Personal Growth and Career Issues

[Starflowers]

Hi everyone, 

I need help with my current situation in life. 
I need to change my personal life.
I love my family very much but I’m feeling held back and it’s stifling.

I would like to start learning web development to work on a new platform idea. My problem is I live at home and I’m already 51 years old. I don’t have savings but will find a way to pay for the classes.

I don’t even know where to begin explaining. I have many questions but most importantly is do you think it’s too late to start over at my age? I don’t feel confident but I will start over somehow. Please ask me questions and give me your ideas. I would greatly appreciate any of your views. 
Thank you, Starflowers

[Batya33]

I would not personally go into web development and yes partly because of your age -I think it's better suited for younger people or people your age who've been in the field for several years.  What courses/classes would you need to take?  Where do you plan to get the $ and why do you live with your parents and not have savings? Why do you think your idea is unique and or profitable/marketable? If you have a new platform idea can you find a way to connect with someone who does web development and figure out how to make it a co-venture with you being the idea person? 

What kind of work do you do now? Are you parents willing to financially support you with these classes? What is your academic background? 

[Starflowers]

18 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I would not personally go into web development and yes partly because of your age -I think it's better suited for younger people or people your age who've been in the field for several years.  What courses/classes would you need to take?  Where do you plan to get the $ and why do you live with your parents and not have savings? Why do you think your idea is unique and or profitable/marketable? If you have a new platform idea can you find a way to connect with someone who does web development and figure out how to make it a co-venture with you being the idea person? 

What kind of work do you do now? Are you parents willing to financially support you with these classes? What is your academic background? 

Hi, That’s what I plan on doing, take classes so I can explain my idea to others in the same business. Some college, my concentration has been art and it’s been great but I feel the need for something more. The class payment isn’t really a problem. Parents would help but that’s not what I’m concerned about it’s more about getting going and making the change into a more independent life. Living at home just happened, no particulate reason. 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Starflowers said:

Hi, That’s what I plan on doing, take classes so I can explain my idea to others in the same business. Some college, my concentration has been art and it’s been great but I feel the need for something more. The class payment isn’t really a problem. Parents would help but that’s not what I’m concerned about it’s more about getting going and making the change into a more independent life. Living at home just happened, no particulate reason. 

If you believe at age 51 that living with your parents "just happened" I caution you not to try to be an entrepreneur.  That requires a significant level of self-accountability, responsibility, leadership.  Thinking that you being a middle aged woman (I am 54) at home with your parents because somehow "it just happened that way" says to me you are not ready to take on the significant challenges of learning a brand new skill and being an entrepreneur.  Also what is your plan for making sure someone else doesn't take your idea?  What have you done so far with your idea in any concrete way? 

Here's what I would do.  First, move out and be financially independent of your parents.  Second, once you are financially independent of your parents, come up with a way to build a financial nest egg (I've heard Dave Ramsey is good for this).  Third, once you have enough to pay for classes yourself -you are 51 after all -or borrow the money from your parents with a specific payment plan to pay it back - sign up for classes while also making sure you network with others in the business you are targeting. Choose a program that includes hands on work.

But do not sign up for any classes till you prove to yourself you want to live on your own, you can live on your own, you can pay your own way, you can save your own $ and hold down a full time job that allows you to put money aside for the classes you want to take.  

Art is great.  But it doesn't seem to be paying the bills.  Keep it as a hobby for now.  

[Starflowers]

5 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

If you believe at age 51 that living with your parents "just happened" I caution you not to try to be an entrepreneur.  That requires a significant level of self-accountability, responsibility, leadership.  Thinking that you being a middle aged woman (I am 54) at home with your parents because somehow "it just happened that way" says to me you are not ready to take on the significant challenges of learning a brand new skill and being an entrepreneur.  Also what is your plan for making sure someone else doesn't take your idea?  What have you done so far with your idea in any concrete way? 

Here's what I would do.  First, move out and be financially independent of your parents.  Second, once you are financially independent of your parents, come up with a way to build a financial nest egg (I've heard Dave Ramsey is good for this).  Third, once you have enough to pay for classes yourself -you are 51 after all -or borrow the money from your parents with a specific payment plan to pay it back - sign up for classes while also making sure you network with others in the business you are targeting. Choose a program that includes hands on work.

But do not sign up for any classes till you prove to yourself you want to live on your own, you can live on your own, you can pay your own way, you can save your own $ and hold down a full time job that allows you to put money aside for the classes you want to take.  

Art is great.  But it doesn't seem to be paying the bills.  Keep it as a hobby for now.  

I see your point, the only positive thing I have going is I learn new skills easily, quickly and I know handful of computer programs already. As for the living arrangement, we live together but we all have jobs, I just haven’t saved any of it.  

[Lambert]

Instead of taking classes and 'starting over'. Do you think you could get involved in learning this stuff as more of a hobby? maybe a class or two, but then find other resources such as clubs and forums specifically for web development? 

I never like to discourage people based on age. But you have to be realistic. What's the cost-benefit analysis? What's the numbers? What's the plan? What's the timeline?

Living at home... its that a problem? Do you have to move out on your on?

Both these things are big changes.  That require resources. And I imagine you could be at a point where living with your parents is a benefit... they are getting older and may need you there. Maybe not now... but in the not so far off future.  this is also something to consider in the cost benefit analysis. 

And when I say cost benefit. I mean taking inventory and account of what could happen... not just student loans and salary. You don't want to through money down the toilet, but what are you gaining emotionally, too?

Try to find a way to do what you want in a way that you mitigate the risks. if you love web development and want to pursue it, do that.  but be aware of the challenges that frankly are stacked against you.  if you can do it as a hobby, while still working and making money, until you're able to leave a job, that's how to do it. 

You can't just wake up one day and say I always wanted my own company.  I'm going to do it.  that's movie life.  not real life. 

Owning a business takes capital because you don't make anything straight away but bills still come in.

When you move out on your own there are a ton of expenses upfront and even more unforeseen ones.  

 

[Rose Mosse]

By asking yourself if you are too old you're already limiting yourself. You seem hesitant so take baby steps. Do more research and talk to other industry professionals. I'm probably proof that you can anything you want if you set your mind to it so no, I wouldn't make any concrete plans this early about whether you're good enough or not. Figure it out step by step. If you're second guessing your idea it means you haven't thought it through or done enough digging and research. 

Are your family members bothering you or are you caught in the crossfires between relatives? 

[Starflowers]

5 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

By asking yourself if you are too old you're already limiting yourself. You seem hesitant so take baby steps. Do more research and talk to other industry professionals. I'm probably proof that you can anything you want if you set your mind to it so no, I wouldn't make any concrete plans this early about whether you're good enough or not. Figure it out step by step. If you're second guessing your idea it means you haven't thought it through or done enough digging and research. 

Are your family members bothering you or are you caught in the crossfires between relatives? 

Hi, i feel stuck, my relatives seem to need a lot of attention not just my parents but all of them. They seems so needy and always fighting. I’m in my own world, creatively and spiritually, I’m would like to meet someone too but it just seems so impossible. Everything is so mixed up and tied together that it feels like it won’t happen and can’t be undone. 

[Rose Mosse]

1 minute ago, Starflowers said:

Hi, i feel stuck, my relatives seem to need a lot of attention not just my parents but all of them. They seems so needy and always fighting. I’m in my own world, creatively and spiritually, I’m would like to meet someone too but it just seems so impossible. Everything is so mixed up and tied together that it feels like it won’t happen and can’t be undone. 

This seems very toxic. The most straightforward solution is to use your current job and move out. Can you support yourself on your salary currently?

[Starflowers]

7 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

This seems very toxic. The most straightforward solution is to use your current job and move out. Can you support yourself on your salary currently?

Yes, I could handle that but the break is not going to be easy. I’m trying to come up with a plan for the near future. So we are all happy and not so glued together. Maybe if someone has a similar situation they can share their solutions with me. 

[Lambert]

13 minutes ago, Starflowers said:

Yes, I could handle that but the break is not going to be easy. I’m trying to come up with a plan for the near future. So we are all happy and not so glued together. Maybe if someone has a similar situation they can share their solutions with me. 

If you want to make everyone happy, then you won't be happy. 

In my family, it was very much considered normal to not move out of the family home until you get married. 

I wanted to be on my own. So I started researching how much things cost, looking at apartments to see what you get for the money.

I didn't hide it.  My parents were pissed. My extended family and siblings thought I was being silly. I felt like everyone was against me.  But off I went.  

I let them be mad. I didn't act mad at them. but I stuck to my goals.  I moved out and I still came around to visit and be part of the family.  Eventually everything just was normal again. 

Don't let others hold you back. Live your life for you. 

[Starflowers]

6 minutes ago, Lambert said:

If you want to make everyone happy, then you won't be happy. 

In my family, it was very much considered normal to not move out of the family home until you get married. 

I wanted to be on my own. So I started researching how much things cost, looking at apartments to see what you get for the money.

I didn't hide it.  My parents were pissed. My extended family and siblings thought I was being silly. I felt like everyone was against me.  But off I went.  

I let them be mad. I didn't act mad at them. but I stuck to my goals.  I moved out and I still came around to visit and be part of the family.  Eventually everything just was normal again. 

Don't let others hold you back. Live your life for you. 

Thank you this is exactly how I feel. Stuck and somehow can’t let go. I hope I have the courage to do this change sooner than later. Especially since I’m interested in finding someone special in my life. I never felt ready or comfortable but all of a sudden I think it’s the right time. I don’t like to plan to much it’s not my natural way but now I think it’s important otherwise it won’t happen. 

[Batya33]

I have read all the suggestions and I don't think you should attempt to change your job or career or sign up for classes until you have your own place and financial independence with substantial savings especially since you want to be an entrepreneur.  Are you paying rent now?

[Starflowers]

Just now, Batya33 said:

I have read all the suggestions and I don't think you should attempt to change your job or career or sign up for classes until you have your own place and financial independence with substantial savings especially since you want to be an entrepreneur.  Are you paying rent now?

No rent payments but I really dont have a money issue, no savings but have access to money.

[Lambert]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I have read all the suggestions and I don't think you should attempt to change your job or career or sign up for classes until you have your own place and financial independence with substantial savings especially since you want to be an entrepreneur.  Are you paying rent now?

I agree with this @Starflowers  

Get your own place.  Starting living for you.  That's enough change.  Once you get yourself comfortable with your new life etc. re-assess the situation.  I hope you decide to go for it.  If not now, when?  I know how you feel.  One person that really gave me strength was my granddad.  I heard through the grapevine that the family was all talking about me and saying how dumb I am to get my own place.  And he just said-- I don't know why it's a big deal if Lambert wants to get a little apartment.  And no one really could respond to that.  Because it was true... What's the big deal.  You're 51 years old.  You want to experience something.  DO IT.

I can tell you... My first place was a little studio and of course everyone had bigger and better apartments than me.  But!  I was happy as happy could be... living my own life.  Doing my own thing.  It was definitely a great time in my life.  Decorating my little place.  Having a friend over and serving a snack in my own place.  

After it was obvious, that I was moving out, the family started coming around.  There was this little window in kitchen.  And my mom took some fabric we had and fashioned it into a little curtain.  That's when I knew, this was all going to be ok. 

It was weird at first.... going back to my apartment.  Not our house.  But that eventually faded.  I did not lose my family over moving out.  Sometimes people want you to stay the same way for their comfort.  But you have to do what is best for your life.  It's not fair of them to do that to you.  You don't have to be dramatic and tell them that.  No sense in hurting people you love.  But it's ok to be your own person.  

 

[Batya33]

I didn't move out till after grad school when I was 28.  I had nooooo idea what a huge change that would make in my personal growth.  Wow.  And my parents were the best -so supportive of me pursuing grad school, letting me live rent free (I paid the tuition).  If you have "access to money" then why even mention you'd have to find a way to pay for classes -something is not adding up here.

[Rose Mosse]

It's a bit confusing why you stayed home until 51 or why these ideas for web development are coming up just now. If you think you can do it, then do it. You don't need anyone's approval. If you are looking for career advice on a relationship forum, I do have to ask though if you're cut out for this or if you've thought this through carefully enough. 

You can use your home as a springboard and complete the education you need but you mentioned what it's like living at home and it sounds toxic and difficult to concentrate on anything there. It sounds like your self-confidence is very low also and I'm sorry all this is going on. 

Leave if you have to leave first and clear your mind in your own space. You might be able to think much more clearly then. I'm not a creative or don't think of myself as one but I guess I have creative hobbies. Do what's best for yourself.