Toxic relationship

[Nicolinaaa]

I have a best friend who I have known for over 10 years. She is like my sister to me. We have grown up together hanging out multiple days in the week. She always relied on me to hang out and be there so sometimes I would cancel plans with other people just to be with her or if I was out with other people I would have to lie because she would become controlling and want to hang out with me. I always had a boyfriend over the years and she has not had luck finding a romantic partner so that also created an issue with her having more available time than me and me splitting up my time to be with her and my boyfriend equally.

Overall we look at friendships differently. She thinks a best friend should be there nearly all the time, chosen over guys, and should give up everything for their friends. That’s how she is by nature. I made a lot of sacrifices for her over the years but she will make me feel guilty for not doing things the way she does them and I also feel she doesn’t always recognize the sacrifices I have made. A couple of years ago we were in a very bad fight and I took a break from her for about 8 months. That fight came down to she didn’t think I supported her in the way she needed meanwhile I tried my very best to at the time. After making up and moving on from that fight, everything has been great and our friendship is stronger than ever until recently.

Her and I just came back from a 10 day vacation and she had asked me about taking another vacation with her a month later since she had another week off. I had told her okay but I made sure to reiterate that I did not want to take another plane. I jumped from a vacation with her right to a 2 week vacation with my now fiancé and it is just a lot of vacations for me to be taking. We tried to plan a trip and negotiate but she didn’t like my ideas and insisted on going to the same place we just went to again where we would have to take a plane because for her it was the best option, so negotiating a place didn’t work. While I was on my vacation with my fiancé she just went ahead and booked it and started telling me these are the dates you can come (not asking.) I had no part in even seeing the house she booked. My fiancé’s parents ended up wanting to take a trip that same week which I had mentioned to her at the time I wasn’t sure what date I was leaving with his parents yet. in the end I told her I’m going to pass on this trip. I didn’t want to take a plane again it’s like 10 plane trips in a month jumping from trip to trip. She called me selfish and said that’s a very selfish thing to say.

Now I got engaged while all of this happened. As a best friend she didn’t even call me to congratulate me or celebrate with me . She just sent me a text. She started ignoring me while I was on my vacation because of this and I was the bigger person and texted her what’s going on and that we need to communicate. She said she was very depressed. When I met with her after my vacation in person she just kept telling me how selfish I am and that I only thought about what I want. I told her going on a plane is a big vacation for me and she didn’t agree with that. She said she would do anything to not let her best friend go alone and drop everything even for 2 nights. I would have only been able to go for 2 nights because of the time conflict so I didn’t see the point. Our outlooks on life are just very different. She also got into a fight with my other friend and gave her an ultimatum to go on vacation with her or she would block her which she ended up doing right in front of her and my friend walked out on her. They have other deeper issues though too between them that never got resolved. 

Can someone tell me if I was wrong at all in this situation or if you think this is a toxic friendship? I just need an opinion on this matter because I already gave her a second chance and I’m starting to not feel like being close with her anymore or trusting her. It just all feels so toxic.

[MissCanuck]

This woman is insanely manipulative, rude and demanding. 

I would not have any space for her in my life. 

[Wiseman2]

15 minutes ago, Nicolinaaa said:

It just all feels so toxic.

You're too overinvolved and treat her like a pity-case which is as toxic as her treating you like a stand-in for a romantic partner.

It's unclear why you have these conflicts, yet take 10-day trips with her or tell her you'll go on another, then back out.

Step way back from this you're too involved in each others lives.

It sounds like you've grown apart and have different priorities. Just step away and relax without this much intensity and excess enmeshment.

[Kwothe28]

22 minutes ago, Nicolinaaa said:

She also got into a fight with my other friend and gave her an ultimatum to go on vacation with her or she would block her which she ended up doing right in front of her and my friend walked out on her.

I can see why she is single lol

Some people are self-absorbed like that. That vacation, even how she acted before when you did go out, she is like that and didnt changed. Meaning she wants her needs taken care off, she doesnt care for yours. That kind of people often have trouble finding relationship, even friends, in general. Because it takes a lot to tolerate somebody like that. Prime example is your engagement. As a best friend she should be over the top for you. But she is fixated on her vacation plans that she didnt even let you be a part of organizing it as she dismissed all your ideas. I hate the word "toxic". But yes, she is a bad friend that only thinks about herself and her needs.

[boltnrun]

You are codependent. You can do some research into codependency for more info.

This is not a friend, she is a life suck. A human leech. You could sit with her all day every day doing everything she tells you to do and she would still find fault.

Do like her other friend did and walk away. Permanently. Maybe she'll find another human to leech onto. Or maybe not. Not your problem.

[Rose Mosse]

I think you're feeling pressured based on her standards imposed on you.

She's obsessive and controlling. Don't bother trying to figure out what kind of mental health issues she has or whether she is depressed. Refer her kindly to a specialist or her doctor and tell her that you will no longer be going on any trips with her. She is taking advantage of you but also guilting you into not pleasing her or doing things exactly as she wants. 

Congratulations on your engagement too. 

 

[Cherylyn]

She's an "energy vampire" (google "energy vampire" ~ high maintenance), manipulative, insecure and jealous of you. 

You need to go your separate ways.  Send her a text such as this: "We're incompatible, please do not contact me and I wish you all the best.  It's time to go our separate ways permanently.  Sign off with your name."  Do not complain and explain.  There is a way to cut someone loose by remaining respectful, brief yet firm.  If she's relentless about contacting you, then ignore, ghost, block and delete her permanently.  Then move on. 

[melancholy123]

Human leech and energy vampire re good words to describe her.  Why do you still have her in your life?  She wants everything her way, what you want doesn't seem to matter.

Time to move on from this person.  Stop being available to. her, she's not worth the stress she causes.

[Lambert]

I would walk away from this person and friendship. Just one of your examples would be enough for me to tell her to beat it.

But I do understand how over the years of friendship things can be forgiven or swept under the rug.  That's friendship. but this is way over the top 

She's the one that should have been the bigger person re: your engagement.  She was completely wrong to book the trip. And then to have the nerve to say the things she did. 3 strikes.

I ended things with a friend recently.... after letting a few days pass. I eventually I just texted back that I wasn't ready to talk and sorry to say so over text but I need space. 

And I've been much better off. honestly. it does suck and mess with me a bit but I just couldn't take the neediness and the double standard anymore. As you said,  I sacrificed more than she ever did and it still wasn't good enough! 

Save yourself.  ❤