Help

[idekanymore]

Ok where do I start, me and Louise were in school together nearly 10 years ago, I dated her friend for a very short period of time, she dated mine. She was really quiet and shy. Now 3 months ago our paths crossed in a supermarket, I found out her social media and we got talking, we became really really close and almost constantly messaging for a few weeks. She told me she liked me back in school, I told her I did like her too, but we never really spoke much at all, just our mates hung out together. After seeing her again years on in the supermarket I knew, I liked her looks and thought I liked her after speaking constantly for weeks that I liked her as a person. After speaking to her for a couple of weeks I thought I wanted to take this further and asked her to start seeing me, she said yes. She studies in university about 2 hours away from me and after the constant messaging and talking for weeks, she told me she had to go back to Uni, without even meeting, I did attempt to meet her a couple times but she said “I’ll see what I’m doing” and “maybe tonight” 

She did warn me she’s very anxious, shy and always “messes things up when meeting a guy”. So I didn’t think much of not seeing her then, especially with COVID around and she’s an essential worker, and thought we could continue talking as usual when she goes back to university. Things got better and better, she told me she likes me, I like her. So silly old me falling to easily and thinking I know this girl from back in school and after speaking to her constantly on social media, asked her if she wanted to start a proper relationship, she said yes. I know we hadn’t met properly but people long distance a lot, with no problems. And I thought well she’s only studying in Uni but does live here, so it won’t be forever. 
 

Now this is where things get messy. So we got talking more and more and eventually took things to talking on the phone daily for hours and hours, we would even fall asleep on the phone together and be on for the phone for 9+ hours pretty much every day. Then she introduced me to her house friend in uni, her name is Shannon and is 2 years younger than Louise. I instantly got bad vibes from Shannon but was civil with her because of Louise. Louise doesn’t really like her and she says and no one really does in the house. Louise would tell me that Shannon has different boys over for sex every night and I just thought that would rub off on Louise, even if she is a couple years older. I know people will live the uni life and have sex with different people. But Louise at this point had assured me she isn’t like that ANYMORE, she was the first year, but she just wants to settle down and “be with me” and that she “just wants me”.
 

So maybe a week or so passed after being introduced to Shannon and me and Louise had been on the phone together most of the day and night, that same night Louise was in the kitchen with Shannon, when Shannon said to me, “2 minutes we’ve just got to mute the phone and talk about girl things.” which I thought was fine again. Then after a while I figured out Shannon had “Boys coming over”. Louise had taken her make up off earlier that night because I remember her telling me. Shannon took the phone from Louise after unmuting the phone then told me “Louise can’t talk right now she’s just putting her make up on” which instantly raised alarm bells. So on the night went and I just tried to forget about it, maybe half an hour to an hour passed when Louise told me “my phones about to die and my chargers broke”. Which really started to get to me, at this point I knew a boy was there because Shannon showed me on Snapchat she was with a guy. Now admittedly I am an over thinker and think the worst of situations, but found this very very strange that the one night the “boys” were coming over her “charger was broke”. So after the call ended, she was still messaging me on Snapchat every now and then, I tried to ring a couple times to test things out and her phone would ring once and go to voicemail, which again I thought if her phone really was dead, would immediately go to voicemail. She claims she has Snapchat on her computer and that’s how she was messaging me, and yes like the crazy overthinker I am, tried to get Snapchat on my computer which did not seem to work at all. She promised me she had no boy around that night only Shannon did. So I believed her and tried to forget about it (still haunts me now).

Maybe a couple of weeks later if I remember rightly, Louise was out all day with her 2 other girl friends who don’t live in the same house as her, for bottomless brunch and drinking. When she got home and we started talking on the phone, she was really pissy and moody with me, I just thought maybe she’s just moody today or something has upset her, I know she was stressed already due to being on placement which she dreaded, but I thought because she’d been out all day drinking with her best friends she’d be in a good mood. I was wrong. After talking that night for a while she said “I’m going to take a shower” because “I’m going back out to see one of the girls” (who she’d been with all day which again of course is fine.) About 20-30 minutes passed and she called back. She was suddenly in the best mood ever, not the same girl I was talking to before “going to see her best friend again”. After returning, told me she has to take a shower, yes again. Which got me thinking. She was drunk, so I’m not sure wether she was just confused and forgot she’d already taken one, or at this point started thinking is she playing with me. The next morning I confronted her about this and she said “only had one shower and I was in a good mood because you made me be in a good mood” even though we were on the phone for a solid hour+ before this shower incident happened and she was really moody. Once again I let things slide.

Maybe a month or so onwards now and I started putting less effort in, not messaging as much, but still multiple times a day, still on the phone daily but no where near as long, she will always message me first now, never the other way around, simply because of what had happened those times and I didn’t want to get hurt. She came home for a couple days, still didn’t see her. Went back to university just to get her hair done in a salon near there. After coming from uni, she sent me pictures of what looked like really big bruises on her legs, said she had “fallen off the bed” anyway maybe a week or two after sending me them we got talking more and more again, at this point she was back home. I hadn’t seen her because her words were “she wasn’t allowed to mix outside her family, because of the virus”. Which was understandable considering the risk she might put herself and family in. Things got a bit sexual, I woke up to a video of her turned around dancing in her pants saying “thought I’d try and cheer you up” and something else. So we had a bit of a sexual conversation that day and “fetishes” we’re brought up. She told me she has a fetish for being BRUISED and other things that aren’t relevant atm. So I said “ahh so that’s how you got them bruises on your leg”. She responded “no I walked into something” which isn’t what she told me originally 🤔 so I confronted her about this too saying “thought you fell off your bed?” She said “yeah I fell off my bed and walked into it”. 

Once again silly me I let it slide, we carried on talking and she was home over the Christmas period for maybe 4-5 weeks. We met once not long before she went back, went for a walk for about half an hour. We seem to really get along when things are going well and we bounce off each other, but then these dodgy things that have happened really really get to me and still do. I’ve openly asked her “please just tell me if you are sleeping around in Uni we can just be friends”. She says she doesn’t want to be just friends and assures me she isn’t shagging anyone and hasn’t for ages.

I really like(d) this girl and was at one point convinced she was the one for me and we had a future together after what she had said to me and what we had spoken about. Since seeing her once, she has returned to uni. I’ve backed off and backed off her. She still hits me up but seems to throw a strop because I’m not messaging her first and that. Also the other day she told me she has “daddy issues” but claims “all girls do and it’s life”
 

I really really do not know what to do, like I said, I do like her (not so much as a person anymore) and at one point before all this started to love her. If anyone has anything to advise would be really appreciated. I could say so much more but these are the things I wanted to get off my chest and don’t want this to drag on and turn into the bible. Thank you. 
 

 

[idekanymore]

And also just thought I’d need to add since meeting, she still wants a relationship with me. It’s just not sure if I feel like she can even be trusted while in Uni.

[lostandhurt]

So exactly how many times have you been on an actual in person date?

How many times have you kissed her?

How many times have you been intimate in person?

Lost

[idekanymore]

6 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

So exactly how many times have you been on an actual in person date?

How many times have you kissed her?

How many times have you been intimate in person?

Lost

Dated once, kissed a few times that one time, not done anything intimate. Unfortunately the time I saw her I was drunk and stinking of beer so she didnt want anything more than quick kisses and I’m not the sort of person who will push for anything intimate, if it happens it happens. Lost? Welcome to my world 😂 just waiting for a reply “run”

[lostandhurt]

Then this isn't really anything than a electronic relationship and she is not truly connected to you.  Long talks are fine after you have made a real life connection but what you have is an imagined relationship, there is nothing real about it.  That may be why you are acting so insecure when she is around other guys.

  My advice is to see this for what it really is.  One date a few kisses and a lot of sharing on the phone.  Can you tell me you really know her?

  Tell her that you like her and would like to see her the next time she is in town but you think it is best to back off on the amount and frequency of contact since you are not a couple and have almost zero dating history.

If you had been serious before she left for Uni that would be one thing, all you are is some guy she knows that lives 2 hours away.

  Keep your options open but don't shut the door on her.  Also you have no room to judge her choices or actions, you are not a couple nor do you owe each other anything.  Be her friend that you might date for real when she returns home, anything else is just an imagined relationship.

 

Lost

[idekanymore]

Lost, I love you mate. Thank you. But also might I add that she found out i was litreally just talking to another girl (as friends) but found out the girl liked me. So got me to block her because, her words, even just “talking” is “cheating”. She’s manipulating me I know it, but I just wonder why? Trust me I knew this wasn’t a proper relationship but she seems to want/think otherwise. 

[boltnrun]

You don't seem to be cut out for a long distance relationship.

Yes, they can work but only after a solid foundation has been set way in advance.  Not after one date and some messages.

[lostandhurt]

She is doing it because she can.  Some people are like that.  Unblock the other girl and talk to her all you want. 

Trying to figure out why someone is doing something is silly because many times they don't even know why they are acting the way they are.

  This as of right now is a waste of your time and keeping you from meeting someone local that is not controlling.  Shift your focus to reality and let her live in her fantasy world.

 Lost 

[idekanymore]

12 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

She is doing it because she can.  Some people are like that.  Unblock the other girl and talk to her all you want. 

Trying to figure out why someone is doing something is silly because many times they don't even know why they are acting the way they are.

  This as of right now is a waste of your time and keeping you from meeting someone local that is not controlling.  Shift your focus to reality and let her live in her fantasy world.

 Lost 

 

22 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

You don't seem to be cut out for a long distance relationship.

Yes, they can work but only after a solid foundation has been set way in advance.  Not after one date and some messages.

Thank you so much guys, appreciate it more than you know. I’ve just told her now I want to just be friends and go back to how we were when we first started talking and then if it’s meant to be, it’ll be. Guarentee I get a bad reaction from her now but I’m honestly past caring onto other girls it is. Thanks again and hope you and your families are well during these awful times ✌🏼

[Tinydance]

Well I personally think you did the right thing. Mainly because if you can't actually be in an in person relationship with Louise then what is the point? If you want a girlfriend I think you'd be wasting your time on Louise. She's telling you not to speak to any other women and because of that you have no chance of meeting anyone else, or even having female friends. You're investing a huge amount of time into Louise and you have no idea if this will even work out.

As you said, she didn't seem to be honest with you about the whole Snapchat thing and something seemed to be off. It's one thing if she said you two aren't in a relationship and you can date other people too. In that case you would be allowed to see other people and so would she. But if she's telling you to block any other women, yet she gets to meet other guys, that's very double standard. And the fact that she's far away and you're never together in person just causes you to feel more paranoid. 

[idekanymore]

1 hour ago, Tinydance said:

Well I personally think you did the right thing. Mainly because if you can't actually be in an in person relationship with Louise then what is the point? If you want a girlfriend I think you'd be wasting your time on Louise. She's telling you not to speak to any other women and because of that you have no chance of meeting anyone else, or even having female friends. You're investing a huge amount of time into Louise and you have no idea if this will even work out.

As you said, she didn't seem to be honest with you about the whole Snapchat thing and something seemed to be off. It's one thing if she said you two aren't in a relationship and you can date other people too. In that case you would be allowed to see other people and so would she. But if she's telling you to block any other women, yet she gets to meet other guys, that's very double standard. And the fact that she's far away and you're never together in person just causes you to feel more paranoid. 

Thank you so much really means a lot honestly. 

[catfeeder]

Speaking only for myself, I'd consider anyone who wanted exclusivity from long distance after one meeting to have a screw loose.

Not a shot!

[SooSad33]

IMO, she is too shady.. and YOU do not trust her.

Plus you guys don't seem to be getting off the ground at all, for this relation to work.

You now don't feel so hopeful.  As for 'love' it is not that (getting to know her for a few mos.. it's lust'.

Love takes time.. it grows/ flourishes, with deep, true feelings. ( I doubt you can feel real love for someone you've only been talking to- only to have it start going sour- nothing really got going.. right?).

Instead of continuing to ruin yourself over what this gal is doing, just be honest.. say you are questioning too much & just don't feel right/comfortable about it all, and is too complicated with the distance.. and move on.