GreatiGuess Posted February 2, 2021 Share Posted February 2, 2021 We've been friends for 2 years and now have been dating for 2 years. I'm going too skip a lot too get the point out. Her family is abusive and had a lot of druggie friends that didn't care about her. Since we've been dating she's not in contact with her family and her family hates her. She doesn't have any of her friends anymore. She lives with me and my family she really loves me and I love her too but I don't love her the same way I used too. I've been able too get her a job and help her get a car which where two things her family wouldn't let her have. I can't help but feel uncomfortable because I dont love her the way she loves me. If we break up then she has just about no where to go. For just about half a year now I've just played along because I'd ruin her life if I broke up with her. Any suggestions? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gamon Posted February 2, 2021 Share Posted February 2, 2021 She's got a job and a car thanks to you. So tell her you're not feeling it and you're breaking up, and help her find an apartment, preferably with a roommate so she can split the costs. What's the alternative? Stay connected to her forever because she can't get through life without you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
1a1a Posted February 2, 2021 Share Posted February 2, 2021 Break up with her, you both deserve to be fully into each other and you are doing her a disservice pretending you are when you aren’t. It’s going to really suck especially because her support network is so thin but it has to be done, she’ll have to go through this storm. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GreatiGuess Posted February 2, 2021 Author Share Posted February 2, 2021 4 minutes ago, gamon said: She's got a job and a car thanks to you. So tell her you're not feeling it and you're breaking up, and help her find an apartment, preferably with a roommate so she can split the costs. What's the alternative? Stay connected to her forever because she can't get through life without you? The city I live in has really expensive rent. And she doesn't have the best job but it's what she likes to do and that's working with kids. She's going to college on top of that to become a teacher. I wouldn't feel right ruining her life just too maybe make myself happier. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GreatiGuess Posted February 2, 2021 Author Share Posted February 2, 2021 5 minutes ago, 1a1a said: Break up with her, you both deserve to be fully into each other and you are doing her a disservice pretending you are when you aren’t. It’s going to really suck especially because her support network is so thin but it has to be done, she’ll have to go through this storm. Yes, I agree but I can't just up and say I don't feel the same about you like I used too and break up. While she's torn and now has the responsibilities of a place to stay food ect. She's been through a lot and I've helped keep her afloat and I don't know if she'd be able too manage doing all those things for herself while going to college. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gamon Posted February 2, 2021 Share Posted February 2, 2021 Ok, so just pretend everything is hokey dorey for months or years and waste your life waiting until you think the time is right in her life to tell her she's gotta find a new boyfriend and another place to live. I wonder how long that will be. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
1a1a Posted February 2, 2021 Share Posted February 2, 2021 She’s going to wonder how long you didn’t love her regardless of when you split, I certainly did. Don’t string her along like that. if your reasons for stringing her along are worry she can’t life in this city break up but tell her she doesn’t have to move out for x months. That’s It’s own kind of hard but at least that will give her some time to work out how she can move. Dont set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GreatiGuess Posted February 2, 2021 Author Share Posted February 2, 2021 1 minute ago, 1a1a said: She’s going to wonder how long you didn’t love her regardless of when you split, I certainly did. Don’t string her along like that. if your reasons for stringing her along are worry she can’t life in this city break up but tell her she doesn’t have to move out for x months. It’s own kind of hard but at least that will give her some time to work out how she can move. Dont set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm Thank you. I'll try to figure a way too help her get situated. But let her know how I feel. It's just such a hard decision because I feel so wrong for doing so. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeartGoesOn Posted February 2, 2021 Share Posted February 2, 2021 Keep in mind that she's an adult, and everyone has to start from scratch in one way or another. Why not be straight with her, give her a time frame to find her way. You're not being mean, she'll still land on her feet eventually. It's either pay now or pay later, so to speak. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cherylyn Posted February 2, 2021 Share Posted February 2, 2021 2 hours ago, GreatiGuess said: She can be independent now thanks to you. She has a car and a job. If she can't afford rent, she can try to find a roommate. Don't feel guilty. She's a grown adult and you are not responsible for her or her livelihood. She needs to figure it out on her own. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted February 2, 2021 Share Posted February 2, 2021 9 hours ago, GreatiGuess said: . She lives with me and my family Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately a relationship is not about your family taking in a stray pet for you to play with. Ok, you gave her a hand, now let go. Stop stringing her along. She may be obsequious and beholding and gives you sex, but ending things would probably be a welcome relief for her as well. However this mess you made needs to be handled appropriately. You'll have to give her adequate time and notice to move out. In the meantime stop faking it and stop having sex. Keep in mind human beings are not cute little stray pets you bring home, play with for a while, then get tired of. Stop having sex. You don't love her. Adequate notice. Treat her as a human being. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
No1 Posted February 4, 2021 Share Posted February 4, 2021 I know some of the options might not be as easy as it sounds. Some say just kick her out and she is on her own, but the city is expensive and its not that easy. So kicking her out is not a realistic option. Having her stay in your room full time is also not a best option, but a good one. Or maybe staying in another room in the meanwhile is a better option. IMO if you kick her out now, you will be just like everyone else that abandoned her. Even tho you helped her get a job and car she could feel that you are abandoning her. I say could but doesnt mean she will, but I would error on the side of caution. Many years ago, i was right where you are now. What happened to me was that it felt like taking care of her was a 2nd full time job and not a relationship. You have no free time or space and any space you get, she is going to be there. It wasnt that I didnt love her, but it was more of a chore than it was a partnership. If that makes sense. So you cant kick her out, you cant keep her. So what do you do? Tell her what you feel, she will cry and you will probably have to sleep in another room or sofa city that night but she will be okay. But before the break up conversation is over, you two come up with a plan to get her on her feet. Set a time table like 60 days or 90 days and stick to it. (I chose 60-90 because in some states you cant kick someone out thats been living in the home and established even if they are not paying rent). In the meantime if you two sort out the relationship it wont be so awkward. I know that position you are in is not easy and any realistic solution is going to take some time. If there is another room she can sleep in, that would be great or if you have friends that needs a roomy or a relative that can help out with an extra room for a few months. Solutions are there, just no quick ones. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tinydance Posted February 4, 2021 Share Posted February 4, 2021 I think being in a relationship with her is not really an option because you don't feel the same way anymore and don't want to be with her. That's really unfair on both you and her. Also she can't just rely on you and your family to take care of her all the time. She has to stand on her own two feet and know how to get through life. Yes, also how to get through a break up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted February 4, 2021 Share Posted February 4, 2021 She has to become independent at some point in her life. She will have to find a place with roommates . Why doesn't she have any friends? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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