feeling helpless

[Criss]

So, Im 32, decided to leave my country and live with my 28 year old boyfriend for 1 year in a new one under a work and holiday visa. He's been lucky to be able to work in his field and is thriving. My diploma from Europe has not been accepted and I thought I would be okay by doing something random for a while or doing something that is similar to what I did back at home but without needing permission for it. It turns out its been much more difficult than expected and I havent been able to find a job that I like. 

I also have been very homesick and the original plan was that I was going to be able to go back home every 6 months only that COVID happened. So now, its been over a year, Im saving a bit but not thriving, the work I am doing I find very repetitive and alot of questions are coming up in my relationship like: Where are we going next? What am I going to do? Turns out my possibilities are limited and I dont have the same opportunities as my partner. Also, I have been thinking about having a baby for the last year and my partner isnt ready. He says he doesnt want to think about it for another 5 to 10 years. Only that Im 32 and my clock is ticking. I sometimes wake up thinking about other women that have gotten pregnant and I feel anxious and jealous. I want both of us to want it. He says he's happy to go to my home country at some point again but he doesnt want to live there. He would rather live in his country (Australia).

We were supposed to go to Europe after our year of working abroad was over and give me a chance to build up more on it and we didnt because Covid hit and he wasnt going to be able to work there in his field.. I feel like Im the only one making compromises. He says he hasnt asked me. We go 50/50 on our expenses eventhough he makes alot more than me and I dont like that because I feel like he doesnt want to support me. And it makes me feel guilty to expect it. I also cant make much money going back home which I find hard...


In the last few months, I decided to go back home for a while for a month or two to think about everything and see my family and now, the restricitions have changed and it turns out that if I want to come back into the country I will have to pay over 2000 dollars and isolate for 14 days. I cant really afford it. So I decided to postpone it. I changed my flight yesterday and I had already given my notice at work that I was leaving next week.

Today I woke up depressed and feeling I cant make up my mind. I still have a few months of visa left, feeling like I should make the most out this opportunity and save, explore in the summer, but Im really missing my family. I feel lost. And not only have I felt anxious in the last few months, Im starting to feel depressed. I felt like I couldnt get out of bed today. This is starting to become a bit scary. 

Im driving my partner nuts, he says hes doing fine here, that he likes where he is. I like the country but I dont feel like Im thriving other than serving and saving up money I wouldnt be able to save otherwise, and we dont have any support system here. I know that might change after a while of being here (its been over 1.5 years). Im just feeling so helpless. 

I have a therapist but I just feel silly and immature everytime we speak, like I should be able to figure out my stuff on my own. My boyfriend says Im a bit like the child that yelled wolf and no one ended up believing him anymore. He's tried giving me many options about thing s I could do.. He says hes done and tired. My words dont match my actions and I just dont know what to do. 

I feel stuck. I tried to fix it by leaving but if I do I mght not be able to come back. I dont know what to do. Its driving me crazy. How am I supposed to even start a family in the next few years and feeling like i do?

 

[Wiseman2]

35 minutes ago, Criss said:

I decided to go back home for a while for a month or two to think about everything and see my family and now

Go back home to your friends family and country. Enlist their help. He is offering you nothing but headaches, heartaches and empty promises..  

[SooSad33]

Not sure of your history?  Are you 2 from diff countries?

 How long have you two been involved? 

Sounds like you are pressuring him too much.

As you can see, as time went on, you are not happy at all being there, with him.. Last thing you need is a child.

Can you not just contact your work and tell them you are not leaving after all? 

I agree, go back home.  You do not sound happy there with him.. but very unsettled.

 

[smackie9]

Him not wanting kids soon, or settling down, and living close to your family...those are deal breakers hun. You can't make him want what you want. It's time to go back home.

[catfeeder]

If you could pick the worst possible time to shoot for a pregnancy, it would be now. Not just because of covid, but because you're creating a 'job' for a baby to give you a purpose that you haven't been able to define for yourself.

That's no crime, and you're not a villain, it's just a self defeating thing to do--and an awful lot of pressure to put on the life of a baby--who will ultimately figure it out and resent you for it.

So skip that idea for the time being.

You're living your life on pause right now in the same way that most peopler are doing at this time.

So while paused, I'd consider doing the opposite of beating yourself up for that. It's not productive. You're adding unnecessary stressors to a situation that you can't control--nobody can control--and what's the point in doing that?

Most people who are lucky enough to be working at all do not love their jobs right now.

So consider finding the least objectionable kind of work that you can find, or better yet, consider your resignation from the job that you were not thrilled about to be the opening of a new opportunity to find or temp your way into discovering something better.

Lean Into your therapy instead of censoring yourself and judging yourself. Vent your complaints with an understanding with your therapist that you don't want to leave the session in a state of having drilled yourself down into a deeper hole to climb out of. Raise your concerns with an agreement that you are willing to hear ways to to flip the table on those to view them through a different lens.

Boyfriend may or may not be relevant in your ultimate outcome, but he's at very least relevant on a day-to-day basis. So make a private commitment to stop comparing yourself to him--or any other rare person who is faring well during this time.

Head high, and hang in there. Write more if it helps.

 

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, catfeeder said:

If you could pick the worst possible time to shoot for a pregnancy, it would be now. Not just because of covid, but because you're creating a 'job' for a baby to give you a purpose.

? She is not trying to get pregnant. Furthermore, people all over the world can and will have children in the next couple of years. 

[Tinydance]

Honestly I think everything else aside, the fact that you're 32 and your boyfriend doesn't want kids for another 5-10 years is a problem. As someone who is 36 and wants kids, I totally understand the ticking clock thing. I think your boyfriend has given you an answer regarding kids and that's his real answer. It's very unlikely he would change his mind and it's not fair of you to pressure him to have kids sooner. I live in Australia also and here it's not that common for men to want kids until their 30's. Seeing as your boyfriend is only 28, the 5-10 year time frame sounds fairly normal for Australian men. Whereas obviously for you even five years is probably getting a bit late, but ten is way late. I think you'd be better off to be with a guy in his 30's or even 40's who's ready to have kids very soon. 

As to living in Australia the last 1.5 years. Well, one year has been in lockdown and with immense COVID stress, so to be fair it hasn't really been the right representation of what it's really like to live in Australia. It's difficult to experience all this country has to offer when all you can do is stay home or under restrictions for a year. I'm actually from Eastern Europe originally but came to Australia as a young teenager with my family. I love Australia and think it's quite progressive and open-minded compared to my home country. I'm not trying to talk you into staying here but just trying to provide some perspective. You may need to do some further study to get a diploma or university degree here in Australia if you did choose to stay. Many people who came from overseas have had to do that. However if you're really doubting if you like Australia and are even happy with your boyfriend, then why stay here any longer?