Lambert Posted February 25, 2021 Share Posted February 25, 2021 3 minutes ago, Dnxnshshjs said: Things were ok for a while I started putting my energy toward God and forgiving that what he did was a sin common to man and that it wasn’t longer than five minutes and I tried to remember that those images he saw are no longer in his mind, when I found out what he did he told me it had already been like 8 months that he made the conscious decision to stop, and he had already been without it by the time I found out. I focused on these positive things and that these three years can be made up for the entire future that is to come, he promised me without a doubt he wouldn’t do it again. my issue is trusting he will follow through with that and accepting that he’s willing to change because if he’s only doing it for me, it’s unhealthy like you said you can’t change somebody you have to love them as they are. And the fact that he is telling me he already stopped before I even found out and that he has no interest in it anymore, gives me hope. ultimately it’s my fault at this point for not being able to let go and allow him to fulfil those promises. the issue that caused me to regress is because I live in Texas and there was a big snow storm that made our power go out and I went a long time without seeing him and sometimes without talking to him, and I let the thoughts get to me and al the negative ones flooded the positive ones that I was holding on to. Being stuck at home alone just got to me and I realized I hadn’t truly forgiven him. The thoughts of betrayal and knowing he was capable of hurting me in this way. I reached a healthy point with him at one point so I know I’m capable of it but I realized unless I truly 100% let go of what he did I can’t put us through this any longer. It’s crazy how you day that because the reason we “can’t” be without eachother is because we literally brought eachother out of dark places, he was experiencing losing his mom to cancer and I was dealing with trauma of being raped at the time. I recognize that’s not the healthiest time to get in a relationship but it brought us both up and we literally lifted eachother up, we went to college and because of me he works for my dad and has a well paying job and can support his family (he has an elderly dad and his mom is gone) and I finished college and started my own business as well. We have very much been good for eachother. I guess for any normal person two months is well enough time to forgive and be ok, but for me it’s not because sexual things hit me much deeper. But I’m trying my best to accept it. He told me if I love him, my love for him should allow myself to accept it and overcome it, that if I love us and value this relationship I won’t choose to let go, to be strong and have faith because he has truly changed his perspective on things. He says he doesn’t view porn the way he did and he sees how it could damage trust and ruin relationships, that he doesn’t care about it. I don't really follow what you mean here, in the part I bolded. All relationships are great, until there not. At least that's always been my experience. I am sorry for all you have been through including the terrible storms in Texas. I heard about it, as we all did in The States. I am sorry and the failures with grid should not have happened. I, like many others, not even in Texas, were outraged for you. After everything you have written and shared, I think my advice remains the same. You need to focus on your own healing. Maybe you guys are not compatible, as others have pointed out. Sometimes when we end relationships, we go off and handle things for ourselves. Our exes do, too. And you circle back to each other, new and better people. Many times, we end things and eventually look back at our exes and say-- what the heck was I thinking! I am so much better off now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Andrina Posted February 25, 2021 Share Posted February 25, 2021 3 hours ago, Dnxnshshjs said: I feel betrayed and as soon as those thoughts come up I flood him with questions about it over and over and he says I’m driving him crazy. Just the thought of it stabs my heart every single time I'm in my second marriage, and learned what to no longer do now because of mistakes made in the first marriage. One is that once you come to an agreement/consensus during an argument/discussion, you don't bring it up again. Your brain and heart also need to be in agreement when choosing a partner and remaining with one. In this case, you're letting your heart override your brain. What you say is a dealbreaker really isn't one, because you've chosen to stick around, even though you lack trust. There is no guarantee he's being truthful now, or not. You have no choice except to make a choice. Stay and don't bring it up again and have a wait and see attitude, but you can't be checking his phone to appease your fears or to catch him. But secrets have a way of coming out, so you probably would find out by accident if he continued on with the porn. It just might take longer. If you take that route, you'll have to choose to trust until given a reason not to, because otherwise, it won't be healthy for you relationship. Or, you can choose to end it. Don't fool yourself that you can't love anybody else as much. Most people have more than one chance in life to meet someone they can be crazy about. Who knows if he's just telling you what you want to hear at this point? If you can't handle a wait and see attitude without giving him the third degree, let him go to be with someone who is a better match, which will also free you to eventually find a better match. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted February 25, 2021 Share Posted February 25, 2021 On 2/24/2021 at 3:01 AM, Dnxnshshjs said: I have been with my boyfriend for almost four years now, Are you engaged? Do you have a timeline for dating, engagement, marriage and starting a family? Do both of you share your goals and values? Are you having premarital sex? If so, is that why this is upsetting you so much? 4 years is a long time to just be dating. Are you both working? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DancingFool Posted February 25, 2021 Share Posted February 25, 2021 19 hours ago, Dnxnshshjs said: If I accept him for all of those things are you saying I have to allow porn in our relationship or accept it as the past and work with him about it? He has his desire to change and being with me for this many years a lot of things have influences him in a good way. I know he wants to become a better person, he says one of the things he loves the most about me is my values and the way I carry myself, and he deeply has apologized and said they were selfish mistakes. where you said “demand”, I’m not necessarily demanding it but it was his will and part of his apology to show me he doesn’t want to watch porn. He isn’t telling me things like that all guys or it’s Normal, he wants to be with me more than anything, other than this issue we have had little to no problems, I have never been so close to someone in my life. Yes, I do mean that you have to accept him exactly as he is, porn and all. Again, I think porn is the least of your issues here. Lying and lack of character are bigger problems and yes, of course he will promise you the world, but..... Healthy relationships are NOT built around either person changing, it's all about accepting each other as is, warts and all. If you cannot do that, if a person has to change for you to be happy, then you are not compatible with each other. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dnxnshshjs Posted February 26, 2021 Author Share Posted February 26, 2021 On 2/24/2021 at 6:26 PM, Capricorn3 said: Have you ever sought professional counselling/therapy? If not, why not? I think you would benefit greatly from getting help for all of your issues. How does that help Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted February 26, 2021 Share Posted February 26, 2021 1 hour ago, Dnxnshshjs said: How does that help Have you spoken with someone about your abuse? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dnxnshshjs Posted February 26, 2021 Author Share Posted February 26, 2021 22 minutes ago, Hollyj said: Have you spoken with someone about your abuse? No I haven’t and I’ve been abused by three different men and I’m real traumatized about it but I don’t know the first thing about getting help my family is real old school and we usually rely solely on our a Christian faith and I wouldn’t feel comfortable bringing that up to then Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted February 26, 2021 Share Posted February 26, 2021 2 minutes ago, Dnxnshshjs said: No I haven’t and I’ve been abused by three different men and I’m real traumatized about it but I don’t know the first thing about getting help my family is real old school and we usually rely solely on our a Christian faith and I wouldn’t feel comfortable bringing that up to then I think it would be a good idea to find a therapist that focusses on this area, as it has/is affecting your life. I would suggest contacting an abuse hotline, they should be able to point you in the right direction. You need to deal with this, as what you are doing is not working. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissCanuck Posted February 26, 2021 Share Posted February 26, 2021 29 minutes ago, Hollyj said: I think it would be a good idea to find a therapist that focusses on this area, as it has/is affecting your life. I would suggest contacting an abuse hotline, they should be able to point you in the right direction. You need to deal with this, as what you are doing is not working. I agree. You are dealing with a number of issues and it's clear that your approach to dealing with your past is ineffective. As far as your boyfriend's porn-watching goes - he cannot change that past. You can decide to either forgive him or break up with him. You can't force yourself to be okay with this is if you're not, and he's losing patience with you. Sooner or later, it will run out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Capricorn3 Posted February 26, 2021 Share Posted February 26, 2021 4 hours ago, Dnxnshshjs said: How does that help Well, you are struggling with the past on many levels and it is clear as day that you have not been able to deal with it at all (understandable) and it's affecting your entire life and relationships, and will continue to do so if you don't get professional help. A therapist will help you through, step by step, with how to deal with it all, how to cope, to get to a mentally healthy place. As long as you don't get help for all of these issues, you will carry it through to every relationship, which in turn, will ultimately fail. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted February 26, 2021 Share Posted February 26, 2021 4 hours ago, Dnxnshshjs said: my family is real old school and we usually rely solely on our a Christian faith If you are over 18, you don't need your family's consent to see a physician for an evaluation of your moods, anxiety and trauma. Nor do you need their consent to get a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. Unless both you and your family do not believe in modern science or medical intervention. Keep in mind, it's nice you have your faith but... You are trying to work out your past by forcing your BF to be your therapist as well as trying to manipulate him through emotional extortion. Is your family itself part of the abuse and trauma and rape? Are you or were you in a cult, since you claimed at least 3 men already abused you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dnxnshshjs Posted February 26, 2021 Author Share Posted February 26, 2021 41 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: If you are over 18, you don't need your family's consent to see a physician for an evaluation of your moods, anxiety and trauma. Nor do you need their consent to get a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. Unless both you and your family do not believe in modern science or medical intervention. Keep in mind, it's nice you have your faith but... You are trying to work out your past by forcing your BF to be your therapist as well as trying to manipulate him through emotional extortion. Is your family itself part of the abuse and trauma and rape? Are you or were you in a cult, since you claimed at least 3 men already abused you? I did some research on emotional blackmail and I do not believe I am doing that. He told me that if watching porn was something he still wanted to do and he knew in his heart that he wouldn’t stop that he would have told me that I needed to accept it. he says he has no interest in it anymore, and his perspective about it has truly changed. I had a conversation with him and I invited him to openly express his feelings. That if he knew he was only avoiding porn for me that it would mean I was changing him and it’s not healthy and he promises me that he already has and will stop for his own desire and he wants to be close to God. He says it was so rare for him to even do it in the first place which is why it frustrates him that I can’t get over it. and surprisingly I was in a cult but it had nothing to do with it. I was tricked into doing Bible study when it was a religious cult and also that has caused me some trauma as well. 2 of the men were from family that my mother doesn’t know about and the other one was someone from school i just graduated college. But I’m only 20 i spent two hours on a sexual abuse hotline and no one reached the line, I eventually hung up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted February 26, 2021 Share Posted February 26, 2021 1 hour ago, Dnxnshshjs said: I was in a cult but it had nothing to do with it. I was tricked into doing Bible study when it was a religious cult and also that has caused me some trauma as well. 2 of the men were from family that my mother doesn’t know about and the other one was someone from school Don't waste time on hotlines. They are for acute intervention. Therapy would be your best road to recovery. Read: 'Combatting Cult Mind Control" by Steven Hassan. A Guide to Protection, Rescue, and Recovery from Destructive Cults. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted February 26, 2021 Share Posted February 26, 2021 3 hours ago, Dnxnshshjs said: I did some research on emotional blackmail and I do not believe I am doing that. He told me that if watching porn was something he still wanted to do and he knew in his heart that he wouldn’t stop that he would have told me that I needed to accept it. he says he has no interest in it anymore, and his perspective about it has truly changed. I had a conversation with him and I invited him to openly express his feelings. That if he knew he was only avoiding porn for me that it would mean I was changing him and it’s not healthy and he promises me that he already has and will stop for his own desire and he wants to be close to God. He says it was so rare for him to even do it in the first place which is why it frustrates him that I can’t get over it. and surprisingly I was in a cult but it had nothing to do with it. I was tricked into doing Bible study when it was a religious cult and also that has caused me some trauma as well. 2 of the men were from family that my mother doesn’t know about and the other one was someone from school i just graduated college. But I’m only 20 i spent two hours on a sexual abuse hotline and no one reached the line, I eventually hung up. Try another option. You need to do this for yourself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted February 26, 2021 Share Posted February 26, 2021 2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Don't waste time on hotlines. They are for acute intervention. Therapy would be your best road to recovery. Read: 'Combatting Cult Mind Control" by Steven Hassan. A Guide to Protection, Rescue, and Recovery from Destructive Cults. I suggested it for recommendations for counseling. I really think that she needs to speak to someone, to work through this, I don’t think a book is going to be sufficient, as she had been abused by several people. 0P, There must be numerous online references that can also help , But one has to do a little bit of research. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smackie9 Posted February 26, 2021 Share Posted February 26, 2021 Your church offers counseling, through your pastor. Make an appointment. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted February 26, 2021 Share Posted February 26, 2021 You call this a deal breaker but obviously it isn't because you are still there. I don't think cults offer counseling, btw, unless it's to indoctrinate you further into the cult. Please seek individual therapy so you can get help for the trauma you have experienced. As for your boyfriend? If you prefer a man who doesn't look at porn it's best to date a man who doesn't look at porn. Rather than trying to "change" anyone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted February 26, 2021 Share Posted February 26, 2021 14 minutes ago, smackie9 said: Your church offers counseling, through your pastor. Make an appointment. Personally, I think it is better to go through someone who is specialized in this field. Church leaders aren’t trained in sexual abuse. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smackie9 Posted February 26, 2021 Share Posted February 26, 2021 1 hour ago, Hollyj said: Personally, I think it is better to go through someone who is specialized in this field. Church leaders aren’t trained in sexual abuse. No but people with religious beliefs usually feel more comfortable going through their church, at least to start the process. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted February 26, 2021 Share Posted February 26, 2021 28 minutes ago, smackie9 said: No but people with religious beliefs usually feel more comfortable going through their church, at least to start the process. Perhaps, but will they be able to the heart of the problem, or will it be only about seeking forgiveness. In my opinion, religious leaders should not be giving advice in this area, as they are no where near qualified. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted February 26, 2021 Share Posted February 26, 2021 4 minutes ago, Hollyj said: Perhaps, but will they be able to the heart of the problem, or will it be only about seeking forgiveness. In my opinion, religious leaders should not be giving advice in this area, as they are no where near qualified. I would be more concerned with the fact that she said she was raised in a cult. I'm guessing they wouldn't be giving her the best relationship advice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted February 26, 2021 Share Posted February 26, 2021 1 minute ago, boltnrun said: I would be more concerned with the fact that she said she was raised in a cult. I'm guessing they wouldn't be giving her the best relationship advice. I wasn't getting that vibe. OP, what church do you belong to? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted February 26, 2021 Share Posted February 26, 2021 7 hours ago, Dnxnshshjs said: and surprisingly I was in a cult but it had nothing to do with it. I was tricked into doing Bible study when it was a religious cult and also that has caused me some trauma as well. Here's where she stated she'd been in a cult. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted February 26, 2021 Share Posted February 26, 2021 4 minutes ago, boltnrun said: Here's where she stated she'd been in a cult. Good catch! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smackie9 Posted February 26, 2021 Share Posted February 26, 2021 44 minutes ago, Hollyj said: Perhaps, but will they be able to the heart of the problem, or will it be only about seeking forgiveness. In my opinion, religious leaders should not be giving advice in this area, as they are no where near qualified. They are their own animal. They use their faith to heal. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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