ForeverLearning Posted January 30, 2021 Share Posted January 30, 2021 My partner and I have been together for a few years and have plans to get married. We both work full time during the week. I work from home all the time and he has to go in everyday. So I usually try to have a home cooked meal ready when he gets back or his laundry done. Anything for him to feel less stress. I feel like I do a lot for him. We also recently moved to a new area so I really have no friends and I’m alone a lot. But I really crave social interaction. He likes his alone time on weekends and sometimes during the week. I try to spend time with him when I can but he usually tells me to go away because he’s busy with school or something. It hurts me a lot. We argue about it a lot and then he apologizes but then goes back to doing the same thing. It’s like an infinite cycle. At this point, I’m not sure if I should keep putting up with it and hope he changes or just leave him? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SooSad33 Posted January 30, 2021 Share Posted January 30, 2021 Leave him... because he is busy? You two work in different places... argue sometimes? Things like this are 'normal' with couples... Stressors, change.. challenges. IF you truly love this guy you will try harder to remain & work these things out. Is not his fault, he is busy and gets tired/ needing his 'down time'.... Can you do some things on your own? Get a hobby or craft.. take walks, etc. ( Until you can at least get to know your area better & meet some other people) I feel you need to learn to compromise.. communicate & understand each other's needs more. Can you two try to arrange a 'date night'? A day or night out, away from the stressors of life? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melancholy123 Posted January 30, 2021 Share Posted January 30, 2021 You need to figure out how to occupy yourself when he is busy. You need a hobby or get to know your neighbours. Join an online social group (covid being the main problem for getting out with others). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ForeverLearning Posted January 30, 2021 Author Share Posted January 30, 2021 7 hours ago, melancholy123 said: You need to figure out how to occupy yourself when he is busy. You need a hobby or get to know your neighbours. Join an online social group (covid being the main problem for getting out with others). I’m trying. Another issues is that when I do go off on my own, he tends to get jealous and limits who I can talk to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ForeverLearning Posted January 30, 2021 Author Share Posted January 30, 2021 8 hours ago, SooSad33 said: Leave him... because he is busy? You two work in different places... argue sometimes? Things like this are 'normal' with couples... Stressors, change.. challenges. IF you truly love this guy you will try harder to remain & work these things out. Is not his fault, he is busy and gets tired/ needing his 'down time'.... Can you do some things on your own? Get a hobby or craft.. take walks, etc. ( Until you can at least get to know your area better & meet some other people) I feel you need to learn to compromise.. communicate & understand each other's needs more. Can you two try to arrange a 'date night'? A day or night out, away from the stressors of life? Yeah you make a good point. I guess I don’t want to have to fight for his time. I do arrange a date night once a week but oftentimes he says he’s too tired to do anything. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted January 30, 2021 Share Posted January 30, 2021 11 hours ago, ForeverLearning said: I usually try to have a home cooked meal ready when he gets back or his laundry done. He likes his alone time on weekends and sometimes during the week. he usually tells me to go away because he’s busy with school or something. He won't change, so until you can make arrangements to move back home, you'll have to change. Do not seek out his company . Reach out to friends and family and get involved in your interests and work/school, etc. Get busy with "alone time or something", when he's around. That means discontinue being a housekeeper/mother. Do not do his laundry. Do not cook or shop for his meals. Let him do that during his "alone time", whatever that is. What exactly is he doing during this alone time "or something"? Chatting with other women while you cook? Gaming while you do his housework? Don't be shoved off like a piece of furniture. You are not married, you're are not a housewife. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jibralta Posted January 30, 2021 Share Posted January 30, 2021 11 hours ago, ForeverLearning said: He likes his alone time on weekends and sometimes during the week. I try to spend time with him when I can but he usually tells me to go away because he’s busy with school or something. It hurts me a lot. We argue about it a lot and then he apologizes but then goes back to doing the same thing. It’s like an infinite cycle. At this point, I’m not sure if I should keep putting up with it and hope he changes or just leave him? It sounds like your needs aren't being met. You crave more attention than he is willing or able to give. It may be a simple question of compatibility. Question is, do you need a reasonable amount of attention, or do you think your needs are unreasonable? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ForeverLearning Posted January 30, 2021 Author Share Posted January 30, 2021 45 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: He won't change, so until you can make arrangements to move back home, you'll have to change. Do not seek out his company . Reach out to friends and family and get involved in your interests and work/school, etc. Get busy with "alone time or something", when he's around. That means discontinue being a housekeeper/mother. Do not do his laundry. Do not cook or shop for his meals. Let him do that during his "alone time", whatever that is. What exactly is he doing during this alone time "or something"? Chatting with other women while you cook? Gaming while you do his housework? Don't be shoved off like a piece of furniture. You are not married, you're are not a housewife. During his “alone time” he’s usually gaming or watching YouTube videos. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lambert Posted January 30, 2021 Share Posted January 30, 2021 I can appreciate the mixed advice here. I think you need to decide if things don't change, will you be happy? As much as, I whole heartedly believe, we all have to be full on our own. Meaning that you should be able to be on your own, when he needs down time. Sometimes that's not the case. If he needs alone time more than you need alone time, it's a problem. Are you needy? Or are you incompatible? I would put the breaks on to marrying until you figure this out. Before anyone gets married or even decides to be in a relationship, you gotta talk about your needs, what you want in a partner and what a healthy relationship is to you. Many people get into relationships without doing this. I know I have. And its probably because ignorance is bliss. Is it better to romanticize the connection, the chemistry, the soul mate and make excuses firc why you can't leave? Or is it better to know your mate isn't compatible in XYZ and make a mature decision that effects your entire life, like marriage. Talk to him.. tell him how you feel. if he doesn't understand or gets mad, you have a pretty good idea of what the future holds. All problems in relationships can be fixed. But it takes both people working on it. That's the part that messes things up. One person can be communicating, compromising, growing, contributing... but if the other doesn't hear, doesn't understand, doesn't know how to communicate, is unwilling to be vulnerable, it won't work. Some things you just can't explain to another person. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Andrina Posted January 30, 2021 Share Posted January 30, 2021 2 hours ago, ForeverLearning said: I’m trying. Another issues is that when I do go off on my own, he tends to get jealous and limits who I can talk to. That's a dealbreaker in itself. Unwarranted jealousy and controlling. Consider this as your "starter" relationship where you learned what you don't want in a relationship. Never be joined at the hip, having your own friends and hobbies and time alone besides having a partner. But in this case, I don't think that would solve this problem since he balks when you do go out. I was also in a 1 year relationship where I didn't feel like a priority and he was too tired for date days/nights as well. I freed myself from that disaster and the next man I dated 9 months later ended up having all the time in the world for me and he's never too tired to do fun things. He became my husband. Free yourself for someone more compatible with your needs, and a person who doesn't possess dealbreakers. That's the secret to relationship happiness. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted January 30, 2021 Share Posted January 30, 2021 This is who he is. The relationship sounds very lonely and boring. I can’t imagine a future with someone like this Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SooSad33 Posted January 30, 2021 Share Posted January 30, 2021 1 hour ago, Andrina said: I’m trying. Another issues is that when I do go off on my own, he tends to get jealous and limits who I can talk to. Yes... I agree this is a NO. I was going so say I know a few who love their 'gaming', etc and thing is, can you handle that? (has he always been like that...?) But then i see this... Jealousy to a point is acceptable.. but to control you? NO. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted January 30, 2021 Share Posted January 30, 2021 2 hours ago, SooSad33 said: Yes... I agree this is a NO. I was going so say I know a few who love their 'gaming', etc and thing is, can you handle that? (has he always been like that...?) But then i see this... Jealousy to a point is acceptable.. but to control you? NO. I missed that bit. Forever, I do not understand why you are with this guy. The control on top of isolating himself at home. Yikes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ForeverLearning Posted January 30, 2021 Author Share Posted January 30, 2021 2 hours ago, Hollyj said: I missed that bit. Forever, I do not understand why you are with this guy. The control on top of isolating himself at home. Yikes. I hear you. He’s more so jealous that I’ll meet a guy I like or something. He’s really reclusive so he also doesn’t really understand why I need to have other people to talk to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lambert Posted January 31, 2021 Share Posted January 31, 2021 3 hours ago, ForeverLearning said: I hear you. He’s more so jealous that I’ll meet a guy I like or something. He’s really reclusive so he also doesn’t really understand why I need to have other people to talk to. I think you need to ask yourself why he is so jealous. I know it feels good at first. like wow this person really cares, really thinks I'm so great. But here's the thing about jealousy... its them, not you. The insecurities and lack inside them, sometimes justifiably so, is them. Not about you or who their partner is. It's a control problem. you could be homely as all heck, never attract attention in a romantic way and they're still going to make a big deal out of it. It's a control. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted January 31, 2021 Share Posted January 31, 2021 Hanging around hoping he'll "change" is futile. What if he's sticking around hoping you'll "change"? If someone needs to "change" to be right for you, they're wrong for you. It's ok for a relationship to not work out because you two are incompatible. Don't make the same mistake I made. I married someone who was literally anti-social (not psychotic, just hated socializing) and resented that I had friends and liked to be around people. We had a miserable few years until we realized it was time to let each other go. That way he was free to be him and I was free to be me without any hurt feelings or resentment. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ForeverLearning Posted January 31, 2021 Author Share Posted January 31, 2021 1 hour ago, boltnrun said: Hanging around hoping he'll "change" is futile. What if he's sticking around hoping you'll "change"? If someone needs to "change" to be right for you, they're wrong for you. It's ok for a relationship to not work out because you two are incompatible. Don't make the same mistake I made. I married someone who was literally anti-social (not psychotic, just hated socializing) and resented that I had friends and liked to be around people. We had a miserable few years until we realized it was time to let each other go. That way he was free to be him and I was free to be me without any hurt feelings or resentment. Thank you for sharing that. I guess I have some thinking to do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted January 31, 2021 Share Posted January 31, 2021 5 hours ago, ForeverLearning said: I hear you. He’s more so jealous that I’ll meet a guy I like or something. He’s really reclusive so he also doesn’t really understand why I need to have other people to talk to. Why has this been okay for you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ForeverLearning Posted January 31, 2021 Author Share Posted January 31, 2021 10 minutes ago, Hollyj said: Why has this been okay for you? Because he’s apologized and changed for a bit. But then reverts back to normal. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted January 31, 2021 Share Posted January 31, 2021 15 hours ago, ForeverLearning said: Another issues is that when I do go off on my own, he tends to get jealous and limits who I can talk to. Well, that's a real problem. Someone who wants his own alone time is one thing, but there's no way that I'd put up with someone who isolates me and tries to control me. That will never get better, BTW, only worse. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissCanuck Posted January 31, 2021 Share Posted January 31, 2021 5 hours ago, ForeverLearning said: Because he’s apologized and changed for a bit. But then reverts back to normal. Then you have to realize he's not actually going to change forever. This relationship sounds one-sided and pretty miserable. I would not continue this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissCanuck Posted January 31, 2021 Share Posted January 31, 2021 Just now, MissCanuck said: Then you have to realize he's not actually going to change forever. This is his "normal" - controlling, jealous, yet not actually that into you as a person and partner. This relationship sounds one-sided and pretty miserable. I would not continue this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted January 31, 2021 Share Posted January 31, 2021 9 hours ago, ForeverLearning said: Because he’s apologized and changed for a bit. But then reverts back to normal. Unfortunately that's not changing, that's cycling. Sometimes it's better to cut your losses and throw in the towel. Hanging on not only wastes your time, it drags you down mentally and emotionally. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted January 31, 2021 Share Posted January 31, 2021 Clearly, he has shown you who he is, over and over. People DO NOT change. That's on you for staying on the hamster wheel. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gamon Posted February 1, 2021 Share Posted February 1, 2021 On 1/30/2021 at 9:33 PM, ForeverLearning said: Because he’s apologized and changed for a bit. But then reverts back to normal. So then he hasn't changed. A woman marries a guy figuring she can change him. A man marries a woman thinking she'll never change. Both tend to be disappointed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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