Anne32 Posted January 4, 2021 Share Posted January 4, 2021 I'm currently in a marriage of 9 years with a 2.5 yo son and have been having a consistent problem with how he and I treat each other. We fight over the smallest of things and it's been dissolving into an attack on personal character instead of ever addressing the original issue. Specifically, my husband will tell me that he's "not the bad guy" but then insist that the argument is "100%" my fault and that I am in fact "the bad guy." This type of fight usually ends with between 30min-1.5hr of lecturing as to what my flaws are. 30 minutes if I do not speak and do not cry loudly, longer if I disagree. The fights always end the same way as well. Eventually I'll take full responsibility and promise to change myself in whatever way he wants. When I do, he will tell me something along the line of that I'm just a selfish person who is only trying to manipulate him into not leaving. Everyone in my life outside of work is directly connected to him, so I decided to try to find a women's support group. He told me that talking to them was "kind of like cheating" and I keep getting the impression that he wants me to be isolated from others due to some fear in him that I will leave. He keeps making these comments about me leaving him, finding a "beta male" that I can walk all over but being just as miserable because I won't admit that it's my fault. He got me a book on emotional control with a strong Christian backing. I am Christian, thus do not view ending the relationship as an option, though I will admit temptation. I believe there are things I can improve on. Most notably, I crave a resolution to a fight so will reiterate a particular point in our argument hoping for an acknowledgement. I will ask him too often if he thinks I'm "all bad" or ask "is there anything good about me" which is not responded to very well by my husband. I just don't know what to do. I know that I need for some amount of approval from him to be happy in my marriage but feel completely suffocated by the constant stream of negativity. It's like I can't become a better person so long as I am constantly reminded of how horrible a person that I've become. Is there any one who has any advice on how to get him to lighten up a little with his criticisms? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaHermes Posted January 4, 2021 Share Posted January 4, 2021 27 minutes ago, Anne32 said: Is there any one who has any advice on how to get him to lighten up a little with his criticisms? I'll make it brief and helpful, Anne. (and I won't ask how you came to marry this individual). Get away from this manipulative crazy bully. He is driving you into the ground. Don't buckle under his nasty bullying. How dare he give you a book (Christian or otherwise, though I am at a loss to understand the adjective Christian in this context)! You need and deserve a kind, supportive, caring and loving spouse, not this horror. 33 minutes ago, Anne32 said: so I decided to try to find a women's support group. He told me that talking to them was "kind of like cheating" and I keep getting the impression that he wants me to be isolated from others due to some fear in him that I will leave. Just saying this shows how insane he is. Keep getting all the support you can from outside agencies, and support groups. You are going to need it. Can you even imagine what the rest of your life would be like in what I see as a living hell. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reinventmyself Posted January 4, 2021 Share Posted January 4, 2021 I dated someone who didn't want me talking to others about our relationship troubles. I told him "then don't give me anything to talk about" Personally, my current boyfriend is free to confide in whoever he chooses. I don't do or say things I regret. I am sorry you are in this situation. I will suggest marriage counseling, but from what you've share I suspect you'll get some push back. Keep the appointment and go yourself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluecastle Posted January 4, 2021 Share Posted January 4, 2021 Tough situation. Sorry to hear about it. I admit it's hard to read what you've written, along with the statement that ending the relationship is not an option, and know how to give good advice. I don't say that because I'm convinced the only right path here is to end things, but simply because I don't believe relationships or people thrive or stabilize when they're listening to rules in a way that minimizes their agency and makes listening to themselves a challenge. Hard to live in reality, in short, when you're buried under the weight of expectations of it. That preface out of the way... It seems that your husband is a deeply insecure man with little self-confidence, and no sincere respect for himself. When he looks in the mirror, he sees a man that you (or, really, anyone) would be more prone to leaving than to stay with. He sees "bad" more than "good," is motivated by fear far more than he is love, curiosity, grace. Sadly, like a playground bully, he shows you all this about himself by weaponizing all that self-loathing and directing it toward you. No, I highly doubt there is a way to "get" him to lighten up, since we can't really change how other people behave. But we can change how we react to others, and sometimes that can shift the tide, a bit. So, on that note, I'd encourage you to think of these moments less personally and more as him gracelessly revealing his most insecure self to you. It's not about you, in short, so don't treat it that way. Aside from offering you greater peace of mind, you may find that he becomes less irritable, since firing off weapons is only satisfying if you feel you're hitting a target. Or maybe making it clearer: you have to treat him more how you would treat a petulant child. "Mom, I hate you!" "Mom, you're the worst!" "Mom, you don't get me!" Your son is young now, but those statements are on the horizon. When they come? You'll be the mature adult, understanding your son isn't expressing a truth about you, or something you need to change, but just emotional pain and vulnerability within, no different than you now do when your toddler goes into tantrum mode. You meet rage with grace, the fumes burn off, and things "lighten up" rather than continue to darken. To be clear, I don't think adult relationships should function only when one adult views the other as a child, and wouldn't personally commit to any relationship dynamic that required me to play that role. But you say ending it isn't an option, and what you've learned thus far is that nothing really comes from you bending and promising to change. In that moment you're just rewarding his insecurities, hence his response is only to become more paranoid, more insecure. You can choose to stop doing that, and see if and how it affects this cycle between you two. It's great that you've found a support group. Stay on that path, to avoid the isolation. How he feels about all that is for him to figure out, and if he's so hellbent on testing his theory that you'll leave him—well, I'd say that if it came to that, he'd really have only one person to blame, and that's the person he sees when he looks in the mirror. I second reinvent's advice about suggesting marital counseling, and going down that route solo even if he resists. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaHermes Posted January 4, 2021 Share Posted January 4, 2021 1 hour ago, Anne32 said: I am constantly reminded of how horrible a person that I've become. There is nothing remotely normal about this dynamic. And I would wager good money that he will blow a gasket if you mention marriage counselling. Geeze he already said that just talking to the women's support group was "kinda like cheating". I assume you are still in touch with the support group, despite his threats? Yes? My considered advice is don't waste good money on going to marriage counselling by yourself. Spend the money on a good lawyer. And btw martyrdom went out centuries ago, and life is short. I am not going to lecture here on what being a Christian means, but he isn't it. Best of luck Anne. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted January 4, 2021 Share Posted January 4, 2021 Clearly you are in an abusive relationship. This will not change, but get worse. You are doing irreparable damage to your child by exposing him to this environment. No where in the bible does it encourage you to stay in an abusive marriage. Get out for the sake of your child! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reinventmyself Posted January 4, 2021 Share Posted January 4, 2021 11 minutes ago, LaHermes said: There is nothing remotely normal about this dynamic. And I would wager good money that he will blow a gasket if you mention marriage counselling. Geeze he already said that just talking to the women's support group was "kinda like cheating". I assume you are still in touch with the support group, despite his threats? Yes? My considered advice is don't waste good money on going to marriage counselling by yourself. Spend the money on a good lawyer. And btw martyrdom went out centuries ago, and life is short. I am not going to lecture here on what being a Christian means, but he isn't it. Best of luck Anne. It's ok if he flips out on the idea of counseling. I would expect it. At the same time it would make his agenda even more transparent. You can't control his reaction. At least you will walk away with your head high, knowing you tried everything first, before you walked away. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted January 4, 2021 Share Posted January 4, 2021 2 hours ago, Anne32 said: I'm currently in a marriage of 9 years with a 2.5 yo son and have been having a consistent problem with how he and I treat each other. We fight over the smallest of things and it's been dissolving into an attack on personal character instead of ever addressing the original issue. Sorry to hear this. When did it get this bad? Confide in your own family, friends and a therapist. Do not tell him what you talk about with them. Insist a on marriage counseling. Stop seeking approval. You seem too emotionally dependent on his opinion of you. You need your own opinion of yourself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaHermes Posted January 4, 2021 Share Posted January 4, 2021 2 hours ago, Anne32 said: Everyone in my life outside of work is directly connected to him, If this is the case, Anne, confide in no one, except a therapist. From what you say it is likely he'd find out who you are seeing (therapist) and even the name of the therapist. And you need to unshackle yourself from this particular ball and chain. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smackie9 Posted January 4, 2021 Share Posted January 4, 2021 Christian or not, look at the enviroment you have your child in. Your child will only learn that men are here to be manipulated by, to belittle women and make them have no value or self worth. That is what you are teaching your child. He's all about control, stopping you from getting out from under his thumb. As it is written, God helps those who help themselves. Get the hell out. Save yourself and your child from the mental abuse/gaslighting/manipulation. Just want to add, I myself was in an abusive relationship for 2 years...there is no fixing it, the only way is to get out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaHermes Posted January 4, 2021 Share Posted January 4, 2021 1 minute ago, smackie9 said: Your child will only learn that men are here to be manipulated by, to belittle women and make them have no value or self worth. Yes, Smackie! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SooSad33 Posted January 4, 2021 Share Posted January 4, 2021 2 hours ago, Anne32 said: We fight over the smallest of things and it's been dissolving into an attack on personal character instead of ever addressing the original issue. Specifically, my husband will tell me that he's "not the bad guy" but then insist that the argument is "100%" my fault and that I am in fact "the bad guy." This type of fight usually ends with between 30min-1.5hr of lecturing as to what my flaws are. 30 minutes if I do not speak and do not cry loudly, longer if I disagree Wow :/.. so sorry you are experiencing this :(. It's awful & demeaning on one's character to be treated like this! For your own mental health you NEED to get out of this controlling, manipulating behaviour- right? I have found an article for you to check out- see if this describes him. I've met up with a few in my time and learned to get away, avoid & not play their head games. https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/love-in-the-age-narcissism/202011/micromanipulations-narcissists-method-control Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted January 4, 2021 Share Posted January 4, 2021 You can't "get him to lighten up". See, he LIKES abusing and bullying you. Yes, he does! You cower, cry, promise to "be better", I bet you beg and declare your unending love. What's not for him to like? Problem is, you're allowing him to damage the little life you've been placed in charge of. It is child abuse for a man to abuse their mother. Don't divorce him then, if you're bound and determined not to. Instead, go on an extended "visit" at your parents' home or a sibling's home. Tell him you need time away so he can decide what he wants; to continue bullying you or to go to counseling so he can learn to be a decent husband and a decent human being. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaHermes Posted January 4, 2021 Share Posted January 4, 2021 OP. Read this. Do you want to continue as this poor woman did until she was 73? https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-birmingham-55403234 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted January 7, 2021 Share Posted January 7, 2021 Given all of this, your focused on how to minimize his abuse rather than to extricate yourself from it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted January 7, 2021 Share Posted January 7, 2021 On 1/4/2021 at 1:31 PM, Anne32 said: I'm currently in a marriage of 9 years with a 2.5 yo son and have been having a consistent problem with how he and I treat each other. We fight over the smallest of things and it's been dissolving into an attack on personal character instead of ever addressing the original issue. Specifically, my husband will tell me that he's "not the bad guy" but then insist that the argument is "100%" my fault and that I am in fact "the bad guy." This type of fight usually ends with between 30min-1.5hr of lecturing as to what my flaws are. 30 minutes if I do not speak and do not cry loudly, longer if I disagree. The fights always end the same way as well. Eventually I'll take full responsibility and promise to change myself in whatever way he wants. When I do, he will tell me something along the line of that I'm just a selfish person who is only trying to manipulate him into not leaving. Everyone in my life outside of work is directly connected to him, so I decided to try to find a women's support group. He told me that talking to them was "kind of like cheating" and I keep getting the impression that he wants me to be isolated from others due to some fear in him that I will leave. He keeps making these comments about me leaving him, finding a "beta male" that I can walk all over but being just as miserable because I won't admit that it's my fault. He got me a book on emotional control with a strong Christian backing. I am Christian, thus do not view ending the relationship as an option, though I will admit temptation. I believe there are things I can improve on. Most notably, I crave a resolution to a fight so will reiterate a particular point in our argument hoping for an acknowledgement. I will ask him too often if he thinks I'm "all bad" or ask "is there anything good about me" which is not responded to very well by my husband. I just don't know what to do. I know that I need for some amount of approval from him to be happy in my marriage but feel completely suffocated by the constant stream of negativity. It's like I can't become a better person so long as I am constantly reminded of how horrible a person that I've become. Is there any one who has any advice on how to get him to lighten up a little with his criticisms? Honestly, he bought you that book because he wants you to believe its about YOU - that you are the controlling one. Read that book again, but picture HIM as the controlling one. Books from a Christian perspective if they are worth their salt NEVER tell you to stay with an abuser. While divorce is not advice that is dished out, there is a difference between immediately divorcing and creating some space or seeking help. Some books also assume that other parts of the marriage are healthy and BOTH parties -- even the one doing the controlling or the passive aggressiveness or whatever WANTS to stay in and improve the marriage but needs some honest truth and is willing to see themselves in it. This may not be your case! Stop asking if you are bad. Stop rolling over. Can you take your child to your parent's house for a visit? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Capricorn3 Posted January 7, 2021 Share Posted January 7, 2021 I'm sorry, but being a Christian does not mean you have to put up with abuse. Rather, I would say, it should mean that you, as a Christian mother, should do everything in your power to remove yourself and your child from this extremely toxic and abusive situation. Doing nothing is, in itself, abusive to your child (imo). It's bad enough that you allow thus abusive jerk to treat you so badly, but it's even worse that your child is being raised in an extremely toxic and dysfunctional environment. It's absolutely heart breaking knowing that your little one is witness to this abuse and is already starting to learn that this is "normal" behaviour. Your child does NOT deserve this. You need to put him first. Please, for the love of ... do the right thing for your child. Get out. The sooner the better. Continue with the women's support group and seek help. Make an appointment with a divorce lawyer. You owe it to your child, if not yourself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted January 7, 2021 Share Posted January 7, 2021 Anne, where are you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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