ForeverLearning Posted February 4, 2021 Share Posted February 4, 2021 Hi, So my partner and I have been together for several years now and have plans to get married soon. But one thing that makes me kinda insecure is him being around other pretty women. Yeah I know it’s unreasonable because attraction is normal but it still kinda bothers me. To give some background, when we first started dating, like a week in, he admitted that had feelings for a girl in our friend group. It hurt me because I felt like I was his second choice. Now fast forward a few years, that still kinda lingers in the back of my mind “could be have feelings for someone else?” How do I cope with this? It’s not a huge thing to me but when I don’t have much going (like now) it comes to the forefront of my mind and I hate it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DancingFool Posted February 4, 2021 Share Posted February 4, 2021 Well....if you think about it, nobody is a first choice or even a second or umpteenth choice. The only way to be the first choice is if you are both teens and you are literally the first girl he's ever found attractive that way. It's not about being first, it's about being the right choice, the keeper. Figuring out who the keeper is takes some some dating and some experience. You don't actually want to be the first choice. You want to be the right choice. That said, this sounds to me more like an issue of trust. So how has your relationship been all these years? Has he given you reason to think that maybe he is not loyal? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ForeverLearning Posted February 4, 2021 Author Share Posted February 4, 2021 18 minutes ago, DancingFool said: Well....if you think about it, nobody is a first choice or even a second or umpteenth choice. The only way to be the first choice is if you are both teens and you are literally the first girl he's ever found attractive that way. It's not about being first, it's about being the right choice, the keeper. Figuring out who the keeper is takes some some dating and some experience. You don't actually want to be the first choice. You want to be the right choice. That said, this sounds to me more like an issue of trust. So how has your relationship been all these years? Has he given you reason to think that maybe he is not loyal? He’s never cheated or been disloyal. It’s just that one incident of him having feelings for someone else early on in our relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted February 4, 2021 Share Posted February 4, 2021 3 hours ago, ForeverLearning said: To give some background, when we first started dating, like a week in, he admitted that had feelings for a girl in our friend group. It was a dopey thing for him to say to you. Sort of a bull in a china shop. It's not about you or insecurities, it's about him being clueless. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Andrina Posted February 4, 2021 Share Posted February 4, 2021 Weren't you crushing on any guy or guys at the same time you met your bf, or within months of that? Or, in the past, hasn't that happened in different periods of your life? I don't know how old you are. When I was single and in community college, I know I had a crush on a guy in one of my biology classes and a guy in my ski club, along with another guy in my karate PE class. Chemistry is common when you're surrounded by attractive people your age. But that's all it is. If it's never taken to the next stage of dating for whatever reason, it's a relationship that wasn't meant to be. It was a fleeting experience. You two have gone well beyond the honeymoon stage. I'm sure during these two years he's revealed his ethics, relationship boundaries, and placed daily effort into your relationship. In fact, he wants to make you his lifetime partner. Has what he's shown you made you feel confident that you're making the right choice of making him your lifetime partner? If so, I'd suggest reading articles and books on positive self talk and boosting your self esteem. He wants to be with a happy, confident woman. Not some nervous pile of Jello, quivering that you fear he doesn't love you enough or that he's pining away for some momentary crush years ago. Listen to Joe Cocker's song, "Have a Little Faith in Me." It might make you feel better. And make sure you're not coming up with lame excuses to sabotage your relationship because you're second-guessing the next major step in the relationship. If you're afraid of marriage right now for whatever reason, explore why. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DancingFool Posted February 4, 2021 Share Posted February 4, 2021 17 minutes ago, ForeverLearning said: He’s never cheated or been disloyal. It’s just that one incident of him having feelings for someone else early on in our relationship. It was so early on, you didn't even have a relationship or much of a connection at that point. It was also foolish for him to tell you that. That said, we all open mouth and insert foot constantly. It's up to you to recognize that and let it go or allow it to poison your relationship. It's a choice. Also, I'm not so much asking if he is cheating as does he cherish you? Do you feel loved? Does he show it? Do you love and cherish him? Are you compatible? Is there something going on in your relationship besides that one incident that is perhaps leaving you feeling uncertain? Basically, are you focusing on something small because you are avoiding the giant elephant sitting in the corner? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ForeverLearning Posted February 4, 2021 Author Share Posted February 4, 2021 32 minutes ago, Andrina said: Weren't you crushing on any guy or guys at the same time you met your bf, or within months of that? Or, in the past, hasn't that happened in different periods of your life? I don't know how old you are. When I was single and in community college, I know I had a crush on a guy in one of my biology classes and a guy in my ski club, along with another guy in my karate PE class. Chemistry is common when you're surrounded by attractive people your age. But that's all it is. If it's never taken to the next stage of dating for whatever reason, it's a relationship that wasn't meant to be. It was a fleeting experience. You two have gone well beyond the honeymoon stage. I'm sure during these two years he's revealed his ethics, relationship boundaries, and placed daily effort into your relationship. In fact, he wants to make you his lifetime partner. Has what he's shown you made you feel confident that you're making the right choice of making him your lifetime partner? If so, I'd suggest reading articles and books on positive self talk and boosting your self esteem. He wants to be with a happy, confident woman. Not some nervous pile of Jello, quivering that you fear he doesn't love you enough or that he's pining away for some momentary crush years ago. Listen to Joe Cocker's song, "Have a Little Faith in Me." It might make you feel better. And make sure you're not coming up with lame excuses to sabotage your relationship because you're second-guessing the next major step in the relationship. If you're afraid of marriage right now for whatever reason, explore why. You’re right. That’s a big reason why I don’t bring it up to him. I suck it up until the feelings subside. But yeah I just need to work on getting over it and not feeling insecure. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ForeverLearning Posted February 4, 2021 Author Share Posted February 4, 2021 17 minutes ago, DancingFool said: It was so early on, you didn't even have a relationship or much of a connection at that point. It was also foolish for him to tell you that. That said, we all open mouth and insert foot constantly. It's up to you to recognize that and let it go or allow it to poison your relationship. It's a choice. Also, I'm not so much asking if he is cheating as does he cherish you? Do you feel loved? Does he show it? Do you love and cherish him? Are you compatible? Is there something going on in your relationship besides that one incident that is perhaps leaving you feeling uncertain? Basically, are you focusing on something small because you are avoiding the giant elephant sitting in the corner? Sometime (as my other post) he does make me feel neglected and ignores me but that’s something he’s working on. He’s made effort towards fixing that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ForeverLearning Posted February 4, 2021 Author Share Posted February 4, 2021 18 minutes ago, DancingFool said: It was so early on, you didn't even have a relationship or much of a connection at that point. It was also foolish for him to tell you that. That said, we all open mouth and insert foot constantly. It's up to you to recognize that and let it go or allow it to poison your relationship. It's a choice. Also, I'm not so much asking if he is cheating as does he cherish you? Do you feel loved? Does he show it? Do you love and cherish him? Are you compatible? Is there something going on in your relationship besides that one incident that is perhaps leaving you feeling uncertain? Basically, are you focusing on something small because you are avoiding the giant elephant sitting in the corner? Other than that, I’d say our relationship is happy and healthy. For example, I’ve been dealing with some recent health issues and he’s been really attentive and helpful while I’m sick. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
East4 Posted February 4, 2021 Share Posted February 4, 2021 Draw strength from the fact that you have been together for many years, the relationship is healthy and your boyfriend has been supportive. If he wasn't happy with you, he would not have stayed with you all these years. His actions speak that YOU ARE his first choice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ForeverLearning Posted February 4, 2021 Author Share Posted February 4, 2021 11 minutes ago, East4 said: Draw strength from the fact that you have been together for many years, the relationship is healthy and your boyfriend has been supportive. If he wasn't happy with you, he would not have stayed with you all these years. His actions speak that YOU ARE his first choice. Thank you. I needed to hear that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted February 4, 2021 Share Posted February 4, 2021 This guy doesn't spend time with you or meet your needs (gaming and on You tube), yet is controlling and doesn't want you out of the house. This should be your main concern. "He’s more so jealous that I’ll meet a guy I like or something. He’s really reclusive so he also doesn’t really understand why I need to have other people to talk to." Your relationship will remain miserable and isolating. I suggest you go back and reread your previous thread. You are now trying to make this about you, and not him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted February 4, 2021 Share Posted February 4, 2021 46 minutes ago, ForeverLearning said: Other than that, I’d say our relationship is happy and healthy. For example, I’ve been dealing with some recent health issues and he’s been really attentive and helpful while I’m sick. This is not truthful, as you were considering a breakup on Friday. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ForeverLearning Posted February 4, 2021 Author Share Posted February 4, 2021 2 minutes ago, Hollyj said: This is not truthful, as you were considering a break up on Friday. I said that he’s working on those things. I’m not denying that we’ve had issues. Like every relationship has. He has proven to me since then that he will take actions towards fixing those. Not sure what you’re trying to prove? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ForeverLearning Posted February 4, 2021 Author Share Posted February 4, 2021 49 minutes ago, ForeverLearning said: Sometime (as my other post) he does make me feel neglected and ignores me but that’s something he’s working on. He’s made effort towards fixing that. @Hollyj did you not read this that I wrote??? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted February 4, 2021 Share Posted February 4, 2021 4 minutes ago, ForeverLearning said: @Hollyj did you not read this that I wrote??? This was your last comment on that thread: "Because he’s apologized and changed for a bit. But then reverts back to normal." How many times have you gone through this? I guess all the changes have once again happened in less than a week. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ForeverLearning Posted February 4, 2021 Author Share Posted February 4, 2021 1 minute ago, Hollyj said: This was your last comment on that thread: "Because he’s apologized and changed for a bit. But then reverts back to normal." How many times have you gone through this? Your words. Okay. Do you want a trophy for showing me what I wrote last week? Yes I know. I’m aware. We moved on from that problem. If it happens again, I’ll address it. I’m asking a different question. You’re not constructive or helpful. Bye. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted February 4, 2021 Share Posted February 4, 2021 Just now, ForeverLearning said: Okay. Do you want a trophy for showing me what I wrote last week? Yes I know. I’m aware. We moved on from that problem. If it happens again, I’ll address it. I’m asking a different question. You’re not constructive or helpful. Bye. Keep your head in the sand. Good luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ForeverLearning Posted February 4, 2021 Author Share Posted February 4, 2021 Just now, Hollyj said: Keep your head in the sand. Good luck. You literally do this on every thread. Try to just push people down when they are seeking help. Not sure what’s going on in your personal life but you shouldn’t be taking it out on people on here simply seeking help or advice. There are other outlets for that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted February 4, 2021 Share Posted February 4, 2021 9 minutes ago, ForeverLearning said: You literally do this on every thread. Try to just push people down when they are seeking help. Not sure what’s going on in your personal life but you shouldn’t be taking it out on people on here simply seeking help or advice. There are other outlets for that. Nope. Folks on the other thread pointed out how controlling and isolating he is, add that to the fact that he is a recluse and hides out with his computer does not help. You might as well live on your own. You are not accepting that this is who is, and that he will not change, as he has shown you repeatedly. I don't understand why you continue with someone who makes you feel miserable and alone, and I believe you to be in a great state of denial, because you are more fearful of being by yourself. A lifetime with this guy sounds really awful as you stated in your other thread. I would hope that you would look within to understand why you are clinging onto a relationship that is so unfulfilling. Do you not believe you deserve better than this? Remember, I am going from what you have shared. Do you have friends or a life outside of this guy? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ForeverLearning Posted February 4, 2021 Author Share Posted February 4, 2021 7 minutes ago, Hollyj said: Nope. Folks on the other thread pointed out how controlling and isolating he is, add that to the fact that he is a recluse and hides out with his computer does not help. You might as well live on your own. You are not accepting that this is who is, and that he will not change, as he has shown you repeatedly. I don't understand why you continue with someone who makes you feel miserable and alone, and I believe you to be in a great state of denial, because you are more fearful of being by yourself. A lifetime with this guy sounds really awful as you stated in your other thread. I would hope that you would look within to understand why you are clinging onto a relationship that is so unfulfilling. Do you not believe you deserve better than this? Remember, I am going from what you have shared. Do you have friends or a life outside of this guy? Yeah. And I realized how bad it really was. So I had a serious talk with him about it. And he made steps to make the necessary changes, which he never seriously did before. But you wouldn’t know that because you aren’t in my relationship nor do you live my day to day life. Stop extrapolation. If I was unhappy, I’d leave. I have a lot of issues. I’ll never deny that. I’ve literally admitted it so many times on here. You want me to say it again? Because you seem to really feed off that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted February 4, 2021 Share Posted February 4, 2021 No, I don't. But, I do see how incredibly defensive you are- you know what I am saying is true. Sadly, I think you are delaying the inevitable. You said you were ready to leave and felt very isolated in your other thread, and so I determined you were very unhappy. By the way, many stay in miserable relationships, as they are fearful of being alone. Sad. I hope that you will both seek therapy for your issues. Good luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ForeverLearning Posted February 4, 2021 Author Share Posted February 4, 2021 5 minutes ago, Hollyj said: No, I don't. But, I do see how incredibly defensive you are- you know what I am saying is true. Sadly, I think you are delaying the inevitable. You said you were ready to leave and felt very isolated in your other thread, and so I determined you were very unhappy. By the way, many stay in miserable relationships, as they are fearful of being alone. Sad. I hope that you will both seek therapy for your issues. Good luck. Yep. Already do that. Something you should look into. It always helps. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted February 4, 2021 Share Posted February 4, 2021 7 minutes ago, ForeverLearning said: Yep. Already do that. Something you should look into. It always helps. I'm good. My personal relationships are fulfilling. You should address your defensiveness in this situation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ForeverLearning Posted February 4, 2021 Author Share Posted February 4, 2021 2 minutes ago, Hollyj said: I'm good. My personal relationships are fulfilling. You should address your defensiveness in this situation. Guess you’re in denial... you’re clearly taking your anger out on people and are unaware. I’m telling you what you’re doing. You’re choosing to reject the truth. I’m embracing my truth and seeking help for my issues. You are not truly happy. Once you’re honest with yourself, you will be. Have a nice day 🙂 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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