Guy might be married

[Ramblinrose]

Hello all and thank you for the free advice.

I had the strangest encounter with an employee at a job site. I live in a big city, and found out this man I met for the first time was originally from the same small town nowheresville USA as me. And he had the social media to prove it. I thought, he seems cute under his mask but about 15 years older which is fine, I’m 36, he looks athletic....and he wasn’t wearing a ring. 
so after our revealing encounter which left us both floored to meet each other I gave it about 2 weeks and looked at his Facebook (I don’t have a Facebook myself so my searching is limited) he indeed is a very good looking and fit man. My type. He has 3 kids 2 from different marriages in the pics is always doing something fun with them taking them outdoors. And I’ve always wanted kids of my own or to at least sort of be a cool stepmom...so he’s all around looking really good to me. So i text him through the worksite email and give him my phone number, he agrees that everything in life has a purpose and coming from the same very very tiny town is surreal. He texts me immediately on my cell. I ask if he wants to go out for coffee or ..some kind of drink..being cute. He writes back immediately that some kind of drink would be fun...so I’m thinking not only is he not married he has no serious gf either..score. I tell him it will be a few weeks bc I have to travel for work and the next day he texts me back asking where I’m working that day and am I still around. And told me I inspired him to get out and ride his bike last evening. And I tell him the evening he described to me in text sounded almost perfect but missing a few things...flirtatiously he responds that it was almost perfect and looks like that will have to wait a few weeks. Then I tell him I’m already gone and will contact him when back in town...

I have time to kill and really thinking about the connection I could have with this handsome man. I do another google search and a woman w his last name lives in the city...so I click on her Facebook and it’s just pics of her, the kid and HIM!! The last pic was taken months ago...but tbh she looks like a really great caring mom. Older like him, but they have raised a beautiful daughter together.....

so now, what should I do?

Want to go on a date with this guy but not if he’s cheating on her... I mean WHY WHY do men not wear a wedding band???

they could be separated...they could have an open relationship.

or he just wants to meet honestly and I was pushing the flirty thing a little much and he felt it was “manly” to flirt back but would tell me his married status when we meet??

whats up?

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

When in doubt, boot him out.

[Capricorn3]

21 minutes ago, Ramblinrose said:

..so I click on her Facebook and it’s just pics of her, the kid and HIM!! The last pic was taken months ago...but tbh she looks like a really great caring mom. Older like him, but they have raised a beautiful daughter together.....

so now, what should I do?

^ You do nothing.  He's taken, which means you back off.

[Jibralta]

3 hours ago, Ramblinrose said:

they could be separated...they could have an open relationship.

Separated is bad news--stay away. And do you really want to be a third, fourth, fifth, sixth, etc. wheel in an open marriage? 

3 hours ago, Ramblinrose said:

so now, what should I do?

Forget him. There are better prospects for you out there!

[browneyedgirl36]

A lot of men don't wear wedding rings, so don't ever take that as a sign.  (My husband wears one, but my dad never has, and many of my married male colleagues don't.)  It sounds like he's either still with his wife OR they've had a very recent split.  Either way, steer clear of this guy.  I'd say it's likely he's not available for a relationship.

Edited to add:  A lot of men don't wear wedding rings for a variety of reasons, including: 1) They're trying to appear single, and they know that's a sign women look for; 2) They don't like jewelry and just don't wear it; 3) They have occupations in which wearing rings can be bothersome or even dangerous (e.g. my dad worked with heavy machinery for years and just stopped wearing his because he could have been seriously injured if his ring got caught in something.)  To name just a few.  

In the case of this guy, it seems like he's trying to appear single.

[SooSad33]

5 hours ago, Ramblinrose said:

I had the strangest encounter with an employee at a job site. I live in a big city, and found out this man I met for the first time

- Highly suggested one does NOT get involved with employees.

 

5 hours ago, Ramblinrose said:

He has 3 kids 2 from different marriages in the pics is always doing something fun with them taking them outdoors. And I’ve always wanted kids of my own or to at least sort of be a cool stepmom...so he’s all around looking really good to me.

- Thinking way far ahead on any of this!

 

5 hours ago, Ramblinrose said:

The last pic was taken months ago...but tbh she looks like a really great caring mom

Yeah, pics of him & her months ago.  Not good 😞 

If she is still sharing pics of them, red flag.  Don't go there.

[Tinydance]

So how recent are these photos you found with him and this woman? To me it would matter how recent they actually are. If they're fairly recent then yeah he's either in a relationship or got out of one not long ago. Buy if the photos are from 1+ years ago then maybe he's not with anyone now. I guess it also depends what you're looking for. Just a fun fling or serious relationship? You mentioned you may want kids and you're 36. If he already has kids and he's about 50, he probably wouldn't want any more children. So depends what you want from seeing him as well.

But yeah men don't wear wedding rings for various reasons. My Dad got married at 22 and then gained a lot of weight so the wedding ring didn't fit him most of his life.

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, Ramblinrose said:

I have time to kill and really thinking about the connection I could have with this handsome man. 

If you are lonely and have "time to kill", rather than cyber-stalk handsome guys, get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting single men.

[smackie9]

OK you do have some choices here....back out of the date and say nothing. Back out of the date and do say something, or ask a coworker if he's married first...someone must know. Try googling his name. Sometimes more stuff about a person can show up.

me personally I wouldn't touch a twice divorced man with a 10 foot pole.

[Ramblinrose]

Yeah you all are right. I’ve been so hesitant to go with a dating app just hoping that some incredible chemistry would happen in real life. And got excited because this was so coincidentally strange, coming from the same small town. I guess it’s a little scary the idea of being judged on your appearance in a photo and being rejected or the opposite and then finding you have no real life chemistry w someone and having to reject them.

but you all are right. Wish out of 100 photos of the guy there could be one of his wife -she posted him on her page. Like a woman who plays mom and takes care of you should get at least some acknowledgment that she exists in your life. But anyway that’s life what can you do?

Looks like dating apps make be the way to go, thanks all.

[waffle]

21 minutes ago, Ramblinrose said:

Looks like dating apps make be the way to go, thanks all.

LOL there are married men on those too.

[catfeeder]

Going forward, I'd put out more interest in a coffee or a drink to get to KNOW a man rather than sending the message straight off the bat that I want to offer more than that.

This would position me to learn about him rather than depriving myself of valuable information by implying that the only thing that matters to me is our chemistry--so I'm ready get sexual with him.

This is important to me, because I know myself, and I'm not 'fling' material.

Operating from my own clarity on a date opens the door to ask the right questions and screen the man in or out. Asking to learn whether a man is single, married, separated or divorced would be one of these perfectly reasonable questions.

Decide what you want for yourself, first--before dealing with anyone else. From there you'll be clear and can behave in ways that will get you to THAT goal. If you decide that you are relationship material, then putting that on the table, up front, as your main reason for dating sets you up to ask whether a man views himself in the same way. If not, you'll hear flirty stuff that bypasses the question or speaks of playing it by ear or confUsion or future-speak like 'when we get married...' That's the stupid stuff that would make me pass.

 

[Ramblinrose]

I hear you but it’s been 2 years no sex and I’m a Scorpio woman!! I’m admittedly desperate to find someone with whom I share real life sexual chemistry I can’t take it anymore. I live w my ex and have been scared to date for his mental health bc he relied on me but he has a therapist now and is doing great so I’m really ready....for anything. So yeah I prob do give off that impression that I’m a bit desperate bc I am!

[Rose Mosse]

Don't make any assumptions and find out where he's at in life or regarding relationships in general when you go for coffee. This is just coffee so don't read into it as if you're going to be married by the end of the year. Dial back the social media research. You've seen enough. Now get it straight from him and watch the way he talks about himself or his family. If anything seems off or amiss, let him know it's not your cup of tea and close it off with some courtesy. 

Don't confuse the situation anymore with what ifs or could bes. 

You should move out before dating anyone. You might be vulnerable right now and not in the right place to date. 

 

[Ramblinrose]

Wiseman, I don’t mean to offend people. I’ve given my ex a place to stay bc he has bad credit and has had a hard life. We aren’t intimate, but we are good friends who realized a few years ago we should never be in a relationship with each other again. I shouldn’t have said white in a derogatory way. To clarify I’m just used to living in a different part of the country where emotions are expressed openly and people are warmer, not reserved.

[waffle]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

That's a major problem. Move out.  Could you explain this racist remark? So you want to cheat on your bf and you're a racist? 

Agreed.  Does that mean that white men are asexual?  I'm not following.

[boltnrun]

2 minutes ago, waffle said:

Agreed.  Does that mean that white men are asexual?  I'm not following.

That's a new one for me.  I've dated a lot of Caucasian men and trust me, they were NOT asexual.  Quite the opposite.

 

2 hours ago, Ramblinrose said:

but I live in one of the whitest (read men who don’t seem to have a sexual bone in their body) cities

I have to LOL at this.

[Tinydance]

16 hours ago, Ramblinrose said:

Wiseman, I don’t mean to offend people. I’ve given my ex a place to stay bc he has bad credit and has had a hard life. We aren’t intimate, but we are good friends who realized a few years ago we should never be in a relationship with each other again. I shouldn’t have said white in a derogatory way. To clarify I’m just used to living in a different part of the country where emotions are expressed openly and people are warmer, not reserved.

Unfortunately I think living with your ex might actually put people off dating you. Personally it would seem like a red flag to me. It's nice that you helped your ex but can he start looking for somewhere else and stand on his own two feet? Dating sites are hard but you can meet someone from there. You mentioned sex and for sure you can get lots of people online for sex lol So that wouldn't be a problem. There are also other ways to meet people like singles events, Meetup groups, cooking classes, dance classes, and so on. Although during the pandemic all that might not be happening. So online dating might be the safer bet.

[Wiseman2]

23 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Unfortunately I think living with your ex might actually put people off dating you. Personally it would seem like a red flag to me.

Agree, get your own life in order before you start chasing men. He's not "an ex" if you are still living as a couple, helping him, etc. It just that it's become sexless because you are enabling his problems.