Not sure if I am losing feelings for my boyfriend of 2 years or if it is a side effect of birth control

[BCC123]

I (32F) think I am losing feelings for my BF (28M) We met on tinder 2 years ago and on our first date I noticed he was a little bit of a dork and insecure but I found him to be cute and funny and we got along well. We continued to date for a few months and he asked me to be his girlfriend and I said yes.

The beginning was a little rocky. No major fights, I could just tell he had low self esteem. He would feel intimidated by me and all my friends (I grew up in a bigger city and know a lot of people, he came from a smaller town outside the city) and he would try to compensate which I found super irritating. If I tried to open up about a funny party story or something like that he would take it upon himself to "prove" to me that he could drink and party too! Or if my friends would invite me out and I would go out without him, he would try to get really drunk at home or just go to a bar by himself so he wouldn't look "boring" to me or something? Also in the beginning he would try to get attention from random girls when we went out, make jokes and eye contact with strangers, etc. I would like to mention that this has completely changed since I brought it up a few times.

Which leads to my next thing. Besides what I have mentioned he's a great person and boyfriend. He is honest, loving, attentive, caring and patient. He is the nicest guy I have ever been with and I have not been treated this well ever. He is affectionate. If I bring up something that is bothering me most the time he listens and changes. Sex life was beyond great. I think we may have been a little too physical in the beginning and based a lot of our interactions around this.

We moved in together right as COVID-19 hit in March of 2020. Everything was great. I don't mind spending time with just him. I had 2 cats prior to our relationship and he accepts them and loves them as his own. He takes care of them really well and has gotten attached. Then October of 2020 I started feeling .. idk .. like I was losing interest. The unattractive qualities of him started becoming more apparent. Instead of his dorkiness being endearing and cute I found it extremely annoying. The fact that he still doesn't take care of his own finances and his mom checks his bank account for him really bothers me. He is a little lazy with no ambition. I mentioned my goal of wanting to own a house this year and instead of helping and encouraging me, he said I was rushing. He doesn't plan any trips or dates, he has gotten very comfortable since we've moved in together.

So any sort of doubt started in October of 2020, I got over it after a few weeks and the holiday season went well. I do notice that when we do go out together since then I do think he's annoying or some things he says I find stupid. Well then these last few months I started back up on birth control which I had been off for a few years. Now it's like the doubts are glaring me right in the face and I can't ignore it or get over it. I was doing some research and it says the hormones in birth control can change who you're attracted to and I think it may have made me lose my attraction to my boyfriend completely. IDK if my feelings have changed or maybe he acted different in the beginning and now maybe he is truly himself and I don't find us compatible.

Does anyone have any advice or similar stories? Should I break up with him and get it over with? The timing works out because we only have one month left in our lease together. Or should I try and stick it out? Should I get off the birth control and see if that helps? I am scared I may never find someone who treats me better than he does. 

 

Thank you for reading!

[MissCanuck]

This isn't your birth control. 

Your choice of contraceptive is unrelated to his mother having to do his fincances for him. It's unrelated to him being lazy. It's unrelated to him being too complacent. 

It reads a lot more like you tried to minimize the annoyances you felt at the beginning. And now that you live together, you've realized that you can't overlook them. You are seeing that perhaps you are not compatible and you're not that into him as a long-term partner.

Having said that, have you addressed your concerns about this relationship with him? Does he know you would like him to take more initiative both with you, and with his own life?

[DarkCh0c0]

Hey! It's not the birth control. It's your rose-coloured glasses that are gone now. Now you can see him as a whole. Can you see yourself living with that man for the rest of your life? I mean, his mom checks his bank accounts? That's a huge red flag right there. Well, now you know what your deal-breakers are, and that you need to listen to yourself (been there too). And, you definitely will find someone that'll fit your criteria.

[Wiseman2]

22 minutes ago, BCC123 said:

The beginning was a little rocky, he would try to get really drunk at home.

We moved in together right as COVID-19 hit in March of 2020. Then October of 2020 I started feeling .. idk .. like I was losing interest.

The fact that he still doesn't take care of his own finances and his mom checks his bank account for him really bothers me. He is a little lazy with no ambition.

Sorry this is happening. Did he move in with you? It seems soon after the incompatibilities hit their peak. 

 This isn't about contraception, it's about incompatibilities, but you don't want to address that because he's only been living there a few months. 

Unfortunately a parent-child dynamic like this will kill attraction and romance especially when living together/playing house with someone significantly less mature than you.

 Develop an exit plan for him. Can he move back to his mother's house?

[BCC123]

23 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

This isn't your birth control. 

Your choice of contraceptive is unrelated to his mother having to do his fincances for him. It's unrelated to him being lazy. It's unrelated to him being too complacent. 

It reads a lot more like you tried to minimize the annoyances you felt at the beginning. And now that you live together, you've realized that you can't overlook them. You are seeing that perhaps you are not compatible and you're not that into him as a long-term partner.

Having said that, have you addressed your concerns about this relationship with him? Does he know you would like him to take more initiative both with you, and with his own life?

I have. I have brought it up a few times. He will listen and then be motivated to make changes for a few days and then it's back to normal. 

I wonder why I minimized his annoyances so much in the beginning? I was wondering if it was the sex or if I was desperate to be in a relationship? I don't think desperation is it because I did really like him at first. I just hate that it all went away because everything was going well. 

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, BCC123 said:

I wonder why I minimized his annoyances so much in the beginning? 

There's always good parts to a relationship. However moving in together gives the bad parts nowhere to hide.

[BCC123]

17 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Did he move in with you? It seems soon after the incompatibilities hit their peak. 

 This isn't about contraception, it's about incompatibilities, but you don't want to address that because he's only been living there a few months. 

Unfortunately a parent-child dynamic like this will kill attraction and romance especially when living together/playing house with someone significantly less mature than you.

 Develop an exit plan for him. Can he move back to his mother's house?

So I moved in to his place in March 2020 since my lease was up. Then his lease was up in May 2020 and we got a shared apartment. Lease will be up May 2021 so timing is good to getting out. 

When I met him it was only a few months after he got his first own one bedroom apartment to himself. He made it seem like he was some cool, independent, musically talented guy with all these hobbies. It's like all of that went away and now he's lazy and complacent. I think this happens to most my relationships - is it something I am doing that makes others feel they can just give up and have me take care of them forever? 

[boltnrun]

2 hours ago, BCC123 said:

is it something I am doing that makes others feel they can just give up and have me take care of them forever? 

Are you in the habit of "taking care" of the men you're involved with? If so, why?

[Rose Mosse]

It won't get better. Both of you can go on to lead happier lives without aggravating each other like this. 

Flip the situation around for a second and imagine someone thought or said the same things about you. How would you feel or react to the situation? 

 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, BCC123 said:

Lease will be up May 2021 so timing is good to getting out. 

Excellent. Freedom in just a few weeks. Simply go your own ways. Start severing things and making arrangements for your own new place.

[Tinydance]

Well to be honest from some of the things he was doing from the start, he doesn't sound very mature. The thing is that often women mature faster than men (sorry men lol). You are actually a few years older than him so that might also be why you're finding that you're not on the same maturity level. When you started dating he was 26 but you were 31. It's kind of a significant age difference when you are in your 30's but he's in his 20's, and you're a woman.

The things your boyfriend was doing like getting drunk by himself or going to a bar if he went out just to prove he's "cool" are immature. Also the fact that he was flirting with women while he was out with you would be unacceptable to me. 

I would also find it very off putting that his mother checks his bank account. He's 28 so he is way too old for that.

Above all I think someone doesn't have to even actually do something wrong for you to be just "not feeling it". Not everyone is the right match for us or the love of our life. Sometimes we're just not really in love with someone because there just isn't that strong spark or connection. 

Also it's important to date someone with similar values and goals in life. If you're looking to settle down and buy a house and everything and your boyfriend thinks you're rushing, that means he doesn't share your values.