Weight gain and my relationship

[lunamoon]

10 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

 

1 hour ago, lunamoon said:

Yes, it’s so hurtful.  He does want me to be mentally healthy but also thin.  He says he isn’t proud of it but that’s just the way he feels 

Can I ask how long you've been together and how old you both are? 

I ask because I'm trying to understand this dynamic, or nudge things back to a question you haven't directly answered—namely, do you think this relationship might be contributing to very mental health issues you're now dealing with? 

 

I am 32 and he is 38, we have been together 3 years.  
I don’t know that I would say he is contributing to the mental health issues but not necessarily helping them either.  I think if I was with a more supportive partner I would have gotten better faster but I know that’s not really fair for me to say...My mental health is my responsibility.  
Prior to this, yes, I did feel pressure to please him.  He can be very judgmental and I didn’t want to disappoint him.  I know that sounds bad but I think we all want to seek approval from our partners...right? 

[lunamoon]

21 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

He "sticks around" as long as you remain model thin.  Once you're just a bit overweight (25 pounds!!!) he calls you "obese" and stops having sex with you.

Does that sound like true love to you?

I know, it’s not right.  But I do believe he loves me.  Aside from this we get along really well 

[maritalbliss86]

13 minutes ago, lunamoon said:

I know, it’s not right.  But I do believe he loves me.  Aside from this we get along really well 

I think that the hard thing is looking forward.

Ok... so what if you DO lose the weight and he becomes nice again and you're able to have sex again.

What if something else happens in life that seriously depresses you and you start to struggle with weight again?  Life is full of ups and downs, and you want a real man who is able to handle those well.  You want a man who will be able to handle supporting you when you are going through something hard.

What if you marry him, and have a hard time losing the baby weight for a year or two years?

Eventually... this dynamic you both have together isn't sustainable long-term because you're going to be building up resentment as you see he's never, "there," for you during the times you really and truly need him to be there.

It may make you angry and resentful and want better treatment (from a different partner).  It may even tempt you to cheat on this guy (if you stay and constantly see he doesn't support you when you need him the most).

Long-term is what you need to see here.

[bluecastle]

1 minute ago, lunamoon said:

I know that sounds bad but I think we all want to seek approval from our partners...right? 

I would replace the word seek above with feel. As in: we all want to feel accepted by our partners, rather than auditioning for their acceptance.  Something I'd really spend some time reflecting on here, in your shoes. 

2 minutes ago, lunamoon said:

I think if I was with a more supportive partner I would have gotten better faster but I know that’s not really fair for me to say...My mental health is my responsibility.  

I personally think this is a very fair thing to say. Generally speaking, people tend to thrive most, and feel mentally healthiest, when they are in environments where they feel supported—be it where they work, where they live, and, especially, who they are committed to. So sometimes taking responsibility of our mental health means assessing our environment, and removing the stimuli that brings us down. 

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, lunamoon said:

I am 32 and he is 38, we have been together 3 years.  
I don’t know that I would say he is contributing to the mental health issues but not necessarily helping them either.  I think if I was with a more supportive partner I would have gotten better faster but I know that’s not really fair for me to say...My mental health is my responsibility.  
Prior to this, yes, I did feel pressure to please him.  He can be very judgmental and I didn’t want to disappoint him.  I know that sounds bad but I think we all want to seek approval from our partners...right? 

I have a hard time believing that someone with mental health issues would thrive with a partner who calls them obese and who refuses to have sex with them just because they gained some weight.

And, other than calling you names and refusing to have sex with you, and you feeling like you need to seek his approval, you two get along great??

Imagine if he didn't do those things.  Now, imagine a man who never did those things to begin with.

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, lunamoon said:

Does it make you less attracted to him? 

I mean once in awhile I notice it and it’s not a “turn on “ but it’s irrelevant. Meaning. I signed up to be committed to him, to be his wife.  Attraction ebbs and flows - it’s expected.  For many reasons including perhaps a spouse’s weight gain or some other similar change.  I don’t care.  Meaning - big deal it’s not particularly attractive.  Neither is my post covid hair right now I’m sure.  I would never ever mention his weight to him in any context.  Why? He knows he gained some weight. He doesn’t have to hear if from me or anyone.  My love and commitment and care for him far overshadow any such physical change. 

By contrast- let’s say hypothetically he stopped showering or brushing his teeth.  Totally hypothetical.  Then I’d be comfortable telling him that I didn’t want to be around him because he wasn’t keeping himself clean.  I’d also want to know if course why. But if he simply didn’t care that would affect my attraction to him because I’d be turned off by his attitude.  Just like if he stopped caring about keeping healthy and gained 100 pounds the issue wouldn’t be the weight gain but the reason why. And if he simply didn’t care about what he put in his body and didn’t care about increasing his risk of various illnesses I’d be turned off by that attitude.  But I’ve known him forever and he is reasonable about trying to stay fit and healthy. We both care.  It’s one reason we’re together. 
if your boyfriend insists that he can’t be romantically interested in someone who is not thin that’s valuable information. If you get pregnant you will gain weight and it will take some time to lose it.  Many women gain some weight after menopause (I’m blessed with good genetics so I did not ) - it’s normal. Let him be with someone who is very focused on staying very thin.  I’ve  always been slim or thin except when I was pregnant and I declined to date men who were too focused on being a certain level of thin or fit or who wanted that in a partner. Too much pressure. 
 

 

[boltnrun]

My ex and I aren't together anymore and he wasn't a good person, but when I had abdominal surgery that resulted in a 6 inch vertical scar that is about a 1/4" wide, instead of being turned off he went down and kissed my stomach and instructed the scar to not hurt me.  He had sex with me while I still had bandages on my stomach!

He did plenty of other things that were bad but that right there showed caring.  

And for the record, his best friend told him (right in front of me!) that he should break up with me.  His friend said no way would HE ever be able to be with someone who had a scar as bad as mine.  My ex didn't follow that advice.

[Snny]

I’m on the same bandwagon of dumping your guy. You don’t need anymore toxicity. Unless he has your BMI measurements and is your nutritionist or doctor, he has no business calling you fat. He can F off.

Out of curiosity what is your height? I would kill to be 145 lbs.
 

Losing weight takes a lot of factors and work. Focus on what you can control: watching what you eat and exercise. It took me 3 and a half months when I first started WITH a personal trainer to lose 8 lbs and that was because I was building muscle from weight training and it caused me to eat more. It takes your body awhile to adjust to the new physical demand. My trainer is also a nutritionist and we calculated my Macros which helped tremendously. If you are terribly concern, I strongly suggest looking into a nutritionist or your doctor to help you calculate your macros (carb, fat, and protein intake). Do not give up on working out.

 

[lunamoon]

30 minutes ago, Snny said:

Out of curiosity what is your height? I would kill to be 145 lbs

Thank you for the encouragement.  I am 5’5.
He is an optometrist.  

[boltnrun]

Here's info from a BMI calculator I found online.  Sorry, I made you a year older.  You are not "obese".  You aren't even considered overweight.  He is wrong about you and is being a mean bully.  Someone who loves you will not treat you this way.

[SherrySher]

145 and he calls you "obese"?!? How is anyone that is 145 lbs obese, unless they are like 3 feet tall!

That's nuts. 145 is normally a very healthy weight.

[catfeeder]

My heart goes out to you. You don't need to do what we say. I just hope you'll question why you'd want to stay with man who is only capable of loving your skeleton.

I wonder how well you might be able to reduce your meds if you decide to give the BF a heave-ho?

Even just flirting with the idea might give you the confidence to tell BF that you adore him, but his personality is obese, and unless he loses his bully-weight, you won't be attracted to him, either.

[lunamoon]

58 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Here's info from a BMI calculator I found online.  Sorry, I made you a year older.  You are not "obese".  You aren't even considered overweight.  He is wrong about you and is being a mean bully.  Someone who loves you will not treat you this way.

Thank you, I appreciate it.  

[redswim30]

OP, please DUMP HIM!  DUMP HIM NOW!  I'm serious.  

You are NOT in ANY way overweight and I HATE that he's even made you THINK that you are!!!!

I had relatives that died last year and when I was sitting over death beds, NOT ONE person was thinking about how much they WEIGHED.  It's an extreme example, but you take my meaning.  What matters is the person and those who love you don't care one JOT. 

Let me tell you another story.  During my first marriage, we met young when I was "model thin" and a size 0.  When we got a little older, I was a size 1 and he said he wasn't as attracted to me anymore.  I knew then that he didn't really love me, because I was more than just a SIZE. We got divorced. 

I am happily remarried and I weigh more than I ever have. Weight changes as you age.  Take it from a lady of a certain age.  I too, used to be "model thin" but hormones and metabolism change. I'm also the healthiest I've ever been and the HAPPIEST I've ever been.  My husband does not care if I'm a size 2 or 16.  He loves ME.  

I'm sorry, but this man does not love you.  Especially if you are HEALTHIER now.  Someone who loves you would care FAR more about that.  And again, 145 is VERY normal and HEALTHY weight.  And come ON, do not let him off the hook with " He feels bad about it, though" as if that makes him a BETTER person? 

What if you had cancer and lost your hair?  What if you got in an accident and became disabled?  And he never wanted to have sex with you, but "felt bad".  He doesn't deserve a kindness medal for " feeling bad", because he is making YOU feel bad, unattractive and unlovable for caring about your HEALTH.  

Please PLEASE DUMP HIM!  He's not a good person.  Please do not even CONSIDER marrying him.  Take it from someone who has been there. Your body is GOING to change over the years.  Looks FADE.  If he doesn't care enough about the person inside, that says it all. 

FYI, TONS of men would be excited to date you and NOT consider you FAT in ANY way, shape or form.  Don't NOT believe this jerk's lies. 

 

 

[lunamoon]

1 hour ago, redswim30 said:

During my first marriage, we met young when I was "model thin" and a size 0.  When we got a little older, I was a size 1 and he said he wasn't as attracted to me anymore.  I knew then that he didn't really love me, because I was more than just a SIZE. We got divorced. 

Thank you for your advice and examples from your previous experience.  Aside from this issue we get along really well, I almost wish we had other issues and I could say we don’t get along and I could move on from this.  But we don’t.  We have so much fun together.  So I stay.  

[Batya33]

Just now, lunamoon said:

Thank you for your advice and examples from your previous experience.  Aside from this issue we get along really well, I almost wish we had other issues and I could say we don’t get along and I could move on from this.  But we don’t.  We have so much fun together.  So I stay.  

What if you heaven forbid had to take steroids (sometimes this may be for cancer I think or some other diseases??) and you gain weight from that. Will it be fun then to be on those strong meds and have to worry about weight gain and his reaction?

[bluecastle]

6 minutes ago, lunamoon said:

Aside from this issue we get along really well

When you say "this issue" are you referring to his present attitude about your weight? Or are you referring to him not taking your journey to mental stability seriously? Or his propensity for unkind, judgmental language when he's not getting his way? Or that you feel approval from him is not a given?

I put it like that just to encourage you to be honest about what "this issue" is. 

 

[Pink20]

On 1/11/2021 at 1:06 AM, lunamoon said:

I have had some recent trauma in my life that caused some serious issues with my mental health.  I’ve been put on antidepressants and in 3 months I managed to gain 25 pounds.  I went from model thin to 145 lbs.  I’ve tried different weight loss efforts over the last few months but have only managed to drop about 5 lbs of the weight.  My boyfriend says I am obese and we haven’t had sex in months.  I don’t know what to do.  I’m trying my hardest but can’t seem to lose the weight.  I don’t know if this is ok or not, advice please.

I can relate to this i was in a relationship for 4 years and put on so much weight where he did call me names.

See if you can be proscribed other antidepressants. If what he is saying is hurting you  then tell him he is entitled to  his own thoughts bit for him to keep it to himself because its upsetting you tell him you are trying.

I ended the relationship went from 95kg to 70kg but i am 5ft 10. I did it by eating healthy and doing intermediate fasting.   

[boltnrun]

If you're determined to stay with a man who calls you obese even though you are not, who refuses to have sex with you and from whom you feel you need to "seek approval" then I guess I'm not sure what the problem is. 

[reinventmyself]

21 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I have a hard time believing that someone with mental health issues would thrive with a partner who calls them obese and who refuses to have sex with them just because they gained some weight.

And, other than calling you names and refusing to have sex with you, and you feeling like you need to seek his approval, you two get along great??

Imagine if he didn't do those things.  Now, imagine a man who never did those things to begin with.

I caught this ^^  You go back and forth and say that other than this single issue everything else is really good between you.  In another sentence you mention that he is (overall) very judgmental and at times you feel you need to work harder to please him.

I can't help but wonder if he contributes to your need for antidepressants.  It creates this vicious cycle.

Life is challenging.  What happens if you become seriously ill, unemployed or some other life challenge. Is he going to be supportive and kind about these things and it's only the weight he's not kind about?   It usually doesn't work that way.  People tend to have a little more global personality traits, especially in regards to the level of empathy they have.

[Snny]

18 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Here's info from a BMI calculator I found online.  Sorry, I made you a year older.  You are not "obese".  You aren't even considered overweight.  He is wrong about you and is being a mean bully.  Someone who loves you will not treat you this way.

One thing to be aware: online BMI calculators are very inaccurate. They don’t consider muscle mass in. My trainer is the same height as me and has high muscle definition in her body. She works out and boxes, but some BMI readings say she is overweight. Get a real reading from a doctor/nutritionist with better tools.

[boltnrun]

38 minutes ago, Snny said:

One thing to be aware: online BMI calculators are very inaccurate. They don’t consider muscle mass in. My trainer is the same height as me and has high muscle definition in her body. She works out and boxes, but some BMI readings say she is overweight. Get a real reading from a doctor/nutritionist with better tools.

She still is not obese.  Regardless of what "tools" are used.

[lostandhurt]

Getting along really well usually isn't equated to not having sex in months because you put on a few pounds.  Do you plan on marrying this guy?  Having children?

He sounds like he likes his trophy girlfriend to look a certain way and if you don't he doesn't want you.  Does that sound like love?  What if you were scarred in an accident?  Loving someone is more than finding them attractive for most people. 

  So you weighed 120 and would like to get back to close to that weight.  My question is for who are you doing it?  For yourself or him?   Will you get breast augmentation for him as well?  I guess our question is how much does he really love you?

  So back to the weight gain issue.  Obviously a doctor prescribed the meds so the first stop is there. Make an appointment and see if there is an altrnative.  Then do some research to see if there are other ways to improve your mental health without meds.  Ideally that is what you want anyways right?  To be good without pills?  

PS  I would bet my entire retirement account that there are thousands of guys in your area that would jump at a chance with you.  Don't let his snide remarks cause you to be insecure about your body, if he doesn't like it he can hit the road.

 Lost   

 

[lunamoon]

4 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

Do you plan on marrying this guy?  Having children?

Maybe marriage but neither of us want kids.  
 

I have been on several different meds but the ones I’m on now are the ones that work.  I do eventually want to get off the meds.  I am currently in therapy to develop better coping skills and work through my trauma.  There was one other time in my life that I had to go one medication and I gained a lot of weight then too.  My ex husband made me feel terrible about it so I came off the meds before I was ready.  I did drop the weight but felt terrible so this time I’m going to take my time. 

[boltnrun]

You have a pattern of getting involved with superficial men.

Do you feel like your looks are the only way you have to attract men?