Guy i'm seeing pushed me away after dad died

[jk125]

in november, i met a guy from bumble. We got on so well and sent messaged back and forth every day. we met in person on the 7th november.

Since then we were meeting up every weekend in november (he was the one to say he wanted to see me again after our first date) and we were getting on really well, he would always come through to my house and we would watch a movie and cuddle and we were all over each other constantly. We were so happy every time we were together and made each other laugh a lot. 
this carried on in december where we got even closer and spent loads of time together. he would stay over every weekend and even drive through to mine on a weekday night after work (he lived an hours drive away)

Then sadly just before christmas his dad started getting really ill so his mum wanted him to stay at home to help look after his dad with her. Because we are in the middle of Covid-19 times his mum wanted him to stop coming to mine to stop any risk of his dad getting ill while they looked after him. 

This was hard for us because it was just before christmas and we had plans to see each other over xmas and new years but we discussed it and decided we would work through it. 

Christmas was a lonely time for me as i live on my own and the one person i was hoping to spend time with couldn't see me and i will admit we had a couple of disagreements / arguments about it but we always apologised and made up afterwards. We both agreed we liked each other enough to work through things and listen to each others feelings. 

Then just after christmas his parents told him his dad had cancer and it was terminal. i felt so bad for him and having my own dad go through cancer but still survive, it kind of hit a nerve so i kind of knew what he was going through but obviously his was 10x worse. 

Early january we had a bit of a rocky time, he was liking girls pics/following girls on instagram and because i was insecure and didn't really like that sort of stuff i told him about it and he said he was sorry and that he'd stop, he just didnt know i didnt like it but he respected my feelings so he wouldnt do it. 

We then had another tiff a week later about him not being able to open up and he always bought up that we were arguing more than we should be this early on.  explained it was because i self sabotage and when i see something is going good i end up overthinking and try ruin it. i also said i didnt feel good enough for him,  but i said to him if you want to end it i'd understand, he told me he didnt want to end it and that he wanted to see if we can sort it because "its worth it".

i was so happy he said that and honestly made me trust him more. we also had conversations about how i'd express my feelings because he always felt that they came across as arguing and he hated arguing and i agreed and said i would say things a better way next time there was a problem. 

(for referance, he did stop liking girls pics and he didnt follow anyone else at all for the next 3/4 weeks). 

In January We then decided that we wanted to try see each other but be really careful so i drove through to his town every weekend (for 3 weeks) and we went for a walk together and spoke about things and i tried to keep his mind off of the other bad things going on.

when we were texting he was still the sweetest guy and always told me things like i was the best thing to come out of 2020 and he'd never want to get rid of me and we were making plans for when lockdown was over. 

Then sadly mid jan he told me he had said bye to his dad and he hadnt died yet but that was the last time he'd see him.  i didnt hear anything else about his dad though for the next week, we were texting every day and he genuinly seemed like he wanted to speak to me and he told me he liked talking to me. 1 week later i asked how his dad was and if his mum was still seeing him and he said he had died 5 days ago and that he was sorry his head was just a mess and he forgot to tell me. I was hurt that he didnt tell me as i wasn't expecting that news, and i let him know i was upset in that he didnt tell me but apologised the next morning and told him my reasons as to why i was upset and he understood and said we could forget it and move on. 
i told him i was there for him whenever he wanted to see me/speak to me but he said he wanted to be with his family and he would see me when everything had settled down which was totally fine with me. 

then about a week later we were texting and he had said a joke that i wasnt very happy with. it was a joke about ways he could get rid of me and i said there are easier ways and he said how? i'll add it to my list. Me being insecure anyway i wasnt laughing along and i told him i didnt like the joke. 

anyway.. this caused a bit of an argument but he then apologised and said he was sorry, he didnt want anyone else he just wanted us to be fine. but i was explaing i needed to feel wanted and i wanted him to show it, and during me typing that message, he followed another girl knowing it would hurt me. i mentioned it and he said "yeah i cant do this anymore" (i felt like he did it because he knew i would say something and he would have an easy way out) 
i apologised the next day because i wanted him in my life and i didnt want that to effect our relationship.  he said he just needed time to think because he didnt like the arguments and he felt like they would never stop. 

3 days later he told me he didnt think we should carry on because we were "too different" and we had more arguments than we should be having that early on, even though a few days before he said he wanted me and wanted us to be fine. i was so hurt and i tried and tried to get him to see that the arguments werent permanant. we were perfect in person and never had an issue in person and he knew that. he just said "yeah we are great in person but it has to work overall and it doesn't". This was the first time i was hearing that he didn't think it was working because all he ever told me was that he wanted me and he wanted us to work. He said his head was too messed up and he couldnt deal with any more problems. 

I feel like if the stuff didn't happen with his dad he would genuinly fight for me but because he is in such an awful place he's exhausted and just wants stability. 

I gave up fighting for him, i wanted him to want me in his life like he said he did before. he said he still wanted us to be friends but i said we'll never see each other again so how could we be friends, he said he'd hope that's not true. i sent him one that message saying it was nice knowing you and bye, he read the message but didnt reply. 

Since then he's followed more girls on instagram and for my own sanity i've had to un-follow him to stop me from looking. i've un-friended him on facebook too. He still follows me though. 

It has almost been a week now, i miss him so much. I keep hoping and thinking he might come back to me one day when he realises he misses me and he realised that our arguments werent as bad as what he maybe thought they were as i explained to him if they were in person they'd just be 5 minute bickers. 

one minute i hate him for hurting me and for choosing to end us but then the next i see it from his side and understand he doesnt want to argue but i still want him back so i can show things will get better. 

we met through a hard time anyway with the pandemic but then having only knowing each other barely 2 months his dad then dies. 

I really like him and i could see myself with him for a long time but he doesn't see that and all he thinks of is the bad things and he's forgetting all the good things we have together and how happy we actually are in person. 

What should i do? do i wait for him to come back (if he does)? or do i move on and accept that he's made his mind up and even though he's told me all that stuff before, now he's just realised he doesnt want me? 

My colleagues are saying that he wont be thinking straight and that he will come back but i dont want to get my hopes up if it never happens :(

[smackie9]

He's extremely depressed, and when one loses a parent, ...the cheating, looking for strange, and whatnot is not uncommon for people who are grieving. It's an escape from the pain. It's emptiness, life changing. He's not going to be the same person. It can take years for him to get back to feeling normal/ sort himself out. And since you met at the start of this tragic time, you are a reminder of it unfortunately. It's just bad timing.

You have only invested 2 months and that's hardly enough to be hanging onto someone you only known for such a short time. I doubt you will get him back. He wants to remove himself from all this, and that is you too. Sorry it hurts, but you can't control what life throws at you. Walk away.

 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened. There was simply way too much arguing, strife and drama for dating 16 weeks. Let go.

[indea08]

This may sting a bit, but I’m going to hold the mirror up for you and I hope you can open your mind and understand the part you played in this.

1.) 6 weeks of dating, his dad becomes ill to the point he and his mom must take care of him. That’s pretty significant, and yet you have arguments about not being able to see each other for the holidays. Seriously it’s been 6 weeks and his dad is ill. He shouldn’t be with you for the holidays, he should be with his family.

2.) 8 weeks of dating, he finds out his dad has TERMINAL CANCER. Yet you complain about photos he’s liking and women he’s following on Instagram, and accuse him of being unable to open up.

3.) 11 weeks of dating, he tells you that his dad passed away...you react by being upset that he hadn’t told you sooner. YOU’VE BEEN IN HIS LIFE ONLY 11 WEEKS.

4.) 12 weeks of dating, he’s grieving, likely in shock, feels numb, makes a joke...and you become upset with him because you don’t like the joke.

5.) 12 weeks and 3 days of dating and he tells you he’s done because of all the fighting. HIS DAD DIED LITERALLY TWO WEEKS AGO. And you send him a text saying “Nice knowing you, bye.”

You have been so self centered, and haven’t given him a millimeter of room to fall short despite all that he’s dealing with. When someone is going through the death of a parent, you cannot make waves about likes on Instagram, not being able to see each other, or distasteful jokes. You have to find a way to pick your battles, and to see when the other person just needs the benefit of the doubt. We can’t all be perfect 100% of the time, especially when dealing with everything he had on his plate. You have to be able to give him the grace to fall short sometimes, and not make it about you.

”Being there for him” would mean setting your own issues and feelings aside and helping him process his. You’ve not done that at any point in the very short time you’ve known him. I would not expect him to come back. And until you can work on your issues, I don’t see many guys signing up for long term nit picking.

[jk125]

50 minutes ago, indea08 said:

This may sting a bit, but I’m going to hold the mirror up for you and I hope you can open your mind and understand the part you played in this.

1.) 6 weeks of dating, his dad becomes ill to the point he and his mom must take care of him. That’s pretty significant, and yet you have arguments about not being able to see each other for the holidays. Seriously it’s been 6 weeks and his dad is ill. He shouldn’t be with you for the holidays, he should be with his family.

2.) 8 weeks of dating, he finds out his dad has TERMINAL CANCER. Yet you complain about photos he’s liking and women he’s following on Instagram, and accuse him of being unable to open up.

3.) 11 weeks of dating, he tells you that his dad passed away...you react by being upset that he hadn’t told you sooner. YOU’VE BEEN IN HIS LIFE ONLY 11 WEEKS.

4.) 12 weeks of dating, he’s grieving, likely in shock, feels numb, makes a joke...and you become upset with him because you don’t like the joke.

5.) 12 weeks and 3 days of dating and he tells you he’s done because of all the fighting. HIS DAD DIED LITERALLY TWO WEEKS AGO. And you send him a text saying “Nice knowing you, bye.”

You have been so self centered, and haven’t given him a millimeter of room to fall short despite all that he’s dealing with. When someone is going through the death of a parent, you cannot make waves about likes on Instagram, not being able to see each other, or distasteful jokes. You have to find a way to pick your battles, and to see when the other person just needs the benefit of the doubt. We can’t all be perfect 100% of the time, especially when dealing with everything he had on his plate. You have to be able to give him the grace to fall short sometimes, and not make it about you.

”Being there for him” would mean setting your own issues and feelings aside and helping him process his. You’ve not done that at any point in the very short time you’ve known him. I would not expect him to come back. And until you can work on your issues, I don’t see many guys signing up for long term nit picking.

I actually agree with all of that. I know myself i've not been the best at all with the whole situation. Most of the time i forgot about the stuff he had to deal with and because i've been at home on my own and overthinking so many things in my own head it got to the point where i was just saying everything i was feeling without even thinking about the conciquences. 

 

You're right. I need to sort out my own issues before i jump into anything with anyone. I push away good people in my life because lf my issues and then when they leave i get upset and wonder why no one wants to stay but the truth is because i'm how i am. 

Thanks for your reply. 

[indea08]

34 minutes ago, jk125 said:

I actually agree with all of that. I know myself i've not been the best at all with the whole situation. Most of the time i forgot about the stuff he had to deal with and because i've been at home on my own and overthinking so many things in my own head it got to the point where i was just saying everything i was feeling without even thinking about the conciquences. 

 

You're right. I need to sort out my own issues before i jump into anything with anyone. I push away good people in my life because lf my issues and then when they leave i get upset and wonder why no one wants to stay but the truth is because i'm how i am. 

Thanks for your reply. 

Two of my best friends have the same “over thinking” problem, so I understand that it’s really hard to turn that off. The biggest part is recognizing it and understanding how it affects your relationships with others. It took them a few years to really get a grasp on that, and it seems you’ve been able to do that. GREAT FIRST STEP!!! 

Now is the time to start working on silencing that voice of doubt and replacing it with words of encouragement and self confidence. It truly is a skill to be able to not only understand that other’s thoughts/feelings do not always pertain to you, but also to be able to feel secure in that. If you can master that, life will become so much simpler and less stressful. Good quality men will be drawn to it, relationships and friendships will blossom further, and you will grow far beyond the person you ever dreamed you could be. 

You will get there. Put in the work for yourself because girl, you’re worth it!!

ETA: I also think it might benefit you to know this. My two best friends who are soooo bad about overthinking every little thing...they are two of the most amazing, funny, caring, driven, charismatic women I’ve ever met. I’m better because I have them in my life. I’m happier because I have them in my life. They’ve taught me perseverance, helped me turn acquaintances into friends, motivated me when I couldn’t motivate myself. God made them so perfectly imperfect, and I see that in them everyday. If only they could see it too, I imagine they would conquer the world. 

[jk125]

16 hours ago, indea08 said:

Two of my best friends have the same “over thinking” problem, so I understand that it’s really hard to turn that off. The biggest part is recognizing it and understanding how it affects your relationships with others. It took them a few years to really get a grasp on that, and it seems you’ve been able to do that. GREAT FIRST STEP!!! 

Now is the time to start working on silencing that voice of doubt and replacing it with words of encouragement and self confidence. It truly is a skill to be able to not only understand that other’s thoughts/feelings do not always pertain to you, but also to be able to feel secure in that. If you can master that, life will become so much simpler and less stressful. Good quality men will be drawn to it, relationships and friendships will blossom further, and you will grow far beyond the person you ever dreamed you could be. 

You will get there. Put in the work for yourself because girl, you’re worth it!!

ETA: I also think it might benefit you to know this. My two best friends who are soooo bad about overthinking every little thing...they are two of the most amazing, funny, caring, driven, charismatic women I’ve ever met. I’m better because I have them in my life. I’m happier because I have them in my life. They’ve taught me perseverance, helped me turn acquaintances into friends, motivated me when I couldn’t motivate myself. God made them so perfectly imperfect, and I see that in them everyday. If only they could see it too, I imagine they would conquer the world. 

Do you have any tips to get started off with doing this? 

I've been thinking about doing some therapy sessions or just talking to someone about my anxieties so i can get a better outlook on life because it's so hard to get rid of those horrible voices when you're deep down in sadness and can't stop crying and thinking you're worthless. 

Any help would be appreciated! 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, jk125 said:

it's so hard to get rid of those horrible voices when you're deep down in sadness and can't stop crying and thinking you're worthless. 

Seeing a physician for a complete evaluation of the moods and a referral to a therapist for ongoing support.

[Hollyj]

I think therapy is a great idea.  You need to get to the bottom of your insecurities.  

I have lost both a sibling and a parent.  It took me at least a year to even consider a place where I could be with anyone, as I had nothing to give.   You really need to address your actions, as you were not considering him at all.

Why do you feel worthless?

You dated for a short while.  Time to move on and learn from this experience.   

[jk125]

50 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

I think therapy is a great idea.  You need to get to the bottom of your insecurities.  

I have lost both a sibling and a parent.  It took me at least a year to even consider a place where I could be with anyone, as I had nothing to give.   You really need to address your actions, as you were not considering him at all.

Why do you feel worthless?

You dated for a short while.  Time to move on and learn from this experience.   

I am sorry to hear that! I can't imagine losing someone close to me. My dad had a heart attack and died for 30 minutes but they brought him round and he's still here 5 years on which i am so grateful for. 

 

I honestly don't know, i just felt like i wasn't good enough for him and that he'll end up meeting someone so much prettier/funnier/smarter than me and he'd leave me for her. I looked at his ex girlfriend who he was with for 2 and a half years and she was so stunning and i just didnt feel like i wasnt anything compared to her. 

Even though he gave me no reason for me to believe i wasn't good enough. He always said if he didn't find me attractive in the first place he wouldn't have met me and if he wanted someone else he would have stopped seeing me. He would compliment me but it was always "you look good" or "you look fit".. I think he wasnt the type to really show me lovey dovey affection in compliments but when we were together he would always put his hand on my knee or hold my hand while driving which i loved. 

I honestly didn't want to push him away and i do really care about him a lot and i could see us together for a long time but for some reason i had to keep pushing him and pushing him to see if he would choose to stay or go. Obviously he chose to go. 

I guess i'm just so scared of someone leaving me further down the line that i choose to push them away and make them want to leave before they have chance to hurt me themselves. 

I regret so much everything i said and it's not easy knowing i did that and if i just didnt say certain things he would still want me in his life. 

I looked back on messages lastnight from christmas and i realised how stupid i've been and i honestly forgot some of the stuff we'd said to each other and so i know why he chose to not carry on and i genuinly feel embarrissed that i did that to him. 

He deserved better.

[Hollyj]

Use this as a wake up call, so that you can move forward to a healthy relationship.  

Relationships are not about looks, but how we make the other person feel.  I have dated many guys who become hotter and more handsome due to how they made me feel.  The biggest turnoff in a relationship is insecurity and drama.  Obviously, he was attracted to you, but things changed with your insecurities.    There was a reason he broke up with his ex, even though she was really pretty.   You need to change your thinking, unless you are dating a guy who is  so shallow he only dates for looks.  

Please seek some counseling to work on your self esteem issues.