Gaslighting

[Bubbles938]

I feel very irritated. My bf of 5 years and I have a child together one years old and I stay home during the week and watch the baby so he can work an 8hr day shift. Once he gets off he takes a 2hr *** and shower and finally comes downstairs to relieve me. I go take my shower about 45 mins to an hour. Then I wash bottles and cook dinner.

Fast forward to today when I have to go to work.. I get off same time he does take an hour in the bathroom come downstairs to get the baby. He goes up to shower and doesn’t come down for hours. I’m yelling for him to come down periodically.

He finally comes down at 7:00. The house is a mess. I managed to wash dishes while watching the baby. No dinner cooked I guess we’re eating take out. So when he comes down I ask “&where the hell have you been?” He responds with his typical answer. “Don’t talk to me like I’m a child” “ if you need help bring him up stairs” (but me bringing him upstairs mean him being stuck to only play in the bedroom bc his dad wants to watch football)..

I’m at my last straw I’m tired of having to do it all with minimal help . I wonder have a waited to long to leave. I’m a nurse. So I could be well off alone I’m just tired of arguing about this same issue he feels he’s the only person entitled to a break and I’m the one who picks up the slack😮‍💨😤

[Lambert]

it's never too late to leave. I'm not sure what you mean by that? 

[waffle]

Gaslighting???  

Sounds like typical stressed-out working parents to me.

[Cherylyn]

Take advantage of having the ability to be financially independent.  You don't need to accept nor tolerate your boyfriend's despicable behavior. 

[MissCanuck]

Was this baby planned?

I ask only because he seems quite detached and disinterested in being a dad. Does he interact much with the little one, or just when it suits him? 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Bubbles938 said:

I’m a nurse. So I could be well off alone I’m just tired of arguing about this same issue 

Sorry this is happening. Start by only taking care of yourself and your child. Do not shop, cook, clean, do laundry,etc. for a grown man.

Nagging doesn't help as you've seen. He'll just hide in the bathroom, bedroom, in front of the TV.

Talking is easy to ignore. But an empty fridge, no dinner and no clean clothes is something he'll have to get off his butt and do something about.

Since you are not married and have a well paid profession, walking away and saving your sanity will be easier.

Start now. Stop doing all unnessary household stuff, except for you and your child. Start severing all financial ties. Enlist the help of trusted friends and family.

Then, you'll only have work and parenting to worry about. He'll have to pay child support, work out custody/visitation and take care of himself.

 

[Rose Mosse]

10 hours ago, Bubbles938 said:

I feel very irritated. My bf of 5 years and I have a child together one years old and I stay home during the week and watch the baby so he can work an 8hr day shift. Once he gets off he takes a 2hr *** and shower and finally comes downstairs to relieve me. I go take my shower about 45 mins to an hour. Then I wash bottles and cook dinner.

Fast forward to today when I have to go to work.. I get off same time he does take an hour in the bathroom come downstairs to get the baby. He goes up to shower and doesn’t come down for hours. I’m yelling for him to come down periodically.

He finally comes down at 7:00. The house is a mess. I managed to wash dishes while watching the baby. No dinner cooked I guess we’re eating take out. So when he comes down I ask “&where the hell have you been?” He responds with his typical answer. “Don’t talk to me like I’m a child” “ if you need help bring him up stairs” (but me bringing him upstairs mean him being stuck to only play in the bedroom bc his dad wants to watch football)..

I’m at my last straw I’m tired of having to do it all with minimal help . I wonder have a waited to long to leave. I’m a nurse. So I could be well off alone I’m just tired of arguing about this same issue he feels he’s the only person entitled to a break and I’m the one who picks up the slack😮‍💨😤

Has the relationship always been like this? What do you think he's doing upstairs if he's not spending his time with his partner and child? Why does he avoid you and the baby? I ask to hear your thoughts or what you think is happening. You're describing being at your wit's end but why do you think he's acting this way? 

[Andrina]

While deciding whether you will stay with him or not, for now, you should sit down with him and come up with a weekly duty schedule and post it on the refrigerator. Word this request in a way to show how it will lessen the family stress. That each person will know what's expected instead of leaving it up in the air of whose turn it is to plan dinner, etc.

I'd also mention how much your son misses you both during the day while he is in daycare, and how playing with him, reading him a book, making bath time fun by playing along with him with bath toys etc. in the evening is something your son will always remember and appreciate.

Make sure and notice the good things and mention them, i.e., "Wow, our little boy's eyes totally lit up when you were down on the floor playing cars with him." Be complimentary when he's the one who cooked. The best way to change someone else's behavior is to change your own. It's strange to think about, but eliciting the wanted behavior from a human is the same as training a dog. Reward good behavior and that behavior will be repeated.

Make sure you have regular date nights/days to stay emotionally connected.

Was he a good partner to you before your child was born? Did his fair share of chores? Took good care of you when you were sick? Came to your aid in an emergency? Made you a priority? Trying to figure out what he's been like before becoming a father to get a better sense of your relationship.

[Bubbles938]

5 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

Has the relationship always been like this? What do you think he's doing upstairs if he's not spending his time with his partner and child? Why does he avoid you and the baby? I ask to hear your thoughts or what you think is happening. You're describing being at your wit's end but why do you think he's acting this way? 

Before the baby he worked 2nd shift. Got off at 11pm played video games until 2-3am slept til 2pm when it was time to get up and go to work. He’s playing video games upstairs and watching football . Things he can do in the room with me and the baby. He makes an excuse to go upstairs and just doesn’t come back down. I think he doesn’t want to share responsibility in watching the baby . Hes 1 years old and busy. I just can’t get much done without help. 

[Bubbles938]

3 hours ago, Andrina said:

While deciding whether you will stay with him or not, for now, you should sit down with him and come up with a weekly duty schedule and post it on the refrigerator. Word this request in a way to show how it will lessen the family stress. That each person will know what's expected instead of leaving it up in the air of whose turn it is to plan dinner, etc.

I'd also mention how much your son misses you both during the day while he is in daycare, and how playing with him, reading him a book, making bath time fun by playing along with him with bath toys etc. in the evening is something your son will always remember and appreciate.

Make sure and notice the good things and mention them, i.e., "Wow, our little boy's eyes totally lit up when you were down on the floor playing cars with him." Be complimentary when he's the one who cooked. The best way to change someone else's behavior is to change your own. It's strange to think about, but eliciting the wanted behavior from a human is the same as training a dog. Reward good behavior and that behavior will be repeated.

Make sure you have regular date nights/days to stay emotionally connected.

Was he a good partner to you before your child was born? Did his fair share of chores? Took good care of you when you were sick? Came to your aid in an emergency? Made you a priority? Trying to figure out what he's been like before becoming a father to get a better sense of your relationship.

Thank you for those ideas i think the stress is mounting because he goes out with friends. When the baby was 6 months old he went to Florida for a weekend for a friends wedding. He goes to concerts and I NEVER get a break. He was a cheater before the baby was born. We have moved past it and I’m not suspicious of anything like that. In pregnancy we were closer than ever . Since the baby he’s like a teenager sneaking away to play video games and it’s annoying. I understand he should have leisure time too but it’s hard to think of that when I don’t have any. 

[smackie9]

Cheaters have a type of personality, that is immature and self entitled. They play games, and lie their way through life. He's still that guy, and has you duped again. It will never change with him. Leave.

*His way of coping is avoidance and escapism.

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, Bubbles938 said:

He makes an excuse to go upstairs and just doesn’t come back down. I think he doesn’t want to share responsibility in watching the baby . 

Agree. He's avoiding it. This is why talking or even worse, chore lists, will never work because he'll ignore it and avoid it still.

The best thing to do is narrow down your workload to only your job, your child and yourself. Focus only on that. 

Actions speak louder than words, especially with passive-aggressive maneuvers like plopping in front of the TV or pretending he needs a hours to shower when in fact his goal is win-win for him.

He gets to sit on his lazy butt and by jerking you around with that, figures you'll get fed up and just do it yourself. Don't. No shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. for him. If he has to wear his underwear inside out, eat potato chips for dinner, so be it.

 

 

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, smackie9 said:

Cheaters have a type of personality, that is immature and self entitled

Exactly. 

Just because you trust him again doesn't mean he cares about you or respects you again, OP. He might not currently be cheating, but his behaviour is your evidence that he still cares more about himself and his needs and his desires than yours - or your child's, evidently.

He's quite checked out. 

[Rose Mosse]

23 hours ago, Bubbles938 said:

Before the baby he worked 2nd shift. Got off at 11pm played video games until 2-3am slept til 2pm when it was time to get up and go to work. He’s playing video games upstairs and watching football . Things he can do in the room with me and the baby. He makes an excuse to go upstairs and just doesn’t come back down. I think he doesn’t want to share responsibility in watching the baby . Hes 1 years old and busy. I just can’t get much done without help. 

I'd limit the number of things you do for him such as laundry or dinner. He (your partner) will have to fend for himself. Your partner is living as if the baby and you don't exist. Think of it as a matter of survival and streamline your chores, start enjoying that time with your baby and making meals, bathing, playing and enjoying that space with the two of you. 

Once you're calm and at peace, decide whether this is where you want to be for the long term. Make that decision once you've come to accept the situation as it is.