Unhappy Relationship - Stuck here in lockdown!

[SIto]

Just after some words of wisdom, support or simply another opinion. I’m really at a low point at the moment, living in my boyfriends house, 35 with a ticking body clock and desperately trying to bite my tongue in order to carry on paying off old debt save up and buy a place of my own. 

Because of COVID I have zero social life, we’re in lockdown so there’s nowhere to go or anything to do. 

I’ve been with my boyfriend for just over two years (we are both mid-30s). I moved in a year ago. 

He had been single for a long time prior to meeting me, and from what I can understand (I found two letters from ex’s in his messy house as I was moving in!) his previous relationships ended as he could be moody. He also cheated on one of them.

Just before i Moved in he started showing his true colours - being moody, snappy, ALWAYS on his phone, no affection, me/our relationship is bottom of his priority list. 
 

we’ve had many talks and arguments about it but he always tries spinning things around onto me. 
e.g. I asked him if he could think about being more mindful about the time he spends on his phone. His response was a very insulating “I need a reason to look up from My phone”  - I’ve really tried, but no amount of my one way conversations worked. He’s addicted to social media and cannot admit it.

I then caught him texting other girls; I confronted him, to be told he was sorry... but, he didn’t feel I flirted with him and liked the attention. Again, I tried, but got zero back. 
 

he does nothing (I mean zero) Around the house, his personal/toilet hygiene is appalling. Im Basically his maid. We don’t even go to bed at the same time - He’s lazy and makes no effort at all. I don’t feel loved or wanted.  He’s very self centred and cares little about the home or doing anything together. 
 

last week I left him (I booked an air b&b for two nights) He cried and said he realised he wanted me around... yet a week in and nothing has changed. I feel he has nit picked at me even more. I can’t even get up for a wee thorough the night without being accused of ‘rocking the bed’ purposely to wake him up.  
 

im an easy going, empathic person, but I’m really having to bite my tongue and keep calm. I had my first panic attack at the weekend after being snapped at all morning . I went and cried in the shower.

 

I feel like I was conned into a relationship with an ambitious, lovely guy who did have a few flaws but now his mask has dropped, this isn’t the person I met at all! Which makes it so hard as I was in love with someone who totally changed!
 

My last relationship I was cheated on, and ended up leaving him - I rented a house and was left with a bit of debt because of it which I’m able to manage well living here. I’m  feeling like I’ve got to 35 - nothing to show for it I.e my own home and im Worried I’ve blown any chance of having children or even meeting a good man.

im Still here because I’d like to save up enough deposit for my own place... I feel moving out to rent again will set me back another couple of years and I really don’t want to be stuck in the cycle again. 

I don’t know how long I can go on for like this, I’m trying to occupy myself as much as I can. 
 

has anyone else been in a similar situation? 

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, SIto said:

I moved in a year ago. 

Sorry this is happening. Where did you live before? Can you move in with family or friends until you can rent a place of your own? Your plan should be to extricate yourself asap from this abusive cheating man.

[SIto]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Where did you live before? Can you move in with family or friends until you can rent a place of your own? Your plan should be to extricate yourself asap from this abusive cheating man.

Thank you for listening and replying - it’s nice to be able to share what’s been happening. Even as I typed it I was wondering what good points I had to even stay!

I was having to rent before which was very expensive- living here has given me the opportunity to start paying off debt and start saving to be able to get a mortgage and put an end to the loop. I hoping for a bonus from work at the end of March... I just need to find the strength to make it two full months at least 

[SooSad33]

How long had you two been dating before you moved there?

So, he had never been rude -even about you moving about the bed- until you moved in?

What you could do, is either make agreements, that you do help clean, but he has to help as well (eg. he takes garbage out, does own laundry..?- then that's NOT on you)... maybe he has bad skills, as he was never taught about real cleaning?

 

If you are truly done with him and don't want to be involved, not sure the house design?  But could you maybe go on your own, occupy your own room/basement?  Just so you can remain?

If not, consider moving back out...

You know, not everyone manages to actually 'buy a home' have much for savings etc... ( I have none, as I had a cpl long term- I have a few kids.. I am just making it each month because of this- so everyone has a story.. many struggle.. so we sometime have to accept what we have)

 

[SIto]

15 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

How long had you two been dating before you moved there?

So, he had never been rude -even about you moving about the bed- until you moved in?

What you could do, is either make agreements, that you do help clean, but he has to help as well (eg. he takes garbage out, does own laundry..?- then that's NOT on you)... maybe he has bad skills, as he was never taught about real cleaning?

 

If you are truly done with him and don't want to be involved, not sure the house design?  But could you maybe go on your own, occupy your own room/basement?  Just so you can remain?

If not, consider moving back out...

You know, not everyone manages to actually 'buy a home' have much for savings etc... ( I have none, as I had a cpl long term- I have a few kids.. I am just making it each month because of this- so everyone has a story.. many struggle.. so we sometime have to accept what we have)

 

Thank you for sharing your perspective and opinion on the house buying etc.

We were together one year before moving in - he was always fun and relaxed and only once did I ever see a possible glimmer of his moody behaviour. When we met his house was messy/filthy/resembled a hoarder, which he put down to been very busy with his business. I helped transform it - cleaning and decorating but it’s clear now that it wasn’t due to being busy it was down to what his priorities are. I’ve tried to compromise with the cleaning but I get accused of treating him like a child when i calmly suggest we should split chores, I’ve tried everything.

the mortgage situation- you’re right, not everyone has the luxury to buy, maybe I just need to accept It’s not my time right now and to go with the flow - even if that means a rental and save slightly less for longer. I guess I just didn’t want history repeating itself and somewhere I can settle and call my own.

last night took a turn for the worst, I saw hearts ♥️ On his phone when I got into bed next to him - i challenged him and he got really defensive calling me crazy.  Clearly he’s texting someone else again; think it’s time I made a move 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

45 minutes ago, SIto said:

When we met his house was messy/filthy/resembled a hoarder, which he put down to been very busy with his business. I helped transform it - cleaning and decorating but it’s clear now that it wasn’t due to being busy it was down to what his priorities are. I’ve tried to compromise with the cleaning

Ok, keep the focus on getting out asap. In the meantime do not clean anything. Hoarders are very attached to their filth and garbage, it's a losing battle. Just refocus your energies to saving time, money, etc for moving.

[Andrina]

There are people who rent rooms in their house, sometimes in-law suites, which might be cheaper than an apartment. Something to consider to continue paying off your debts and saving $. I'd stop being intimate with him and not saying anything about breaking up until you've secured your new home.

You have plenty of time to eventually own a home. In fact, there are times I look back on my life and there are certain periods I wish I'd rented instead of buying.

As far as men, by the time you're ready to mentally date again, everyone should have received their vaccines and you can get out in the dating world again. After my first marriage ended, I did want a lifetime companion. It was practically like a 2nd job with all the dating I had to do. Because you normally have to date a boatload of people to find one who matches you in all the major ways. If you've never tried Meetup.com, I highly recommend that.

I hope after two cheaters, it's taught you to spot red flags sooner and better so that you don't waste time with another loser. Take care.

[SIto]

32 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok, keep the focus on getting out asap. In the meantime do not clean anything. Hoarders are very attached to their filth and garbage, it's a losing battle. Just refocus your energies to saving time, money, etc for moving.

Thank You 🙏 I really appreciate the advice.  I’ve had a call around rentals and have booked a viewing next Tuesday- it’s affordable and in a safe place whilst I get back on my feet again. 

[SIto]

11 minutes ago, Andrina said:

There are people who rent rooms in their house, sometimes in-law suites, which might be cheaper than an apartment. Something to consider to continue paying off your debts and saving $. I'd stop being intimate with him and not saying anything about breaking up until you've secured your new home.

You have plenty of time to eventually own a home. In fact, there are times I look back on my life and there are certain periods I wish I'd rented instead of buying.

As far as men, by the time you're ready to mentally date again, everyone should have received their vaccines and you can get out in the dating world again. After my first marriage ended, I did want a lifetime companion. It was practically like a 2nd job with all the dating I had to do. Because you normally have to date a boatload of people to find one who matches you in all the major ways. If you've never tried Meetup.com, I highly recommend that.

I hope after two cheaters, it's taught you to spot red flags sooner and better so that you don't waste time with another loser. Take care.

Thank you for your advice, I shall look Into meetup once I’m at that stage.

the intimacy has stopped, over the recent weeks, unfortunately we do share a bed but I’m already asleep on my side usually before he comes to bed, then I’m up early so bed time is minimum.

I really, genuinely thought I’d found a good guy who wasn’t a cheater this time after the last. He came on good recommendation from a mutual friend - I think the version of himself he puts out there is very different to  the real him behind closed Doors 

[DancingFool]

I think you need to get your priorities straight.

If getting married and having a family is truly important to you, then leave asap. Take the time left during the covid to heal and also to fix your picker. Once is an accident, twice or more is a pattern. Take some time to learn about covert narcissists - youtube is a great source for that. You are not crazy and yes these types put on a good mask, but not a perfect one. You can figure out some red flags to keep yourself safe from these. Put the house stuff on hold for a few years. Also, if marriage and family is your goal, then rushing to buy a house isn't in that interest as you may need to buy something else as a couple, or move, and so on.

If having a house is more important, then treat this like a business transaction. Stop expecting a relationship, accept that you are just a maid/cook/housekeeper to him, aka a convenience and basically do what you need to do around the house for your own sake and stop reacting/interacting with him as much as possible. Understand that he loooooves to upset you and rile you up, so go grey rock. Stop reacting, aka give exactly zero fcks because you are not there for him. He is using you as a housekeeper, you are using him to save money toward your dream of having a house. Stop worrying about him and keep your eye on your goal.

You will rarely if ever have it all at once in life, but you can get it all so long as you are honest with what matters to you and prioritize accordingly.

[SooSad33]

4 hours ago, SIto said:

I’ve tried to compromise with the cleaning but I get accused of treating him like a child when i calmly suggest we should split chores, I’ve tried everything.

 

4 hours ago, SIto said:

last night took a turn for the worst, I saw hearts ♥️ On his phone when I got into bed next to him - i challenged him and he got really defensive calling me crazy.

 

Yup- red flags.

He's really lacking AND is acting up.  Time to get out and get on your own, totally away from all of this kind of stuff 😞 

Sad, when some can't appreciate.. but nothing we can do but react- which is get out of it all.

Good, to act as you are.. you don't need this. ❤️

[SIto]

13 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

I think you need to get your priorities straight.

If getting married and having a family is truly important to you, then leave asap. Take the time left during the covid to heal and also to fix your picker. Once is an accident, twice or more is a pattern. Take some time to learn about covert narcissists - youtube is a great source for that. You are not crazy and yes these types put on a good mask, but not a perfect one. You can figure out some red flags to keep yourself safe from these. Put the house stuff on hold for a few years. Also, if marriage and family is your goal, then rushing to buy a house isn't in that interest as you may need to buy something else as a couple, or move, and so on.

If having a house is more important, then treat this like a business transaction. Stop expecting a relationship, accept that you are just a maid/cook/housekeeper to him, aka a convenience and basically do what you need to do around the house for your own sake and stop reacting/interacting with him as much as possible. Understand that he loooooves to upset you and rile you up, so go grey rock. Stop reacting, aka give exactly zero fcks because you are not there for him. He is using you as a housekeeper, you are using him to save money toward your dream of having a house. Stop worrying about him and keep your eye on your goal.

You will rarely if ever have it all at once in life, but you can get it all so long as you are honest with what matters to you and prioritize accordingly.

Thank you 🙏 

You're right about the house situation, I don’t want to jump in, buy in a rush and be stuck with something/somewhere I end up not wanting to be.

I’ll stop reacting and interacting, you’d spot on - I’ll treat this as a business interaction.

Covid will give me the chance for downtime and to heal and I need to take it.

 

[catfeeder]

Where were you living before moving in with this guy? If with a friend or family, could you negotiate a return to that place after renting a room for proper quarantine?

Otherwise, I'd treat this dud as a roommate and live the way that I want to live 'around' him until I can save up the money for security, first and last month's rent in an affordable place of my own.

The guy has rendered himself irrelevant, so I'd quit my focus on complaints about him, and focus instead on where I want to go as I move forward.

Head high, and don't get hung up on someone who needn't matter. You'll thank yourself later.

[SIto]

4 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Where were you living before moving in with this guy? If with a friend or family, could you negotiate a return to that place after renting a room for proper quarantine?

Otherwise, I'd treat this dud as a roommate and live the way that I want to live 'around' him until I can save up the money for security, first and last month's rent in an affordable place of my own.

The guy has rendered himself irrelevant, so I'd quit my focus on complaints about him, and focus instead on where I want to go as I move forward.

Head high, and don't get hung up on someone who needn't matter. You'll thank yourself later.

Thanks 🙏 

before I moved into his home I had a rental which I’d secured on a good deal for 3 years (rental here has now almost doubled for the same property type).

I’ve changed my mindset after reading the advice on here - you’re right, he is a dud and I need to treat him like a housemate and get out as soon as I can.

In the UK there is a help to buy scheme which after looking last night I would be eligible for - just something for me to look into as an option but I feel there is some light at the end of the tunnel. This would be a good future option, but right now I’m getting my money together for my escape!