Near breakup after 2 years need advice badly

[indian princess]

Hi . Okay so i feel super weird coming to the internet about this but idk what to do . starting off i’m only 18 (female) and my boyfriend is 20. Now i have had relationships before him , just not as serious. We met when i was 16 and we were both in high school, and were basically two years into the relationship. I’m his first girlfriend, his first sexual experience(other than kissing). we both lost our virginity to each other. but i’ve had more sexual and relationship experience than him before we met and he suffered from lack of confidence throughout high school till we met. 

 

Now , i love this man more than i have ever loved anyone outside my family. he is my peace and the way that my family loves him is crazy, he is always over when he’s home and my parents treat him like their son and we have imagined a whole future together . I’m even teaching him my language (hindi) . now here’s where it gets harder ,  He goes to college two hours away which isn’t that bad. his first semester of college i was still in high school senior year and he came back home every other weekend and it was perfect it really worked . But when the pandemic hit and he couldn’t come home as much as much anymore , our small arguments went way deeper and hurt a lot more . he has never raised his voice at me or called me a name or disrespected me. But me , because of what i was used to in my older relationships,  i have said some horrible things and called him names and been really mean to him. which really hurt him because the situation wouldn’t be that big and i would be so rude. 

 

i realized how bad it was getting and since then i’ve been really working on it and i haven’t raised my voice or cursed at him in almost a year. the thing is, we’re had some near breakups like every relationship about 8 months in when the honeymoon stage is over and we would get mad at each other over little things and it was bad . but we recovered easily. but since the pandemic started in march and we couldn’t see each other it got really bad. we couldn’t even celebrate our one year anniversary together .but then when restrictions become loser in may, he came over every other day and his bond with my family became incredible and we were super super happy, but then we’d see ourselves slowly getting into super dumb fights over stuff like being on our phones too much or not texting back on time , etc. but at the end of the day we always patched it up and it might’ve been because we were around each other 24/7. 

 

At the end of summer we parted ways as he went back up to campus and were thinking it would be fine , but because of the virus he wasn’t able to come home every other weekend anymore. so even though i didn’t have a car i ubered and found rides up to see him once a month and stay for one weekend. from august to november we did that and we even got a hotel room for his birthday in november . we’re each other’s safe spot and he makes me the happiest girl in the world no matter how mad i am or what happened he comforts me and i truly think he’s too precious for this world. but unfortunately. when he came home for winter break we saw each other basically every day again for a whole month. it was perfect we saw each other from waking up to midnight and spent so much time with my family and everything. But towards when he was about to go back up to campus something changed. we both started getting mad at the smallest things and had the most draining and dramatic fights no matter how small stuff was . almost broke up again. and the day before he went up to campus we cried to each other about how we need to do better. i felt like that was it and there was no hope because i felt like there was some interest lost and everything he did annoyed me. but he reassured me and made me feel super secure and told me we would be completely fine because he believes in us. we were great we were intimate i felt so happy and felt like everything would be fine.it was a great day and he went to campus the next day. that was 8 days ago. 

 

the next day i got mad because he wouldn’t text me or update me what was going on and he had just promised me we’d do better. then the next day i got even more mad bc he forgot to call me or something and was breaking his small promises . he still kept trying. then i messed up and cursed when he asked me a question i said “what the *** are u talking about” and i know that i really messed up and i hurt him. he was taken aback and just didn’t talk to me that night and he STILL woke up the next morning and sent me a paragraph about how he understands and that he forgives me and we should get on the right track. but i don’t know why i just kept getting mad at little things and i was like “i’m done forget it” just because he didn’t call me the next night. i went to bed leaving him on read after saying that i’m over it and i’m done . the next morning on monday he called me and goes “u know what. fine i’m done too. this is draining and the fighting and everything is too much we’re better off apart.” my heart broke when he said that . and then i begged for him back.  i called him millions of times and gave a million promises and a million reasons and he just kept saying “i can’t do this.” it felt like he was heartless . i begged for four days . every second i kept calling him and kept making him listen and he would give in and be like no i can’t do this please it’s too much. i couldn’t even eat because i felt like i messed up the best thing to ever happen to me.  

 

then on about the third day he was like “please stop begging i honestly am not in the right mindset to be in a relationship right now even though this hurts so bad” and that made me be like what??? and eventually he then gave up to my begging and said fine let’s give it a shot . then i started having a weird gut feeling. i looked on his instagram from my account and saw that he was following this girl who i REMEMBERED he told me last year that she kept dming him and stuff and he had unfollowed her because it made me uncomfortable . i got super confused on why he followed her because he specifically told me he wanted nothing to do with her last year . my heart dropped and i got so worried . because look. this is the MOST LOYAL man i have ever met . he doesn’t follow any girls who aren’t friends , he has me all over his social media , he has never ever given me a reason not to trust him in the two years we have been together because he is beyond loyal. and that’s why i didn’t freak out completely. i called him and said “hey, i see that u followed the girl from last year and i was just wondering if there’s anything u wanted to like let me know” and he got super worked out and freaked out. he told me that he was super frustrated and hurt and done with the relationship so all he did was follow her. he had called his sister the first day he said “we’re done” on monday and told her we broke up and went to her for advice . she then told him the best way to get over me was to talk to someone on campus and she asked if there was anyone he was interested in. he then send that girls profile to her. i fact checked everything and realized he’s telling me the truth. he never even met her in person, ever . never had a conversation with her or dmed her or anything. that’s all that happened . a follow and he shared her profile to his sister. it still really hurt though. he then proceeded to continue to freak out after telling me this and said “look i seriously can’t do this i thought i could but i can’t were better off apart i seriously can’t do anything for you” and i was so surprised because we had slept on the phone last night and i thought we were making progress. i then continued , AGAIN, to beg and cry and plead for him not to break up with me for another 24 hours. then. on thursday night. this is what he said . after monday through thursday all i did was begging. i was starting to lose hope . he calmed down and started explaining his reasoning. he said that all our fights really drained him and hurt him because he tried so hard to keep the peace . he said that “forever is a long time” and when he sees all his friends who are single he wonders how it would be to be single as well and have more experiences . he has never been with any girl other than me and he said he felt like being with other girls and being single in college would help him grow more socially. he told me that every time we fought a lot he’s been thinking for months about how it would feel to be single when things were bad.i was so shocked to hear this because i have asked him MULTIPLE times every time he went back to campus if he wanted to be single because i did not want to get in the way of his college experience and stuff. he always reassured me that all he wanted was to be with me . i was so shocked and hurt but after listening to this reasoning i agreed and said okay well if that’s how u feel then that’s okay i’m tired of begging and i want u to be happy. then when i was about to hang up he said “wait . i don’t know because i feel like ur the best thing to ever come into my life because you bring me happiness and peace and i don’t wanna mess up a once in a lifetime thing for “experience” i told him it was too late and i didn’t want to go back and forth with him anymore. we started talking about or memories and he cried to me and we ended up falling asleep on the phone . the next morning, he blocked that girl he followed from everything , shared his location and told me that “he was so sorry for the hell he put me through” . he explained to me how he realized that all the single people around him want what we have and that were so lucky to have found it so soon. he explained to me that it just took him a couple days to realize what he was losing and how dumb of a decision he was making. we then proceeded to get back together. 

 

since then, he has communicated EXACTLY how he feels and made me feel so loved and reassured and i have stopped myself from getting mad at things like when he doesn’t text back etc. we have gotten so amazing these past couple days and i guess we’re back on track. i even talked to his sister who told him to break up with me because she “saw how hard her little brother was trying to make me happy but nothing ever seemed enough” and it hurt her which is why she told him to break up with me a few times. She even called me mentally ill once when she learned about my history of depression. but i still talked to her and she told me that all she wants is the best for her brother and that she respects our decision. everything has been good, no it’s been GREAT. the way he’s talking to me and reassuring me and calling me and making me laugh and smile. we had a virtual date night two nights in a row and it’s been perfect. but in the back of my mind . i keep feeling humiliated for all the begging i did those four days. i keep telling him about it and he keeps apologizing and doing everything he can to reassure me and make any doubts go away. he explained SO many times how that girl he followed meant nothing to him and that he was just frustrated when  he sent her profile to his sister. he blocked her on everything and explained to me so many times how he was never even attracted to her: 

 

he’s been so good to me and i’ve been a good girlfriend too. i’m not nagging or fighting and i’m being patient. it’s been perfect but it’s also only been three days since it al happened . in the back of my head though, i just keep thinking about how for months he was thinking of possibly being single. i keep thinking about that girl. i just keep thinking maybe i should have let him go. i even addressed these feelings to him and this is what he said . he said that even if i did let him go he would have realized he made a dumb mistake and come back to me a week later . he said that he would’ve begged for me the same and that the love he has for me tops everything else. i wanna believe him i really do, he’s trying so hard for me . he’s so precious and cares so much and tries so hard . but i feel like maybe i should have just let it go. i don’t know . i don’t know if we’ll never be the same again but these past few days have been so good and everytime we laugh and make jokes and watch tv together it feels like we’re back to normal. he texts my parents and we talk like everything is normal. we’re giving it “one last shot” though and i’m beyond scared. what do i do? how do i calm my mind? how do i become better . how do we become better and move on from this.? or should we not move on? i’m sorry if this was a lot and if u need any help understanding something let me know and thank u if u stayed till the end and give any advice . thank you . i love this man so much:(

[boltnrun]

I realize you are only 18 but this is an important lesson to learn:

Do NOT use threats of breaking up to manipulate someone, especially someone you claim to love. Do NOT curse and yell at someone you claim to love. Eventually even the most patient person will get tired of being treated poorly.

I suspect you'll defend your behavior or claim "everyone does it" but everyone does not. If you choose to continue this behavior you cannot cry and claim to be hurt if he gets fed up and leaves you for good.

I hope you have learned from this. 

[SooSad33]

1 hour ago, indian princess said:

he has communicated EXACTLY how he feels and made me feel so loved and reassured and i have stopped myself from getting mad at things like when he doesn’t text back etc. we have gotten so amazing these past couple days and i guess we’re back on track

Yeah.. you do need to start laying off such 'expectations', IMO.  The guy needs some breathing space.. If he goes out, should be okay.. If he hangs with a buddy, should be okay.

You can NOT control him.  But, respect him.  - If this behaviour doesn't ease off, you WILL push him away.

This is why he reacted at you the way he did.  You have NO need to go at him on such small things.

He seems decent.  he seems to really care for you.  YOU need to see this.

Couples need to learn respect, communicate, support and trust each other for it to work.

I wonder if you have worked yourself up way too much- to the point, you are sitting with too much going on your head- due to fears, you pushed him away/ he was ready to walk.

Like you said, you are giving it one last try.. Good.  Now, don't pressure him so much with expectations on call times and text expectations.  That is what will add up to more pressure.

He is away, in College now.  He can get busy & tired.  

You need to be okay with what is.  Give him time to get back to you- w/out you freaking on him- this is when he feels like crap  😞 

 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. You're too overinvested, overinvolved and have each other on way too tight a leash. It sounds suffocating and stifling.

That's why you fight so much. Neither of you can breathe freely like independent adults. Even apart, you text-tether each other like prisoners.

Relationships should not be prisons. Unfortunately you've marked him in you mind as a future husband you now own. 

Are you scheduled for an arranged marriage? Do your parents let you play the field first, or must you marry him now that you were sexually active?

Is he the same culture/caste as you? Will that make a difference if you break up?