Izzy_zigzz Posted January 19, 2021 Share Posted January 19, 2021 I completely hate drugs, it’s not my thing and makes me sick to the gut. However, my boyfriend with whom I’ve been together for 3 years thinks they’re ok. He has tried many drugs, including hardcore ones while we were split for a while. Now we are back together and (what I thought) were happier than ever, and then he tells me “he wants to try shrooms”. I always wanted a healthy lifestyle, healthy future and would never date a guy like him, but I am extremely in love and cannot leave this guy. I also cannot deal with him wanting to try drugs. On the other hand he completely dislikes the thought of an open relationship and I think it’s ok, nothing will change my love towards him, especially not sex with someone else. Over these years I went through a lot of mental suffering and came to be ok with drugs just for him, even smoked pot together but now he tells me that something I would like (an open relationship for a while) is not allowed. Whereas he is going to try shrooms at some point and there’s no discussion over it. As there was also no discussion over him trying drugs. How is that fair? He’s going to do it anyways and if I go ahead for an open relationship without his permission that’s cheating? what do I do? Please help, I feel so weak and worn out, almost suicidal at this point. 😔 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted January 19, 2021 Share Posted January 19, 2021 Unfortunately you two are wholly incompatible. You can not bar him from doing to his body what he wants. What you can do is end it. You can not make him stick around while you have sex with others. What you can do is end it. On/off relationships are all about incompatibility and a tug-of-war trying to change each other. This situation will continue to bring you headaches and heartaches until you find the strength to leave. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluecastle Posted January 19, 2021 Share Posted January 19, 2021 Sorry about all this. I agree with Wiseman that what you're describing is incompatibility, and that you're both likely to find the peace of mind you're looking for in accepting that rather than fighting it, fighting with each other, and coming up with all sorts of passive aggressive transactions that, I'm sorry to say, don't really make much sense. If you want to talk about what is "fair"—well, it's completely fair to want to experiment with drugs, or an open relationship. Unfair would be to expect someone else to do either of those things if they don't want to, or to expect that trying either means the other person now has to try something you're into. I mean, would you be all about tripping on shrooms, or totally cool with him doing it, if you were having sex with a few men that are not him? I highly doubt it, so why even bother tightening this curious knot that's making it hard for both of you to breathe? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Capricorn3 Posted January 20, 2021 Share Posted January 20, 2021 I agree with the above posters. You two are the definition of major incompatible. Totally different pages. This won't work and won't last (imo). End it so that you are both free to find compatible partners. Side note: If you are suicidal then you need to get help. Please look into professional counselling/therapy a.s.a.p. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SooSad33 Posted January 20, 2021 Share Posted January 20, 2021 5 hours ago, Izzy_zigzz said: but I am extremely in love and cannot leave this guy. I also cannot deal with him wanting to try drugs. Yes, you can leave this guy... you said you can NOT deal with him & his drugs. YOU are to the point of feeling suicidal? Come on.. what does this tell you? This is ALL very unhealthy of a relationship 😞 Neither one of you sound to happy with the other and you guys seem so out of the league for the other. Couples who Do flourish, are able to make things work. Work through their differences/ issue's etc. You guys are not able to do this. Things like alcohol & drugs often cause such problems, they break families up. Seriously, look at this as a whole. What GOOD is it doing YOU? Think for yourself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tinydance Posted January 20, 2021 Share Posted January 20, 2021 I think unfortunately the only thing you can do is break up with him for good. He likes to do drugs and you can't stand them. You shouldn't have to be OK with drugs just for him. I mean if you wanted to smoke weed that's fine but you didn't have to do it just for him. He knows how much you don't like drugs but he continues to do them, so I don't think he's going to change. My ex fiance got addicted to drugs and we even had the wedding booked, but I had to end it because his addiction was taking over him. It was definitely hard because I was in love with him too but it was for the best. You can't change people or their beliefs. They actually have to want to change and it doesn't seem like your boyfriend wants to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
1a1a Posted January 20, 2021 Share Posted January 20, 2021 I expect my response to this scenario is heavily influenced by my own values (probably wouldn’t date someone who likes to annihilate their mind on the regular but my impression of shrooms and acid are that those drugs don’t tend to be used to self medicate like a lot of others are, ergo, it wouldn’t bother me if my partner wanted to try them, I actually want to try them myself at some point. Totally down with polyamory and being in polyamorous relationships but can also say from experience that it’s not so important to me that not being able to do so would be a deal breaker, I’ve had long term monogamous relationships since liking the idea of polya ). So, my thought response is that the two are incomparable. One night on shrooms can be done without affecting you at all (in another house, at a time when you aren’t spending time together), opening the relationship can’t be done without affecting him. The comparison would only work if he was asking you to take mushrooms (which would be pretty out of line for him to do and a strong indicator it’s time to break up.) Still, you are feeling this imbalance of investment and that feeling is real. Do you feel like he invests in the relationship In other areas? Do you feel loved? How would you feel if he was the only person you slept with for the rest of your life? (It is very ok for the answer to that to be ‘not good, like I am cutting off a piece of me to fit inside a too small box’. If it is that and he’s firm on his monogamy then that Is a fundamental incompatibility, set this one free and free yourself to meet a polya boy who doesn’t do drugs) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissCanuck Posted January 20, 2021 Share Posted January 20, 2021 You two are completely, fundamentally incompatible. It has nothing to do with being fair. You two cannot shove a square peg into a round hole. It just doesn't work. Your mental health is at serious risk, and for what? This is not going to ever have a happy ending, no matter how much you two try to force it and change each other. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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