Getting back out there - O.L.D.

[Coldarmy13]

So after 2.5 year relationship ended awhile back (it needed to). I was able to recover much faster than some other times before that. It wasn’t messy and the ex decided she wanted to move out of state. I even helped her pack up her truck and we were very cordial toward the end. We lived together for a little over a year, so with that arrangement, it took her about a month to plan and move t of state to be lost to her parents. LSS she suggested we break up on a Monday, then on that Thursday she lied about where she was going and days after I heard from a mutual friend she was out in a bar with a bar dancing and making out. In my mind, she was minimally emotionally cheating before suggesting we go out separate ways only 3 days before. Unless she just drew his name out of a hat.

Flash forward about a month and I got an out of the blue match on my dormant OKC account. I was hurt and mad so I reactivated it not long after the break, but couldn’t find much of any motivation to actually search/contact anyone. This match seemed pretty nice and I reached out. Exchanged a couple pleasantries and I suggested a date. Radio silence. No big deal, I remember how common that was in OLD so I let it go for about 2.5 weeks. At that point, I was out with friends at a pub and I brought up the same thread with this woman and I sent another message. “So, no?”. To my surprise an hour later she responded and apologized saying she had a lot going on, including a funeral and just missed the message or forgot to get back to it, I don’t remember.  I worries either way I suggested a meet up/date and she agreed and we set the date. We lived about 25 minutes apart and she drove down near me and we met and talked over beers for about 5 hours. Was really quite amazing and I had a great time. We parted with a quick peck on the lips that I initiated and exchanged texts when she got home saying we had great times and should do it again soon. Two days later I reached out again asking about another date on which she agreed and off we went.

We continued seeing each other over the next 2.5 months, and it was really as happy as I’ve been with someone in a long time. We really saw each other every 4 days at least. Sharing who drove back and forth. Pandemic really limited what we could go out and do but we made it fun whether we went out or stayed in. Flash forward to the end: with NYE plans made and two days after we had for the first time met each other’s families on Xmas eve and day.. she suggested we should be friends. I was in shock and did my best to hold it together on the phone. She thought we were just two different kinds of people and that, in the long run, that would magnify and cause issues. I respectfully disagreed with her, as I thought we were still very much getting to know each other so soon and not given a ton of opportunity to go out and experience long weekends and activities together. She loved snowmobiling and going on long weekends up north (Michigan term). I can be a bit of a homebody sometimes and lack anything up there so I hadn’t experienced anything like that. I still showed interest (or so I thought) I’m doing these types of things for the first time, as I felt really alive around her and was totally up for trying new things together. My explanations didn’t sway her. She apologized a couple of times. She told me how really happy she was that she met me. Thanked me for all the nice thing I said and did for her. Wished me a happy New Years and wished me “all the best because I deserve it”. She also said she wanted to make sure I’d be okay. I thanked her and told her I would be okay eventually and that I’d really miss her very much. Wished her a good NY and a good evening and we said goodbye for the last time.

That stung way more than I thought it would, but showed me that there are good women still out there. I thought we were going someplace promising, but it wasn’t meant to be. I truly am in a place now since that ended that I want something very meaningful and long term that could light that fire inside of me again. It will be very difficult to find someone with her qualities I saw in her (Beautiful, hilarious, had her life together, no children, sexy, no ex drama, nice family), and in my mid thirties now(36), I know that narrows the pool down quite a ways. I feel like it is worth a real try though. 

I still have that OKC, I have a Bumble and Tinder. All free accounts that I don’t put much stock into. Rare to get any matches whatsoever, which made my last ex such a find (or so I thought). I was considering a paid account for the first time. Anyone have any success with any particular service. I was leaning towards Match over eharmony. Half the price and as much praise. Any advice could help. Thank you. 
 

C

 

 

[SooSad33]

25 minutes ago, Coldarmy13 said:

I thought we were going someplace promising, but it wasn’t meant to be. I truly am in a place now since that ended that I want something very meaningful and long term that could light that fire inside of me again

This could happen.. eventually BUT I think you're possibly moving way too fast .

To think & expect that the first gal you meet up with will be your everything - then it doesn't pan out.

IMO, you are still working on getting over your ex- who was long term, correct?

And you only knew this new gal just over a cpl months?  Why do you want to rush in so fast?

You really had no idea what this new gal was like- for real.  In the beginning things are always so great!

Is called the honeymoon phase, and so often one or the other will know inside, that it's just not for them.. or they are really into this new person in their life.

BUT, you need to expect things to not always work out.  Not be so bent out of shape so much.

Are you maybe a little too needy- because you're used to being with someone?

 

How about YOU lay low a good few months.. Heal from your last relationship and get YOURSELF back to good again.  Is never a good thing to go rushing into something again.. Why?  because can you actually say you are of clear mind at this time?  That you ARE really over your ex?

 

Think on this.. and don't go trying to get someone else, just so you are not alone.

Be comfortable alone.  With no expectations just because you meet someone.  Or you'll be hurt again & again.. and as for their end.. No one wants to 'feel used', or get into some guy, only to realize he isn't over his ex yet!  😞

[Coldarmy13]

All very fair points.

The most recent one I thought all going amazing and had LT potential. Of course we were still getting to know each other still and required much more time before going any where near where maybe it sounds like I thought it “was”. I was happy and having fun, maybe I use too serious of a term by using “potential”.

The long term ex.. is very very much far back in my mind and heart. It was dying slowly at the end so it just worked itself out. I can say I’m over her indefinitely.

I didn’t mean I would start a paid account tomorrow. Maybe I enjoy sharing the idea of dating again with others here sort of as a later idea. That that part of my life isn’t over, that I could find someone again. Not necessarily that I NEED to find someone again. thank you for putting so much into that reply though I always take advice to heart.

Maybe I see it as future planning. I’m sure there are many many folks here with experience and opinions on the paid vs free OLD world.

[SooSad33]

 

Alrighty then.... give it all time.  One never knows.. but I do still suggest to NOT jump into everything too fast.. or with high expectations/. because yup, many are in the same boat.. we're not 20 anymore & have been had some experiences in our day- not all good, right?

 

I am on pof, but have no expectations anymore.. not really searching anyways.

I reached point of mentally & emotionally exhausted after last LT had really messed me up!

So, no more and I'm okay with it.  

I prefer to be on my own- then i won't get hurt.

[Jibralta]

9 hours ago, Coldarmy13 said:

I still have that OKC, I have a Bumble and Tinder. All free accounts that I don’t put much stock into. Rare to get any matches whatsoever, which made my last ex such a find (or so I thought). I was considering a paid account for the first time. Anyone have any success with any particular service. I was leaning towards Match over eharmony. Half the price and as much praise.

I haven't done online dating in years, so I have no opinions to offer there. But I do have a thought: Why don't you try MeetUp, and/or other similar services, in addition to the online dating? It'll increase your social circle, and through that, your dating pool will also increase. But there won't be as much pressure on the dating, which might be nice. I always hated that pressure I felt from the online venues. Everybody seemed to be in such a rush to make a decision.

[Coldarmy13]

1 hour ago, Jibralta said:

I haven't done online dating in years, so I have no opinions to offer there. But I do have a thought: Why don't you try MeetUp, and/or other similar services, in addition to the online dating? It'll increase your social circle, and through that, your dating pool will also increase. But there won't be as much pressure on the dating, which might be nice. I always hated that pressure I felt from the online venues. Everybody seemed to be in such a rush to make a decision.

I figured the pandemic would make those types of apps not as useful. I also live in a suburb so I’d doubt there’s much of that going on around here.

[Cynder]

5 minutes ago, Coldarmy13 said:

I figured the pandemic would make those types of apps not as useful. I also live in a suburb so I’d doubt there’s much of that going on around here.

Meetup and all that doesn't have much going on in small towns.  This is something I've noticed too.