ForeverLearning Posted February 4, 2021 Author Share Posted February 4, 2021 On 2/1/2021 at 10:36 AM, gamon said: So then he hasn't changed. A woman marries a guy figuring she can change him. A man marries a woman thinking she'll never change. Both tend to be disappointed. I should say that we have worked through the issues. I don’t want to get specific on what they are but had partly to do with the pandemic and other stressors. Things weren’t as bad as I had though (I made this post at the high of my emotions). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted February 4, 2021 Share Posted February 4, 2021 On 1/29/2021 at 5:23 PM, ForeverLearning said: He likes his alone time on weekends and sometimes during the week. I try to spend time with him when I can but he usually tells me to go away because he’s busy with school or something. It hurts me a lot. We argue about it a lot and then he apologizes but then goes back to doing the same thing. It’s like an infinite cycle. At this point, I’m not sure if I should keep putting up with it and hope he changes or just leave him? So none of this is an issue any longer? It's been resolved in the past 6 days? And you also don't feel insecure about the other girl he said he had feelings for years ago? I wonder if you're searching for a reason to leave him, then when it comes down to it you are too fearful to actually leave. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ForeverLearning Posted February 4, 2021 Author Share Posted February 4, 2021 1 minute ago, boltnrun said: So none of this is an issue any longer? It's been resolved in the past 6 days? And you also don't feel insecure about the other girl he said he had feelings for years ago? I wonder if you're searching for a reason to leave him, then when it comes down to it you are too fearful to actually leave. No trust me. I’d leave. It isn’t because he’s taken the correct steps to resolving it this time. Much different than the other times. and yeah it’s a mixture of bored and overthinking I think. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rose Mosse Posted February 4, 2021 Share Posted February 4, 2021 Are you inspired by this person or is the relationship out of convenience? You'll have to rediscover yourself in this new city/new area and see whether both of you are meant to be together. Right now it doesn't look good from the things you've said. You have differences in schedules and your different interests might also mean that there's not enough meaningful or quality time spent together. How do you usually feel loved in relationships? Or appreciated? Does he try to show you these things in ways that YOU understand and appreciate? The thing with two people coming together in close quarters is that not every day is a bed of roses. There are some days someone is sick or ill, grumpy, stressed out by work or family issues, another one is wanting to talk about vacation and the other is thinking about he/she can go camping with his/her friends and so on. Both of you come together as individuals and entwine your lives together as a couple, layering different interests, hobbies and goals together like a multi-layered cake. This is the way it works and healthy relationships will give back to one another and understand what the other needs in order to FEEL loved. You may bake him a cake but he doesn't like cakes. This doesn't speak to him. And vice versa for how love is spoken to you. Leave room for disagreements and falling in and out of interests. All these things are things in passing. Habits and interests that stick, real passionate interests, are usually better shared. If you both love astronomy it's a plus. If you both like gaming that's a plus. Think about the things you have in common and see whether you can share more time doing those things. Don't get lost in the differences. Come back together. If you feel you're putting in most of the effort and he's lost or constantly tired, I'd look at other reasons or stressors. He may be suffering from depression or some other untreated mental health issue. Don't undermine these. Hugs again! 🥰 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tinydance Posted February 4, 2021 Share Posted February 4, 2021 On 31/01/2021 at 1:33 PM, ForeverLearning said: Because he’s apologized and changed for a bit. But then reverts back to normal. I actually really believe that people don't change. People have a very set personality, values, beliefs and habits and overall change quite little. E.g. They might stop being into X TV show and now like Y TV show. So the changes are only on a small scale and not changing their personality or how they behave. Also apart from being jealous that you try to have friends, it doesn't really sound like your boyfriend is doing anything wrong as such. He just sounds like he's not an outgoing person who likes to go out and so things or hang out with friends. He likes his alone time and his hobbies are video games and YouTube. You want him to spend more time with you but he doesn't want that in a relationship, he wants things to be the way they are. If he doesn't want to spend more time with you or wants you to have your own friends, it sounds like he's not really the right guy for you. He's not necessarily a horrible person but he just sounds like someone who likes to be secluded in his own relationship and doesn't believe in having friends. Why don't you write down on a piece of paper what things you want in a relationship? Then think about if your boyfriend matches what you want. If he doesn't, he's probably the wrong person for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ForeverLearning Posted February 4, 2021 Author Share Posted February 4, 2021 1 minute ago, Tinydance said: I actually really believe that people don't change. People have a very set personality, values, beliefs and habits and overall change quite little. E.g. They might stop being into X TV show and now like Y TV show. So the changes are only on a small scale and not changing their personality or how they behave. Also apart from being jealous that you try to have friends, it doesn't really sound like your boyfriend is doing anything wrong as such. He just sounds like he's not an outgoing person who likes to go out and so things or hang out with friends. He likes his alone time and his hobbies are video games and YouTube. You want him to spend more time with you but he doesn't want that in a relationship, he wants things to be the way they are. If he doesn't want to spend more time with you or wants you to have your own friends, it sounds like he's not really the right guy for you. He's not necessarily a horrible person but he just sounds like someone who likes to be secluded in his own relationship and doesn't believe in having friends. Why don't you write down on a piece of paper what things you want in a relationship? Then think about if your boyfriend matches what you want. If he doesn't, he's probably the wrong person for you. I agree. But I think people are willing to change for people that matter to them. He ultimately shut down because I was asking for a lot from him and I wasn’t considering his needs. So we talked about it and found a happy balance to where he doesn’t end up shutting down like that again. We address the issue at its core unlike all the other times. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tinydance Posted February 4, 2021 Share Posted February 4, 2021 4 minutes ago, ForeverLearning said: I agree. But I think people are willing to change for people that matter to them. He ultimately shut down because I was asking for a lot from him and I wasn’t considering his needs. So we talked about it and found a happy balance to where he doesn’t end up shutting down like that again. We address the issue at its core unlike all the other times. Well what do you think you want in this relationship in order to not feel lonely and to feel happy? It's not unreasonable at all to want to have friends. Especially if your boyfriend is busy with work, school and his own interests. There are probably opportunities for you to meet friends in the new area such as Meetup groups, hobby classes, even online friendship apps like Bumble BFF or Patook. Is your boyfriend willing to let you do that? Is he willing to spend more time with you and go out on dates? You want these things so unless he's going to put in the effort then how will things change? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ForeverLearning Posted February 4, 2021 Author Share Posted February 4, 2021 12 minutes ago, Tinydance said: Well what do you think you want in this relationship in order to not feel lonely and to feel happy? It's not unreasonable at all to want to have friends. Especially if your boyfriend is busy with work, school and his own interests. There are probably opportunities for you to meet friends in the new area such as Meetup groups, hobby classes, even online friendship apps like Bumble BFF or Patook. Is your boyfriend willing to let you do that? Is he willing to spend more time with you and go out on dates? You want these things so unless he's going to put in the effort then how will things change? He has been letting me find friends online but he’s really strict about the new men I meet which I understand and respect. One of the things he started since our argument is arranging date nights at least once a week. That way we do something he likes to do: whether it’s a board game or video game together. It’s the fact that we’re doing it together. This is something I think he finally understands. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted February 5, 2021 Share Posted February 5, 2021 "He has been letting me find friends." He has to give you permission? Are you allowed in have friends offline or without his approval? You do something "he likes." Can you do things you like? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jibralta Posted February 5, 2021 Share Posted February 5, 2021 11 hours ago, ForeverLearning said: One of the things he started since our argument is arranging date nights at least once a week. That way we do something he likes to do: whether it’s a board game or video game together. It’s the fact that we’re doing it together. This is something I think he finally understands. That's good! Are you also doing things that you enjoy? Are there things that you both enjoy doing together? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ForeverLearning Posted February 5, 2021 Author Share Posted February 5, 2021 26 minutes ago, Jibralta said: That's good! Are you also doing things that you enjoy? Are there things that you both enjoy doing together? I really just like doing things with him. But yeah I make sure to tell him when I want to do a particular thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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