Usually there are so many clubs available at UNI that you could join. See which one strikes your interest. But from what you've written, I'd change your mindset in this case to just enjoying a group of people in an interesting social environment--a good way to enjoy the minimal leisure time you have.

Sometimes friendships take years of exposure to each other before a closer friendship evolves. Sometimes people click right away. You need to be realistic that instant friendships are more rare. If you're too intense and thirsty to make a friend, you will scare him/her away just as you would with a gf, going too fast.

What I get from what you're writing is first and foremost in a friendship you want a shoulder to lean on. Someone to help you through problems. Most people initially think of new friendships as a source of good company to enjoy a meal with and to chat about common interests. Later, if you've developed a strong bond, it's good to have a sympathetic ear, but if you find yourself friendless, it could be that you overdo that need for a person to cry about your problems to.

You might start a study group for people in your major. I went back to college to get a B.A. in my late twenties. A group of us oldies in my major, about 8 of us decided to form a study group and would meet at each others homes and shared notes, etc. and had discussions about the professors' lectures.

Even if no lasting friendships form, there is still quality to short-term connections such as this. Seems as though your mind could use some expanding. That's why the expression exists of "thinking outside of the box." 

Good luck, and let us know how it goes.

Yep, excellent points! I understand I need to change the way I think about various things including the friendship definition itself and the way I can make a long-lasting relationship. I will need a few months to work around this because I need to re-form my thoughts pattern. I feel I've come one step closer to the actual roots of such problems and I'm currently working on them one after another.

Thanks everybody ❤️ for your time and help. Will try my best and get back to you guys whenever I'm done working on these stuff.

 

[Cherylyn]

Thank you for your kind words, Buzz86.

Stop fantasizing because fantasy is the opposite of reality.  If you continue to fantasize who is perfect for you, you'll be forever disappointed because your ideal fantasy will not match real life. 

I've observed people both successful and prosperous males and females.  They share common traits.  Keep in mind that if you want a catch whether in a lady or a male friend, you have to have that draw.  Usually, that draw stems from financial independence, achievements and thriving in your life.  Most people are attracted to winners.  I've noticed that a lot of people who attract high quality people don't have to try so hard to search.  It is they who can suddenly afford to become very picky and choosy.  If you stick with your original plan with concentrating on your education and career, everything else falls into place. 

You'll have more to offer compared to now.   Often times, people don't see your struggle or the long painstaking road it took to arrive at your successful destination.  They flock to you as you enjoy the fruits of your labor.  This is human nature.  

Focus on making the grade instead of wallowing in your misery with all due respect.  Time goes by so fast if you have a vision for your career and meet those goals.  Then suddenly, you'll be so popular that you will be the one who will decline due to lack of time to squeeze everyone into your schedule or life.  Remember, haste makes waste.  Prioritize your life and good times come later.  Work hard today and enjoy coasting later.  I speak from experience.

Regarding friendships or relationships, successful people are doing what you're doing.  They're concentrating on education, career and getting ahead in life.  Then when it's time to enjoy socializing at their leisure, they have a grand time because eventually there will be more time to do so.  You'll elevate yourself in social class, demographics and socioeconomic class.  Until then, make wise use of your time and prioritize your education and career first.

If you're impatient, you can join organizations as others had suggested.  However, keep in mind, your time is limited and with limited time, you'll end up sacrificing relationships or friendships. 

Regarding other people of the same age tending to engage in trivial stuff, don't pay attention to them because whatever makes them happy is their shallow business and shouldn't matter to you.  Don't be preoccupied with other people.   Remain focused on your responsibilities and priorities right now. 

Your hard work will pay off.  Everything else will fall into place AFTER you set your priorities straight.  You will have more to offer later which is a good life for a long term commitment, marriage and perhaps a family.  You will  rise up the ranks socially with friends whom you have more in common with regarding your profession, values, character and class.  Remain patient!

 

 

 

 

 

[limichelle]

Hey,

I strongly believe what we put out into the universe we get back. So if you could get rid of the toxic people in your life that will help with sending out positive energy. 
 

Your positive energy will attract like minded positive people.

For the negativity that’s out there you need to come first always. If someone is trying to drain your energy by not respecting you or trying to impose their drama onto you, cut them off immediately. Know you are in the right to get away from anyone that’s not coming from a good place. 
 

Stop also giving people the benefit of the doubt. That they may change for the better. Or trying to understand why they do what they do.  
 

Have yourself protected not guarded but protected. There’s a huge difference. Protected means you set boundaries that are healthy and strong. Guarded means you absorb a lot of mistrust with everyone and can easily become hardened and jaded. 
 

Give more time to those worth it

 

good luck!

[Buzz86]

On 10/13/2021 at 11:48 PM, Cherylyn said:

Change the type of people you socialize with.  This is how you put yourself in a more mentally sound, stable, normal, kind environment.  Become very picky and choosy because it pays off later.

Hey, after a few months of contemplation, I've come to realize that this is me who has been making things worse, mainly because of high standards, being extremely picky, and impatient.
It wasn't all my fault either, those who I had a connection with were not at all up to my expectations, and I'd been unknowingly playing games with people.

I've realized some patterns need to be demolished, some thoughts patterns that potentially ruin a relationship. I would not let the partners approach, and in the meanwhile, I want them to have feelings for me.

When not in a relationship, I feel highly confident, which attracts. I look highly insecure and impatient in relationships (like playing games with people), and there's repulsion.

Of course, it's not only about my issues, the partners hadn't had some personality traits that are most valuable for me, like they were only trying to win me, and that's why I'd been unknowingly playing games; letting them be disrespectful and crossing the boundaries and start playing games with them. This is a psychological pattern that would happen in specific situations, and I'm aware of that. And also I suspect it's the social media pressure. Because in the real life out of the social media, I'm extremely picky and confident, exactly opposite of what I look in online scenarios.

I've decided to temporarily stop initiating any relationships, work on my mental health, and pursue my dreams. I'm not in hurry to initiate a good and serious relationship/friendship. It feels like being a real man ngl.

 

[Buzz86]

One important question. How to deal with the social media pressure? seems like nowadays people are so different in real life than who they show up online.