Heartbrokenchick Posted February 3, 2021 Share Posted February 3, 2021 Hello everybody, My boyfriend of 6 months found out a few days ago that I was a prostitute in the past. i worked as one 7 years ago when I was in my early 20’s. I’m now in my 30’s and a complete different person, I have a respectful job. When he first asked me I tried to deny it out of shame. I was looking for the courage up until this point but couldn’t get the words out. I had hoped if and when he found out he would say to me “the past is the past, it is okay we can get through this”. I finally wrote him a letter explaining why I become one and about my sexual abuse as a child. I expressed how sorry I was for not revealing this to him. we spent majority of this conversation crying. He told me that he loves me but he cannot be with me now because as long as we are together it will mess with his head. He feels disgusted in me and sad for me that I would do that as a job. He told me he will regret his decision to leave and that his heart is telling him to stay but his head is telling him the opposite. That he has never felt this way about anybody like he has me, he has felt more for me in 6 months than he did his ex gf of 4 years. This has made him insecure. I told him I would be willing to do everything I could to make it right, we could go see a councillor but he told me that the relationship has changed and that wouldn’t help. I said if you really loved me as much as you say you do then you wouldn’t just give up you would be willing to try until you couldn’t try anymore. before he left my home he said that he wants me to keep trying to show him I love him. I’m really conflicted. I love this man, we had plans to start a family and our future was bright. I told him to not make any drastic decisions and to think about it not while it’s still raw and fresh. he said if there is anything I need to contact him. There was no bye exchanged as he left my home. does anybody have any advice how I can tackle this? or if you have been in a similar situation. Whether the relationship can be saved? im so lost and heartbroken Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted February 3, 2021 Share Posted February 3, 2021 Honestly, going forward, if this relationship doesn't work out - i would be honest about my past "Due to the abuse I suffered, I made a few bad choices, etc.. but here is where i am at now..." and be honest. Its better for someone to walk away than to lose a good relationship than to find out after 2 kids. Prostitution is a really big one deal breaker for people - and 7 years ago is not a long time ago. I would not play the game of "showing that you love him." I would also not tell him what he should do (walk away or not). For now, i would not contact him and let him be. Let him think things out on his own without the interference of any pleading. He may never contact you again. He may. If this works out - it can't be about you begging or him being conflicted. He has to be with you because he wants to -- otherwise this is going to come up again. You are going to find that moving forward, some guys will be okay with it (not okay, but see that you have changed as a person and are satisfied about it), some creeps that will be intrigued by it and some guys where its just too big of a dealbreaker. just keep going forward Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted February 3, 2021 Share Posted February 3, 2021 btw, how did it come to be that he asked you if you were ever a prostitute - how did he find out or how did that even come up? Did you both run into someone from the past? did he see something online? Its not something someone usually asks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heartbrokenchick Posted February 3, 2021 Author Share Posted February 3, 2021 1 minute ago, abitbroken said: btw, how did it come to be that he asked you if you were ever a prostitute - how did he find out or how did that even come up? Did you both run into someone from the past? did he see something online? Its not something someone usually asks. He heard from a friend of his Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heartbrokenchick Posted February 3, 2021 Author Share Posted February 3, 2021 Although this friend has no proof he could easily say it was a lie if he really wanted to be with me Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted February 3, 2021 Share Posted February 3, 2021 He isn’t worthy of you. Period. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tinydance Posted February 4, 2021 Share Posted February 4, 2021 Well, in my opinion I actually think seven years is a long time and you were also very young. In particular if you'd been sexually abused, that also plays into it. The point is you didn't continue being a prostitute and for the last seven years you've been working in a respectable job. It would make more sense if someone broke up with you because you're a prostitute now. The problem is you actually can't change the past so you need a partner who will completely accept you and be fine with your past. I'm sorry to say but I don't think your boyfriend is "the one" or really truly loves you because he doesn't accept the real you. The real you does include having been a prostitute a long time ago so that's just the way it is. I'm sorry you're hurting but it's just not meant to be with this guy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lambert Posted February 4, 2021 Share Posted February 4, 2021 I'm sorry for all you have been through. I can understand his decision to end the relationship. Yes, that hurts. But! he has no right to say things that belittle And guilt you and then ask you to 'keep trying to show him'. Like he's so great. You cannot change the past. Maybe he has never had to do whatever it takes to survive. But he has no right to say he's disgusted and sad... and judge you like this. break up? ok... but this? he's a self righteous jerk. I think you should forgive yourself for this and maybe you'll need to talk to a therapist to help with that. Your past doesn't define you. Don't let this guy do this to you. Find a rman that understands hardships and that people can change. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Capricorn3 Posted February 4, 2021 Share Posted February 4, 2021 If that's the way he feels, then it's best that he leaves. I wouldn't fight for him to stay with you as he will always hold it against you one way or another. You cannot have a good, strong, healthy relationship when one side is forever holding something against you. Let him go. It was a very short 6 months - not that much time to really get to know someone well. Cut your losses and don't waste anymore time and energy on him. The unfortunate thing about stuff like this is that "mud sticks". Some people can accept it, for many it's a deal breaker etc. I agree with Lambert above: .... "I think you should forgive yourself for this and maybe you'll need to talk to a therapist to help with that". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heartbrokenchick Posted February 4, 2021 Author Share Posted February 4, 2021 5 hours ago, abitbroken said: btw, how did it come to be that he asked you if you were ever a prostitute - how did he find out or how did that even come up? Did you both run into someone from the past? did he see something online? Its not something someone usually asks. He heard from a friend of his Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heartbrokenchick Posted February 4, 2021 Author Share Posted February 4, 2021 Thank you for your advice. I am hoping for the best that he can see ive changed and that we could work through this to have a happy life together Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted February 4, 2021 Share Posted February 4, 2021 9 hours ago, Heartbrokenchick said: My boyfriend of 6 months found out a few days ago that I was a prostitute in the past. When he first asked me ....... At 28 weeks, it's a good time to observe how you fit together, compatibility, attraction etc. Why did he ask you this? "Were you ever a prostitute?" Is an extremely bizarre thing to ask at 6 mos or Ever, for that matter. How did this conversation arise? Basically, your sex life is your business. However in this case eventually what you do/did for a living will come out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heartbrokenchick Posted February 4, 2021 Author Share Posted February 4, 2021 1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said: At 28 weeks, it's a good time to observe how you fit together, compatibility, attraction etc. Why did he ask you this? "Were you ever a prostitute?" Is an extremely bizarre thing to ask at 6 mos or Ever, for that matter. How did this conversation arise? Basically, your sex life is your business. However in this case eventually what you do/did for a living will come out. His friend brought it to his attention. I was backed into a corner I had to eventually admit that to him. I was one for not long in my early 20’s when I was going for a very dark time in my life. I came out of it and have been working in respectful jobs ever since. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted February 4, 2021 Share Posted February 4, 2021 3 minutes ago, Heartbrokenchick said: His friend brought it to his attention. Why would his friends know about this? The bottom line is it's your business, but if you get serious with someone you will have to be honest about your life. Instead of defending yourself simply focus on what you do now and the past is in the past.. If you keep presenting it in a shameful manner, you'll have problems. Instead own it. You did what you did to survive and now it's over. Keep life simple. Stop dragging shame around with you. Will some guys see it as a deal breaker, sure. But they're not the right guys for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SherrySher Posted February 4, 2021 Share Posted February 4, 2021 It's a huge deal breaker for many people. I am sorry that you went through trauma and I sincerely hope that you are getting the help you need or got the help you need. But keeping this kind of thing a secret, was totally unfair in my opinion. It's not a small thing. At least be honest with a person upfront and let them decide if it's something they can handle or not. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jibralta Posted February 4, 2021 Share Posted February 4, 2021 12 hours ago, Seraphim said: He isn’t worthy of you. Period. I agree. I am so sorry that you are stuck in this situation, but he is clearly not the man for you. Unfortunately, most people ignore the fact that prostitutes are usually victims of sexual abuse and trafficking. It's really terrible. You just have to look at the whole Jeffrey Epstein thing to see how children and young women are marginalized while the men walk away squeaky clean. You are definitely not alone. Seriously, look into the Jeffrey Epstein thing. There are literally hundreds, if not thousands, of other young women like you out there, who think they've been forever tarnished or defiled by being victimized. You're not damaged goods. You just need to believe in yourself. And don't settle for anyone who doesn't believe in you. Have you tried searching for an online support group? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissCanuck Posted February 4, 2021 Share Posted February 4, 2021 2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Why would his friends know about this? I was about to ask the same thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted February 4, 2021 Share Posted February 4, 2021 2 hours ago, SherrySher said: It's a huge deal breaker for many people. I am sorry that you went through trauma and I sincerely hope that you are getting the help you need or got the help you need. But keeping this kind of thing a secret, was totally unfair in my opinion. It's not a small thing. At least be honest with a person upfront and let them decide if it's something they can handle or not. I agree -for example -what if he didn't tell you that 7 years ago he fathered a child, or had been married, or had been a heroin addict? Even if he'd been sober for 7 years wouldn't you want to know that about someone you might have a future with? I am really sorry about your trauma and the problem here is he found out from one of his friends -I bet you knew that was a possibility -do you still live in the same area? And then you denied it which made it even worse. It's also about the lie/deceit on your part. I'm sorry. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted February 4, 2021 Share Posted February 4, 2021 2 hours ago, Jibralta said: I agree. I am so sorry that you are stuck in this situation, but he is clearly not the man for you. Unfortunately, most people ignore the fact that prostitutes are usually victims of sexual abuse and trafficking. It's really terrible. You just have to look at the whole Jeffrey Epstein thing to see how children and young women are marginalized while the men walk away squeaky clean. You are definitely not alone. Seriously, look into the Jeffrey Epstein thing. There are literally hundreds, if not thousands, of other young women like you out there, who think they've been forever tarnished or defiled by being victimized. You're not damaged goods. You just need to believe in yourself. And don't settle for anyone who doesn't believe in you. Have you tried searching for an online support group? So so so true. As a child sexual abuse survivor I was so very lucky to have treatment and the unfailing support of my mom and a husband who loves and accepts me no matter what. He is not the man for you if he can’t understand victimization. I am so sorry. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted February 4, 2021 Share Posted February 4, 2021 You can't build a happy life with someone who doesn't accept you and your past. He does have the right to decide his own boundaries and deal breakers, as do you. Instead of trying to "show" or persuade someone to accept your past, it's better to build a relationship with someone you don't have to convince. This man isn't the right one for you. Don't expend anymore effort trying to convince him to change his mind. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted February 4, 2021 Share Posted February 4, 2021 How did the friend know? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted February 4, 2021 Share Posted February 4, 2021 He said that he is not able to move on from this and sees no future, but is happy to accept sexual services from you. He is treating you like a free prostitute. That's terrible! Is this the kind of man you want to fight for? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heartbrokenchick Posted February 4, 2021 Author Share Posted February 4, 2021 3 hours ago, Batya33 said: I agree -for example -what if he didn't tell you that 7 years ago he fathered a child, or had been married, or had been a heroin addict? Even if he'd been sober for 7 years wouldn't you want to know that about someone you might have a future with? I am really sorry about your trauma and the problem here is he found out from one of his friends -I bet you knew that was a possibility -do you still live in the same area? And then you denied it which made it even worse. It's also about the lie/deceit on your part. I'm sorry. If the roles were reverse I wouldn’t have left him. I know people can change and all that matters is the present and future. I did know there would be a possibility that he may find out and I hoped for a different reaction. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted February 4, 2021 Share Posted February 4, 2021 How did the friend know? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heartbrokenchick Posted February 4, 2021 Author Share Posted February 4, 2021 5 hours ago, Jibralta said: I agree. I am so sorry that you are stuck in this situation, but he is clearly not the man for you. Unfortunately, most people ignore the fact that prostitutes are usually victims of sexual abuse and trafficking. It's really terrible. You just have to look at the whole Jeffrey Epstein thing to see how children and young women are marginalized while the men walk away squeaky clean. You are definitely not alone. Seriously, look into the Jeffrey Epstein thing. There are literally hundreds, if not thousands, of other young women like you out there, who think they've been forever tarnished or defiled by being victimized. You're not damaged goods. You just need to believe in yourself. And don't settle for anyone who doesn't believe in you. Have you tried searching for an online support group? I can’t look at the Jeffrey Epstein case it triggers me. it is hard to believe I am not damaged goods especially when everybody I care about turns their back on me. I have not looked into online support groups but I will now, thankyou! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.