confusing messy end

[Wiseman2]

On 10/4/2021 at 6:10 AM, Rambo_Zee said:

then she drops out of uni and doesn’t seem to have drive or the want to get a job

she does not drive. Her parents will take her anywhere. They will take her too and from work. Drop her off to hobbies and gigs. 

Her mum still pays for her phone bill. She used to say to me paying me rent was silly because she could move back at home where her parents doesn’t charger her rent.

she wants to go to Brazil for 3 months to dance. 

Ok focus on all the incompatibilities. It had to end sooner or later.

Your goals are completely different and you have no respect for her as you describe her as a pampered spoiled brat. 

Try to avoid the whole should've, could've would've thing. 

[Rambo_Zee]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

didn't she ask you to? Were you supposed to say "NO!"?) or because you deleted her off social media.

At the end of the conversation I believe I mentioned I couldn’t believe she allowed me to sit there for over two hours opening up, being vulnerable etc when all along she felt like she did. I said if this is how she felt she should of just told me when I first saw her.

’her response was we needed to talk things through’ to which I replied that’s crap. As I got up I said someone would be in contact to drop all your stuff round ‘ her response I was something like ‘ ok if that’s how it is’ or ‘ok something or other’ it was hard to understand as she was sobbing her eyes out and at this point I was heading out the door.

it’s ok I realise yesterday I was just at a low point, work was stressing me out and I needed some time out.

The good old bargaining/denial stage 😶 that is certainly where I’m at. 
I have found a few more of her belongings at mine though as she didn’t ask for them it’s tough sh*t basically. I do not want to make contact with her and if they were important she would of added them to her list.

 

I know I’ve been posting a lot and I appreciate all your replies. I guess instead of writing in a journal I kinda of vent - open up on here. 
I know it’s not always easy to portray the whole story and I’m far from mr.perfect.

but I do know my worth. I walked away from her even after knowing she had gone behind my back yet still got an emotional slap in the face. When I think about that weekend, and how she had been talking to the guy from her work plus this new festival guy from the weekend it makes me angry. The total disrespect she showed whilst continuing to act like all was ok. The morning I confronted her she spoke about the festival to me and what her and her mates got up to. Looking back now knowing during this convo she knew she had got a guys number yet was treating me how she had been for a while.

as someone said and I think it was wiseman…it’s clear she checked out of the relationship long ago. I just can’t believe she strung me along for so long. Then to say ‘she felt something for me she hadn’t in a long time’ just feels like a kick in the teeth. Not knowing what was truth and what was lies is something I have to learn to accept and will never quite know why she acted or treated me the way she did.

I know I deserve better….it’s just rebuilding myself and getting myself out of this ‘emotional slum’ I’m currently stuck in

[Rambo_Zee]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

didn't she ask you to? Were you supposed to say "NO!"?) or because you deleted her off 

[MissCanuck]

11 hours ago, Rambo_Zee said:

It’s just what a friend said to me the other night. When he was asking if I’ve heard from her. He said fact I dropped her stuff back to her was a clear message we were done

This is moot, simply because she was already done. Whether or you dropped off her things made no difference to the final outcome. 

Your friend is off-base. Way off-base. 

[Rambo_Zee]

Well I went through and deleted photos from my Mac tonight. It wasn’t a good split and quite frankly I don’t want memories of my ex because how she messed me around towards the end.

strange looking back over photos.

 

I did find a hat of hers today under some clothes of mine. Seems she didn’t want that back 😂 not sure whether to throw it not to be honest 🤷🏻‍♂️

[Rambo_Zee]

Funnily enough a spoke to a mate today over WhatsApp. He mentioned I had seemed happy for a while.

 

looking back over our texts back to June/July it seems I had my fears then. Our conversation would be about how I never got to see her and she didn’t make any effort etc. That I was beginning to become unhappy. I told my friend I had talks with her about it but obviously as I now know nothing changes.

 

I guess this is a lesson for me in future. When my gut instinct is telling me something is off. That I’m not feeling like my partner is putting effort in etc then I need to walk away. 

i wonder why I’m hurting so much though. Why I can’t shake this low feeling. A sense of am I not good enough. What did I do wrong. It’s taken it’s toll on my confidence massively and I just don’t know where to start to rebuild 😞

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Rambo_Zee said:

Why I can’t shake this low feeling. A sense of am I not good enough. What did I do wrong. It’s taken it’s toll on my confidence massively

It's ok to feel a bit down after a relationship ends. However if it persists or is this intense see a physician about it.

[Rose Mosse]

4 hours ago, Rambo_Zee said:

I guess this is a lesson for me in future. When my gut instinct is telling me something is off.  That I’m not feeling like my partner is putting effort in etc then I need to walk away. 

Well, you can still vocalize that or communicate that if you feel it warrants it for any given context. Don't just walk away or shut down if something can be solved by a little communication. You will need to sense that the other person will listen and go from there. Listen to what they have to say and then make your decision. 

All break ups hurt. I'd put the phone down and stop looking through old texts and photos. Regarding the hat and other items, that is up to you. Eventually you'll probably realize that hanging onto these things past a month or two is excessive. I'd let go at that point and donate the items. 

Journaling helps but give yourself a limit also. Do something else to occupy your time, preferably something more productive or that you can feel good about accomplishing.

[MissCanuck]

6 hours ago, Rambo_Zee said:

i wonder why I’m hurting so much though. Why I can’t shake this low feeling.

This is a sincere question, but did you expect to feel better already?

This is still so fresh. 

[Rambo_Zee]

6 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

This is a sincere question, but did you expect to feel better already?

This is still so fresh. 

I think just because of the whole situation, me realising for months she was pulling away - that I might of been bette prepared maybe. I stayed and fought because she continued to speak and act to a degree like she cared. Even whilst at the festival she phoned me up and asked how my day was, how the dog was doing. Even ended it with I love you.

then that evening she was getting hit on and gave out her number ( she said nothing else happened ) so it just makes me wonder what else do I not know about. Then that makes me think I should not be as upset as I currently am. I mean she had me fighting for her and this relationship for months. Yet she carried on living here etc giving me the impression she still wanted it. But all along she did not and it seems to of taken getting close to another guy and getting busted to finally spill the truth out.

I’m glad I don’t know what she is doing or whether she is with this guy. It would make mE worse.

so I guess my question was to myself….just why am I so cut up over this when all the signs were there months ago 

[MissCanuck]

8 minutes ago, Rambo_Zee said:

so I guess my question was to myself….just why am I so cut up over this when all the signs were there months ago 

Because you are human, and didn't want to believe what the signs were telling you. 

Now you have no choice but to believe them, so it hurts like hell now. You are being unreasonable with yourself in questioning why this hurts so much. 

[boltnrun]

My ex called me right after he got out of the bed he'd just shared with the woman he was cheating on me with. Obviously him calling meant nothing.

It's only been a short time. I promise, if you give it time and stay off her social media and don't try to invent excuses to contact her, you will be feeling better soon enough.

[Rambo_Zee]

Ha yes time. I know that is the true healer.

I will remain strong and not reach out. I remind myself why would I chase someone who lied to me repeatedly about lots of things. I know I’m worth more than that. I will never chase her ever. I still held onto some dignity by walking when I did and not looking back.

 

my emotions are like a pendulum, one side being down/low the other being ok/reasonable happy. I just need time to heal so the down/low side grows smaller.

 

this relationship has taught me I want and need to be by myself. I need to heal and grow from this. 
 

 

[MissCanuck]

11 minutes ago, Rambo_Zee said:

I will never chase her ever. I still held onto some dignity by walking when I did and not looking back.

Good, this is the right attitude. 

And I don't have the impression she wants you to chase her anyway. She appears well and truly done, so keep that in mind when you have low moments and debate reaching out. 

[Rambo_Zee]

Yes she does appear well and truly done. In ways this helps as I know she has no intention of reaching out to me so will not try and make contact.

 

[Rambo_Zee]

Struggling today…feeling low. Sundays used to be our lazy days and I’m finding myself reminiscing.

I felt ok last night then had some dreams about her again. My sub conscious is certainly winning currently over my emotions.

I feel I have accepted its over, there’s no going back. I’m doing everything I feel I can to heal. Starting new hobbies. Keeping myself busy. I also sit with my feelings and truly feel them. 
 

I just feel Today I’m at that stage where I’m looking back wishing I did this or that differently. No it doesn’t help and won’t change anything but our minds do this.

To think we were once inlove and now we have reached this point. Certainly feeling the pain today.

my logic knows we could never work. The trust is gone and basically Unrepairable. Yet still I cling to old memories when we were happy. I wonder to myself why does my mind go back to these memories. I find I’m missing her company a lot. Though I do have the clarity to see since April/may the time we spent together started to dwindle. At times it felt we coexisted.
 

I worry about my age. (34) I have yet to start a family and feel it’s being pushed back further and further. 

I know no one on here can answer my questions, they can just give their advice but I wonder why I went distant myself. Did I reach a point I myself was unhappy yet didn’t walk away through inconvenience? I remember times I questioned if I wanted the relationship. I don’t know if this was a result of her pulling away and I just became unhappy with the situation.

it’s still hard to not blame myself. I wasn’t perfect. I stepped out of line and times though I know I always supported her. It’s confusing how the breakup happened. The mixed signals from her. It’s left more unanswered questions than anything. I just feel upset that 15 days NC and I’m like this. Low and upset at times. Still thinking of her and the past relationship. Mean damn 2.5 years and literally it’s done. She hasn’t looked back since. I know if there was any ounce of her that still had feelings or cared she would of reached out in some way or other. 
I wonder why I still care. Why I think she has moved on and hasn’t even given me a second thought. I’m not trying to write this post as a pity post. I’m just still hurting 

[Rose Mosse]

It's natural to distance yourself from someone you feel uneasy with even if in denial at first. The aftermath of a break up has a lot of mixed emotions and some of it also guilt and confusion. Give yourself more time to recover, remember the good times and let go. 

I didn't read it as a pity post. Post as much as you feel it helps. Hang in there.

[MissCanuck]

8 minutes ago, Rambo_Zee said:

I just feel upset that 15 days NC and I’m like this. Low and upset at times.

Something I think I said previously, but will ask again - how quickly did you honestly expect to be feeling better? Again, this is a sincere question and no snark intended. It just seems that you have a very unrealistic timeline in your mind of quickly you shouldn't be feeling low and upset. 15 days is nothing, Rambo. You're being far too impatient with yourself here. 

I'm sorry you're feeling low, in any case. It's hard and nearly all of us have been where you are right now. It's particularly difficult when there's infidelity involved. But speaking from experience, in time, you will adjust to your new normal - without her. And you will be happier for it, in the end. 

Because being lonely in a relationship in which the other person is fading away from you hurts a hell of a lot more than being single.

[Wiseman2]

14 minutes ago, Rambo_Zee said:

 I also sit with my feelings and truly feel them.

I worry about my age. (34) I have yet to start a family and feel it’s being pushed back further and further. 

Unfortunately you're not doing everything you can. For example, "sit with your feelings" is a euphemism for ruminating.

Mostly you're doing everything you can to deepen the depression which has likely been there quite a while and contributed to your withdrawal and the demise of the relationship.

It's not your fault she cheated. However you're ruminating about how inconvenient it will be to start a family, when this relationship was not even close to that.

Instead of stewing around, take action. See a physician about your physical and mental health. Get a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Life and time are passing you by imprisoned in your own depressing maudlin thoughts. No relationship can endure that.

You're also quite angry and shifting the blame.

 

[Rambo_Zee]

Right guys, sure to get some slack here but today has not been a good day. Felt extremely low and allowed myself to over think stuff.

I broke NC. I stupidly reached out to my ex 😒

 

basically just said “Hey, I've been thinking about you lately and wanted to see how you're doing. Want to go for walk or something”

 

she replied back ‘I’m doing ok thanks, how about you. It depends on the purpose on this walk. I’m glad you’re doing good. Ok well I know you appreciate directness and I don’t want to waste your time or give you any false hope. I do still feel like it was the right decision for us to break up. At the end of the day we both deserve someone who make us feel loved and secure. If you want to meet for closure then we can arrange to meet up for a walk.
 

 

so yeah basically I’ve just made myself look stupidly desperate 😞 and feel like I’ve failed even more now

[Wiseman2]

41 minutes ago, Rambo_Zee said:

I stupidly reached out to my ex

Reach out to a true advocate like trusted friends, family and most importantly a physician and therapist.

Stop harassing her. She's not responsible for your mental health, you are.

[MissCanuck]

Don't be so hard on yourself, Rambo. 

You didn't fail anything. Learn from this mis-step. I know it must have hurt a lot to read that message from her, but she did the right thing being very honest (finally) and extinguishing any lingering hope you might have had. Sometimes we need to hear those things to really get it, you know? 

Now you get it. It stings, but you will probably start accepting it more now. 

 

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, Rambo_Zee said:

so yeah basically I’ve just made myself look stupidly desperate 😞 and feel like I’ve failed even more now

That is OK, that means you entered "bargaining" stage of grief. You felt like you could affect the outcome, if only you reached how everything should be OK. Now you know that you cant, and can slowly work toward acceptance of that. And now you also know why "NC" rule exists, and how its better to just leave some things. And again, she cheated on you with multiple men and lied to you about that. Think about that when you maybe think how you should get back to her and want to contact her again. I know  its not easy. And that in the process you might even get depressed(one of the stages of grief also) but again, its OK, work slowly toward acceptance and moving on.

[boltnrun]

Please do NOT meet up with her for "closure".  I mean really, do you want to her to look you directly in the eye and tell you she doesn't love you?  How would that make things better?

Yes, you're hoping she'll see you and change her mind.  But she already knows what you look like and she chose to confirm the breakup anyway.  Seeing you in person, no matter how spiffed up you get and how "positive and light" you try to act, isn't going to change the outcome.

Now you know...do not contact her anymore.  Put her number in your phone as "NO DON'T" so you'll see it the next time you think the one who broke up with you is the one who will make you feel better.

Focus on moving forward, not backward.

[Andrina]

On 10/4/2021 at 4:18 PM, Rambo_Zee said:

it’s funny how I’m wasting so much energy and thoughts on someone who discarded me. The human mind/heart works in funny ways. I’m certainly not rushing into anything with anyone for a while. I finally realise I need to work on me. I need to be happy with myself

If you end up being similar to me, it usually took me 4 to 6 months to stop thinking of an ex daily and to emotionally move on. I once had an experience that wasn't exactly like yours, but was similar in that I was not a priority and he lied in major ways on several occasions. Even though in our year together, he stressed me outs so much that I literally got hives on one occasion, I still wanted him back.

At the time, I thought my self esteem was healthy, but after time and distance away from the wrong guy, I couldn't believe how I'd stayed that long and wanted him back. I realized my self worth was really low for accepting such an unworthy partner.

When he texted 4 months later, with my new self realization and being in a new and better headspace, I didn't give him the time of day.

On the positive side, there are good things that will come of this. You now know better what you want in a life partner and if you're smart, will accept no less. You are now free to meet someone who shares your ethics, life goals, and a woman who will meet all of your main needs. And, you will appreciate your new love all the more, knowing the flip side of that coin. That happened to me.

No matter if you acted distant. If she wasn't happy with you for that, a decent woman would end the relationship, not engage in flirting and exchanging numbers with another man. Those are her ethics which aren't likely to change. Let time and distance do its work and envision next spring, when it will be time for new beginnings and your brain will be thinking with far better clarity.