How to be okay with insecurities?

[Capricorn3]

6 hours ago, ForeverLearning said:

But one thing that makes me kinda insecure is him being around other pretty women. 

How do I cope with this? It’s not a huge thing to me but when I don’t have much going (like now) it comes to the forefront of my mind and I hate it. 

If you think about it, it's really not too different to you "constantly craving male attention to the point of being addicted",  and sending these males texts and enjoying their attention, right?   I imagine that would make your boyfriend feel pretty insecure too, no?  How does he cope with it?

[ForeverLearning]

3 minutes ago, Capricorn3 said:

If you think about it, it's really not too different to you "constantly craving male attention to the point of being addicted",  and sending these males texts and enjoying their attention, right?   I imagine that would make your boyfriend feel pretty insecure too, no?  How does he cope with it?

That’s a good point. Which is why I don’t ever bring up the insecurities to him directly because he’s very understanding. 

[Cherylyn]

He's a red flag if he told you that he admitted to having feelings for a girl in your social group AND SILL lingers in the back of his mind "could have feelings for someone else?" Other than you?  I'd be alarmed if I were you.

In order to cope, you have to pretend that his feelings for this other girl do not exist.  You can't control how he thinks. 

If you don't want to cope, then find a man who doesn't have a roving eye and carries utmost, sincere loyalty, devotion and respect for you and ONLY you.  You are supposed to be the special one; not another girl.  Something is very wrong with this picture.

His character is messed up.  Either you need to remain patient and accept who he is or dissolve and exit the relationship.   Your action or non-action hinges upon you, not him.

[boltnrun]

5 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

He's a red flag if he told you that he admitted to having feelings for a girl in your social group AND SILL lingers in the back of his mind "could have feelings for someone else?" Other than you?  I'd be alarmed if I were you.

In order to cope, you have to pretend that his feelings for this other girl do not exist.  You can't control how he thinks. 

If you don't want to cope, then find a man who doesn't have a roving eye and carries utmost, sincere loyalty, devotion and respect for you and ONLY you.  You are supposed to be the special one; not another girl.  Something is very wrong with this picture.

His character is messed up.  Either you need to remain patient and accept who he is or dissolve and exit the relationship.   Your action or non-action hinges upon you, not him.

OP is also texting other men for attention purposes.  Apparently not sexting or flirting but still enjoying the attention of other men.  So it's the both of them.

And "working" on an issue for a grand total of 6 days isn't really progress, particularly since you said he promises to change over and over and never actually sticks to it.

How do I deal with insecurities?  I don't continue in relationships where I feel insecure.  I can tell you, even though I'm not married to my husband anymore for different reasons, I never, not once, felt insecure with him.

[ForeverLearning]

19 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

He's a red flag if he told you that he admitted to having feelings for a girl in your social group AND SILL lingers in the back of his mind "could have feelings for someone else?" Other than you?  I'd be alarmed if I were you.

In order to cope, you have to pretend that his feelings for this other girl do not exist.  You can't control how he thinks. 

If you don't want to cope, then find a man who doesn't have a roving eye and carries utmost, sincere loyalty, devotion and respect for you and ONLY you.  You are supposed to be the special one; not another girl.  Something is very wrong with this picture.

His character is messed up.  Either you need to remain patient and accept who he is or dissolve and exit the relationship.   Your action or non-action hinges upon you, not him.

@boltnrun To be fair, I only ever talk about the negatives of my relationship on here. There a lot of good moments. I’m older so I’ve had enough relationships to know what I’m willing to put up with and not. I’ve left every relationship where I didn’t feel happy. The issues we were experiencing last week are different and not everyone on here knows the full details of it. 
 

And I don’t feel insecure most of the times. I’d say 0.1% of the time. But that only ever happens when he’s not around and I don’t have much going on, like today. And those are thoughts in my head that “could he have feelings for someone else?” not him thinking that. He’s never given me a reason (since the first week of our relationship) to think that he would be unfaithful. 

[Cherylyn]

7 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

OP is also texting other men for attention purposes.  Apparently not sexting or flirting but still enjoying the attention of other men.  So it's the both of them.

And "working" on an issue for a grand total of 6 days isn't really progress, particularly since you said he promises to change over and over and never actually sticks to it.

How do I deal with insecurities?  I don't continue in relationships where I feel insecure.  I can tell you, even though I'm not married to my husband anymore for different reasons, I never, not once, felt insecure with him.

How do I deal with insecurities?  I don't deal.  That deal is off the table.  I take the easy way out because it's less work, requires less energy, time and my resources. 

I always use my late father's philosophy.  He always taught me to use other people's energy and not my own ~ if there's conflict of any sort.  I let other people stew while I'm out and do my own thing, live my own life according to my terms.  I don't deal with people with serious mental disorders for which there is no cure. 

In the past, I tried to change people, contort them to my will, constantly put forth the effort to make interactions succeed normally.  I don't do that anymore.  People are who they are and if I don't approve of them and if they're red flags, there's the door.  I choose the door and I've never felt better.  It's liberating freedom which is a priceless feeling.  Self confidence and strength were long overdue. 

[Cherylyn]

He's unfaithful in his mind which is hurtful.  He's with you yet his mind is elsewhere.  That's not called love and respect. 

[ForeverLearning]

1 minute ago, Cherylyn said:

He's unfaithful in his mind which is hurtful.  He's with you yet his mind is elsewhere.  That's not called love and respect. 

I think I must’ve mistyped. He’s not imagining anything (that I know of). It’s more me just imagining worst case scenario. I don’t have any actual proof. 

[Rose Mosse]

Just take a time out and reflect whether the worries are worth the pain in the long run. You said you are on the verge of getting married and have been together for a few years. If you really believe the problem is you and your insecurities, see someone and speak with a professional. Look at ways to manage your anxiety or any negative loops (negative thinking that keeps looping back on itself). 

Having said that I think you should also be looking more closely at your environment and the people in it. If your partner isn't supportive, says dumb things or makes comments along the way that take you back or trigger you to think about all the times you didn't trust him, spend more time thinking about why this is so. 

This happened way back in the start so why is it bothering you now? 

Are you transposing your own feelings for someone else on your boyfriend? 

Hope you feel better soon. Big hugs. 

[Cherylyn]

After dating only a week, he admitted to having feelings for a girl within your social circle. 

Instead of playing guessing games, if it bothers you that much, why don't you ask him if he only has feelings for you nowadays?  However, be forewarned that "if it isn't broke, don't fix it."  You could instigate a fight if you start sounding accusatory.  He will become defensive if you incite or provoke him.

If everything else is going well in your relationship with him, why can't you just appreciate being happy, enjoy it and remain peaceful?  Why create unnecessary drama? 

Be secure by living in the moment only for TODAY.  Don't think about yesterday nor tomorrow.  Think about being satisfied, content and happy with him TODAY.  That's how you start feeling secure. 

 

 

[ForeverLearning]

13 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

Just take a time out and reflect whether the worries are worth the pain in the long run. You said you are on the verge of getting married and have been together for a few years. If you really believe the problem is you and your insecurities, see someone and speak with a professional. Look at ways to manage your anxiety or any negative loops (negative thinking that keeps looping back on itself). 

Having said that I think you should also be looking more closely at your environment and the people in it. If your partner isn't supportive, says dumb things or makes comments along the way that take you back or trigger you to think about all the times you didn't trust him, spend more time thinking about why this is so. 

This happened way back in the start so why is it bothering you now? 

Are you transposing your own feelings for someone else on your boyfriend? 

Hope you feel better soon. Big hugs. 

I do have bad anxiety (which I’m working on with a professional). I do this thing where things are great, I think about pass things that upset me and dwell. I’m working on improving it. So I think this is an issue on me not him. 
 

I don’t have romantic feelings for anyone else at the moment.

[ForeverLearning]

18 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

After dating only a week, he admitted to having feelings for a girl within your social circle. 

Instead of playing guessing games, if it bothers you that much, why don't you ask him if he only has feelings for you nowadays?  However, be forewarned that "if it isn't broke, don't fix it."  You could instigate a fight if you start sounding accusatory.  He will become defensive if you incite or provoke him.

If everything else is going well in your relationship with him, why can't you just appreciate being happy, enjoy it and remain peaceful?  Why create unnecessary drama? 

Be secure by living in the moment only for TODAY.  Don't think about yesterday nor tomorrow.  Think about being satisfied, content and happy with him TODAY.  That's how you start feeling secure. 

 

 

True. Like I said to Rose, I have an issue with that. Things are great now. Better than they’ve actually been in while. But my mind is so use to worrying that it goes and tries to find something new to worry about. I’m working on this with a professional.

[Cherylyn]

2 hours ago, ForeverLearning said:

True. Like I said to Rose, I have an issue with that. Things are great now. Better than they’ve actually been in while. But my mind is so use to worrying that it goes and tries to find something new to worry about. I’m working on this with a professional.

It sounds like you have trust issues.  Most people don't trust others if there was a blip in the past.  I am the same way.  It is universal.

However, people are so different.  Some people mellow over time, become peaceful, smooth and will have a harmonious relationship with you.  Some people may think a certain way yet will never reveal to you what they're thinking especially if an issue caused a past argument.  Some people will not have the same interest in others anymore and you will be their sole focus from now on.  Then there are some people who will never change for the better and you either have to deal with them, enforce boundaries or eliminate them from your life.  The choice is yours.

You can't control what your boyfriend thinks.  All you can do is be satisfied with his behavior towards you lately and from this day forward.  If he's good enough for you, keep him.  If you want a man who is more than what you have, then find a substitute someday. 

[Batya33]

Here's what I don't get - why are you presuming he will feel attraction just because there is a woman nearby who you think is pretty? I just don't think it's like that and sure if he felt attracted and didn't act on it that's fine -we can only control our reactions.  For example - I have a little crush on a local radio guy.  He's actually not that attractive looking in person (I've seen him on TV) - but I love his show, I love how he talks, what he talks about and I'm thrilled  for him that he's married again -he's divorced, just got married (he's a little younger than I am) and seems so, deservedly, happy.  And yes I have a minor crush -I'm a fan!  I would never tell my husband this because it might annoy him - not upset him but you know - why?  I'm never going to act on it, it's a fun "crush" to have and even my husband likes listening to him on the radio if he happens to be on.  So  - throughout your life with a partner assume he is human, assume at some point in time he's found another woman attractive or had a harmless "crush" on a "celebrity" - because we're human - what your partner promises you in a marriage is not to act on a crush or an attraction.  But no he doesn't have to tell you if he finds someone pretty or feels an attraction and don't presume he will feel attraction just because someone is pretty to look at. 

[ForeverLearning]

37 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Here's what I don't get - why are you presuming he will feel attraction just because there is a woman nearby who you think is pretty? I just don't think it's like that and sure if he felt attracted and didn't act on it that's fine -we can only control our reactions.  For example - I have a little crush on a local radio guy.  He's actually not that attractive looking in person (I've seen him on TV) - but I love his show, I love how he talks, what he talks about and I'm thrilled  for him that he's married again -he's divorced, just got married (he's a little younger than I am) and seems so, deservedly, happy.  And yes I have a minor crush -I'm a fan!  I would never tell my husband this because it might annoy him - not upset him but you know - why?  I'm never going to act on it, it's a fun "crush" to have and even my husband likes listening to him on the radio if he happens to be on.  So  - throughout your life with a partner assume he is human, assume at some point in time he's found another woman attractive or had a harmless "crush" on a "celebrity" - because we're human - what your partner promises you in a marriage is not to act on a crush or an attraction.  But no he doesn't have to tell you if he finds someone pretty or feels an attraction and don't presume he will feel attraction just because someone is pretty to look at. 

That’s a good way to put it. I just have to accept that. 

[Wiseman2]

Basically it seems like you are homesick and miss your friends family and socializing.

Living with someone as closed off as he is is also quite challenging.

The best thing to do is lower your investment in him and increase your investment in yourself.

That means stop doing his laundry while he's playing video games. That means stop making his dinner while he's too busy for you.

When someone is overinvesting this way it's like watching your horse at the racetrack because you bet your entire savings on it.

You lose control and helplessly watch from the sidelines while some arbitrary horse runs around with your precious investment.

Since he will not increase his investment, you need to invest much more in yourself. This means spend your money time and energy on things you enjoy, or that further your life and goals.

Also keep in mind that doing mommy things kills respect and romance faster than anything.

Don't be home when he gets back. Be out for a walk or shopping for yourself or something for you.

 

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, ForeverLearning said:

That’s a good way to put it. I just have to accept that. 

Well I think you have to accept that this is on you -that you can't control your feelings but you can control your reactions.  Also if you're worried about a pretty woman being in close proximity to him why does it stop there -in real life?  I'm sure he sees photos of pretty women constantly -social media, the news, etc and when he's not with you -coffee shops, work, the gym.  So where would your approach end - your approach meaning choosing to react to those feelings with anxiety.  Yes, we can feel our feelings and choose our reactions.  Simple example -this morning I felt unmotivated to work out - I was tired physically and drained overall.  When I feel that way -which fortunately is not all the time - I react in this way -I double down and I work out even harder - I go into autopilot full energy mode - the feelings of unmotivation are still there.  I let them be there -and I choose to have my body react by working out anyway. 

Sometimes to make the choice to react in a different way you have to sort of bribe yourself - "If I choose to act as if I am enough, if I choose not to ask my boyfriend for reassurance because someone I thought was pretty said hello to him, then I know later I'll feel a little better about myself".  It's sort of like regular stretching your body - doing it a couple of times- no big difference -over time, all of a sudden you notice your body is more flexible. Over time if you practice choosing a different reaction it will become almost reflexive -the feeling will come - and you'll be able to coexist with it because it will remain on the periphery instead of front and center. 

I had to do that in order to go on hundreds of dates to find a husband.  I typically felt a little nervous/anxious on that first meet or date - but obviously I wanted to make a good first impression.  I came up with mantras -not to squelch the feelings -can't do that -but to have them enough off the radar so I could be my best self and make a good decision about the guy.

[ForeverLearning]

16 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Well I think you have to accept that this is on you -that you can't control your feelings but you can control your reactions.  Also if you're worried about a pretty woman being in close proximity to him why does it stop there -in real life?  I'm sure he sees photos of pretty women constantly -social media, the news, etc and when he's not with you -coffee shops, work, the gym.  So where would your approach end - your approach meaning choosing to react to those feelings with anxiety.  Yes, we can feel our feelings and choose our reactions.  Simple example -this morning I felt unmotivated to work out - I was tired physically and drained overall.  When I feel that way -which fortunately is not all the time - I react in this way -I double down and I work out even harder - I go into autopilot full energy mode - the feelings of unmotivation are still there.  I let them be there -and I choose to have my body react by working out anyway. 

Sometimes to make the choice to react in a different way you have to sort of bribe yourself - "If I choose to act as if I am enough, if I choose not to ask my boyfriend for reassurance because someone I thought was pretty said hello to him, then I know later I'll feel a little better about myself".  It's sort of like regular stretching your body - doing it a couple of times- no big difference -over time, all of a sudden you notice your body is more flexible. Over time if you practice choosing a different reaction it will become almost reflexive -the feeling will come - and you'll be able to coexist with it because it will remain on the periphery instead of front and center. 

I had to do that in order to go on hundreds of dates to find a husband.  I typically felt a little nervous/anxious on that first meet or date - but obviously I wanted to make a good first impression.  I came up with mantras -not to squelch the feelings -can't do that -but to have them enough off the radar so I could be my best self and make a good decision about the guy.

Yeah. I definitely have to retrain my mind to think that way. Also, he hasn’t done anything to make me think otherwise. I just have to know I’m enough for him because he chose me. I think that should be my mantra. Thanks! That’s helpful! 

[tattoobunnie]

Time for you to retrain your brain!!!  Every time you catch yourself thinking about that incident, go look into a mirror or your cell, and say, "I'm one sexy ***!" or "I'm a hottie!"  You are stuck in a loop with that mindset, but even if he found all the women in the world attractive, that has nothing to do with your looks or how you are as a human being.  

And keep in mind, no matter how hot a woman is, there is always someone who's tried of f**king her.  And what I mean is, attraction is attraction, but it's not what what intimacy is made of, nor is it what keeps you together.  Mutual interests, respect, humor, love...as much we don't want to be all cavewoman about it, it can be...but so what, you still both choose each other every day.

(Sorry) Didn't read all of the posts. Someone beat me to the retrain your brain..."

[SooSad33]

On 2/4/2021 at 9:59 AM, ForeverLearning said:

when we first started dating, like a week in, he admitted that had feelings for a girl in our friend group. It hurt me because I felt like I was his second choice. Now fast forward a few years, that still kinda lingers in the back of my mind “could be have feelings for someone else?”

You two are prepping to get married.. sounds to me like no one else matters :)

I doubt you were his second choice... He chose YOU!

All of that happened, when you first started dating... But, Nothing came about with that.... So no bonding or relations went on at all with those two. What did happen was him and you.

Just keep looking forward, to what you DO have.. each other and sounds like you have a future.. together 😉 

[ForeverLearning]

1 hour ago, SooSad33 said:

You two are prepping to get married.. sounds to me like no one else matters 🙂

I doubt you were his second choice... He chose YOU!

All of that happened, when you first started dating... But, Nothing came about with that.... So no bonding or relations went on at all with those two. What did happen was him and you.

Just keep looking forward, to what you DO have.. each other and sounds like you have a future.. together 😉 

Thank you!!